Third-Party Reproduction

What would you say to/ask your donor?

Hey all!
So, after S was born, I asked my clinic to contact our donor to see if she'd be willing to meet. I heard back this week and she said yes! She is willing to have a clinic-facilitated meeting, as a one-time thing, and no baby. She's about to get married and plans to try to have a baby and since she's not sure she'll get one (she's 34 now) she said it'd be too hard to meet one of her genetic offspring.

So now I'm kind of nervous and excited! To be honest, my goal is just to be able to tell Simone as much as I can about her. I didn't have a specific agenda, but now to avoid awkwardness I thought it'd be smart to have some things in mind to talk about or ask or share. I wondered - even for those of you who have no desire to meet your donor - but hypothetically, what would you want to get out if it? What would you ask/talk about or share?

We do plan to give her a sealed envelope with our contact info in case she would like to get in touch in the future and hope she will tell us her name so if Simone wants to find her at age 18, she can. But truthfully I hope she gets in touch sooner - esp. if she has a baby, which I have a hunch she might.

In any case...ideas, thoughts? I realize this is huge for her and want to be sensitive, and it's huge for us but I think in a different way. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!!

Lil'mamaz was born on Aug 21, 2014! She's PERFECT!

It's been a long road to here...
Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
June'12 - First RE Visit
Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
Loss due to umbilical cord was perfect. :(
Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle


Re: What would you say to/ask your donor?

  • Honestly, I have no idea! BUT you are so lucky! I would jump at the chance to meet her and give her my name.

     I rarely think about the egg donor as much as I did while we were choosing. Our egg bank gave us a very detailed report and some of the questions she answered like "why are you a donor?" & "where would live if you could live anywhere on Earth?" She gave very lengthy responses so, as you can see I felt fairly comfortable w/ a glimpse into her personality.

    (But I will say that for a few minutes post transfer I felt so happy and thrilled at the possibility of a baby that I thought about her and I wanted to thank her & give her the biggest hug. it was kind of euphoric? hard to describe why I was thinking about her so much right then) anyway, I am so grateful to her and she has a son.

    I would like to know more about her education.

    My heart is as open as the sky.
    Read about it on the blog

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    2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

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  • First off – So cool that your donor wants to meet! What an amazing opportunity.

    When we chose our donor she had noted in her profile that she would be open to meeting, but in my mind I was thinking maybe in the future, like years.  After reading a thread on another website that covered meeting or not meeting your donor, I started to think maybe we should try to meet her prior to the retrieval. She lives on the other side of the country & she was going to be on this side.  I went back & forth – do we, don’t we.  I was even fearful that she might change her mind if she met us.  I finally came to the conclusion (a week prior to the retrieval) that this was an amazing opportunity to meet the woman who might actually help us build our family.  Was I still nervous – OH YEAH! 

    We met our donor & her mom at a Starbucks just a few days before the retrieval.  I kept thinking “keep it light”, which is what the thread had mentioned.  When she walked there was an awkward moment where we all just stood there & then a few seconds in she said “I don’t know whether to shake your hand or give you a hug”.  What an icebreaker!  I then said “If you don’t mind I’m going for the hug”.  I even gave her mom hug.  The next few minutes were spent buying them coffee & breakfast and then we finally sat down.  We started asking them how they were enjoying the city, what fun stuff had they done, even stuff about the great weather.   What I thought would be about an hour meeting turned into four and a half hours.  We asked her about her childhood & her mother talked about how she was as a baby & growing up.  We talked some medical stuff that wasn’t on the profile.  We talked about her love of travel.  We even talked about how this process had been for her.  The conversation just flowed after the initial 10 minutes.  We tried to let them lead the discussion and it went from there.

    We took pictures throughout the meeting (we asked first if it would be ok) – pix with all four of us, pix with just the donor & the two of us.  Her mom even brought her camera & took a few.  Those pix are so very special to us.

