What would you say to/ask your donor?

2MamazInSeattle

Hey all!
So, after S was born, I asked my clinic to contact our donor to see if she'd be willing to meet. I heard back this week and she said yes! She is willing to have a clinic-facilitated meeting, as a one-time thing, and no baby. She's about to get married and plans to try to have a baby and since she's not sure she'll get one (she's 34 now) she said it'd be too hard to meet one of her genetic offspring.

So now I'm kind of nervous and excited! To be honest, my goal is just to be able to tell Simone as much as I can about her. I didn't have a specific agenda, but now to avoid awkwardness I thought it'd be smart to have some things in mind to talk about or ask or share. I wondered - even for those of you who have no desire to meet your donor - but hypothetically, what would you want to get out if it? What would you ask/talk about or share?

We do plan to give her a sealed envelope with our contact info in case she would like to get in touch in the future and hope she will tell us her name so if Simone wants to find her at age 18, she can. But truthfully I hope she gets in touch sooner - esp. if she has a baby, which I have a hunch she might.

In any case...ideas, thoughts? I realize this is huge for her and want to be sensitive, and it's huge for us but I think in a different way. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and input!!

1220winterbride

Honestly, I have no idea! BUT you are so lucky! I would jump at the chance to meet her and give her my name.

 I rarely think about the egg donor as much as I did while we were choosing. Our egg bank gave us a very detailed report and some of the questions she answered like "why are you a donor?" & "where would live if you could live anywhere on Earth?" She gave very lengthy responses so, as you can see I felt fairly comfortable w/ a glimpse into her personality.

(But I will say that for a few minutes post transfer I felt so happy and thrilled at the possibility of a baby that I thought about her and I wanted to thank her & give her the biggest hug. it was kind of euphoric? hard to describe why I was thinking about her so much right then) anyway, I am so grateful to her and she has a son.

I would like to know more about her education.

datingbettyboop

First off – So cool that your donor wants to meet! What an amazing opportunity.

When we chose our donor she had noted in her profile that she would be open to meeting, but in my mind I was thinking maybe in the future, like years.  After reading a thread on another website that covered meeting or not meeting your donor, I started to think maybe we should try to meet her prior to the retrieval. She lives on the other side of the country & she was going to be on this side.  I went back & forth – do we, don’t we.  I was even fearful that she might change her mind if she met us.  I finally came to the conclusion (a week prior to the retrieval) that this was an amazing opportunity to meet the woman who might actually help us build our family.  Was I still nervous – OH YEAH! 

We met our donor & her mom at a Starbucks just a few days before the retrieval.  I kept thinking “keep it light”, which is what the thread had mentioned.  When she walked there was an awkward moment where we all just stood there & then a few seconds in she said “I don’t know whether to shake your hand or give you a hug”.  What an icebreaker!  I then said “If you don’t mind I’m going for the hug”.  I even gave her mom hug.  The next few minutes were spent buying them coffee & breakfast and then we finally sat down.  We started asking them how they were enjoying the city, what fun stuff had they done, even stuff about the great weather.   What I thought would be about an hour meeting turned into four and a half hours.  We asked her about her childhood & her mother talked about how she was as a baby & growing up.  We talked some medical stuff that wasn’t on the profile.  We talked about her love of travel.  We even talked about how this process had been for her.  The conversation just flowed after the initial 10 minutes.  We tried to let them lead the discussion and it went from there.

We took pictures throughout the meeting (we asked first if it would be ok) – pix with all four of us, pix with just the donor & the two of us.  Her mom even brought her camera & took a few.  Those pix are so very special to us.

When we met we only exchanged first names.  Since then we have been communicating through the agency.  Just a few weeks ago, we received an email from the agency saying that our donor had set up an email address where we could contact her directly.  So rather than exchange full on contact information, this is how we are staying in touch.  That might be an option for you to look at.  Not as direct, but she might lose the envelope in a move, where an email address might stay in use longer.

