Need advice. What would you do?

Spring78

Sorry this is going to be long. So I am facing a dilemma regarding the scheduling of our next FET and I do not know what I should do. I experienced a mmc at nearly 12 weeks back at the end of July. We immediately started planning our next FET and as of now, it is scheduled for Nov 5 and I am set to start Lupron next week. Two weeks ago, we found out my MIL likely has ovarian cancer. Her surgergy (hysterectomy and oophorectomy) has been scheduled for Oct 16. The C-word aside, this surgery is going to be very hard on her. My mom had the procedure done for different reasons when she was twenty years younger than my MIL and she was pretty much out of commission for weeks. My DH is an only child and his father, though a great guy, has physical disabilities that will limit how much he can do during MIL's recovery, so we will likely be helping out a lot. I certainly do not mind doing anything I can (and MIL will accept) to help out, but I cannot ignore the fact that dealing with this situation ( juggling my own life and assisting in-laws, trying to help DH through the fear and pain of this diagnosis) is going to be unimaginably stressful. Add on top of that the stress of an FET cycle with all the hormones, shots, patches, Dr visits, etc... I feel a bit panicky just thinking about it. Should I just postpone the FET? My mom, DH and MIL all say we shouldn't change our plans... And my MIL dearly wants a grandchild and if the biopsy comes back confirming the suspected diagnosis, time might be in short supply (she has stated she would not pursue chemo if stage III or IV). So, there is a lot at stake, a lot of factors to consider.

Km380

I just want to offer (((hugs))) I hope your mil's surgery goes well and she is ok. I don't have any advice, I think only you and YH can decide what is best here. I'm not even sure what I would do. But I'm sorry you have all of this additional stress and worry. (((Hugs)))

MrsG80inTN

Wanted to offer hugs.  I know this has to put you under a lot of stress.  I'm not sure what I would do exactly, but I might be up for postponing at least a month to have it be a little less stressful of a time.  What does your husband think?

meredithcarole

That is such a tough position to be in.  I was looking at your age (I am 35) and I see that you are 36.  There is something to be said for your MIL's time potentially being short and that she wouldn't want you to put your life on hold.  If you were 26 I would probably say wait a few months, but I know that the older I get the more worried I get about the time, too.  

On the other hand, you might potentially have some rough months ahead of you.  Surgeries have come a long way in 20 years so maybe it won't be quite the same experience your mom had, but if she has to do chemo and radiation that it going to knock her for a loop.  It would be very hard to be potentially KU and have all that emotional weight.  

I know that doesn't really help, it just restates the quandary you already have, but I lean a little toward maybe delaying a month to see what the true diagnosis is.  That way you have all the information and you aren't moving forward blindly.  

I will be sending light and positive thoughts to your MIL.  I certainly hope they find that it is not what it looks like and that her surgery goes well.  

(((Hugs)))

LizBlue

I think waiting one month does not push you back all that much and it may give you a better sense of what might be required if you and your H in terms of helping his mom.

Is this your first FET? (I'm mobile so I can't see sigs). I ask because my FETS were infinitely easier than IVF cycle. I just wanted to give you encouragement in case you decide to go for it that it's not that bad and you will get through it.

I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. Throwing in IF treatment on top doesn't sound fun at all. GL and know that we're here for you if you need an ear or a shoulder.

Big hugs.

eliida

No advice, just hugs. I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

alm288

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry. Will be thinking of you and your family. I don't know what I would do. I think you and YH need to discuss how much stress you can handle and if it's manageable. (((Hugs)))

Paigeleeann25

Lurking but just wanted to say, do you know if the surgery will be laparoscopic or open? I ask because the recovery times are very different for both. It might be something you want to check before you make a decision.

centralperk

I don't really have any advice but wanted to say I am thinking about your MIL and you and your DH in this very diffcult situation. I hope you are able to come up with a solution that is positive for everyone involved.

beemaya83

I'm sorry that you find yourself with this dilema. I agree with the rest of pp that perpahs waiting one month is probably a good idea, just to see what will happen with your MIL. Definitely keep having open discussions with your DH and MIL. With that being said, you should not feel like you need to put your life on hold. I can somewhat relate to you because my MIL has had several strokes and can no longer walk and needs assistance with practically everything. DH has taken a lot of time helping out, but we have discussed that we will keep TTC regardless. It has added more stress, but our desire to become parents is much stronger than anything else.

