In a funk tonight...

CreechMommy

And when I'm in a funk and feel super emotional, I write.  That's how I work through my funk.  I thought I would share my *slightly emo* writing/ramblings of the night. 

For those of you that want to read, here it is: 

It’s always there.  I’ve ignored it, denied it, and tried to talk it away.  But it stays there.  Above my head.  It whispers things to me when I am alone.  Just when I think it has left, it comes back around and starts talking again.  The only time I can escape it is in my dreams.  My dreams are still untouched.  In my dreams, I will occasionally catch a glimpse of myself holding a precious baby.  It’s my happy place.  That sweet baby hair against my face.  The sweet coos are music to my ears.  Looking down at that baby I see hope and I see peace.  Then I awake and that thing is still there.  The fear of infertility. 

The hardest part is being stuck in limbo.  We’ve “only lost one” so there’s no need to talk about infertility just yet.  However there are have been “complications.”  It wasn’t a “normal” miscarriage and we haven’t had a “normal” 4 months since the miscarriage.  Words have been thrown around: “endometriosis” “cyst” “surgery” “wait and see” “shouldn’t reduce fertility” “may impact fertility” “ovulation” “temping” “trying” “Ovulation Predictor Kit” “Luteal Phase”  I know more about my body now than I ever wanted to know.  Everyday when I wake up, I don’t think “oh it’s Friday the 26^th” instead, I think “It’s CD 26 and I’m 9 DPO.  Gotta take my temp before I get up to pee.”  This is my life now.  A life of waiting – two weeks at a time.  Two weeks from positive pregnancy test till first Dr’s visit.  Two weeks from first Dr. visit to first ultrasound.  Two weeks from first ultrasound to miscarriage diagnosis.  Two weeks from miscarriage diagnosis to completed miscarriage.  Two weeks until first period.  Two weeks until ovulation.  Two weeks until testing.  And over and over again. 

Meanwhile the world keeps turning and people everywhere are getting pregnant, hearing the beautiful sound of their baby’s heartbeat, finding out the gender of their bundle of joy, and sharing bump pictures with the world.  There’s this narrow road between joy for others and grief for self.  I try to stay on the road, but sometimes I step off the path and into the crippling guilt that is on the side of the road. 

Others try to encourage – either by being overly concerned and asking way too many personal questions or by trying to be sensitive and never bring up anything baby related around you.  One thing is for sure – everyone walks on eggshells around you.  

So I withdraw and hide and try to convince myself that it’s all a dream and I will wake up big and pregnant (like I should be).  But I come to my senses and realize my reality.  There is no baby.  The baby is gone.  And then that beast comes back.  “What if you can’t get pregnant?”  “Who knows how long you will have to wait – maybe forever.”  So I shed a few tears, tell myself “just get through today,” and I pull on my mask of “I’m okay” and I face the world as best as I can.  

Thanks to anyone who read that whole thing - love you lovely ladies

meredithcarole

This is a beautifully written piece. We all know the fear, the envy, the seemingly endless two week cycle. We all know that bittersweet moment of hesitation before we can say "congratulations" to someone who deserves it. We know the isolation and sadness that can creep up behind you and hold you fast when you were least expecting it.

I am sorry you are struggling right now. I hope that you found some peace in your writing (I do that, too). So many ((hugs)).

stinybean

Aw Creech! I just want to run over to wherever you are and give you looking giant bear hug.

I agree with @meredithcarole‌ this was written beautifully and expresses so much of what many of us feel.

I was definitely feeling this way during the summer. I felt like my life revolved around dr appointment and getting blood drawn while all the time wondering if it was worth it. I took a month of in August and it really helped me get back to myself. I'm still feeling somewhat out of sorts, but I'm able to not think about ttc at every moment. Don't get me wrong I think about it a lot but too a lesser extreme.

Do you think that would help you? I hope that whatever you need to do to get out of your funk that we can support you through it. Many more ((((((HUGS))))))

purplehaze11

I was in a funk yesterday too I feel for you. I think sometimes the waiting is the worst.

uromys

Beautifully written Creech! It's completely on point to the self battle many of us face on a daily basis. I had been writing since our discovery of this past pregnancy, and not until a month post d&e did I even share my writings with MH. It felt good to share. So I started a small blog and decided to share it with the world. Whoever out their who cared to listen and honestly that gave me a sense of closure.

