Thanksgiving

kstirton

I'm so confused about what to do Will try and make this as short as possible!

DH's parents are coming in town from Texas the week of Thanksgiving, I am due the 16th. DH and I usually host every holiday and have house guests at that time too - we just have the most feasible house/room/etc. I think we got the point across that we weren't going to be open for house guests - but DH's mom called last night to say that his sister was planning on hosting Thanksgiving at her boyfriends house, an hour away, and that way we can just bring the baby over there and let everyone "ohh and ahh" over her and when/if I'm tired I can go lay down upstairs, or we can leave, or whatever but it will basically be a family day. That STILL doesn't sound comfortable to me. I don't know if I'm going to want to deal with the pressure of everyone wanting to hold her (he has a really large family) and being an hour away from home, not to mention if she's late she could be born the WEEK of thankgiving, so she'd be days old. I feel bad b/c DH never get's to see his parents.. but I was more under the impression that people would come to us.

What do I do?? At this point is it easier just to pick up the phone and call my mother in law? we have somewhat of an interesting relationship as it is ...

**I should also mention that last night DH left is as, "and I don't know mom if we'll be able to make it to Thanksgiving, if all depends on when she decides to come, and all of the elements that are still up in the air, we just don't know" So - maybe the planner in me should just tone it down a notch and play it by ear, and trust my husband to be in my corner when the time comes if the plans don't work out exactly how his mother foresees them happening.

missnacholover

Honestly, I'd just go with something along the lines of "We'll have to play it by ear and see what's going on closer to the holiday."  I probably wouldn't commit to anything just yet. 

missnacholover

kstirton said:

I'm so confused about what to do Will try and make this as short as possible!

DH's parents are coming in town from Texas the week of Thanksgiving, I am due the 16th. DH and I usually host every holiday and have house guests at that time too - we just have the most feasible house/room/etc. I think we got the point across that we weren't going to be open for house guests - but DH's mom called last night to say that his sister was planning on hosting Thanksgiving at her boyfriends house, an hour away, and that way we can just bring the baby over there and let everyone "ohh and ahh" over her and when/if I'm tired I can go lay down upstairs, or we can leave, or whatever but it will basically be a family day. That STILL doesn't sound comfortable to me. I don't know if I'm going to want to deal with the pressure of everyone wanting to hold her (he has a really large family) and being an hour away from home, not to mention if she's late she could be born the WEEK of thankgiving, so she'd be days old. I feel bad b/c DH never get's to see his parents.. but I was more under the impression that people would come to us.

What do I do?? At this point is it easier just to pick up the phone and call my mother in law? we have somewhat of an interesting relationship as it is ...

**I should also mention that last night DH left is as, "and I don't know mom if we'll be able to make it to Thanksgiving, if all depends on when she decides to come, and all of the elements that are still up in the air, we just don't know" So - maybe the planner in me should just tone it down a notch and play it by ear, and trust my husband to be in my corner when the time comes if the plans don't work out exactly how his mother foresees them happening.

Good job to your DH!    I mean, I feel like this year, folks need to be flexible!!!

Celticlass6

What @missnacholover‌ said. I'm due the 23rd. We usually do both sides on thanksgiving, but they're both more than an hour away. I'm making no plans unless my parents or his want to come and cook at our place.

As for tiny baby in a large family gathering days after birth? Not happening.

howin23

I just got off the phone talking to my parents about Thanksgiving and it's definitely tough. I'd suggest trying to keep your options open and promises to a minimum.

It's fair to just say that you want to play it by ear but that you don't anticipate being comfortable a) putting your newborn in the car for two hours within a week or so of birth, b) exposing the baby to so many germs that early, or c) resting in someone else's home without all your supplies.

I'd make sure you don't get tied down to going because it might get to that point and it might just be too stressful and too hard on the baby. If you're honest and start out with "we'd love to see you but really won't know until the time comes," then you should be able to figure things out as you go.

