NWMR- ideas for dealing with MIL

jenn43

I'm having kind of a tough situation with my MIL, and I'm wondering if anyone has ideas for how to deal.  She calls me on very frequently, and it can be disruptive.  E.g. Friday she called my office, found out I was in the operating room (I'm a surgeon), then called my cell, which the OR circulating nurse answered for me.  She said it wasn't important either time, and just to call her back.  Honestly I didn't bother to call her back, because I was kind of pissed she called me repeatedly at work over nothing important.  So she proceeded to call me two more times that day, then text me to call her.  I later found out from my husband that she wanted to ask me a question about a freckle or something that her 35 yo son had.  So obviously not urgent at all.  I've tried not answering her calls, but she will literally call back four times in a row, and it's never anything important!  I can't turn my phone off because work may call me at all hours.  DH has tried talking to her, but she always says she will try to do better, then goes back to her old ways.  Finally out of frustration I blocked her number.  I feel like that's kind of mean, but I just don't know what else to do.  I'm sure at some point she will ask me why I'm not answering her calls (or better yet, ask my FIL to call me- which is another of her favorite tricks when I don't answer her calls), and I really don't know what to tell her.

Any ideas?

VOR

Maybe it's time to be honest. "I blocked your number. due to my job, I have to leave my phone on. I can't continue to receive mulitple calls from you. We've discussed with you before and as you didn't listen, I blocked your number. And I will block FILs number if necessary". Seriously. She's an adult. She can handle the truth.

jenn43

I normally do send her calls right to voicemail if I don't have time to talk. One time when I did that she called twice more right away; she wanted to know if we were buying a new freezer. Another time DH and I went to a movie- he had six missed calls from her when he turned his phone back on; it was nothing urgent. And since I have to leave my phone on, I have to hear it ring every time she calls.

kikimeemee

The woman has never had a career, has she? I feel like I see this behavior from people who don't understand what it's like to truly work and be unavailable. They don't even know to respect that you can't drop everything for a non emergency call.

Wow, this MIL seriously doesn't have a clue. I think you and hubby should continue to reiterate that calls may often not be returned for HOURS due to the nature of your work. And that missed calls are visible on cells so no need for repeat calls. Leave a VM and you'll get to it when you can. I think with her it's going to be repeat conversations until it gets in her head or telling her that she cannot call you while you're at work anymore as it's too disruptive bc you need to fully focus on your work tasks at hand

jenn43

kikimeemee said:

The woman has never had a career, has she? I feel like I see this behavior from people who don't understand what it's like to truly work and be unavailable. They don't even know to respect that you can't drop everything for a non emergency call. Wow, this MIL seriously doesn't have a clue. I think you and hubby should continue to reiterate that calls may often not be returned for HOURS due to the nature of your work. And that missed calls are visible on cells so no need for repeat calls. Leave a VM and you'll get to it when you can. I think with her it's going to be repeat conversations until it gets in her head or telling her that she cannot call you while you're at work anymore as it's too disruptive bc you need to fully focus on your work tasks at hand

You hit the nail on the head!

*Update* - MIL called my office this morning as soon as we were open.  I called her back- she wanted to talk about my BIL's skin (which is what she called so many times Friday for).  I calmly told her that it was not an emergency, and that calling me at work and in the OR for nonemergent things is totally inappropriate.  And she denied that she knew I was in the OR Friday!  I told her that I knew she had spoken with my office, and they told her I was in surgery.  Then I told her I couldn't talk to her during the work day, and then hung up (after saying goodbye).  I'm sure DH will be hearing about it later...

mlee116

I agree with PPs that I would just be honest with her and tell her that she doesn't need to call you while at work unless it is a life or death emergency or you will have to block her.

My MIL has done this in the past and we've just had to tell her that we can not talk to her while we're at work and she can either leave a message or call us in the evenings.  We've also had to tell her to limit the phone calls because she was calling us several times within a short time period over ridiculously dumb stuff.  She also doesn't work so she just didn't really 'get' it.  

I eventually got the point where I just didn't answer her calls during the day and would ask DH to call her back in the evening.  She seemed to get the message because she rarely calls during the day now.

chloebeth930

I would get 2 cell phones.  One that is personal and one that is for work.  Only give out your personal number to family/friends (including your MIL).  That way you can turn off the phone when you need to be unavailable. 