    When we met we only exchanged first names.  Since then we have been communicating through the agency.  Just a few weeks ago, we received an email from the agency saying that our donor had set up an email address where we could contact her directly.  So rather than exchange full on contact information, this is how we are staying in touch.  That might be an option for you to look at.  Not as direct, but she might lose the envelope in a move, where an email address might stay in use longer.

    Just remember she is probably just as nervous & excited as both of you are & she will have questions for you too.  Bottom line is keep it light.  Prepare a few things in your head, but then let the conversation go from there.  I know she is not wanting to meet the baby, but maybe after you all have talked a while, and if you feel it’s right, ask her if she wants to see a picture.

    Enjoy & cherish the meeting.  So cool!!!!

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  • That's so wonderful that you will get this opportunity!! Our agreement is closed, so unfortunately, we will not get to meet our donor. I wish we could though! I have no advice, but I think DBB said it right: keep it light and let the conversation flow naturally. I can't wait to hear how it goes!

    Me: 32 DH: 35  TTC#1 since March 2012
    Dx: Poor Embryo Quality, Arcuate Uterus, Poor Uterine Blood Flow, Mild Endo, 
           Protein S Deficiency, Sjorgen's Syndrome 

    IUI #1-5: BFN
    Laparoscopy & Hysteroscopy: minimal endo, partial septoplasty
    IVF #1: 10R/6M/6F ~ Day 3 ET = BFN
    IVF #2: 14R/9M/5F ~ transfer canceled ~ all embryos arrested at 1-2 cell stage
    IVF #3: 9R/5M/5F ~ 1 frosty!
    IVF #4 (FET #1): BFN

    IVF #5 (DE IVF #1 with Dr. KK protocol): Currently PREGNANT!!!!!!
    Synthroid + Prednisone + Metformin + Baby Aspirin + Supplements Galore = 15+ pills a day
    Lupron + Lovenox + Delestrogen + IVIG + B/W = 2-5 pokes a day
    19R, 17M, 17F - transferred two Grade A blasts 11/16, four frosties!!!
    Beta #1 11/24 (13dpo/8dp5dt) = 367 ~ Beta #2 11/26 (15dpo/10dp5dt) = 709
    Beta #3 11/29 (18dpo/13dp5dt) = 1,997 ~ Beta #4 12/1 (20dpo/15dp5dt) = 3,403


    My Blog: Running and Dreaming for Two ~ All are Welcome!
  • Thank you all for your replies, esp. @datingbettyboop‌ - super helpful. I don't know when it'll be yet but I will absolutely keep you all posted and provide an update!
    Lil'mamaz was born on Aug 21, 2014! She's PERFECT!

    It's been a long road to here...
    Me (43) and J (45) - same sex couple. And we don't feel 40+!
    June'12 - First RE Visit
    Sept. '12 - Tubes removed
    Dec. '12 - Donor Egg/Donor Sperm IVF Cycle - 4 good embies!
    Dec. '12 - Fresh transfer, BFP! EDD 8/29/13
    Mar. '13 - Missed m/c at 16w1d, baby boy stopped growing at 15w4d
    Loss due to umbilical cord was perfect. :(
    Jul '13 - FET#1 - c/p
    Sept. '13 - FET#2 - BFN
    Dec.' 2, 2013 - FET#3 with our last chance embie - BFP!!!
    Dec' 26, 2013 - hb!!
    EDD 8/20/14 with a baby girl!
    Little S was born on 8/21/14 - 8lb, 14 oz and 20 inches long.
    We live in Seattle and used SRM for our donor egg IVF cycle


  • Mrs.McIrishMrs.McIrish member
    edited October 2014
    I honestly don't know how to answer this. I don't want to meet our donor. She's young--prob 22 now but I think I'm the same age (if not a year older) than her mom!! I think it would be awkward to meet because of it. I'm grateful to her but I don't see us having a lot in common /much to talk about. That said, I am in contact with another recipient of her eggs (she's having the baby on Monday) so I do think about meeting her/having our kids meet someday since they are half-bio siblings (born 6 weeks apart).

