What would you do? Sperm mix up...

herbunmyoven

I found this article today, and while I think it is obnoxiously racist it presents a meaty issue. What would you do if you found out you conceived using the wrong donor? Also do you think the race of the donor should have any affect on the court decision? 

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-sperm-donor-lawsuit-met-20140930-story.html 

mallory4284

I commented on this in TTGP....

I'll preface this with this is the bank we've used since moving on to home inseminations.... So there's that.

As far as what I would do? If I had let them inseminate me with incorrect sperm, I wouldn't do anything.

I can't wrap my head around how they didn't know it was the wrong donor at the time of the insemination. Our doctor double checked our sperm when it arrived at the office, before our IUI appt., before they thawed it out, after they thawed it out, and again right before the procedure! (And that's just what I can remember, they could have asked us more!!)

And if they did it at home, why didn't they check the donor number?? Maybe it's just because I have a weird fear of receiving the wrong sperm, but I've double checked our donor number for both of our home inseminations.

The only way I can justify suing this company is if they were suing before the insemination. Especially if it was medicated and I had wasted all the time and money on medication just to find out we couldn't go through with it because it was the wrong donor. But if I had the procedure done and found out afterwards, it's my own fault for not making sure I received the right donor....

doodah1013

I have given this article a ton of thought today. I have seen a lot of really negative reactions to this lawsuit, and I think a media frenzy is really taking over here and this issue is wayyyyy to deep to be summed up in a quick article.
This was my earlier comment:
"I think that this is a very simple article about a VERY COMPLICATED, and taboo subject. There are so many feelings that many heterosexual fertile couples can't possibly understand about the selection of a sperm donor. By choosing a sperm donor, you are agreeing that half of your child's biology will not be one parents or the others. That is hard, and hurtful and sad, AND for some people, the facts of life. So choosing a sperm donor is not a simple process to begin with... but at least you have some control over who you choose. These women's choice was taken away... and that means some of their power was taken away. To top it all off, the media is probably making this more about race than about the fact that this was a VERY serious mistake that this sperm bank made. We poured over the process to choose a donor... and I don't feel like we are intolerant or not good people because we choose a donor that was white."

If it was us, I don't know what we would do... I think the lawsuit would
more negatively affect our child than the money from a lawsuit would benefit them.
In my heart of hearts, I honestly feel for these parents.
I feel like we all want to say that raising children of different races is all the same. But, we don't live in a post-racial society... And disregarding that is just as problematic as racism. Parents of white children don't have to explain stories like Trayvon Martin in the same way parents of children of color have to explain it. This is not right or fair, but it is true. These parents raising concerns that they won't be adequate parents are legitimate and may have more to do with them not wanting to "do it wrong" than them seeing it as an inconvenience. I don't think love is the question here....

Yep... This one is going to make me uneasy feeling for a while. I just can't seem to get my head around it...

ATXmommas

doodah1013 said:

I have given this article a ton of thought today. I have seen a lot of really negative reactions to this lawsuit, and I think a media frenzy is really taking over here and this issue is wayyyyy to deep to be summed up in a quick article.
This was my earlier comment:
"I think that this is a very simple article about a VERY COMPLICATED, and taboo subject. There are so many feelings that many heterosexual fertile couples can't possibly understand about the selection of a sperm donor. By choosing a sperm donor, you are agreeing that half of your child's biology will not be one parents or the others. That is hard, and hurtful and sad, AND for some people, the facts of life. So choosing a sperm donor is not a simple process to begin with... but at least you have some control over who you choose. These women's choice was taken away... and that means some of their power was taken away. To top it all off, the media is probably making this more about race than about the fact that this was a VERY serious mistake that this sperm bank made. We poured over the process to choose a donor... and I don't feel like we are intolerant or not good people because we choose a donor that was white."

If it was us, I don't know what we would do... I think the lawsuit would
more negatively affect our child than the money from a lawsuit would benefit them.
In my heart of hearts, I honestly feel for these parents.
I feel like we all want to say that raising children of different races is all the same. But, we don't live in a post-racial society... And disregarding that is just as problematic as racism. Parents of white children don't have to explain stories like Trayvon Martin in the same way parents of children of color have to explain it. This is not right or fair, but it is true. These parents raising concerns that they won't be adequate parents are legitimate and may have more to do with them not wanting to "do it wrong" than them seeing it as an inconvenience. I don't think love is the question here....

Yep... This one is going to make me uneasy feeling for a while. I just can't seem to get my head around it...

Exactly this. Very eloquently stated @doodah1013‌.