Tell your office that you are no longer accepting calls from your MIL.

 

Beevol

VOR said:

Maybe it's time to be honest. "I blocked your number. due to my job, I have to leave my phone on. I can't continue to receive mulitple calls from you. We've discussed with you before and as you didn't listen, I blocked your number. And I will block FILs number if necessary". Seriously. She's an adult. She can handle the truth.

This times a million. Set a clear boundary in no uncertain terms and stick to it. If she whines, go broken record on her - repeat and then end the conversation. 

SunAndRain

I agree too with boundaries and blocking her number, though I wouldn't block her number without first warning her that this will be the consequence of her continued actions.

And I personally find the calmly spoken broken record approach works wonders.  No yelling which causes people to stop "hearing" you. No negotiations. Shows empathy without giving in; "MIL, I understand that you are concerned about your son's skin.  As I recommended to you previously, have him see a dermatologist. "  Wash, rinse, repeat. Eventually she'll get this idea that you are unwilling to help and she'll look elsewhere.

Mustardseed2007

jenn43 said:

kikimeemee said:

The woman has never had a career, has she? I feel like I see this behavior from people who don't understand what it's like to truly work and be unavailable. They don't even know to respect that you can't drop everything for a non emergency call. Wow, this MIL seriously doesn't have a clue. I think you and hubby should continue to reiterate that calls may often not be returned for HOURS due to the nature of your work. And that missed calls are visible on cells so no need for repeat calls. Leave a VM and you'll get to it when you can. I think with her it's going to be repeat conversations until it gets in her head or telling her that she cannot call you while you're at work anymore as it's too disruptive bc you need to fully focus on your work tasks at hand

You hit the nail on the head!

*Update* - MIL called my office this morning as soon as we were open.  I called her back- she wanted to talk about my BIL's skin (which is what she called so many times Friday for).  I calmly told her that it was not an emergency, and that calling me at work and in the OR for nonemergent things is totally inappropriate.  And she denied that she knew I was in the OR Friday!  I told her that I knew she had spoken with my office, and they told her I was in surgery.  Then I told her I couldn't talk to her during the work day, and then hung up (after saying goodbye).  I'm sure DH will be hearing about it later...

You did 100% the right thing. Do you have an email where she can email you about stupid things like that? Maybe that would make her feel better.

If he hears about it I hope he can simply back you up. You were in SURGERY!

I agree with blocking her, but you may also want to look into getting a work cell phone and a different personal phone. I had that going for a while and it was helpful in keeping work and personal separate, I just got tired of paying two bills and carrying around 2 phones. Plus my work phone was an Iphone and my personal phone was a really old flip phone....

MommaP12

VOR said:

Maybe it's time to be honest. "I blocked your number. due to my job, I have to leave my phone on. I can't continue to receive mulitple calls from you. We've discussed with you before and as you didn't listen, I blocked your number. And I will block FILs number if necessary". Seriously. She's an adult. She can handle the truth.

I tend to lean toward this and given her history of not listening, may even add "if you can't abide be these rules, I'm going to change my number so you cannot reach me at all."  This is so ridiculous!

NADA-H

jeez, my maternal side step grandma would do that, she normally calls for chit chat which could go on for hours and she'd have nothing important to say beside gossip and nagging, she'd call the international number we have at home (she's in a different country), and when no one picks up she'd call the landline number, if that fails too she goes for my mom's cell and if she doesn't pick up what she's done lately is that she'd call my paternal side aunt's cell and tell her that she's trying to reach my mom but no one is answering and she is worried sick and she'd make it sound like someone is dying sort of to embarrass my mom so that whenever she calls her phone again she'd pick up directly. Gah eventually that slowed down now that she has to pay for those calls herself.

That is not nearly as nerves wrecking to me as having someone call my cellphone knowing I'm in surgery for something that isn't important WTF! I have no suggestions beside the other PPs suggestions but good God do I feel for you!

2chatter

I would tell your office to just tell her you are in surgery and cannot be disturbed categorically.  It doesn't matter where you really are.  Depending on your phone, you can set the ring per person - I would make MIL's silent.  If your phone doesn't do that, I would upgrade your phone before getting two phones.