Dealing with the bitterness...

emwaiting

A little backstory since I don't post on here often.  We tried for about 2 1/2 years with unexplained infertility before doing our first IVF.  We were blessed with our DS on our first try of IVF but we didn't have any embroys freeze like we were hoping for.  I was really hoping after having our son I would be more relaxed about trying for a sibling for him but not the case.  We started trying about 3 months after having our son for #2 and now over a year later still no luck after two IUIs.  We are going to try one more IUI since they are doing a different process now with washing the sperm so we feel like we need to give it a shot. 

I'm trying to be positive about the IUI but in the back of my mind I keep telling myself I need to be prepared that we are going to have to spend the big bucks again on IVF and that might have to wait a little while again.  Besides the obvious not being pregnant one of the biggest disappointment I have is the bitterness I feel every time I hear someone else is pregnant.  I feel like such a judgmental person and that all of these other women don't deserve to be pregnant and I'm the only one that does which of course isn't true.  I have always wanted at least 2 kids and our current plan is to have 2 and then just see what happens for #3 and if we get lucky and get pregnant on our own then amazing but we won't go through all of this again. 

Does anyone else have these similar feelings?  I have a feeling I'm not alone with this but sometimes you just don't feel like anyone else understands! 

Thanks!

Millimeter

I'm right there with you. I don't think the bitterness ever really goes away. Dealing with IF really changes you, and we always carry scars with us.

My SIL is going to TTC soon and I will be upset if she gets pregnant right away. I feel horrible I feel this way, but IF changes a lot. I always think "why me" when a lot of other people have no issues.

We are waiting until July to try again, so I'm not dealing with the stress of TTC right now, but it still stings. I just look at how this journey helped DH and I grow closer, how we have a deeper appreciation for our kids, and how we know we can make it through anything. That helps me when I'm feeling really down.

It doesn't get any easier, but know you aren't alone. You are a strong woman!

emwaiting

Thanks, I know I'm not alone with this feeling but sometimes you kind of feel like it.  My sister has 2 children and we started trying right about the same time but she luckily has been great about understanding and not rubbing anything in.  It isn't fair because those that are pregnant should have to feel like they can't be excited and walk on egg shells around you but sometimes you want them to. 

I have played the "why me" game A LOT and keep thinking it will get easier but just never seems to.  The most relaxed I have been since trying for my son was my 2nd and 3rd trimesters.  I LOVED being pregnant and after we got in the "safe zone" I was pretty darn relaxed other then just being excited to meet the little person. 

Good luck to you when you start trying again and thanks for the advice. 

WLJ2

Mostly a lurker but I know how you feel. We've only been trying for seven months and I already get judgemental over already all the new pregnancy news I've been hearing.

Expecially when a month prior to hearing a couple was pregnant they also stated how they never wanted children. They don't like kids ect.

I wish you luck with your journey.

emwaiting

Thanks!  Ever since we started trying and realized it wasn't going to happen the "easy way" for us you for sure wonder when you hear others are prego and think did they have any problems or were they lucky ones that it happened right away for them.  I also never ask any couples "when are you going to have kids" because who knows maybe they were like us and trying for 2 years and still not pregnant.  There were many times I wanted to snap back and say do you want to sit down and listen to my life story on why I don't have kids yet but I never did.  Unless they are close with someone that has gone through this they probably don't even think twice about asking.

sailorgal

I'm sorry you are dealing with all of it. Your feelings are normal. Everything crossed that your final IUI works.

emwaiting

So I'm going to be "one of those women" with this update!  I have been struggling with being positive about doing our next IUI and pretty much thinking it might be a waste of time and money.  My doctor wanted me to be on birth control for the 21 days and then get my period to start and then get going with the IUI.  Well I finished my last pill on the 5th and no period came.  This didn't really surprise us because I had some bleeding during the cycle on and off and he said my body wasn't listening to the birth control like it normally would so he wasn't sure if my period would come on it's own or not.  He told me to let him know where I was at with things on Friday (today) if I had any actual bleeding or not to call it day 1.  Well yesterday morning I got up to do my normal morning workout and I wasn't feeling all that great.  The day before I told one of my best friends that I knew I wasn't pregnant but I was feeling like I felt during my first trimester with my DS.  So on a whim yesterday after my workout I decided to do a cheap test I had left.  I dipped it, jumped in the shower and got out and about fell over.  2 lines!  So I had one more test and it was a name brand so figured I would try that one.  Within 40 seconds it was positive as well.  I took them both to my husband in bed and couldn't stop my shaking.  We did a blood test yesterday morning and my level was at 30,000!!!!  So my doctor is thinking I'm further along then just 4 weeks and this is obviously quite the surprise!  I have an appt Monday afternoon to do a u/s and see where I"m at.  I just wanted to update everyone and say miracles do happen on your own. I always heard stories but was a Negative Nancy and would always say I'll believe it when it happens to me.  Welp it happened!!  Good luck to everyone else trying!

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Verolyn

It's hard. I am happy for others when they get a BFP, but there is the stab of pain & "why not ME too???". While we've been having trouble, literally everyone I know that's even thought about TTC has gotten pregnant.