Thank you for sharing your piece with us! Giant squeeze!!!

rslh10

Big ((hugs)) lady

mflowers929

Oh Creech *big huge squishy hugs*

Days like yesterday is what makes me glad that we all have each other to turn to, if only to battle back our demons for a little bit. So many different stories, but yet we all have that same hole inside.

Elliecat17

Oh this was beautifully written! I totally just shed a tear over here because it's how I feel, especially that 2 weeks at a time thing. In some ways it's even taken the fun out of doing the deed. Big huge ((HUGS)) Lady. Hope you are feeling better today.

CreechMommy

Thanks for all your hugs ladies @mflowers929 Yea I like the little escapes that this group provides.  It's a welcome distraction.  

@meredithcarole @stinybean @HMR11913 @LauraO11 @uromys @Amybunny30 @Greeneyes842 @rslh10 @CFearsy @Elliecat17 You ladies are awesome!!!  Thanks for your support.  

I :x you all

beemaya83

I love it!!! How did you get in my head??? @CreechMommy‌

stephy1221

Beautifully writte, big hugs.

mrspipp

This is beautifully written and definitely speaks to me, especially living in 2 week windows. Big ((hugs))

BookishMomma

Must have been something in the air last night. I was feeling "off," too. I was at a wedding where many of our friends attending were KU. I dealt with my complicated emotions by getting drunk & acting obnoxious. #healthy

CreechMommy

@BookishMomma‌ I have a wedding this weekend and if/when I get my BFN or AF this week I will be coping by drinking way too much. Open bar in New Orleans - what other choice do I have?

jjbmstinco

((hugs)) I wish you didn't have to go through all this!

RNMoMmy17

You are not alone sister. Very well said. I'm sorry you've been in such a funk, they are hard to get out of once you are in. I hope writing it all down/typing it helps!

forevermyfenix

((big hugs)) ! I dont really have anything to add to what pp have said, but know you're in my thoughts. I too write when I get in one of those funks. I use Penzu for those writings

jms627

@creechmommy- That was really beautifully articulated.  Wishing you lots of hugs and comfort right now.

lovemybellag

Beautifully written. I struggle with tears and emotions and what ifs every day. Not a day goes by when I don't worry that I won't get pregnant or long for what could have been. I have close family pregnant right now and it's hard. I feel bad for feeling thus way and am happy for them but wish I was pregnant too. Thoughts and hugs for you. Please know you are not alone. I struggle every day.

CreechMommy

I love the support here. I hate that we all get what this is like but it's so beautiful to come here and be able to share our hard times and our good times. Love you all so much and I send major hugs back to all of you. Y'all are some of the most solid strong women I've ever "met". AW over.

scrang74

Very well written and I definitely feel the 2 weeks at a time living as well. The pain of my MC hits me at the strangest times and then just ruins my day or week. Big hugs to you and hope you have some fun in New Orleans!

mkfish31

You have articulated what I've been feeling since my first miscarriage. It is so true. Months are no longer months to us... Just a two weeks til AF or two weeks until ovulation. In our moments it seems like time is going by slow but looking back, so many months have flown by. My favorite time of the year is coming up and I truly hope and pray I will enjoy it as I have always done in the past. I know, though, that I will never be the same girl I was before all this happened. Hugs to you , @CreechMommy‌

blovemama

Oh, this breaks my heart. I feel for you, that frustration of not being able to do anything and trying everything. It's so hard to be happy for people who seem to get (and stay) pregnant so easily. I got a knot in my throat reading this. Even when you feel alone, you're not. 

lyndz333

I feel for you. I do the same thing, write. It's very cathartic. Sorry you are in a funk right now.

CreechMommy

Thank you ladies for the support - it's so great to hear that this touched so many of you.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the world struggling, but I know there are so many more out there who feel the same way.  I've sometimes wondered when I'm out running errands or something "how many women have I walked past today that are in the same boat?"  Knowing how prevalent this really is - it makes me look at the world a little differently.  

@mkfish31  I think it is this time of year coming up that has put me in the funk.  My baby was due New Years Day.  As we approach that holiday, knowing I won't be going into labor, and knowing Christmas will just be another Christmas without a baby is making this season so much worse.  I hope I can go back to enjoying the holiday season again one day, but for now it's hard.  Even as a child, I always thought it would be so cool to have a New Years baby and I thought I had that.  

I've been thinking of planning a special remembrance ceremony or something with maybe some of our closest family and friends.  Maybe a balloon release?  I haven't thought it through yet. 

centralperk

I just wanted to say this was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. ((Hugs))