If you aren't able (or wanting) to drive there, could they just come visit the baby for a few hours the next day or that weekend?

wildflower75

That's a tough one especially since you don't know when Brynlee will be born.

In the case of not wanting people to hold her you can always baby wear and tell people she needs to sleep or nurse. Or keep her in a swing so everyone can view her put not necessarily pick her up and hold her.

What does your husband say about this situation? Can he go alone and just stay for a short time?

kstirton

we've briefly discussed all of the above, I do think the best way to approach it is how we did and just say we don't know what we'll be up to when the time comes, or how old she will be. I know Jace will not want to get baby off schedule or stress me out either way, so he will be flexible. Also I think priorities will change once she's here. Right now it seems really important that he see's his family over thanksgiving but when she's here that may be a whole other story!! And yes, I was thinking everyone would just come in intervals that week to see her. So, we shall see! Thanks for all the great input/suggestions.

mamatohne

I say play it by ear. You may be dying to be around people by then If she comes early.

manders9479

I think it is perfectly reasonable to play it by ear or just say no if that's what you ultimately want.  I would feel like it is all a little much that close to the due date.

cindyNmark2010

I'm with you on the "planner in me" situation, I live and die by my calendar.  I've resigned myself to playing it by ear for the time being though.  I'm due the 17th, we usually travel 2 hrs each way to MIL's for brunch/lunch with her and SIL and then dinner at my parent's who live 10 minutes from us.  MIL's is just her, SIL and her hubs/2 kids.  My side is huge.....we end up with 30+ people for diner.  I just can't see us in the car for 4 hours for turkey day or Christmas this year.  Sorry MIL, you're tough out of luck, not subjecting my kids to torturous travel on the holidays anymore.  And my family would understand if we didn't show for Thanksgiving if LO was born the week before.

I'd go by how comfortable you honestly are, if it were only an hour I'd probably pack up LO and go.....napping while others are taking care of LO, yeah I'd probably take advantage of that a little.  If you really aren't comfortable though, maybe see if they'd come visit the next day or over the weekend so that you don't end up with a house full of unwanted guests??

joshua+rebecca11

I'm with the "play it by ear" peoples. We are in a similar situation... DH's aunt and uncle, who he see maybe once a year, are in town for Thanksgiving, and we are the ones with the best house for all the partying. But we have told everyone that we have no plans for Thanksgiving and will just see what happens.
It is really very rude and inconsiderate of anyone to expect anything of you guys. I would hope that they understand the health of you and baby are most important. If our our LO is born early enough, and we go to a Thanksgiving gathering anywhere - I guarantee that there will be VERY limited holding. Babies do not have a strong enough immune system go be passed around at that age, ESPECIALLY in the winter when the kids will be carrying school germs and everyone's immune system is being attacked by all the winter colds. Good luck!

mslynn2012

Play it be ear for sure. DD is due 11/23 - doc scheduled a CS for Thanksgiving (in trying for a VBAC but just in case, he wants it on the books).

FX she comes early, but even then I'm still "playing Christmas by ear"! I'm not one to be tied to plans when it comes to newborns.

venussapphire

I have flat out told everyone that I am not committing to anything the month after the baby comes. As for christmas we are just having a small dinner at our house with just my family. Which is what I would prefer anyways

alysonmh

We've told family we are just playing it by ear and can't commit to any plans. Even though we know this is disappointing to my husbands parent's, it's the right decision for us as a family this year. There will be plenty more thanksgivings to come so I don't think it's worth stressing about it just this one time.

snarkylibrarian

I'm due on Thanksgiving (though both of our moms had early babies and are convinced we'll be early) and we are totally playing it by ear. We told both of our families that if the baby is here by then and we feel up to it, they can bring over some leftovers from dinner to our place, but not to expect a long visit. If baby is not here, I am not going to take a car ride to my parents house, because it's too far from the hospital (over an hour), so in-laws offered to host my parents at their place, which is only about 15 minutes away from where we plan to deliver.

