Hey guys--I just wanted to put this out there for whatever it is worth. It will be a novel. You have been warned.
Everyone always tells us that babies all develop at their own pace. And we all believe it at first and repeat it without really thinking about it.
And then, around 12-18 months, it gets a little scary for a lot of moms on these boards. Trust me--I know! We start reading all these stories about 11 month olds who can read Dr. Seuss and who have already worn out their first pair of shoes training for a baby marathon. And get emails from the what to expect websites telling us what our baby "should be" doing that week/month.
My daughter took her first steps at almost 15 months, which was late-ish, but still within the normal range. My husband wasn't concerned at all because she was cruising and seemed okay with physical stuff. But the boy who was also watched by our nanny every day started walking at 9 months. So, for more than five full months, he was walking (and running) around, while my daughter got frustrated because she couldn't catch him, yet she didn't want to let go and just walk already. Finally, she took her first step. And then some more. And now (at 2.5 years) she and her little friend are zooming all over the playground. She may not be the most graceful toddler in the world, but no one would be able to pick out what kid walked at 9 months and what kid walked at 14.5 months.
With the talking thing, it was even more concerning (to me--again, my husband was not concerned). I kept reading on my first BMB about all these super verbal babies. Obviously, it is fun to talk about super verbal babies, so there were lots of stories--and it seemed like that was all I was reading. My kiddo just barely, barely eeked by each checkup with pretty much exactly the minimum number of words necessary to not get referred for evaluation. She didn't say mama until 14 months (my son also isn't saying mama--they are apparently both all about daddy).
I could tell she understood a lot of what i was saying, But at two, she still hadn't said a single two-word phrase or sentence. Ever. Our pediatrician noted that at least two word sentences is the milestone for two years, but she wasn't worried because she clearly understood what was being said to her. She told me to give it a couple more months before being concerned. There were moms on my birth month board around the two year mark whose toddlers were speaking in 5-6 word sentences. They were laughing about these intricate stories their toddler was telling them.
I read to her All. The . Time. Talked and sang constantly. Why wasn't she talking???? You don't even want to know how often I annoyed my husband with questions about what we could possibly do to help her (his answer--"she is developing normally. Don't worry. We don't need to do anything differently. Seriously." Etc.)
Well, the night after her 2 year visit, I was changing clothes. She grabbed my shirt and said "no!! Me clothes!!" She then pulled my shirt over her head and ran out the closet door. I seriously cried. It was so nice to hear that two-word phrase. Even if it had to be a bratty terrible-two phrase!
She has continued to ramp it up verbally. Now, at 2.5, she is telling me little stories and telling me about her day. The pediatrician was totally blown away at her last checkup. All that time spent worrying is just time I can't get back now.
Tl:dr: Kids all develop so differently. All the stress I spent worrying about why my kid wasn't meeting the crazy feats I read about on my first BMB was wasted. It is not a competition. And there are all sorts of studies out there that show the age when kids hit milestones has little to do with their future aptitude in that area. This time around, I have made myself promise not to stress unless my husband (or pediatrician) tells me to pay attention to something. Otherwise, I am just enjoying everything as it happens. So, so much nicer to live life without that sick feeling that your kid is not measuring up to the AW posts on these boards. Just enjoy the ride!
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Yeah, yeah. Lots of you aren't going to read this because it is too long. That's fine. I just thought I would put it out there in case there are other anxious mamas who are going through what I did last time around...
Hey, hey. There are kids who are way, way ahead of my kids on every single measurable characteristic. I just wanted to make the point that, this time around, I am not going to worry until an educated professional tells me that there is something off and tells me what I can do to address the situation.
There is a wide range of normal. And there are so many therapies to address delays. But just silently freaking out while reading aw posts (which I did way too much of the first time around) accomplished nothing for me except to make me anxious. So, for me, it was just time to...let it go!
I always read your novels. In my particular case I was told it was abnormal, but I totally get your point. I worked with kids with developmental disabilities all the way up until I got pregnant.
I tried so hard these last 11 months not to compare, but now that I know there is an issue it's getting harder not to compare, or at least get incredibly envious. That some parents are having experiences that I can't even envision possible at the moment.
I just want to add that just because someone's baby is doing something before someone else's doesn't mean they are trying to be an AW or make anyone else feel bad either. What they do is out of our control on both ends of the spectrum. It is what it is.
I always read your novels. In my particular case I was told it was abnormal, but I totally get your point. I worked with kids with developmental disabilities all the way up until I got pregnant.
I tried so hard these last 11 months not to compare, but now that I know there is an issue it's getting harder not to compare, or at least get incredibly envious. That some parents are having experiences that I can't even envision possible at the moment.