    TTC #1 since 8/1/10; Me:41 and BRCA1+, DH:46
    DOR (FSH 24.3)/ terrible egg quality ; homozygous MTHFR c677t
    5 IUI's: 2/11 to 6/11 and 1/12= BFN
    OE IVF#1-4 8/11-6/12= all BFN
    DE IVF#1 11/12 bad embryos= BFN
    DE IVF #2 2/13 BFP/Beta hell: m/c 5w6d
    CFNBC 7 months, not doing well; decided on guarantee program at RBA w/frozen DE
    DE IVF #3 1/14  ET 4BB; BFP;M/C 5w1d, incomplete m/c; MVA extraction in ER 7w1d

    DE FET#1 ET 3/1714; BFP, beta 1 3/27= 197, beta 2 3/31= 1586, beta 3 4/7= 13879!!
    First u/s= Twins with HBs at 6w2d! We are Team Pink x 2!!

    K & K born 11/21/14 at 38wks 4 days


    SAIF/PAIF Welcome

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  • Km672Km672 member
    edited October 2014
    I have to agree with @Mrs.McIrish and @JimBobCooter‌. I don't want anymore contact or info about our donors.

    I don't mean to seem ungrateful, because I'm absolutely not ungrateful.

    Don't get me wrong, if I am ever (God freaking willing!!!!) lucky enough to have a child from these dual donor created embryos, I know the donor part does not just go away, but I just don't think about them.

    I thought a lot of our donors while we were selecting them, during the cycle itself and for a few days after her retrieval (I was concerned about if she was having an ok recovery), but now not so much, if ever to be completely honest.

    We selected both donors who would be willing to have contact with the child at some point, just in case that was what our child would want. We have agreed that if that was what our child wanted, we would support them and guide them through that process, but I feel that I know enough. I'm not at all curious about them.

    If this should ever work, I've tried to remember that our child will likely have qualities from 4 of us; genetic qualities from the egg and sperm donor and learned behaviors and interests from my husband and myself.

    I also would feel very awkward if I were to meet either donor. I'm pretty young to use DE (only 33, have been trying with DE for over a year) and the donors aren't that much younger than I am. I just don't see anything that would benefit from meeting either of them.

    All of that being said, this is obviously important to you and J. Also, from reading some of the responses above, a lot of people are curious about their donors. This is one of those things that is very individual and you need to do what is most comfortable for you and your family. I hope you have an amazing meeting and it gives you lots to share with Simone!!

    Me (32) DOR, elevated NK Cells/ 2 copies of MTHFR mutation/ MH (35) azoo/high DFI   (TTC#1 since 2009)

    IVFs#1-4: (4/10-2/12) all BFN

    Surprise Bfp (9/11) - c/p

    DS IUI#1-2 (9/12, 10/12) - BFN

    DS IVF: (11/12) - BFN

    DE/DS IVF#1: (10/13) - 2 day 3 embies transferred-BFFN

    FET of 2 day 6 blasts: (12/13) - c/p

    DE/DS IVF #2: (4/14) - 1 day 5 blast transferred...BFFN...again.

    FET 5/14: 1 day 5 hatching blast transferred...another BFFN

    Repeat SHG 6/14-normal / Endometrial Receptivity Array biopsy 7/14-Receptive Uterus

    New RE, additional testing reveals elevated NK Cells

    FET of 1 day 5 blast (RE recommends transferring 1 due to elevated NK cells) with lovenox, steroids & intralipids in October




  • mm29mm29 member
    edited October 2014
    I met my donor! Long story, but she had to do IVF for MFI to conceive herself. Who knew she used to post on these boards? She, like many others moved to fb. I knew something’s about her, like she was donating her eggs to help pay for her upcoming FET.

