I bailed on another weekend (***Stepchild mentioned*** / Venting)

LindseyM2012

Hi ladies. Can I whine a little? Sorry in advance for the length... I've been struggling a lot over the past week and IF is really starting to affect my day-to-day life again. I've been having major headaches from this darn combination of Metformin and caffeine withdrawal. I called off work on Thursday because of that. My husband and I were planning on doing our monthly weekend trip to visit his son (he live 6hrs away) this past weekend. Between not feeling well with the headaches, general sluggishness, and frustration about IF, I bailed and my husband went without me. He asked me on Friday night if I was going to make it. I said, "We'll see." I woke up Saturday and said, "Would you be mad at me if I didn't go?" His response, "Of course not. I knew you weren't coming." He wasn't mean or mad about it, but I felt like crap when he said that. I probably would have felt like crap no matter what he said. I love my stepson to no end, but it sometimes hurts because I keep thinking that he should be mine and that another woman could give my husband an oops baby (of course, before I came along) and I can't even give him a planned one yet. Irrational thoughts and I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to another woman, but there are days I can't help it.  

This happened once before and like before, I feel like such a failure as a wife and stepmother. I've been so good (most of the time) with compartmentalizing my IF struggles so they don't interfere with my marriage, my stepson, work or school, but it all just boiled over. I am taking 8 pills a day and haven't even started a medicated cycle. I am probably two weeks away from my first medicated cycle still. I think the closer it gets to that start date, the more impatient I get. It was easier not to think about it when I didn't have a clue when I could start treatments. I've started getting side effects from the Metformin (mild in comparison to what it could be, but annoying nevertheless) and have been taking all these pills multiple times a day for months now. I just don't want to take them anymore. I know that once I start the actual medicated cycles, see some movement from my ovaries (fingers crossed!!!) I'll feel better, but I just can't imagine that yet. Two weeks seems so far away. On top of all this, my husband and I haven't had sex since last Wednesday (sorry if that's TMI). This is an eternity for us, and this needs to be fixed now. But I'm still sad and he's starting to close off from me, so initiating is going to be hard for me.

We need to talk about all this stuff, but we aren't the most talkative couple when it comes to this stuff. He's such an alpha male, so his responses when I do say anything about my feelings about IF consist of "Oh" and "Mm hmm". That's about it. I want to tell him that those responses make me not want to talk to him about IF stuff, but how can I say that without sounding accusatory. The way I'm feeling is not because of anything he is doing and I don't want it to sound that way. Also, I need to find a way to initiate sex even though he is closing off. Our body language is so off right now. He doesn't like when it feels like "duty sex" so I need an idea of how to initiate without him thinking it about wifely duty. Help!

Ann612

You are dealing with a lot (both physically and mentally); you are entitled to being "off" on some days.  It in no way reflects what kind of wife/step-mom you are - it only reflects that you are human.

As for the sex life issue - it really sounds like you guys need some time together, maybe not focused on IF for a night?  Anything that will help reconnect.  

For us, we find it helps if we can joke about this stuff.  One night we toasted to not "having" to have sex that day.  I realize that may not be the approach for everyone, but it seems to help us get through.  

I also have found wine and lingerie essentials on some of those BD days.

AnnaClaire256

-----step children mentioned----




I definitely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I feel like us infertile step moms need our own club!

Dealing with IF while step parenting is hard. Period. My step sons live with us full time. Trying to save up money for treatments while raising two teenagers is next to impossible. I feel like my hopes for having a baby have to be put on the back burner because I have two living step children that are a priority over a baby we haven't even conceived.

It's so hard for me to give you advice on the visitation part. On one hand, IF is fucking unfair and it is hard to put aside those feelings. You need to take care of yourself (physically and emotionally) and protect your feelings. But on the other, not going to see your SS will probably start to upset YH sooner than later. It's obvious that you love your SS very much...and I'd hate for YH to take you not going for his visitation to mean you don't care. Hopefully once you start your medicated cycles, you'll feel better about the whole process.

I agree with PPs....when I feel overwhelmed by the IF process or I feel like it's affecting our marriage, the best way to handle it is to tell him I really need to talk, shut off all electronics and lay it out on the table. A lot of the time he is feeling the same frustrations and worries that I am. Communication is so vital to this process...bottling any of it up just isn't healthy.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me. The step-mom and IF combo is something I feel like not many people can sympathize with...so know that I'm here if you need me!

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry! It sounds clear that you are doing everything possible and then some to fulfill your responsibilities while dealing with the craziness of IF treatment starting. Sounds like YH is understanding and doesn't blame you for not visiting SS. Something that our marriage counselor told us and *sometimes* helps me, is to really notice DH's actions and translate them into supportive words that he truly is "saying" in his way by doing those things. 

Duty sex - the only thing that works for me is to lie about the time of the cycle. When I have to be extra chipper and put that effort in to get him in the mood, when I am not in the mood anyway, it just drains it out of me too much!! I've found that initiating randomly all month long helps it not seem like as big of a deal. 

I hope your Metformin SE's get milder as your body gets adjusted. I know your feeling about taking a batch of pills...it makes me feel so sorry for myself!! Like a tangible, daily, inescapable reminder of the health problems we have to deal with. I got myself a beautiful decorative box to keep all the meds in and a cute colorful daily pill case that makes me feel somewhat better.

LindseyM2012

Thank you so much for the support, ladies! I try so hard to be pleasant all the time, but that gets exhausting when I have to force it. I do need to start communicating more directly with my husband about this IF stuff. I like the suggestion of no TV, no phone, etc. I tend to talk about things with all those thing present in a deliberate attempt to not focus so directly on difficult subjects. I have issues like that and I know that's not good. Its so frustrating that I can give this sort of advice to others, but it is so hard for me to do it myself.

Hollowvic

I agree with rainbow bridge, cut yourself some slack. IF is not easy to deal with, physically or emotionally. Skipping a weekend with your stepson and taking a day off from work is not a bad thing. You have to take care of yourself. I have a similar problem with I initiating sex with my husband also. We haven't had sex in almost a week, which is very unusual for us, but I'm beyond stressed at the thought of starting injections next week for IVF and I'm just not in the mood. I do feel like I need to make an effort though and for some reason it's hard for me. I agree, communicating more is helpful. Sometimes a heart to heart is more helpful than you realize and may make you feel better while putting it all on the table. Feel better and don't be so hard on yourself, this IF crap is no joke, it straight up sucks, but this shall pass.

theholmanherd

I don't have any experience with step kids, but I just wanted to offer up some hugs and wine. Don't be too hard on yourself. My H isn't a huge talker, either, so he appreciates when I give him concise bullet points about my issues, so think about what's bothering you and think about the best way to word it. Good luck.