I'm sorry what?!

kreardon11

After my DH telling me for 6 months he's coping fine with the loss, were cleared to TTC (+O yesterday) and now he's nervous. Now he's scared. Now he doesn't know what emotions he's feeling. I asked him months ago to come to therepy with me. I feel like he's six months behind me coping wise and I'm just devastated and I'm feeling that nasty empty feeling like when I moscarried. Now I have to go to work and smile all day. Is it Friday yet?

Km380

@kreardon11‌ ((( hugs))) He may have thought he was ready but when it came time realized he wasn't. If you take another cycle or a few to get on the same page it's not a big deal (I know it feels like one right now). Men cope and grieve differently. Mh wouldn't come to therapy either and there are times I think I'm coping better than he is. Talk it out and support each other

Km380

Eta - thought this was today's TP thread , sorry X_X

kreardon11

Km380 - Haha I realized that after I posted with that title and changed it to not confused ppl woops! :ar!

stinybean

I agree with PP. Reality probably just hit YH. He didn't have to deal with trying for the last 6 months so he didn't think about it. Remember guy's brains don't work the same way as ours. I know this is super frustrating for you but you really both should be ready before you start up again. So don't force him into this if he's not ready yet. ((HUGS))

kreardon11

I know it. I just got so angry...and I knew this was going to happen. I talked with my therapist about it as well as something that could happen, so I'm not surprised whatsoever. I just kept thinking "Really? I'm so one who did weekly blood work, and went to therapy alone, and got my body heathier....while you....what played videos games and said you were fine?" I want us to both be ready and I know that's best....I guess knowing those things going into a situation can only help so much

I'm so glad I have you ladies in this group xx

Km380

kreardon11 said:

I know it. I just got so angry...and I knew this was going to happen. I talked with my therapist about it as well as something that could happen, so I'm not surprised whatsoever. I just kept thinking "Really? I'm so one who did weekly blood work, and went to therapy alone, and got my body heathier....while you....what played videos games and said you were fine?" I want us to both be ready and I know that's best....I guess knowing those things going into a situation can only help so much

I'm so glad I have you ladies in this group xx

Yes you went through the physical stuff as well as the emotional. But he watched you go through it and probably feels helpless because there is nothing he could have done to help. Plus he watched you hurting. Obviously I don't know YH, but those are things mh has said to me that he struggles with. If it happens again, he would have to sit by helpless, again. He lost something too and his bf is hurting.
I know it's easy to forget these things in the moment. Sometimes a friendly reminder can help.
I hope you both can talk and be on the same page. And maybe he wants to try but doesn't want to know if it's O time. It's a lot of pressure.
I hope some of that is helpful

kreardon11

Thanks ladies - you've really helped me not weep at my desk all morning.

@ashtog and @km380, I agree with your points. Thanks for helping me put it into perspective. 

I'm hoping we can talk about it more tonight. I just didn't expect all these crazy emotions all at once with him. 

ellebelle2384

I also agree with PP.  I think it probably just really hit him right now.  I hope you can have a good talk about it and get on the same page.  (hugs)

beemaya83

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just be patient, even though it is hard. I have a feeling he will come around.

LizBlue

Other posters have covered a lot of what I would say, but I just want to add a reminder that grief is not linear.  You make is sound like you have finished your grieving in six quick months and your husband is only starting this linear timeline now.  Your husband has also been grieving - maybe by avoiding.  You have been grieving - but have been more active in your coping mechanisms.  What if you start going through another stage of grieving at some point - it's possible.  Grief takes many forms and can come up at any time.  You and your H owe it to each other to keep the lines of communication open and be able to grieve and process even if it's not at the same time.

Also, starting TTC again is definitely a trigger for some - it probably causes some amount of anxiety to be trying again.  Stay patient and open and encourage (insist?) that your H does too.  Good luck.

meredithcarole

Like what @km380 said, MH has expressed to me how hard it was for him to witness the whole process and how helpless he felt. He says he has days where he is terrified that will happen again. Can you extend the invitation (again) to attend a therapy session with you?

kreardon11

LizBlue - Thanks for that reminder. I myself still have points of grief and by no means am I done, and I will never be over the loss, but I've learned some incredible coping skills (after hitting the absolutely rock bottom) that have helped me to overcome a lot of fear and anxiety that I wish I could transfer or articulate clearly to him. It was just incredibly shocking, given his personality/temperament/extroverted nature to just now articulate how he's feeling. 

I think you're 100% right about avoiding, btw.

I guess I should be thankful that he's starting to open up now. 

Thanks, @LizBlue  

jjbmstinco

((hugs)) I know its hard.