KH826

I was wondering if this was going to come up! I have been thinking about it a ton, and my wife and I started to talk about it last night, but we were just too tired and neither could intelligently articulate our complex thoughts on the issue... so we went to bed! HAHA

Anyway, I totally agree with everything that @doodah1013 said.

For me this is not about race, for me it is about choice and empowerment. I hate that this story is now wrapped up in racial issues, because for me, that is just an extra detail, but is not the heart of the issue (granted, it may be the heart of the issue for others, including the moms that this happened to). That is why this is so complicated. All I can say is that if this happened to me I would be devastated. Not because my child was biracial or because he/she did not resemble me or my wife as much as we had hoped/planned... for me, I would be devastated because our choice/decision for where 50% of our children's DNA would come from had been stripped away and we had no control over it. The time, and thought and care that went into picking our donor was a personal and intimate process. The reason we selected one donor over all the others was deeply complicated and personal. Part of the selection process for us was finding a donor who resonated with my wife, who she felt a connection to.

Honestly, if this happened to us, I can't say that I wouldn't sue. I would want to ensure that this kind of carelessness NEVER happened again. We live in a litigious society, and in many ways I hate that. People are quick to file suit to try and make a fast buck. This kind of thing can really cause emotional damage to a family though, and that needs to be taken into account. The racial component tears me up inside, because I very deeply disagree with the basis for why this couple is suing. I know they have to prove damages, but I can't support the route that they have taken when it comes to the issue of race...

I could go on forever, because as we have all acknowledged this is a very complicated issue... all I know is that the whole thing just makes me feel sad. I am sad for the family this happened to. I am sad for the little girl who will grow up in the shadow of what has been said about her and 50% of her DNA. I am sad for all of the people commenting about this who simply don't understand.

Karlamo

I saw this going around too.  I feel for this woman and her family.  My wife and I spent weeks picking the right donor for our family.  It was one of the biggest decisions we had to make as parents.  On more than one occaion I was in tears over picking my child's future DNA.  I will say when we picked a donor the first thing we narrowed it down to was race.  We wanted someone who reflected our family.  Then we narrowed by health history, eye color, etc. 

Some of the first thoughts I had when I read this were she should be questioning her fertility clinc too.  Where there checks in place?  I know we had our donor # checked about 3 times before our procedure.  We had our donor number memorized for this reason alone.

Secondly, what do they tell their child if she asks why she doesn't look like them?  Do they tell her the truth that there was a mix up or do they lie to her?  How does one reconcile that within themselves and then to their child. 

If this couple were heterosexual would the media/society still be judging them?  Imagine a straight couple trying to be discreet about using donor sperm and then this happened.   

So much of the process of TTC for couples like us is out of our hands and to have the one thing we feel we have a say over taken away is heartbreaking.  They must be or have been in so much emotinal  pain.  I hope they can find a way to move forward. 

 

 

2MamazInSeattle

Agreed that @doodah1013‌ said it all very well!

Last night J was reading that the sperm bank has no computerized systems, and the mixup was between donor 380 and 330 due to someone reading the handwriting incorrectly on the order. The lack of redundancies/checks and balances is pretty inexcusable. I agree with @KH826‌ that I'm not sure I'd sue, but I would want some way for the bank to be held accountable and institute appropriate process and procedure to avoid this in the future. Something as simple as our egg bank's numbering system starts with CA for Caucasian, AS for Asian, etc. Simple changes could easily prevent this.

KH826

2MamazInSeattle said:

Agreed that @doodah1013‌ said it all very well! Last night J was reading that the sperm bank has no computerized systems, and the mixup was between donor 380 and 330 due to someone reading the handwriting incorrectly on the order. The lack of redundancies/checks and balances is pretty inexcusable. I agree with @KH826‌ that I'm not sure I'd sue, but I would want some way for the bank to be held accountable and institute appropriate process and procedure to avoid this in the future. Something as simple as our egg bank's numbering system starts with CA for Caucasian, AS for Asian, etc. Simple changes could easily prevent this.

All of this is making me think... are sperm banks not a regulated industry? I feel very much not informed for not knowing this already. I work in pharmaceuticals/biotech with a compliance focus, and I guess I just assumed (perhaps naively) that banks were highly regulated... I am definitely going to look into this to educate myself.

doodah1013

@KH286 , I was wondering if you would chime in.  When I read this story, I immediately thought about you!  Not that race and sex are the same thing, and although this story is very different from yours, I did think about how someone has a pre-conceived notion that their baby is going to be one thing, or another, and then how earth shattering it can be when that notion is changed.  It certainly doesn't change how you feel about that baby... but there are certainly emotional complications that come along with that, right?

We all want to believe we can live in the absence of expectations... but lets face it... that is just not true of being human.