Jalee--I was a counselor each summer in high school and college at a camp for kids with muscular dystrophy. It was the best experience of my life and where I made some amazing friends with both the campers and counselors. The motto that we always discussed was to celebrate everything. Every single thing. When you are really working for milestones vs. just noticing one day that your kid can now do "x", it gives you a different appreciation for how complicated everything that we do really is--and how amazing the human body is to carry out even the most "basic" tasks. It is really amazing that any of us can adequately balance on two legs and walk in a straight line! Lots of hugs!
Anecdotes can be reassuring, that one of the reasons i come here. My kid is not developing her gross motor skills at warp speed either. I'm not too concerned about it, I just don't think she's strong enough yet. My ped said it usually takes 3 months from the first pull-up to the first steps, so I know Cece won't be walking by her first birthday. My mom said I was a late walker too. I think the hardest part is being patient... the new skills are so exciting!
I just want to add that just because someone's baby is doing something before someone else's doesn't mean they are trying to be an AW or make anyone else feel bad either. What they do is out of our control on both ends of the spectrum. It is what it is.
Babies be crazy.
Totally not what I was trying to imply!! I was just saying "aw" in jest--as from the perspective who was reading about these kids reciting Shakespeare when mine was still speaking one word at a time.
I just want to add that just because someone's baby is doing something before someone else's doesn't mean they are trying to be an AW or make anyone else feel bad either. What they do is out of our control on both ends of the spectrum. It is what it is.
Babies be crazy.
Totally not what I was trying to imply!! I was just saying "aw" in jest--as from the perspective who was reading about these kids reciting Shakespeare when mine was still speaking one word at a time.
Oh no! I know you're not implying that. Just a general statement.
I get your point- I do. There is a WIDE range of "normal". But some kids are not NT and some (like DD1) are borderline and it is not yet evident which way they'll go. And for those mamas it hurts whenever they see the differences with their children- it physically hurts my heart when I see DD1 attempting to do what the other children are doing and failing.
I just have all the feel tonight because tomorrow she has library class without me. It will be a sink or swim moment and I am very anxious about it.
I will be thinking about you and crunchy toddler tomorrow. Fr the stories you have told about your little miss, it seems like she is very tenacious. If she doesn't make it all the way through the first time around, I am sure she will want to go back and try again the next week.
Your gymnastics story made me laugh a little because I was asked not to return to both my pre-school gymnastics class and my preschool ballet class (two different facilities). When all the other kids were lining up and following instructions, I was off in my own world and would get so engrossed in what another class was doing that I wouldn't realize that my class had moved on and left me behind. In kindergarten, my teacher let me sit on her spinning chair and I would give book reports while I spun around in circles. The teachers would tell my parents that I seemed to have no awareness of personal space or where my body was/how to use it appropriately to get what I needed/sit still when it was time to listen/etc. Somehow, that lack of focus faded away at some point and my parents don't have nearly as many funny "space cadet" moments from my later elementary school years...
I think it's really easy to get caught up in comparing our little ones on a board like this. People post when their kid does something new because hey, it's exciting. Or they have questions. And it's a lot more interesting then, so my kid is just sitting there. Doesn't seem to care if he craps himself. You know? I drove myself crazy over analyzing my first. She had things she did early. She had things she did a little later because she's a kid and that's how they do. I drove myself crazy sometimes and in the end she eventually figured out sippy cups and finally walked and on a blessed day at 3 1/2 finally stopped crapping herself. I don't know why I'm not so worried with my second kid. I think 5 years in the parenting trenches have just worn me down. He's doing some stuff ahead of my DD and other stuff he's definitely behind. Maybe I can appreciate that broad range of normal more now. Or maybe it's because as my DD got older it became obvious that she did have some concerns. We're working through an ADHD diagnosis and the struggles that entails. We've made it through PT and I've seen her accomplishments. So maybe I just know with DS that if these or other challenges arise, we'll get through them. I pay attention, but I just can't stress about things until it's time to stress about things. Because of this, I'm finding that I'm enjoying myself a lot more this time around. And that's my novel.
