DH interference

crystalw88

Hi all, first time posting here. Looking to vent and maybe get a lil positive reassurance. So, DH's family and my family are completely different. DH's family has a lil bit more money to throw around whereas my family does not. That being said, they don't really connect either and usually never say more than hi to each other. My sister was the first person to bring up/offer to host my baby shower. I told her I'd really like to have two separate ones given the opportunity. MIL hasn't mentioned anything to me. My sister and mom decided to call her and ask if she'd like to be apart of the shower or host her own. MIL decided she'd like to have one big shower for me. The ONLY person I expressed my concerns with was DH. My concerns are that the families will bicker or my MIL will try to take over. It took me bugging her daily to get a guest list out of her which bugged the *&[email protected] outta me to begin with. I feel like MIL doesn't care. I also expressed to DH that having two separate showers is next to impossible given the fact the holidays are fast approving and I'd like to completely avoid having my shower anytime near the holidays. I'm due Jan. 25th so waiting until after the holidays makes me too nervous. I had a mini meltdown on Friday after I told him all this but once Saturday came and I got the list from my MIL and my sister told me invites were ordered...I decided I could breathe again and that things were coming together. Today DH called me at work and told me that he wants me to be happy and that I needed to tell MIL if I truly wanted a separate shower. I feel like this would be worse...not only do I already feel like MIL doesn't care but it will screw up the invites my sister ordered and cause more headache down the road. Now DH is mad at me that I told him I wanted to keep things the way they are going. I know he loves me but I just want him to listen when I express myself....not fly in with his cape and try to save the day....sorry for the novel

ETA: I know my only role for the shower is to show up, smile, and say thank you.

ordinary1

I'm confused. Is your MIL a cohost or are your mom and sister also inviting your H's side?

crystalw88

She would be a cohost.

ordinary1

In that case, your MIL should have been the one to give the guest list. Your MIL, mom, and sister are all adults. I'm sure if they thought they couldn't handle getting along, they would have had separate showers. I would stay out as much as possible and enjoy your shower.

crystalw88

Bliss+Berry said:

crystalw88 said:

Hi all, first time posting here. Looking to vent and maybe get a lil positive reassurance. So, DH's family and my family are completely different. DH's family has a lil bit more money to throw around whereas my family does not. That being said, they don't really connect either and usually never say more than hi to each other. My sister was the first person to bring up/offer to host my baby shower. I told her I'd really like to have two separate ones given the opportunity. MIL hasn't mentioned anything to me. My sister and mom decided to call her and ask if she'd like to be apart of the shower or host her own. MIL decided she'd like to have one big shower for me. The ONLY person I expressed my concerns with was DH. My concerns are that the families will bicker or my MIL will try to take over. It took me bugging her daily to get a guest list out of her which bugged the *&[email protected] outta me to begin with. I feel like MIL doesn't care. I also expressed to DH that having two separate showers is next to impossible given the fact the holidays are fast approving and I'd like to completely avoid having my shower anytime near the holidays. I'm due Jan. 25th so waiting until after the holidays makes me too nervous. I had a mini meltdown on Friday after I told him all this but once Saturday came and I got the list from my MIL and my sister told me invites were ordered...I decided I could breathe again and that things were coming together. Today DH called me at work and told me that he wants me to be happy and that I needed to tell MIL if I truly wanted a separate shower. I feel like this would be worse...not only do I already feel like MIL doesn't care but it will screw up the invites my sister ordered and cause more headache down the road. Now DH is mad at me that I told him I wanted to keep things the way they are going. I know he loves me but I just want him to listen when I express myself....not fly in with his cape and try to save the day....sorry for the novel

ETA: I know my only role for the shower is to show up, smile, and say thank you.

You are getting far too involved in this.  

It is not your place for you or your DH to tell your MIL that you would like her to host a separate shower for you.  A shower is a gift, and it's impolite to ask someone to host a party for you.

IMHO if you are having a meltdown over your shower, you might just be placing a little to much importance on it.  Honestly, it's just a party with punch and cake where people bring you presents.  NBD.  It's not a wedding, FFS.  

I never mentioned a shower to MIL, whether asking her to host one or to join in on the one that was already being planned. I most certainly know that is very impolite. I was looking for reassurance, something to make me feel better about the situation...no need to flame away with FFS. You simply could have said nothing and I'd have been OK with that.

dufferoo

So is your only issue that your hubby is trying to swoop in and save the day instead of just letting you vent? Cause that is an annoying thing, but probably a pretty typical marriage issue. I tend to vent to my bff about this sort of thing instead of my husband for just that reason, especially when it pertains to my in-laws. If you're actually looking for advice about the shower stuff, you've already been given it. Just go with the flow and try not to think if the shower as A Big Deal. It's just a party, you know?

VOR

crystalw88 said:

I never mentioned a shower to MIL, whether asking her to host one or to join in on the one that was already being planned. I most certainly know that is very impolite.

You may not have directly mentioned it, but you sure as heck had some strong opinions about how this should all play out and you told your sister and mom about it - and they, in turn, contacted your MIL.

I agree- you are TOO involved.  Way too involved.  When your sister offered, you should have said "thank you".  If she asked "do you want to include DHs family", all you should have said is "It's up to you. I dont know if MIL is planning on throwing a shower or not".  Period.

But adding in all your opinions about what would be best, etc - you clearly expected your MIL to be somehow involved.  Which is wrong in and of itself.

And honestly- I'm confused about the "DH interference".  I'm sure you've been talking his ear off about this and so he tells you what he thinks you should do (tell his mom to have a separate shower).  When you say no, he gets upset.  I'm sure it's because he's tired of the DRAMA that you are creating around this event.  Because, really, YOU are the one creating it here.

Just pull yourself out of it.  Let your sister and mom deal w/ the invitations, your MIL, etc.  Just step back, relax, and let it go.

jennypolkadots

I so agree with VOR.

If were getting myself worked up in a tizzy about something this meaningless, I know my DH would try to solve it in anyway he can. 

For a few weeks I was upset about how things played out with our shower and some hurtful things that were said... long story short it looks like we will just not be having one. At first I was disappointed and then oh, wait, I am having a perfectly healthy precious baby in a few months and screw everything else. If you are lucky enough to have anyone wanting to throw you a shower be gracious, butt out, and let the leave fall where they may. Spend your time working on a registry and preparing for your birth, the shower just pales in comparison to all the stuff you have to think about during pregnancy. Your MIL, Mom, and Sis are adults and can figure this one out... if they come talking to you about it tell them you want to be surprised and they can sort it out! 

Beevol

One of the worst things about having a wedding or baby shower is that they are all about you but you are not allowed to have anything to do with throwing them besides providing a registry list. 

If your sister hadn't involved your MIL, she might have felt left out or maybe as @darbie914 suggests she feels put upon for having been asked. Maybe she's just not really into showers. Who knows. If she and your mom/sister bicker then that's their problem. If your MIL takes it all over, then... good for her? Separate showers might have been less stressful, but you're getting one big one, so just try to not worry about it. 

I had a coach in high school who would always say: control what you can control and let the rest go. This is one situation where you can't control much, so you're better off not worrying. 

FWIW, I think having one shower prior to the holidays is the best bet given your situation.