If you have a strained/stressful relationship with your in-laws, I'd let DH handle communication with them and don't worry about what they think. He can do the damage control.

bunnyray

I had my first baby a few days before Christmas. We decided to just kind of skip the holiday that year as I had been in hospital for 2 weeks leading up to his birth and didn't have anything prepared anyway. The best decision ever! Looking back there is no way I could have hosted Christmas at my house as I was exhausted and revovering from a section. And I couldn't have coped driving to my inlaws 2 hours away and not having any of my baby gear and learning to bf and lack of sleep. So my personal suggestion is to keep it to a quiet simple dinner with just yourselves and LO.

jess123456

I would also say that you will play it by ear. We are skipping out on Thanksgiving festivities this year and just doing something small the three of us even though I'm due early November. We will have family visiting before and after then. As for Christmas, my husband's family is coming and I am hosting (low key and only four adults and the baby) though they are staying at a hotel (my husband's idea which I'm awesome with).

ccam

It sounds like your DH pretty much handled it and I would leave that whole conversation in his court.  Voice to him that even if she is born on time, you don't know if you'll be up to traveling and passing around a newborn.  He can tell his mother that.  If they really want to see you, maybe your ILs can come by after dinner and bring you guys food or something.  You can't really worry about it - you have enough on your plate. 

nicnac817

See how you feel that day.  Remember,  you will have just had a baby, or will be waiting for her to come.  The world revolves around her and you this Thanksgiving.  Don't stress. 

hiketheworld

We are waiting to see how things go for thanksgiving this year. This is probably my own FTM insecurity, but I'm less worried about recovery and germs than I am about being judged by the inlaw family on how I am doing as a mother! I feel like if LO is crying and I can't get him to stop within 5 seconds I will have a crush of well-meaning women all over me trying to tell me what to do or taking the baby from me. Not sure I will be able to handle that with grace when I will be exhausted. I'd rather figure this parenthood thing out in the privacy of my home rather than in front of my inlaws and extended inlaw family.

MissN06

I love the play it by ear. I'm do the 11 and right now our tentative plan is to host dinner for DH's side but they are a come eat leave group. We host every year but only cook the turkey and gravy. Everyone else brings the sides and drinks. DH can easily cook the turkey like usual and I don't have to worry about the dirt and dog smell of other peoples house in the family who would end up hosting. Plus it helps that his side eats and leaves. We've never had family here for more then 2 hours at holidays.

MalachiteDrake

I'm due Nov. 5th and we've already told his family not to plan on us being there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They live two hours away and it'll be the middle of the Midwest winter. Even if Boo shows up right on time, she'll still be under two months and I'm not sure I'll want to drag her out into that weather or deal with her getting passed around before she gets any vaccinations. 

Family is perfectly welcome to come visit, and I may be stir-crazy enough by Christmas to want to venture out, but I doubt it. Say "most likely no" now has eased my stress about it considerably. 

rroberts2140

My parents literally live a minute from my house and I'm not even committing to go to their house (I'm due the 24th). I told DH that e and DS1 should go to my in laws (who live almost an hour away) if he wants, but not to plan in me or baby boy to be going anywhere. Trying to rest an get the hang of breastfeeding is all I'm going to be focused on.

minibean16

Hi @kstirton‌! I have the PERFECT solution: celebrate Canadian thanksgiving instead!

JustJainey

@minibean16‌ - Funny you say that because we just made the decision not to go the DH's family dinner on Oct 12 because I just don't feel up to 7hrs in a car there and then back again is worth what the trip will do to me!