I'll keep you in my prayers. @Spring78

peregrinefalconx

I also offer my sympathies, but I will say that perhaps (although stressful), helping her may not only be a service to her but to yourself as well. Helping others can get you out of your own head and keep you busy. The hormone stuff makes me a crazy person and anything that provides structure or focus is helpful during those times. Maybe it will be like that for you, so don't psych yourself out. Both my parents had cancer in the last couple of years and were running their business in-between doc appts/radiation, etc. I mentioned how ridiculous it was that they couldn't just focus on their health needs and they said that work helped keep things normal for them, as difficult as it was to juggle everything.

Good luck!!

Spring78

Thanks, ladies. I really appreciate all the support. I still don't know what I am going to do... but I have another week before I need to make the final call (even if I go ahead and order the meds, they can wait another month or so). I tried to talk to my husband about it again last night... but when I asked what he thought about delaying, he fixated on whether it was too close to the holidays or not. When I finally got through to him that I was not concerned about the holidays but I was concerned about his mom's situation, he never really responded. He got quiet then changed the subject. No one really wants to talk about what is happening. But it won't go away if we ignore it.  As for the type of surgery, I think they are leaning toward open due to tumor involvement, but I do not think anything is set in stone yet in that regard.  My age is certainly a factor to considered. At t.hi.s point, I'd be 37 at delivery -- and that is if this transfer were to be the on that worked. I really don't wnt to put it off any longer than necessary... and chances are it is going to be a long time until things are better... MIL intends to refuse chemo if it is stage III or IV (75% of ovarian cancers are diagnosed at stage III or IV, so odds not in our favor), and if we are lucky, it will be early and she will try to fight it, meaning chemo... I just don't see a path for things to be less srressful anytime soon

Spring78

Thanks for letting me ramble and work my waythrough this a little... With everyone trying to live in denial here, I don't really have anyone in real life tobounce these thoughts off of. I need to be sure I have at least my own thoughts worked out before I force DH to face the issue. Maybe there is no need to do that at all, if I decide to go through with it, since that is what he wants to do, anyway... *sigh* So much to think about.

natalie115

No advice, but just wanted to say (((hugs))) and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this decision.

meredithcarole

Spring78 said:

Thanks for letting me ramble and work my waythrough this a little... With everyone trying to live in denial here, I don't really have anyone in real life tobounce these thoughts off of. I need to be sure I have at least my own thoughts worked out before I force DH to face the issue. Maybe there is no need to do that at all, if I decide to go through with it, since that is what he wants to do, anyway... *sigh* So much to think about.

((Hugs)) Spring.  I am sure you are under such an incredible amount of stress.  We are here for you.  :x

cpedward

I'm sorry you are faced with this situation. This is a very personal decision. I don't have experience FET so I don't know what kind of physical strain is involved but if it were me, I'd try to get a good gauge on where my husband was at emotionally with everything and whether he was prepared. Guys can be so difficult to read sometimes.  If he was ready to go ahead, I would probably do it just because (at least in my case) life never seems to get any less stressful. To be honest, although probably not the healthiest way of dealing with my emotions, I've found that the more stressed I am about other areas of my life, the less time I spend worrying about fertility issues that I have no control over. This is very complicated though so I don't know if I would have the same opinion if I was actually going through this rather than hypothetically. Extra workload and emergency house repairs are a very different kind of problem. My heart goes out to you.