Spouse first or kids first?

ASmallWonder

Not talking about feeding them or basic life care- a general sense of top billing, if you will

ASmallWonder

Forced choice!  The "cheating cheaters who cheat" post gave no wiggle room for situational answers so I didn't either:

10. Putting your children before your spouse

Kids matter. They are very important people in your life, but not more important than your spouse. If you knock your spouse off the top of your priority list you are not showing total fidelity to him or her. Your mate must come first. Not only does it cement your marriage and make it stronger, it gives your children the best security blanket they will ever have.

ASmallWonder

You go @gwinny

sleepy33

 I am confused. Like...emotionally? Or...? I said kid b/c right now, we are his whole world and it's our first, so obviously we are both focusing more on him than each other.

sleepy33

Also, feeding and basic life care for the kid takes up like 85% of our combined time these days, so there's that.

ASmallWonder

For me, my kids are my #1.  That doesn't mean I don't take my husband into consideration but I've always felt like DH is part of my life, my kids are part of ME.  

I remember watching an Oprah episode once where a woman rescued her husband first from a burning house and their children passed away.  She kept saying that her husband was her life and they've gone on to have more children.  I just can't feel that way and thankfully, DH feels the same.

ASmallWonder

@mcbenny absolutely!  I do agree with you on that and I know my pole is fully of holes lol  I just really hated that part of the cheater list.  It was so absolute and that just ain't how the real world works.

ASmallWonder

@melOHdy I pretty much expected a virtual flip off from everyone because that's the damn point - there is no "all the time" answer to this and I hate when people think there is.  But, when forced to choose, I think of a worst case scenario and in that sad situation, I choose my children.

bearfootz

I probably love the kids more - as far as having that instinct to protect them and such.  However, I feel like we try to make our marriage the first priority and when we do then it benefits the whole family. 

But I didn't marry an a-hole and he'd never ask me to choose between him and the kids, so there's that.

 

 

tbmadeamistake

I will live with DH until we die, I will live with my children for approximately 18 years. He comes first because if he doesn't, I can't imagine what we'd do after the kids move out.

ASmallWonder

@mcbenny I brought it up as a general comment that some people take the "God first, spouse second, children third" thing to what I think is an extreme, just like the author of that article did but in a different way.  Just because my kids are my #1 doesn't mean I'm cheating or at risk of cheating, kwim?

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dp1320

In theory, I would put my husband first... but I find that difficult to do. As pps have said - I think a good, healthy marriage is one of the best things we can give our kids, but in order to achieve that you need to put the time and effort into it. But I don't think for one second that putting your kids before your spouse is "cheating". That's ludicrous.

Also, I think everything is situational. There will be times when your kid(s) needs to be first...there will be times when your husband needs to be first...and there will be times when YOU need to be first.

SpaceGirlSpiff

It is such a complicated question, which is why it's stupid how it's portrayed in the cheater article

When you have children, you absolutely should not stop being a spouse and you need to work at keeping your marriage healthy -- because that is also for the sake of your children, really.  Portraying a strong and healthy partnership, ideally keeping the marriage in tact, etc...that benefits us AND our children

However, if it became life or death, or my spouse is bringing toxicity into the household that could harm our children and myself.... or a million other reasons that might pop up that I'm not going to list out... absolutely my children come first.  Their health, well being, safety come first.  H and I should BOTH put that first.

So really, if we want to put it into a simplistic answer, children should come first... in the sense that, we keep our marriage strong for both the sake of us AND our children (which yes sometimes means favoring the spouses' needs over the child's desires or less critical needs dependent on the situation), and also put their well-being/health/safety first before each other.

SpaceGirlSpiff

The answer can be children come first because usually for me, the REASON that I'm putting something before my child in a particular moment (spouse/work/school whatever) is because the benefit to him is greater when looking at the bigger picture or looking to the future.  So it's still for him!  Just not in an obvious way to an outsider looking in

I go to school a couple nights a week ...so that I can earn more later to provide for my child/family

I work overtime because this job is important to maintain so that I can have the flexibility and support for my child/family

I go on date nights with my husband and leave the kid with grandma/grandpa, so that we can have a strong and happy relationship...to portray to our children, and to help them feel secure

It's all for them in the end when you really analyze it!  And yes, for my sanity too! Because children need a SANE parent.

thebanich

I was thinking of this from a needs perspective. My kids can't take care of themselves and DH is a grown ass man.

Kids come first for me.

cattuccino

As a general rule, kids first. This is an agreement between my husband and I. 

In an emergency, we get to our kids before each other. 

bearfootz

 

mcg1119 said:

It's not so black and white. We still have an infant, so her needs are greater than ours at the moment. I do want to put my husband first, though. I've seen people lose who they are after they become parents, and I don't want that to happen. Growing up, I always knew my parents loved each other. They had a relationship aside from the fact they were our parents. When I went to college they missed me, but had so much fun together. They built forts in the living room and watched romantic movies together, they went on trips. After 41 years of marriage, they were still madly in love when she died last year. If I want that for myself years from now, DH and I need to foster our relationship outside of being parents.

I think I learned this from my parents too. And I never felt like I wasn't a priority as their child.

I think it also helped me to know that the world didn't revolve around me - because everyone had to learn that lesson eventually.

BluepointToasted

What @mcbenny said

ShakeyJakey

ASmallWonder said:

For me, my kids are my #1.  That doesn't mean I don't take my husband into consideration but I've always felt like DH is part of my life, my kids are part of ME.  

This is where I'm at. I grew my LO and still nourish him. He's a little piece of me walking around.

allrightmeow

mcbenny said:

I wouldn't say it like that but you don't stop being a spouse when you have kids and I feel some people do that. They lose themselves in being a parent and stop being a friend and a mate to the spouse. The best gift I can give my children is for them to see their parents respecting each other and that means how the other one feels and their needs. I don't want anyone to feel put on the back burner.

+1  I have friends who make little to no time for their spouse.  Their days are crammed with soccer practice, ballet. karate, scouts etc.  They get dinner on the table and get up and do it again the next day.  Alone time with your spouse is very important.  I try to encourage my friends to do it.  I even offer to babysit for some of them.  

JNerd

I don't think this is a question of 'who would you save from a burning building', rather about where your priorities are.
My kids are a huge part of my world, but they are not my entire world. They need help meeting their needs so clearly that is what we spend time doing.
But they are not always going to be this young, or even live at home. However, I want to be with hubby 'till death do us part,' so I make him/us a priority too. I need his help, to be his partner and his equal.
I know I am not the best of mothers when hubby and I aren't doing well, and that we function much better as a family when we are more connected.
I voted hubby, but that doesn't mean my kids get shafted

lifesaverz

How do people answer this question?? I don't know, it feels impossible to choose, I just think balance is important.

angelashly

I agree with @mcbenny and other pp who said spouse but that the burning building wouldn't matter because my spouse would want me to save our dd before him.