Hitting in preschool

JourneyToBaby

So I have two boys, twins, who are 4 and in preschool.  One is very well behaved and the other has lots of trouble with impulse control and as a result, hitting.  He has gotten red 3 times since school has started.  Twice for legit hitting out of anger, a kid took a toy, and the third for hitting on accident, out of excitement.  Hitting at school, accident or not, can't happen and as a result will land him on red every time.  With other behaviors, you can earn your way back to green.

If he (or they) bring home yellow or red, the consequence is no TV/electronics of any kind an no dessert.

I feel that this is appropriate but this child is not getting the message and I think that I need more.  

I need balance here.  I can't send him to school and have him get in trouble and then have him be "in trouble" all night too.  But the tv/dessert thing isn't making the cut.

Any recs on what else I can do?  Maybe a reward system for GOOD behavior at home?  A marble jar?

Do you all have trouble with impulse control in your 4 year olds?  I would be grateful to any and all advice here.  

JourneyToBaby

@mcbenny The accidental hit was when he was sitting next to a girl, both were cross legged and he got excited about something, spazzed out and hit her in the leg.

I wasn't there, since it was at school,  but this is how the scenario was described to me.

stra0111

I would go more with rewarding good behaviour. I also don't feel good about using food as a consequence (even if it's "dessert"). Does he have good language skills? Have you talked about what he should do when he feels mad or frustrated as opposed to what he shouldn't?

JourneyToBaby

@PrivacyWanted

What you described, "flapping arms" is almost exactly what happened.  

At first I agreed with you that an "accidental hit" shouldn't be punishable in the same way as an intentional hit but then I decided that he really needs to learn than hitting is wrong in all cases, accidental or not.  

carrotcake06

My oldest is 4.5 and is a hitter. He hits when he gets angry and if he's hell bent on escalating, he will get to the hitting point regardless of how / what we do.

We still use timeouts for hitting, but it really has become more of an opportunity to cool off and regroup. He lets us know when he's ready to rejoin us.

What precipitates the hitting? Do you know it's coming? Can you try and head it off or give him a place to let out his anger?

I don't expect 4yo to have impulse control. But I do expect them to know appropriate behavior, so I think giving them a place to have an outlet for that impulse that is appropriate is a good middle ground.

stra0111

Uh Ya I am in the camp that an accident is an accident. We can't all be perfect all the time. Accidents require an apology sure, but a punishment? No.

JourneyToBaby

@stra0111

Thanks for the feedback.  I am thinking that the positive route and rewards for positive behavior at home is the way to go.

He has good language skills and it a very bright boy.  We talk about choices and how he chooses his behavior, whatever it may be. We also talk about scenarios and making the right choice in whatever scenario.

His first red was because he hit a boy who took his sand toy on the playground so we talked about options other than hitting to solve the problem... ask him to give it back, telling the teacher, etc etc.  He agrees and understands when we talk in a calm setting but in the heat of the moment, he'll hit, kick sand, or get generally pissed off.  He has a hot head and I'm reading and talking to people as much as I can about ways to help him deal with his temper/impulse control in these kind of situations.  He is either sweet as pie or heated.

  My two boys could not be more different, personality wise.

PrimRoseMama

stra0111 said:

Uh Ya I am in the camp that an accident is an accident. We can't all be perfect all the time. Accidents require an apology sure, but a punishment? No.

This where I am at. It sounds like this "always punishing" method isn't achieving the outcome you desire. Scrap it.

What are his verbal skills like? Can you work with him to redirect his physical energy into something else? Clapping? That might be easier when he's excited & when he's upset etc. learning to remove himself?

DD is only almost 3, but when she gets worked up there is drama. Sometimes she tries to get physical but I remind her of "soft touches! It's alright to be mad. That's ok. Just don't hurt our friends."

I would address the hitting when you see it, but I think this might be something he has to grow out of.

stra0111

It can be easy to forget that kids are people too. Some people are more hot-headed than others. Some internalize more. Some are more sensitive. But when you are 4 and just learning about self control and other ways to deal with anger, sometimes you just go by instinct KWIM? I also am not a fan of this whole red card, green card thing as an ECE. Especially for 4 year Olds. Hitting needs to be dealt with at the time it happens (hopefully even before it happens if possible), not hours later.

JourneyToBaby

The thing is, as his mom, I can see when something is escalating when I'm with my kids and as a mom, I would most definitely intervene and end it before it happened but this is happening at school.  

There are 2 teachers and 15 kids, and the 2 teachers cannot follow around my kid waiting for something to come up.  He has to learn that he needs to keep his hands to himself at school, can't break crayons during art and needs to participate in whatever they are doing at the time.  He wants to make his own rules and thats not gonna fly in school.  

I'm kind of off on a tangent here but really do appreciate the advice you're all giving me.  

JourneyToBaby

@stra0111

Thanks for your calm/logical feedback... you are making me feel better.  I need to remember that he is still learning.

This son is JUST like my husband and my other son is more like me.