Wacky Adventures of the Pilgrimage to Parenthood, Introduction!

LittleMissDevon

I guess I should start with, HI! lol I am a newbee to the TTC world. My husband and I knew before we married that I couldn't carry pregnancies because of my health issues. gulp. double gulp! I think that when we started our first round of IVF, from my eggs and his soldiers, we were very naive in thinking it would be easy... our first round was cancelled less than 10 hours before the retrieval. I am still LIVID about this... but we couldnt make the Doctor go forward... So we gathered ourselves up and switched fertility clinics, THAnk GOD! I am now 2 days about from my first completed retrieval. Extremely nervous, I am so worried about the quality of my eggs, it will be cycle day 20!!!! Doctor said not to worry,  my body (again health problems) isn't working with a full engine! lol I hope thats true!? Anyone heard of a cycle lasting this long?  Our surrogate has been amazing and continues to be should a rock for us. We really lucked out. Anyway, we are full steam ahead, looking forward to having this behind us, I hope that we get some quality embryos...

Sidenote: If you are using a surrogate, what did you tell your family? friends?

My husband and I are the only people who know that we are doing this as of now. We are both 26, its strange to keep such a BIG secret, but I really dont want to let anyone down if it doesn't work out. The first cycle my parents were convinced we were divorcing! lol (couldnt have been farther from the truth!) I just dont want other people's pity and sadness on my shoulders, I can be excited and happy about this pregnancy if I dont feel like everyone is feeling sorry for me? I think I may feel like this because I am still very young, but I wondering if anyone has some advice? It just I am talked about wanting to be a mom and loving babies since before it was appropriate! lol I know people will feel sorry for me....

datingbettyboop

First off welcome aboard to this section of the wacky world third party reproduction.  Please take what I say with a grain of salt.  I hope it’s helpful to hear.  Guess I needed to get this out too so thanks for asking J

My husband & I are not only using a DE, but also a GC. 

I started preparing my parents last year and they both seemed supportive.  I told two good friends at that time about the process, so I would have some support – they were both excited for us.  My husband told his side of the family & again, all supportive.  Did they worry, of course, but I never felt that they were giving us “pity”.

We kept it pretty quiet during the first trimester except for family.  We started telling more of our close friends once we hit 14 weeks.  I sent an email to a bunch of my close friends (I live in a different city).  I explained that we were expecting, but with a twist.  As they are going to see me on Facebook, I figured why not tell them the whole truth – While someone else is carrying our child, I can still drink, eat sushi & etc.  Everyone was thrilled.  Two of my favorite comments were “well I’ve heard children can drive you to drink, so you must be in training” & “I hear all of the power couples are using surrogates these days”.

Once we passed into the 2^nd trimester, I told my boss & co-workers. (and no, I’m not that close my co-workers).  Again, they are all so excited & have asked some awesome questions about the process.

My concern is, if you feel you have to “hide” the information, how will that reflect on your child in the future?  And this is MY OPINION, so I hope this doesn’t offend. 

The third party fertility world that we are all a part of is so clinical & very isolating.  I think it’s important to keep that human aspect to it.  Share the information with just a few close friends or your mom.  You don’t have to tell them that you are in the middle of a cycle, but I think by sharing the information, it makes it more real and it’s nice to know someone has your back.

I guess I feel pretty strongly about this and I discovered these feelings when I found out that another co-worker of mine recently used a surrogate (I had heard about it through someone else in the office).  When they came back to work, I offered my congratulations & mentioned that we were also going through the same process.  This person got very quiet, put their head down and started to walk away quickly.  They also did the same thing with someone else in the office that they had been sharing information with prior to the birth.  This broke my heart.  If they are that uncomfortable with talking about it, how will they act around their child and what happens if the child finds out?  Will they then feel there is something wrong with how they came to be?  Wouldn’t they want their child to know how precious they really are & the great lengths they went to have them?

I understand that everyone comes to third party reproduction for different reasons & not everyone is going to shout it from the roof tops.  But I don’t think anyone should ever feel ashamed or that someone will pity them because of their route to parenthood. 

Don’t ever think you are letting people down.  If you want to be a mom then everyone should be thrilled for you!  No matter how you get your title. J

Mama-Bear

I'm a gestational carrier (getting ready to transfer with my 2nd couple).  Both couples have been upfront with people close to them.  My FIF's parents were there with us for the first u/s and I met FIM's sisters the same day just before the u/s.  My current IP's have told their family, IM's mom will actually be leaving the day we're getting in for the transfer and her brother is coming in that same day.  

Both of my IM's knew from the beginning that they couldn't even attempt to get pregnant as it would be very risky for them to do so, I think that helped their attitudes going into it (since they haven't had countless failed cycles and losses).  Have you spoken to other IP's that have BTDT?  Are you on any surrogacy forums (surromomsonline.com and allaboutsurrogacy.com)?  Good luck with your next cycle.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

lincoln79

***EAIF, Pregnancy mentioned***

Welcome!

We are using a gestational carrier too and are 34 weeks today.

It is not an easy question to answer. In our case, both of our families knew we were doing IVF and knew about our losses (in my own body). MH family was supportive during those difficult times, mine was not.