Avoiding the long quote tree-- @crunchymama11 I don't know that acronym in any other context except symphysis pubic dysfunction, which I had with both pregnancies. But I don't think that it fits in this context?
sensory processing disorder- used to be sensory integration
My 5 yo has that.. She spins until she's sick, throws herself head first into things and completely lacks the ability to be gentle. Very sensory seeking. It's actually very interesting as my DD has gotten older and been diagnosed to see that things she has always done that seemed strange actually have a name and a treatment. It's been a battle and one that at many times where I felt I was the only one noticing concerns, so I do appreciate parents that are going through this and the stress it can cause.
sensory processing disorder- used to be sensory integration
My 5 yo has that.. She spins until she's sick, throws herself head first into things and completely lacks the ability to be gentle. Very sensory seeking. It's actually very interesting as my DD has gotten older and been diagnosed to see that things she has always done that seemed strange actually have a name and a treatment. It's been a battle and one that at many times where I felt I was the only one noticing concerns, so I do appreciate parents that are going through this and the stress it can cause.
We are going through this now with O. He has always been different, since he was 3 months old we knew something was up. I say if your Mom gut tells u something is wrong go with it. I agree kids do things at different rates and most of the time everything is fine. But if something is really nagging u it can't hurt to get evaluated.
I needed this today. DS is 1 today and was 5 weeks early so everyone keeps saying it's because he was a premie. He has hit all milestones except talking. He says dada and mama but until recently he barely said mama. He is just learning to stand on his own but walking isn't there yet. I needed to actually hear I wasn't alone in this and other moms have normal babies who are just late too.
Thank you for this novel! It meant a lot on a day I was slightly freaking out.
Thank you for this post - I know it's true, but I need constant reminders. I think it is one negative side to bumping - it forces you to compare constantly, and that can wreck you.
I don't compare much to other people's babies but I do often find myself comparing my own babies. It's amazing to me that two babies with the same genetic code, who have been together pretty much every moment of their lives can be so different and develop different skills at different times.
@crunchymama11 We're still figuring it out too. We're doing OT and she recently started meds. I'd love to discuss it more with you and where you're at in the process. I'm at work and mobile right now. I'll PM you tonight when I can respond properly.
@sooner1981 Thank you for posting! It's hard not to compare, but having a preemie throws another caveat into the mix, which makes things that much more confusing. It's hard to remember that while she's almost 14mos actual, she's not even 12mos adjusted yet.
@mancila60 Also being a preemie mom (30-weeker) it's hard to see comparisons and milestones. LO says dada but won't say mama at all. When I say where's mama, she'll point to a mama dog in her favorite book (which I'm also apparently reading wrong lol), so that's cool.
Instead of just standing there, could you please teach my kid how to say mama? I am getting tired of the incessant dadas. If he learns how to say Fran before mama, I am not going to be pleased!
I also thought this was very useful and reassuring!
My DD's gross motor skills are very good, but language not so much. Doesn't consistently say any words, but she had mastered shaking her head 'no'. Go figure.
I also thought this was very useful and reassuring!
My DD's gross motor skills are very good, but language not so much. Doesn't consistently say any words, but she had mastered shaking her head 'no'. Go figure.
This. DS can walk, but does not say anything except mama and dada, and I've never seen him shake his head yes or no. Quite frankly, until reading this thread, I didn't know that was a thing he was supposed to be doing yet.
Re: To all the O13-ers who are comparing milestones...
There is a wide range of normal. And there are so many therapies to address delays. But just silently freaking out while reading aw posts (which I did way too much of the first time around) accomplished nothing for me except to make me anxious. So, for me, it was just time to...let it go!
I tried so hard these last 11 months not to compare, but now that I know there is an issue it's getting harder not to compare, or at least get incredibly envious. That some parents are having experiences that I can't even envision possible at the moment.
Babies be crazy.
Your gymnastics story made me laugh a little because I was asked not to return to both my pre-school gymnastics class and my preschool ballet class (two different facilities). When all the other kids were lining up and following instructions, I was off in my own world and would get so engrossed in what another class was doing that I wouldn't realize that my class had moved on and left me behind. In kindergarten, my teacher let me sit on her spinning chair and I would give book reports while I spun around in circles. The teachers would tell my parents that I seemed to have no awareness of personal space or where my body was/how to use it appropriately to get what I needed/sit still when it was time to listen/etc. Somehow, that lack of focus faded away at some point and my parents don't have nearly as many funny "space cadet" moments from my later elementary school years...
We are going through this now with O. He has always been different, since he was 3 months old we knew something was up. I say if your Mom gut tells u something is wrong go with it. I agree kids do things at different rates and most of the time everything is fine. But if something is really nagging u it can't hurt to get evaluated.
@mancila60 Also being a preemie mom (30-weeker) it's hard to see comparisons and milestones. LO says dada but won't say mama at all. When I say where's mama, she'll point to a mama dog in her favorite book (which I'm also apparently reading wrong lol), so that's cool.
My DD's gross motor skills are very good, but language not so much. Doesn't consistently say any words, but she had mastered shaking her head 'no'. Go figure.