Comments on family size

MoFree

How do you handle comments about having a single child? I don't make remarks about the ecological irresponsibility of having 4+ children because that would be 'wrong,' but why is it okay to comment on the size of my family?

A relative of my SMIL commented how LO 'needs' a younger sibling, as if it's her business. I don't care for this woman and didn't care to share our IF history, so I just smiled and seethed inside. I kept thinking that I should have said something without sharing medical history or getting angry and emotional.

BDevereaux

Ughhh, I haaaate when people do the "she NEEDS a sibling!" thing.  HATE IT.  No, she does not NEED a sibling.  We do not NEED another child.  We would like to have another baby because, well, we love eachother, and our daughter, of couse, and we'd like to expand on that, even if just once more.

It took me a while to get ready for TTC #2 because of this.  I wanted to wait until I was fully adjusted to our new life with a child, and wanted to be 100% absolutely sure I wanted more kids.  Unfortunately, when we were ready, it didn't happen overnight.

Last summer, a random mom at ballet asked me if my DD had a sibling, to which I politely said "No".  This conversation should have ended there, but she went on to ask if we WANTED more (I think this is sort of a rude question for ANYONE, especially a stranger, TTC or not).  I didn't want to let her in on our business, so I lied and said "We're not sure yet."  She THEN went on and said something about having only one kid, and I snapped (although politely) and said something along the lines of "We're not ones to pop out kids for the hell of it".

I do have a neighborhood party coming up in a few weeks, and I'll have to think of some good comebacks, as there are a lot of old ladies with 6 kids who will ask about that.  They did last year and I sort of brushed it off, but this time, I'm going prepared!

BookishMomma

*loss mentioned*

When people rudely ask me about whether/when we are going to have another, I just say point blank that I've had 3 miscarriages in the last year. That usually shuts them up. 

I used to just smile and nod, but honestly I've gotten tired of it, so now I just come right out and say it. Hopefully it will teach at least a few people not to stick their nose where it doesn't belong.

fuzzbumble

A few months ago, the teachers at my daughter's school decided to ask.  

"When is Bumble going to have a sibling?  You know, every other kid in her class has one except her!"  WTF?

I told them we've been trying, but for some reason we keep losing them.  The look on her face, eyes went huge. 

Sorry, tired of the questions.

Davie813

I get questions about a sibling for DD all the time (at work; my friends and family know better).  It is bizarre that people don't anticipate that the answer to such a personal question might be something they don't really need to know or want to hear, but go figure. 

I usually just say that we do want another child but will see what happens and leave it at that.  I recently had a conversation with one of the more persistent ones where secondary infertility came up, though, and even though we just talking in general terms, I think she put it together.  She's backed off, at any rate.

sailorgal

I want to be "blunt" but so far I haven't had the courage. I thought I would but when my son's principal said something the other day, I was just taken back. 

There have been a few people who we have told who are close to us who haven't provided the reaction and support that I expected so that's set me back a bit from being more open. I'm at the point where I think IF needs to be discussed more openly though as it's such a taboo subject for many. 

fuzzbumble

sailorgal said:

I want to be "blunt" but so far I haven't had the courage. I thought I would but when my son's principal said something the other day, I was just taken back. 

There have been a few people who we have told who are close to us who haven't provided the reaction and support that I expected so that's set me back a bit from being more open. I'm at the point where I think IF needs to be discussed more openly though as it's such a taboo subject for many. 

It is so hard to open up when people aren't supportive.  "Just stop worrying about it, that's when it will happen."  ::Eyeroll::

I try and post things on facebook about infant loss and infertility awareness, and some others have opened up that way.  But it also opens it up to that one friend who is against everything, including infertility tx.  

STL34

I'm sorry you are dealing with this @MoFree.  Most of my work colleagues know we struggled with IF before becoming parents the first time.  Luckily, I haven't had too many comments at work.  I do get the random stranger questions/comments and I don't really feel it is their business.  Sometimes I ignore it and sometimes I say something more vague like I wish I could have another child.  

The hardest was when my SIL (who knew our struggles TTC #1) told us we need to hurry up and have a second child shortly after she had her second child.  That was a punch in the gut.  She also told us she was pregnant with #1 the day before our first IVF cycle failure was confirmed.  

I really wish there were some way to make these questions/comments hurt less.  But, I don't think there is; at least not until we come to terms with possibly only having one child and then, I know I will still have some bitterness and yearning.  And then, when DD asks why we don't have a baby....

sept14

The last several times someone has asked me if we are planning to have another or if we have started trying...  I tell then that we've been trying for 3 years and it hasn;t happened.  Some of them have been awestruck and shut up, others I have shared more with.  I am private in some ways, but I also probably overshare sometimes.    They don't bring it up after that.  One coworker tried to commiserate and said she had trouble getting pregnant too.  "Really??  You've had 4 kids over 8 years and your in your early/mid thirties.  Must not have been too hard."

Some people don't get it.

lawmom747

I am pretty private about this journey because many people I have shared with just still don't have any idea what it's really like and still persist in making dumb comments.  Like my secretary - we were having lunch and I was telling her how my cyst is getting better due to the new BCP regimen and she actually said "be careful - I got pregnant while on the pill - twice!"  Since I'm not in jail, you can see I quashed the urge to strangle her.

Flamingemu

I try really hard to just smile and say, we shall see. But if someone presses, I get bitchy. I usually tell them that L broke me and I am currently unable to have more children. They usually drop it after that. That is how my MIL found out we were having issues. I tried to push her off, but on the 5th question in the same visit, I got pissed and lased out. She doesn't ask anymore. 

Bananappeal145

hoppin747 said:

I am pretty private about this journey because many people I have shared with just still don't have any idea what it's really like and still persist in making dumb comments. 

Pretty much exactly this. People just don't get it and I'm not the idiot wisperer so I don't bother to try to explain it very often. Mostly I just say, "We'll see" and then bitch to DH.