Getting Pictures

forevermyfenix

Today marks 2 months since we lost our Fenix. It's surreal how fast people around us get back to normal. I've been very thankful to have my grandmother who had a miscarriage at 4 months to lean on. It always amazes me how strong she had to be to experience her loss in a time where the norm would be to act like it didn't happen. 

Anyways. When we lost Fenix, a group called HALO (Honoring Angels Like Owen) came by and gave us a 2 hour photo shoot. Processing time for those pictures is 6-8 weeks. I've been so incredibly anxious to get those pictures, just so I could have more than the one good picture of Fenix. I was told today the disc would be mailed today or tomorrow, meaning I should get them by the end of the week. Now I'm almost terrified to get them, knowing those would be the last ones I'll ever get of him. It's almost as if I tell myself that if we don't get them then there'd be more coming in the obscurity of "soon." Something to look forward to I guess. Now, as much as I'm looking forward to seeing my son in those pictures, I'm scared to be giving up "soon" and trading it in for "that's all." 

Who else went through this as far as pictures are concerned and how did finally getting them in your hands affect you? How did you cope with it?

rslh10

Oh love. No advice, I just want to send you so many ((hugs)) right now <333 

ctk181

I also have no advice or experience, but want to offer giant (((HUGS)))!

jms627

Same as all PPs - no advice but tons of hugs to you!!

CreechMommy

So sorry lady, I know it's going to be hard to see the pictures, but I hope it brings you peace too.  I don't know what it's like because we lost ours very early on.  So I don't have any advice for you, but I hope the best for you.  ((Hugs))

sfazar

My heart goes out to you.  I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear boy. I have no advice, but reading about the pictures made my heart feel full. It sounds like they will be a really beautiful remembrance of him when you are ready to see them. I wish you all of the peace and love in the world as you heal.

LizBlue

Sending hugs and strength.

beemaya83

I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice to offer. Hugs to you!!

smagglebit

The hospital I went to had people on call to come take pictures. I understand what you're going through. When we got the disc, I was excited to see them, but also dreading it at the same time. Really strange mixed emotions. My husband and I sat down to look at the pictures together, and we made sure to have lots of tissues close by. I lost my baby at 17 weeks, and I hadn't gotten to the point where I got to feel him moving. So for me, the pictures are a reminder that I really did go through that, if that makes sense. It was real, and not just in my head. I look at them when I really miss him and just need to connect to him. My pictures are kind of sacred to me. I don't flash them around to just anyone. I'm actually very grateful for something to look at and be able to see my little guy. 

I'm sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.

lovemybellag

I want to say that although I have no experience I am so proud of how strong you ladies are. I'm amazed. I lost my little one early and every day I am in tears over it. Can't imagine having gone months and then loosing a baby. Hugs

forevermyfenix

Thank you all for your support and help. I am so thankful to have these pictures, and at least not right now I'm not crying for more. I hope I didn't offend someone who may not have them, and I sincerely apologize if I hurt anyone. 

forevermyfenix

Here are two of my favorites

buggirl72

Your pictures are beautiful.

I delivered Zachary at 20 weeks. I was fortunate that the L&D I was at was in a high-risk hospital and they had a lot of experience with "20-weekers" as the intake person put it. What this meant for me, my husband, and Zachary was that we had an amazing nurse who spent the night preparing a memory box for us which also included pictures.

No pictures were taken of Zachary when he was still alive. His time with us was so limited that we did not want that intrusion. The nurse took a bunch after. I had mixed feelings about those pictures. The hospital had a bereavement nurse who had "custody" of the pictures and, I felt, held them hostage from us trying to make us come in and talk to her. When, almost a year later, we were moving out of state, I finally got her to mail the photos to us. My husband has not looked at them and does not want to. I went through them once. In some ways it upset me to see how much he was moved and manipulated. It bothered me and still does.  I'm glad I have the pictures but I don't know if I'll ever look at them again. They are in his box with his other stuff.

ctk181

Beautiful @artgeek009‌ Thank you for sharing.

SeaParrot

I am so very sorry for your loss. Fenix looks absolutely beautiful in those photos.

BookishMomma

I am sitting here crying as I read these stories that you and others have to share, and seeing the pictures of your beautiful, perfect son. I know @ashtog has pictures of her Sawyer, too. She's a photographer, and I'm not sure if she took the pictures or if someone else did, but I am guessing she can relate to the complicated emotions you are feeling. 

I came across an ultrasound photo the other day while cleaning that I tucked away after my last miscarriage. I couldn't bear to throw it away, but I also didn't want to look at it when I was feeling so raw. It is saved inside a little card that says "Baby's First Picture." Little did I know on the happy day I got that picture that it would also be her last. 

I just want to send you so many hugs and let you know that I am thinking of you. 

rslh10

Your pictures are beautiful thank you for sharing them with us.

kreardon11

Beautiful, just beautiful.

smagglebit

@artgeek009 Thank you for sharing pictures of your precious Fenix. He is beautiful.