Not sure I belong here... anyone struggling to even start TTC??

PittPurple

So I've been on an extended bump break for a while now but this place was such a huge support for me through everything I thought I'd try to tiptoe back in and hope you all can forgive my very long absence. I'm not sure I belong here exactly as I'm not having trouble conceiving (yet), but I am really, really having a hard time jumping back into TTC at all. We originally said we'd try when LO was 1, then I was having actual panic attacks at the thought so we pushed it back... but now we really have to do this if we're going to at all and I'm just frozen with fear again. We both turn 35 this year so the clock is ticking on us and it took over 2 years to have our daughter and... etc, etc, etc... but I just can't get past the absolute fear. I'm terrified I won't get pregnant and equally terrified of being pregnant again.

I feel really silly in so many ways for having such a hard time - I know tons of people who had to wait longer to have a baby and go through so much more than I did. There are so many stories on here that are just heartbreaking so on top of everything I feel so guilty that this is becoming such a problem for me. Anyone have a hard time jumping back in? Anything that helped?

I was so glad to find this board, I was lurking around on TTCAL and PGAL and nothing felt quite right.

bearfootz

Hello. I think we're in similar situations.  I came on here vs. the other boards because these ladies already know what's what vs. the daily "could I be preggars" posts that might drive you nuts. That and we don't want to feel guilty that we already have a child/children but want more.

I get what you're saying. That uber excitement we felt when we started ttc the first time is greatly overshadowed by knowing how stressful the ttc process could be and knowing that something could go wrong. I guess for me it's like I don't even want to let myself get too excited because what if it just doesn't happen?  But I also don't want to miss out on having another child just because of the "what-ifs".  And I don't want this experience to just seem like a science experiement so while I've been trying to keep my emotions in check I've also been letting myself look at the baby name sites a little bit, and fun stuff like that and easing myself into the process - we'll get to the actual ttc stuff soon.

good luck to you

centralperk

bearfootz said:

Hello. I think we're in similar situations.  I came on here vs. the other boards because these ladies already know what's what vs. the daily "could I be preggars" posts that might drive you nuts. That and we don't want to feel guilty that we already have a child/children but want more.

I get what you're saying. That uber excitement we felt when we started ttc the first time is greatly overshadowed by knowing how stressful the ttc process could be and knowing that something could go wrong. I guess for me it's like I don't even want to let myself get too excited because what if it just doesn't happen?  But I also don't want to miss out on having another child just because of the "what-ifs".  And I don't want this experience to just seem like a science experiement so while I've been trying to keep my emotions in check I've also been letting myself look at the baby name sites a little bit, and fun stuff like that and easing myself into the process - we'll get to the actual ttc stuff soon.

good luck to you

I completely agree with this. It is the unknown outcome that scares me the most but my desire to have another child has so far outweigh the potential heartache of another loss.

I don't think your feelings are silly at all and I can relate to a lot of them. When we decided to start ttcing I wrote down all my fears on a piece of paper. I then kind of made a little note at each one as to what I would do/how I would handle/react if that situation happened. It was my kind of mental game plan so that if something bad did happen I kind of knew what steps I could take to deal with the situation. I also made a list of all the wonderful things we would gain by ttcing and gaining another child. 

I am currently going through one of my worse case scenarios. I think my list and mental game plan is helping me. I am trying to focus on the concrete things I wrote down to help me process my grieve and heartache. 

bearfootz

@centralperk Big hugs to you