PAL Checkin

Noethola

Everyone is welcome to the Parenting After Loss Check In. You may have older children, you may have younger, but the fact remains: while appreciating those we have, we still long for those we lost. 

It is October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

How are YOU doing? 

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share?

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved?

Any questions for other PAL parents?

Noethola

How are YOU doing? Today, I am doing okay. I am enjoying the change in weather (midwest) and the changes my son is going through.

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share? My sister had a baby two weeks ago. Its a joy to have her here, as it was a high risk pregnancy. But I also find myself with irrational fears for her. My own LO is going through lots of fun changes and he is just a gem to be around. 

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved? I do let others know. I will also be doing the memorial walk this Sunday that the hospitals in the area put on. 

Any questions for other PAL parents?

stefuge

How are YOU doing? Ugh. Not great. I am struggling with it being October. Colton was due in October last year, and I was not expecting it to be such a difficult month this year, but I have been really down for the last week or so. PAIL month isn't really helping either. I was planning to participate more in capture your grief and just haven't felt up to it.

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share?
Challenge has been DS1. He has had such an independent streak the past week or so, very whiny and not wanting to listen or behave. We have had two screaming hitting throwing tantrums at target in the past couple of weeks and one at my office. We are trying to just ride it out and stay firm with our discipline, but it is hard.

Rewarding experience - for DS1s class, he had to draw a picture of his family and then talk about it to his class. So we worked on it together, he drew his little picture with our family of four and our kitties and then took it to school. When I asked his teacher (who knows about our loss) about how he shared with his class, she told me that he told everyone "this is daddy, and mommy, and me, and Colton, and all our kitties." And when the teacher asked who Colton was, he said "my little brother."

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved?
Well, I had planned to be more open and share, but like I said, I'm feeling so down lately, I haven't felt up to doing anything. I'm wanting to post more about the 15th and encourage people to participate in lighting candles in memory, and hopefully will get back up on my blog and talk more about it.

Any questions for other PAL parents?

stefuge

@Noethola‌ - congrats on being a new auntie! That is very exciting, and glad that your little niece arrived safely. GL with the memorial walk!

Noethola

((Hugs)) @stefuge Thinking of you this month.

CheesyPeas

How are YOU doing?  Honestly, pretty crappy.  It's my due date month, and I'm supposed to be welcoming my baby girl home this month.  I feel like my life is one big panic attack.

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share?  The challenge has been trying to function with this month hitting me pretty hard.  It's hard to focus at work.  It's hard to put on happy face.  My DS is turning 3 this month, so there are supposed to be celebrations for that that month but I'm having a hard time envisioning how I'm going to muster up that kind of strength.

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved?  Before Layla died, I was definitely reserved.  I would talk about my miscarriage in discussions when relevant but that was basically the extent of it.  Now since losing Layla as well, I have plans of making a FB post on October 15 and perhaps something on her due date.  I'lll also be participating in a walk. 

CheesyPeas

@stefuge, ((hugs)) to you, hon.  I wish the month of October would hurry up for the both of us!

stefuge

@CheesyPeas‌ - your EDD is a tough day. Be gentle with yourself. I was so surprised that October is hitting me I so hard this year too, I was not expecting that. Lots of triggers. ((Hugs)).

jonahsma

How are YOU doing? The last couple of weeks have been difficult.it's hard to stay focused when I am reliving everything that I went through last year. I keep thinking at this time last year I was so and so many
Weeks, , at this time last year my baby was still alive.

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share? October has been a challenge. PAIL has me down and out.
Rewarding experience is knowing that there really is a rainbow after a storm. I am blessed to have my children .


Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved? Inside I am screaming awareness, I envision myself texting everyone, making a shirt, writing on my car windows stuff like that but I know I won't do that. I will probably be more reserved.


Any questions for other PAL parents?

angelsnight

It is October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

How are YOU doing?  I'm doing alright.  Sometimes late at night I get sucked in to looking at pics of my angel and reading my blog about her and it all comes flooding back, but otherwise I am doing ok.

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share?  We're less than six months away from the point we really need to start coming to a conclusion about whether we want to try for one more child.  In an ideal world I would like one more, but I am just not sure I can go down this stressful path again.  I can't handle another loss, even an early one.  AF is here and I was cramping today, and I remembered the sheer panic I go through when I cramp when I am pregnant, and I'm not sure I can do it again.  But MH and I are both older (I'll be 36 in May) so whatever we decide will have to be the final decision, and I am worried come spring I still won't know what to do.

Every day is a rewarding experience with LO.  Watching her learn and grow and master new things is so amazing.

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved?  I try to.  I post a lot about it on FB, and each summer we fund raise to help families with funeral assistance and we walk to remember our babies. 

Any questions for other PAL parents?  We're leaving LO for an overnight next month to celebrate our anniversary.  I am mostly fine with her being watched for regular date nights and such but I am pretty nervous about leaving her over night.  When she was first born I was so terrified of SIDS or something else happening to her, and I am MUCH better at night now and and actually look forward to her bed time now.  But leaving her at night is scary.  We're going to ask my inlaws to watch her which is who I am most comfortable leaving her with, and we're going to ask that they spend the night with her at our house so she's in her own crib and routine, so that eases my mind a lot.  But of course some anxiety is still there.  Any tips on making the first overnight easier, or just some relating to my fear?  FYI, she'll be 8 months old by then.

Noethola

@angelsnight No insight on leaving for the first night. LO is almost 8m and I still can't bring myself to leave him for more than a few hours. (Though...he is also breastfed and wouldnt take a bottle.) But I know it will be hard. Just try to enjoy your time with your DH. Perhaps you could ask your in-laws to send you picture texts or something as they do things. And also tell them in advance you may call them in the middle of the night. I think it will help relieve your anxiety when they tell you that they are more than willing to do whatever you need them to. 

stefuge

@angelsnight‌ - no real advice on staying over night, we didn't do an overnighter without DS1 until he was almost 3. I agree with noethola about talking to your ILs and letting them know you would appreciate text updates, photos, etc, to help calm your nerves. Also, make sure they have all pertinent phone numbers (pediatrician, poison control, the number where you are staying, etc) and a note giving your permission for them to seek medical care in case of an emergency. Also reiterate any concerns with sleeping or eating (I have a friend who's MIL would feed baby whatever she wanted and totally ignore moms advice - so frustrating!) and even write out baby's schedule as a reminder if that helps ease your mind. Other than that - try to enjoy yourself! You deserve a nice break and time with YH.

Dixon813

How are YOU doing?  I've missed you ladies - sorry I've been MIA from this board but I needed to take a step back for a bit.  This month has been rough!  I really wanted to participate in "Capture Your Grief" and I was good until the 15th and then it was just taking so much for me to do that I decided to stop. 

What has been a challenge recently and what has been a rewarding experience that you would like to share?  It's been challenging to find enough time for everyone - for DH, Liam, my SS, the triplets - I just don't feel like there's enough time with work and keeping up with the house and everything.  On the flip side, I had some really rewarding conversations with people around Oct 15th and awareness.  Also, Liam is 6 months and I LOVE watching him grow and develop.

Do you spread the word about PAIL awareness, or do you choose to be more reserved? I'm pretty reserved about this (and most things in my life) but I do make it a point to be public on Oct 15th.

Dixon813

@angelsnight no words to help, except we left Liam with my parents when he was 4 months over night (and again at 5.5 months) and it was honestly so much easier than I anticipated!  I found that over preparing/packing and what not made me feel more at ease.  I also typed up a long list of notes for them (my parents raised five kids and I think we're all doing OK - but it made it feel better!)