    She emailed OOP meds and mentioned she was donating her eggs, but after she was doing and FET. I knew she was my donor. I felt it in my heart. Anyway after a few exchanged emails. I learned that we live near each other, and I confessed that I thought she was my donor. I was right. We told the clinic we "knew" who each other were. They freaked out a little.

    It's different for me, because my cycle did not end with a BFP. But I do gtg with my donor from time to time for coffee, lunch, etc. At first we talked about our IF stories, and now we just talk like friends, about our lives etc. I am happy I know my donor. It was difficult for me to hold it in that I likely knew who she was. It felt dishonest and I am not a dishonest person. I was very concerned that maybe she didn't want to "know" those who she donated her eggs to and very happy it wasn't weird and now we have a great friendship.   

    I hope meeting her will go well.  I suspect it will!!  Please let us know how it goes.  Good Luck!! 
    ::: Married June 2003:::
    TTC #1 since: Aug. 2008
    Me: 34, DOR, MTHFR-A1298C (heterozygous), decreased blood flow to uterus, Mild Endo
    DH: 38, Balanced translocation 5&10, unexplained MFI, normal SA and SCSA
    Tx History: IUI 1&2= BFN
    IVF# 1 W/ICSI= BFN
    IVF# 2: cancelled d/t no response
    IVF# 3= 1 egg retrieved=immature/not viable
    IVF# 4= c/p
    ***CCRM ODWU***
    Found DHs BT and Me-decreased blood flow to uterus
    Recommended DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. Decided to cycle locally
    ***New RE***
    DE IVF# 1(cycle #6) w/pgd, (freeze all): 30R, 23M, 15F, slow/poor embryo development, 4 biopsied, 1 Normal "Norm"; DE IVF w/PGD, incorporate electro-acupuncture. 
    IVF# 6: (OE/DS) cancelled
    IVF# 7: (OE/DS) 1R, 1M, 1F, arrested day 5
    Plan-DE IVF# 2 (cycle #8): DE/DS in May 2015
    imageimage image 
  • Like some of the other ladies, I do not care to meet. We have files with pics and profiles on both of our donors. Other than that, it was a closed, anonymous process.

    DOR and AMA
    2/12-5/12: 4 IUI cycles = all BFN;
    7/12: DE IVF # 1 (with ICSI)- 20R, 16M, 14F, 5DT of 2 blasts; 6 frosties = BFN;
    Lupus anticoagulant initially high, then found to be normal on hematology consult;
    Follow up testing in September all clear;
    Started synthroid for "high normal" TSH;
    FET # 1- late October 2012- BFP on FRER; beta # 1- 21(low), beta # 2- 48 (still low), beta # 3- 132, beta # 4- 1,293; beta # 5- 5,606; last beta- over 100,000. First u/s 11/21- heard heartbeat
    12/12- Officially an OB patient!
    Level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks shows vasa previa and VCI
    Referral to MFM and mandatory c section for delivery
    Beautiful baby girl born at 34 weeks
    Finally home after 15 day NICU stay!
    Trying for sibling: FET # 2- May 2014; beta 5/31, BFN
    FET #3, early July 2014; beta 7/14, BFN
    DE IVF # 2- August 2014; 14R, 13M, 11F, 5dt of 2 blasts (3 AA), 5 frosties = BFN
    FET #4- December 2014, yet another BFN

    Dr. KK work up shows borderline uterine blood flow, elevated NK cells, and MTHFR mutation (homozygous for c677t)

    Added baby aspirin, prednisone, supplements, Metanx, and intralipids

    Switched to large clinic for final attempt; had endometrial receptivity testing in January; FET March 2015 = yet another BFN

    Likely OAD- NBC

  • The donors at our clinic are all anonymous so I would never have that chance if I wanted which I would have to be in that situation to even say what I would do.

    I did ask MH if the opportunity presented itself would he want to meet her. Surprisingly he said yes. Never would of thought!!

    Good luck and can't wait to hear all about the meeting!!

    ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
    Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive.  Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)

    DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN  DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!



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