Just remember she is probably just as nervous & excited as both of you are & she will have questions for you too.  Bottom line is keep it light.  Prepare a few things in your head, but then let the conversation go from there.  I know she is not wanting to meet the baby, but maybe after you all have talked a while, and if you feel it’s right, ask her if she wants to see a picture.

Enjoy & cherish the meeting.  So cool!!!!

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RunCC37

That's so wonderful that you will get this opportunity!! Our agreement is closed, so unfortunately, we will not get to meet our donor. I wish we could though! I have no advice, but I think DBB said it right: keep it light and let the conversation flow naturally. I can't wait to hear how it goes!

2MamazInSeattle

Thank you all for your replies, esp. @datingbettyboop‌ - super helpful. I don't know when it'll be yet but I will absolutely keep you all posted and provide an update!

Mrs.McIrish

I honestly don't know how to answer this. I don't want to meet our donor. She's young--prob 22 now but I think I'm the same age (if not a year older) than her mom!! I think it would be awkward to meet because of it. I'm grateful to her but I don't see us having a lot in common /much to talk about. That said, I am in contact with another recipient of her eggs (she's having the baby on Monday) so I do think about meeting her/having our kids meet someday since they are half-bio siblings (born 6 weeks apart).

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Km672

I have to agree with @Mrs.McIrish and @JimBobCooter‌. I don't want anymore contact or info about our donors.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful, because I'm absolutely not ungrateful.

Don't get me wrong, if I am ever (God freaking willing!!!!) lucky enough to have a child from these dual donor created embryos, I know the donor part does not just go away, but I just don't think about them.

I thought a lot of our donors while we were selecting them, during the cycle itself and for a few days after her retrieval (I was concerned about if she was having an ok recovery), but now not so much, if ever to be completely honest.

We selected both donors who would be willing to have contact with the child at some point, just in case that was what our child would want. We have agreed that if that was what our child wanted, we would support them and guide them through that process, but I feel that I know enough. I'm not at all curious about them.

If this should ever work, I've tried to remember that our child will likely have qualities from 4 of us; genetic qualities from the egg and sperm donor and learned behaviors and interests from my husband and myself.

I also would feel very awkward if I were to meet either donor. I'm pretty young to use DE (only 33, have been trying with DE for over a year) and the donors aren't that much younger than I am. I just don't see anything that would benefit from meeting either of them.

All of that being said, this is obviously important to you and J. Also, from reading some of the responses above, a lot of people are curious about their donors. This is one of those things that is very individual and you need to do what is most comfortable for you and your family. I hope you have an amazing meeting and it gives you lots to share with Simone!!

mm29

I met my donor! Long story, but she had to do IVF for MFI to conceive herself. Who knew she used to post on these boards? She, like many others moved to fb. I knew something’s about her, like she was donating her eggs to help pay for her upcoming FET.

She emailed OOP meds and mentioned she was donating her eggs, but after she was doing and FET. I knew she was my donor. I felt it in my heart. Anyway after a few exchanged emails. I learned that we live near each other, and I confessed that I thought she was my donor. I was right. We told the clinic we "knew" who each other were. They freaked out a little.

It's different for me, because my cycle did not end with a BFP. But I do gtg with my donor from time to time for coffee, lunch, etc. At first we talked about our IF stories, and now we just talk like friends, about our lives etc. I am happy I know my donor. It was difficult for me to hold it in that I likely knew who she was. It felt dishonest and I am not a dishonest person. I was very concerned that maybe she didn't want to "know" those who she donated her eggs to and very happy it wasn't weird and now we have a great friendship.   

I hope meeting her will go well.  I suspect it will!!  Please let us know how it goes.  Good Luck!! 

chicagobride_07

Like some of the other ladies, I do not care to meet. We have files with pics and profiles on both of our donors. Other than that, it was a closed, anonymous process.

BeckyP005

The donors at our clinic are all anonymous so I would never have that chance if I wanted which I would have to be in that situation to even say what I would do.

I did ask MH if the opportunity presented itself would he want to meet her. Surprisingly he said yes. Never would of thought!!

Good luck and can't wait to hear all about the meeting!!