Again, I have spent way to long thinking about this again today... but I feel like it is positive to acknowledge that... because that means there are feelings there that maybe I should work through or think about!

ball.and.chain

@KH826, I'm pretty sure the industry is not regulated in the US, which is a huge issue. I will come back later to add my ten cents!

channe9

Glad to see this on here because I've just read a comment piece from The Guardian that's got me RAGING. 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/03/sperm-donot-lawsuit-racism-eugenics-lesbian-couple-black-donor

Like many of you have said, choosing a sperm donor has been a very complicated and personal process. I've felt uncomfortable with the sort of catalogue of features, drop down menus that are similar to dating websites, etc. My wife has felt especially uncomfortable with it and she's been hesitant to look at baby photos and personal details. I understand people's strong preference towards WTBK donors and, in the UK, this is mandatory. (I believe this privileges -- and reinforces -- a Western "scientific" understanding of kinship as biological rather than relational but that's for another discussion... ) So... every couple makes these decisions in their own way. They choose to use (or not) the tools at their disposal. 

Anyway, all this is to say that I am OUTRAGED that Julie Bindel is arguing that we are somehow engaging in eugenics and creating designer babies. I'm wondering what option Bindel wants me to take? She seems to be longing for those days when I would simply ask a friend -- great! If I had a friend to ask... Should I instead ask a stranger? Would I be engaging in eugenics if I choose an attractive stranger? A smart stranger? A brown-eyed stranger? How in the heck are we supposed to make these kinds of decisions? And why are same-sex couples and/or SMBC criticised for making choices that the (decidedly strange) "market" presents us with? I know that Bindel is ALSO questioning the market but we obviously do not come to the same conclusions. 

@KH826 The US has very few regulations. All that said, the overly regulated UK way doesn't seem to be THE answer either... 

KH826

OK, so I did some preliminary digging into US regulations, and found this:

https://www.fairfaxcryobank.com/fda.shtml 

https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/cdrh/cfdocs/cfCFR/CFRSearch.cfm?CFRPart=1271

Obviously, these regulations are far from air-tight; however, it seems to me that if the bank that is in question was ever subject to an FDA audit (which I hope they will be now) that they would receive a warning letter, and potentially be shut down.

The more I have thought about this from a regulated patient risk perspective, the more upset I have found myself getting... what about prospective parents who have a high risk of carrying/passing on a genetic disorder to their children, and therefore seek a donor that does not also have the same genetic risk factors (Ex: Tay-sachs)? What if they were given the wrong sperm, and that increased the risk of their child having a genetic disorder?

mrs&mrsk

I'd never heard of that cryobank.  This makes me glad that we went with a "well known" bank that has checks and balances. 

We laughed on the day of the IUI about the several checks we had to do... and that we had to carry our own vial across the office to make sure it was "right".  Afterwards, we did wonder about the possibility of a mix up.  

I'm not sure what we would do.  I feel like having 2 moms is a big thing for a kid growing up to deal with- yes mostly because of other peoples' judgments and ignorance.  To (as others have stated) lose the choice of limiting your child's "differences" in addition to all the other choices and reasons for your decision in this process... is BS! 

I agree that suing won't help the child, but it sure does bring light to the subject and I am sure that someone will make sure that THAT bank starts getting more regulations, even if not required. 

What a mess!!  

redrockmama

So my confession....J was worried that the bank sent us the wrong vial because she thought M had African-American features in his later ultrasounds, so we actually discussed what we would do if they did (half seriously anyways). I just thought he looked like me. 

We talked about if we would sue the bank or not and I don't think we would. I agree with @KH826 that we would want to make sure it didn't happen again somehow. I think that while suing seems like the initial response, it wouldn't be the right thing to do for us. I can't imagine how that would feel to the child. No amount of money or punishment would be worth creating a forever lasting trail and media frenzy that we wanted a different child. I'm sure it would be a big adjustment, but we would love our baby. 

And the race issue is definitely relevant in the sense that if the bank had switched out two white donors, the couple probably would never have known. I hope they use any money they are awarded to help themselves feel more adequate in raising a biracial child, since they say that is what the main issue is. There are many resources to help and educate them, including moving somewhere their child and family will be more welcome (which is mentioned in the story). I feel for this little girl, her life is going to be complicated and if I were her, I'd feel pretty unwanted and "wrong". 

mwagner25

The media portrayl of this has left me unsettled and many of you have already voiced opinions very similar to my own on this issue.

