Hi ladies. Can I whine a little? Sorry in advance for the length... I've been struggling a lot over the past week and IF is really starting to affect my day-to-day life again. I've been having major headaches from this darn combination of Metformin and caffeine withdrawal. I called off work on Thursday because of that. My husband and I were planning on doing our monthly weekend trip to visit his son (he live 6hrs away) this past weekend. Between not feeling well with the headaches, general sluggishness, and frustration about IF, I bailed and my husband went without me. He asked me on Friday night if I was going to make it. I said, "We'll see." I woke up Saturday and said, "Would you be mad at me if I didn't go?" His response, "Of course not. I knew you weren't coming." He wasn't mean or mad about it, but I felt like crap when he said that. I probably would have felt like crap no matter what he said. I love my stepson to no end, but it sometimes hurts because I keep thinking that he should be mine and that another woman could give my husband an oops baby (of course, before I came along) and I can't even give him a planned one yet. Irrational thoughts and I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to another woman, but there are days I can't help it.
This happened once before and like before, I feel like such a failure as a wife and stepmother. I've been so good (most of the time) with compartmentalizing my IF struggles so they don't interfere with my marriage, my stepson, work or school, but it all just boiled over. I am taking 8 pills a day and haven't even started a medicated cycle. I am probably two weeks away from my first medicated cycle still. I think the closer it gets to that start date, the more impatient I get. It was easier not to think about it when I didn't have a clue when I could start treatments. I've started getting side effects from the Metformin (mild in comparison to what it could be, but annoying nevertheless) and have been taking all these pills multiple times a day for months now. I just don't want to take them anymore. I know that once I start the actual medicated cycles, see some movement from my ovaries (fingers crossed!!!) I'll feel better, but I just can't imagine that yet. Two weeks seems so far away. On top of all this, my husband and I haven't had sex since last Wednesday (sorry if that's TMI). This is an eternity for us, and this needs to be fixed now. But I'm still sad and he's starting to close off from me, so initiating is going to be hard for me.
We need to talk about all this stuff, but we aren't the most talkative couple when it comes to this stuff. He's such an alpha male, so his responses when I do say anything about my feelings about IF consist of "Oh" and "Mm hmm". That's about it. I want to tell him that those responses make me not want to talk to him about IF stuff, but how can I say that without sounding accusatory. The way I'm feeling is not because of anything he is doing and I don't want it to sound that way. Also, I need to find a way to initiate sex even though he is closing off. Our body language is so off right now. He doesn't like when it feels like "duty sex" so I need an idea of how to initiate without him thinking it about wifely duty. Help!
Me: 28 MH:35
Married September 2012. TTC since September 2013
June 2014 - Dx w/ significant PCOS and referred to RE.
July/August 2014 - Testing complete: Testosterone & AMH very high, FSH slightly high, Vitamin D low, tubes and lining all lovely. DH SA: A+
Cycle 1 (Nov 2014): 2.5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI = BFN
Cycle 2 (Dec 2014): 5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
Cycle 3 (Jan 2015): 5mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
WTF consult scheduled for 1/29