Intro/Leaving my SO

Khaleesi07

Hi ladies. Spent a bit of time lurking today, and wanted to introduce myself. I'm 29 years old, my DD is 12 months.

I've been with my SO for nearly 8 years, and I am ending our relationship, and moving back in with my parents. Our first year together was a bit rocky--he hemmed and hawed a bit about committing, there were times when he shut down on me in regards to communication, but after that first year we had a solid 4 years together, when we decided to move in. Our first year living together was fairly solid. A few minor spats, but nothing major. Our second year living together was more stressful, I was pregnant, I got laid off, and our landlord was forcing us to move. He was really good to me when I was pregnant, he had a few bouts of moodiness, but I figured he was just stressed out and it would pass.

Since I had DD our relationship has totally plummeted. He's constantly criticizing the way I do things with her, the fact that the apartment isn't perfectly clean at all times, he snaps at me on a regular basis, and I basically feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time. He wants the apartment to be clean, but hardly ever helps with DD. I bathe her, I change her diapers, I get up with her at night, I prepare her meals for day care, and I'm essentially on "baby duty" all weekend, getting up with her at 7:00 am, while he sleeps in till 12pm, or sometimes even late afternoon 3-5pm if we don't have any set plans. On top of all of that we've had sex twice in the past year and a half, and what's even worse is the lack of affection. He never kisses, hugs, or tells me he loves me. The worst part is that he has the nerve to constantly berate me, when he's certainty not perfect himself. We have no money saved because of his gambling addiction, cigarettes, and the amount of money he spends buying weed. He promised he would quit all of that when I was pregnant, and it never happened. It's a tough decision, especially since I just went back to work--at a new job two months ago--and even more so because DD absolutely adores her father. But I can't go on feeling rejected and hurt everyday. I feel like a total failure :-(

We've talked about the fact that he's depressed and addiction runs in his family. I've asked him numerous times to get help, and he's never followed through. Our lease ends October 31st, and I will be moving out with DD then. I just don't even know where to begin and how to tell him that I'm leaving him. We had planned on resigning our lease, so I have to tell him soon, since we won't be re-signing, which means not paying rent this month, since we paid first and last when we moved in. My family lives about two hours away from where we live now, and I know he'll have to move back with his family (about an hour away) since he won't be able to afford rent on his own. DD is still nursing, so she won't be staying with him overnight till she's weaned. Him spending time with DD is going to be something we need to figure out...I'm afraid he's going to raise hell about the logistics, and his family spending time with her.

I just don't know how he's going to react, and that scares me. :-/ So sorry for the uber long dear diary post! I'm just hoping that you wonderful ladies might be able to offer some advice, or words of wisdom.  

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20thirteen

becwheat said: I am sorry you are at this point. After reading I agree it is the right decision. You are not a failure.
First of all, in NO WAY are you a failure.  Kick that out of your brain.  You are doing nothing wrong by taking care of yourself and your child, doing so by leaving a toxic relationship.  

becwheat said:

Logistics will suck. It will be easier to navigate if you have an agreement on file  in court. Court orders give you both a solid routine and rules to follow. Then you will not have constant arguing over time and money. I would consult a lawyer ASAP. I know in an emotional time this doesn't seem important, but it is better to get that done sooner rather than later of you foresee issues.

Secondly, this.  Things could get even worse if you don't figure out what your options are beforehand.  

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 

Love your name/avatar.  Good luck!

jellybean529

You're making the right decision. I don't have much advice to offer other than what's been said already, other than to say -- you're not a failure. It's just the way life works out sometimes. Be kind to yourself and understand you're doing what's right for your DD, and when you do find someone new, you'll have a healthy relationship to model for her.

Hugs

MinnesotaMomma91

Your making the right choice. Im sorry that your going through this. Apply for legal aid/get a lawyer. They will help with custody orders. Which you will need.

Hugs momma your doing the right thing.

Out of curiosity your sn rings a bell, were you on the august 13 bmb?

tig594

Welcome! Also sorry you're going through this and it will probably be a rocky road for awhile. Don't blame yourself because you are NOT a failure. Addiction is hard all the way around. Agree with PPs about consulting an attorney ASAP. Also, about your lease, if you are worried about how he will react, ESPECIALLY if there is a chance of violence or even him manipulating you to stay, why can't you just leave now or at the end of this month? Is it possible to pack up everything you need/want and just move now? It sounds like it would be a good idea to maybe have your family/friends show up with a moving truck and you could drop the bomb then...with people around to support you and help shield your child and get your stuff out. I certainly wouldn't tell him while just the 3 of you are in your home together. If there are others around you could take him aside and explain to him what you've decided. It doesn't sound like you need to have an hours long convo about the why of it. If he doesn't understand by now why beat a dead horse?

freeatlast2014

Welcome to the board. I am in the midst of a divorce myself with a logistical nightmare ahead of me. It sucks. It hurts. But i know in my heart of hearts this was the right decision to protect my babies. Good luck!

Khaleesi07

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. @tig594 as much as I would like to get up and leave, I told my job I would stay till the end of October, and since they're considering the possibility of letting me work from home, I don't want to just bail. If I was worried for our safety, I would--but he's never shown or had any violent tendencies. With that said, who knows what the prospect of having your child "taken away" would bring out in someone? I've been suffering from PPA, and I've definitely been having some irrational thoughts about what might happen when I tell him that DD and I are leaving.

My leaving isn't open for discussion, and at this point I'm sure he won't be surprised. I doubt he cares at all about me leaving, but I know he loves DD, and won't want to be away from her. I'm 99.9% sure he's stayed with me because of DD. Back in April, he asked me if I wanted to leave and told me maybe I should "be with someone else", but he later apologized and said he didn't mean it. I really think he just didn't want to lose DD, and figured he would just suck up being miserable with me.

I might ask his sister to be there, take DD out for a bit, so I can tell him without DD having to be around for whatever might go down.

I just left a message for the local legal services program in my area--hopefully I hear back tomorrow.

@Minnesotamomma91 --Yes! I lurk/post at Aug '13 BMB. Awesome group of ladies there :-)

MinnesotaMomma91

I was a reg there for a long time but just stopped posting there because i got so busy with school. I think it is a good idea for your dd not to be there when you tell him since it could end in a fight and it could be hard on her to see that.

Your doing the right thing!