MIL/FIL Vent (update-part 2)

CanukMam

so my MIL/FIL are visiting from another province. Haven't seen them since May. DS1 was 1 year old then. After not seeing DS1 for almost 6 months, they want to come tomorrow evening and have me take him out of daycare and leave him home with them on Thursday.

I have a few issues with this. It's not like they have been here for even a few days to get to know his routine. It's been ~6 months since they have seen him. We just had some sleep regression issues where every nap/bedtime was an hour of screaming and finally now he is sleeping and back on schedule. We have a big trip planned for Saturday (leaving for a week) and between now and then I would like things to go smoothly.

He's also learning to communicate but is at a point where you would only understand him if you knew him really well. We saw them for a few hours last weekend and FIL was tossing DS around. DS doesn't like to be upside down, or tossed around excessively. He was pouting and boarder line tears and was not enjoying himself. FIL doesn't notice this and continues doing what he's doing. It just bothers me that DS's feelings aren't noticed and they tend to do what they want with/to him.

Lastly (more importantly), they have a history of doing things their way "Nana's rules" and completely disregarding my wishes. Our relationship is strained and there is a considerable lack of respect there. I am not a subtle or quiet person. In all cases I step up for myself and my son. I know that this causes tension but they need to learn that my feelings will not be ignored.

Part of me says that in the grand scheme of things, taking him out of daycare for a day is not a big deal. It's not the end of the world. Ultimately they are good people and I am in no way concerned for my sons safety. Also, I know that they will probably be insulted if we don't allow him to be taken out of daycare to spend the day with him.

On the other hand, they are in town for a month and have every weekend booked with cottage/boat/recreational outings. If they really wanted to spend quality time with DS then they should come down on a weekend. I also don't think I should have to agree to this to save their feelings when they don't give a shit about my feelings or wishes. Oh and when DS was 6 months old she was badmouthing our parenting to her friend on the phone (in my house) about how my son didn't have a proper routine. So part of me thinks that she should understand my desire to keep him on his current routine.

TLDR: MIL wants to spend the day with son unsupervised, not having seen him for 6 months. Not sure what to do. Hubby thinks it's not a big deal and to avoid confrontation we should let them. "Whats the harm?" but he also doesn't see how they treat me.

Am I crazy, should I take him out of daycare for the day?

CanukMam

God that is long, didn't realize how long it was until I posted it!

js1002

I'm
Totally confused.
You said they haven't seen him in 6 months but then said you saw them last weekend? I probably would not take him out of daycare unless I could take the day off and spend it with them too. It would be different if he was super familiar wkth them.

pinottoparenthood

He's their grandson. I think if you want them to have a relationship with him, and you feel he is safe and loved, I would take him out of daycare for the day. It's just one day, and in the grand scheme of things, I just don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm pretty laid back about that kind of thing I guess. I leave Rhys with my in-laws every other Friday, and while they do things that get on my nerves, overall I am just glad that he can have a relationship with all his grandparents. I COMPLETELY get why it's annoying and irritating for you.. I am CONSTANTLY annoyed haha... but I still think it's worth it to just bite the bullet for a day. Personally.

CanukMam

js1002 said:

I'm Totally confused. You said they haven't seen him in 6 months but then said you saw them last weekend? I probably would not take him out of daycare unless I could take the day off and spend it with them too. It would be different if he was super familiar wkth them.

sorry, they typically come up for a month at a time. The last time was May. We did get to see them last weekend for a few hours but they haven't spent any time at our place yet this trip.

CanukMam

I guess I just think that they should spend more time with him (like at least a weekend) before going cold solo with him for the day.

Anyway, I'm just going to "work from home" that day so I can keep an eye on things.

js1002

CanukMam said:

I guess I just think that they should spend more time with him (like at least a weekend) before going cold solo with him for the day.

Anyway, I'm just going to "work from home" that day so I can keep an eye on things.

That's what I would do -- Pinot, if it was an every week or even once a month thing, I'd be all for it!  My mom had my niece once a week when she was a baby and it was great. But I think to stick a kid with virtual strangers for a day, when it isn't a situation where he's going to be with them often (ie, starting a new daycare) is kind of a lot for a little dude.

YOur solution is perfect though - everybody wins!

CanukMam

Agreed, and even when we transitioned to daycare we did two half days where I stayed with him.

EIsieMae

I think that working from home to keep an eye on things is the best solution as well

lyankowi

I don't see the harm but I also see where LO might get upset, faces that haven't been seen for awhile would be scary. I would still let them take him

CanukMam

I do tell him but his attitude is 'they are old and never going to change' and he just generally avoids conflict at all costs. We had a long chat about it, had to get past the notion that I'm trying to withhold their grandchildren until 'they change'. Which I am definitely not trying to do, I'm past the point where I care if they like me and don't think we will all have this awesome relationship. However if they don't respect me as a person/parent then the reality of the situation is I won't trust them with certain things. A more extreme but real example: If I can't have a real conversation about how to strap my child properly in a car seat without offending them, them I will avoid situations where this conversation is necessary because letting them drive him somewhere and not having the conversation is not an option. I now have another situation to deal with. MIL likes to clean my house while visiting, yay right? Well this is the first deep clean she's done since we've been in the new house, she scrubbed all my floors and left the bucket in one spot while doing this. Now I have significant water damage on my hardwood floors in the spot. She often does things how she has always done them and doesn't think at all. Shes damaged other things in the past and shrunk my clothes/sheets, etc. Shes never had hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances etc and doesn't make sure not to damage these things. Next time she comes we are going to have to tell her we don't want her to clean. We plan to hire cleaners so we will use that as an 'excuse' but I hate using excuses..they feel like such a cop out. FIL also likes to 'fix' things....by taking a hammer to it usually..and does more harm then good.

lyankowi

Oh man water damage sucks, it's a nice thing to do but not if you ruin things.