Once we switched to a gestational carrier, we decided to be up front with  MH family  because 1) they are not great with surprises 2) Telling them up front allowed them to process and ask any questions before we were expecting happiness and joy if the transfer was successful.

We didn't tell my family anything until the end of the first trimester. I couldn't handle the lack of support if we had had another loss. They still aren't supportive of this path, but I gave them a chance to be. It is their loss and we have plenty of joy and support from other places.

If this transfer is successful (and I'm hoping it is!), one thing I didn't think about is that you will have to end up explaining it to everyone and their brother how you are expecting a baby in 6 weeks and don't look pregnant. I'm talking Dollar General clerks (buying thank you notes for shower gifts), work colleagues and friends/family you only see occasionally (I thought your mom said you were expecting?). You will end up telling everyone anyway.

I suggest you and yh have a frank conversation about who would be supportive and when they should know. We announced on Facebook that we are expecting, but chose not to disclose we are using a gestational carrier out of privacy considerations. We practiced how we would tell our families, terms we would use, times we would correct certain things (how's the mother doing?) and other things we would let go (surrogate isn't really the correct term for our situation, but it is a term people have heard).

Sorry so long, but I hope this helps!

lincoln79

datingbettyboop said:

First off welcome aboard to this section of the wacky world third party reproduction.  Please take what I say with a grain of salt.  I hope it’s helpful to hear.  Guess I needed to get this out too so thanks for asking J

My husband & I are not only using a DE, but also a GC. 

I started preparing my parents last year and they both seemed supportive.  I told two good friends at that time about the process, so I would have some support – they were both excited for us.  My husband told his side of the family & again, all supportive.  Did they worry, of course, but I never felt that they were giving us “pity”.

We kept it pretty quiet during the first trimester except for family.  We started telling more of our close friends once we hit 14 weeks.  I sent an email to a bunch of my close friends (I live in a different city).  I explained that we were expecting, but with a twist.  As they are going to see me on Facebook, I figured why not tell them the whole truth – While someone else is carrying our child, I can still drink, eat sushi & etc.  Everyone was thrilled.  Two of my favorite comments were “well I’ve heard children can drive you to drink, so you must be in training” & “I hear all of the power couples are using surrogates these days”.

Once we passed into the 2^nd trimester, I told my boss & co-workers. (and no, I’m not that close my co-workers).  Again, they are all so excited & have asked some awesome questions about the process.

My concern is, if you feel you have to “hide” the information, how will that reflect on your child in the future?  And this is MY OPINION, so I hope this doesn’t offend. 

The third party fertility world that we are all a part of is so clinical & very isolating.  I think it’s important to keep that human aspect to it.  Share the information with just a few close friends or your mom.  You don’t have to tell them that you are in the middle of a cycle, but I think by sharing the information, it makes it more real and it’s nice to know someone has your back.

I guess I feel pretty strongly about this and I discovered these feelings when I found out that another co-worker of mine recently used a surrogate (I had heard about it through someone else in the office).  When they came back to work, I offered my congratulations & mentioned that we were also going through the same process.  This person got very quiet, put their head down and started to walk away quickly.  They also did the same thing with someone else in the office that they had been sharing information with prior to the birth.  This broke my heart.  If they are that uncomfortable with talking about it, how will they act around their child and what happens if the child finds out?  Will they then feel there is something wrong with how they came to be?  Wouldn’t they want their child to know how precious they really are & the great lengths they went to have them?

I understand that everyone comes to third party reproduction for different reasons & not everyone is going to shout it from the roof tops.  But I don’t think anyone should ever feel ashamed or that someone will pity them because of their route to parenthood. 

Don’t ever think you are letting people down.  If you want to be a mom then everyone should be thrilled for you!  No matter how you get your title. J

Thanks for sharing! We haven't really taken any pics during this process (not a big picture person), but I KNOW I want a pic at the hospital with our GC, her husband and daughters, and the three of us after the baby is born. I am hoping to put this in our child's baby book so we can share that part of their story when the time comes.

What better example of sacrifice and giving could I use to teach our child those qualities?  : )

LittleMissDevon

Thank you for all the support, as we get closer to transfer my husband and I are talking more about opening the subject up. We do feel we will wait till we are past the first trimester and then tell our parents... It is just going to be such an amazing surprise.. (assuming everything goes well) We just want them not to have to worry. I am just getting used to the fact that we are going to have to explain this 10000XX times and of course, I wish I was carrying... so right now, its still painful. With that said, we someone places a baby in my arms and says your mommy... I dont think I will ever look back... I guess we will prepare for the transfer in a few weeks, fingers crossed... willing it into fruition! lol

So ya, the premise was not to tell people and have it be a giant exciting, GUESS WHAT? lol we are going to have a baby in a few weeks!!!. Maybe that way people wouldn't ask to many questions and it would be obvious, in a fun way? lol but with all our advice, I think I am being very naive... and I am just going to have to start talking through it! lol Thank you... really I have been researching what is appropriate and was isnt in gestational carrier situations... and guess what.... there really isnt anything! So thank you to those who responded! it means alot

lincoln79

Until you are ready share (and grieving the loss of carrying is definitely a process) we are here for support!