One other thought on this is that if a heterosexual couple had used the sperm bank to have the husband provide sperm to be treated for IUI/IVF procedures and his wife was inadvertently inseminated by another man's sperm that the whole take on this lawsuit would be viewed in a completely different light.  I think majority of people would then believe this lawsuit was valid.  Where as with it being a lesbian couple the validity of choosing a specific donor seems to be in question, as if it doesn't matter which donor she was inseminated with and that they should just be thankful to have a child.  

JGY

redrockmama said:

So my confession....J was worried that the bank sent us the wrong vial because she thought M had African-American features in his later ultrasounds, so we actually discussed what we would do if they did (half seriously anyways). I just thought he looked like me. 

 

On a humorous note, we had this exact same concern for the same reasons and the same conversation.  At the time we were able to laugh about it because we didn't really delve too far into the "What-ifs."  Thank god we didn't have to.  But I thought it was pretty hilarious that we had this same experience.

ETA - to clarify, the reasons why we were able to laugh is that while challenging, we would have been up for raising a bi-racial child in a 2-white-parent family.  So that part got the shoulder shrug, and the "We will work hard to figure it out" response.  As stated above, we didn't dare foray into the conversations about why we picked the donor we picked, and what we would do if this other donor wasn't WTBK.  Not to mention the feelings of violation and the lack of validation that our ability to choose is incredibly F-ing important.

JGY

 

mwagner25 said:

The media portrayl of this has left me unsettled and many of you have already voiced opinions very similar to my own on this issue.

One other thought on this is that if a heterosexual couple had used the sperm bank to have the husband provide sperm to be treated for IUI/IVF procedures and his wife was inadvertently inseminated by another man's sperm that the whole take on this lawsuit would be viewed in a completely different light.  I think majority of people would then believe this lawsuit was valid.  Where as with it being a lesbian couple the validity of choosing a specific donor seems to be in question, as if it doesn't matter which donor she was inseminated with and that they should just be thankful to have a child.  

This, exactly this.  Apparently @MWagner25 and I share a brain today.

redrockmama

JGY said:

redrockmama said:

So my confession....J was worried that the bank sent us the wrong vial because she thought M had African-American features in his later ultrasounds, so we actually discussed what we would do if they did (half seriously anyways). I just thought he looked like me. 

 

On a humorous note, we had this exact same concern for the same reasons and the same conversation.  At the time we were able to laugh about it because we didn't really delve too far into the "What-ifs."  Thank god we didn't have to.  But I thought it was pretty hilarious that we had this same experience.

ETA - to clarify, the reasons why we were able to laugh is that while challenging, we would have been up for raising a bi-racial child in a 2-white-parent family.  So that part got the shoulder shrug, and the "We will work hard to figure it out" response.  As stated above, we didn't dare foray into the conversations about why we picked the donor we picked, and what we would do if this other donor wasn't WTBK.  Not to mention the feelings of violation and the lack of validation that our ability to choose is incredibly F-ing important.

haha that is kind of hilarious. We also didn't talk about the wtbk or not ramifications. We did consider using an african-american known donor, so also wouldn't have had an issue with raising a bi-racial kiddo. 

Jazibel

I agree with much of what has been written above, including the fact that there needs to be a better system of checks and balances for this type of thing.  Race issue aside it's the parents right to bring the child of their choosing into the world.  Like many of you EV and I felt very strongly about the donors we selected from the sperm bank.  There are hundreds of good ones but only a couple were our top choices - for reasons that were personal. And yes some of those attributes had to do with race, hair color, eye color. So that the child would look like it fit with our family.  

My thought is that the "race" card is being played because it unfortunately has the most likelihood of getting the attention and compensation the parents are looking for.  Sadly whether they win the lawsuit or not their child will carry the knowledge that the mix-up and her race was not "fate" but unfortunate circumstance.  Not being "wanted" is a hard burden to bear and I hope that the parents really work on their own issues and communicate with their daughter about their struggle and their love.

Even as a bi-racial person with bi-racial kids I do understand that it is an added "complication". When EV and I talk about using her eggs in a partner IVF we often debate do we use  our current white donor so our kids are siblings or do we select another donor that more resembles me and the color/race of our kids?  I don't know what we'll do when (or if) that time ever comes. It's a complicated issue. But its our choice and I think that's whats most important. 

Officerofthelaw

I can honesty say with 100% certainty that I would embrace any child that I created, mix up or not. I would be thankful that I was able to conceive. I would be upset with the sperm bank for not running their operation better but never ever would I sue them or make a huge deal about my child. Regardless of whether the child is African American, Caucasian, Asian, Indian, whatever, I would hands down be grateful. However, I do believe that everyone has a right to feel the way they want and since I'm not in that mothers shoes, I don't want to speculate whether she is making the right decisions or statements.