Rhall2088

One of the best things I did with my first is when I was pregnant with my first I said I wasn't going to let anyone hold him until I felt comfortable. My husbands family thought I was joking. Little did they know i wasn't at Easter he was a week old and I didn't let anyone hold him they were only aloud to look. I think he was 8 weeks before everyone started to hold him. They asked me if I was going to do the same thing this time and I said yes.

luvalways77

It's good to not commit to anything right now. Personally I think it's unfair to ask someone to travel away from home so soon after giving birth, unless it's your decision to do so. I wouldn't be comfortable in any other space with baby and so many family. I'd rather be home.

wallygirl

My family only lives 10 min away and I don't plan on going to Thanksgiving. Either DH and DD will go or my parents will bring us food afterwards. I'm due the 23rd and even if I go a week or two early I don't think we'll be ready to socialize with that many people. I am still up in the air about Christmas. If we go I will be wearing this LO to discourage him/her being passed around.

tamarnina

I'm due Nov. 12 and we are hosting freakin' everyone! My parents were always going to come for Thanksgiving and to see the baby.  My inlaws have now decided to come here for most of November (which I am fine with because they won't be staying with us and now I have back-up care for my other 2 kids when I go into labor). And I also invited some friends before I knew my inlaws would come. I may have 15 people over. Fortunately, I am close enough to everyone to excuse myself and nap if needed. It's also my 3rd child, so I feel more confident that things will be smooth.

I've also told my parents, husband and inlaws that they are cooking. ;-)

NunyaBennis

Thanksgiving has been kind of weird for our family since my grandmother passed away. We're still trying to find our routine, while throwing new extended families in the mix along the way through marriage and moving and life. The planners in us have been fired, as we now do nothing but play it by ear! The last several years have been pretty low-key, though, without any single big dinner.
Last year, my sister and BIL brought their daughter home on Thanksgiving Day. We each brought a dish to their house on the following Saturday, ate together, packed up the leftovers for their fridge, washed the dishes, started some laundry, and left.
It sounds like you have already come to the conclusion of "we'll see" but I figured I'd go ahead and post a response.

brttmr05

I have already said no to all Thanksgiving festivities this year.  I'm due November 20.  Someone can bring us some turkey and mashed potatoes if they want to, but I'm not taking a potentially 1 week old baby to a house full of people (yes I know it's family) on a cold day during cold and flu season.  Christmas will be a little different since he will be older, but I know we won't be comfortable in own house by that time, let alone traveling!

BrittG13

Due the 17th so I hope he's relatively on time and arrives before Thanksgiving. Regardless we're not traveling anywhere. People can come to us. Our local grocery store will probably make our Thanksgiving meal which is fine by me because I'm sure I'll be too sleep deprived to be helpful in a kitchen and I'd rather not set our house on fire. 

musicalmommy3

Good for your DH to take the reigns. Don't make any plans yet. Enjoy your family time with LO when he/she arrives and don't stress. Don't commit to anything too soon.

whoaitsnikki

We usually spend all holidays with DH's family. They are only 30 min away and already know that unless I haven't had Oliver already that they won't be seeing us unless they come over (and bring food). I'm due the 20th but there is always a small chance that he won't be here yet and if that's the case, we will go. We really don't want to take him anywhere other than the doctor for the first month, and our family is being super understanding. 

I hope that things work out and that they will understand that this is something that is important to you. This shouldn't be a stressful time for you. Good luck!

lesliegolem

Yea agree with others definitely don't make a commitment yet just play it by ear. Honestly my first was born in July so she was 5-6 months for the holidays so we did our normal routine for Thanksgiving, both families in one day. It was horrible!!!!! She cried non stop at both places, everyone wanted to hold her and some people wouldn't give her back, I didn't enjoy the food cause I was up with her constantly, it was not enjoyable at all.

So this one is due 11/14. Already told everyone we are not coming to Thanksgiving or any birthday parties (usually have 2) in November or beginning of December. Even if this baby is an easy dumpling we're not risking a repeat. I want to skip Christmas too but right now we're saying we'll play it by ear. Have to take the approach its one year. If all the holidays are skipped its one year, hopefully next year can go back to normal. Good luck!!