Trouble in Paradise

ambmama

Anyone else have a less than perfect relationship with their H? Gosh, mine is such a roller coaster and it's so hard. It's half the reason we are TTA for the foreseeable future. We went through 2 losses this year which affected me a lot but h literally barely reacted besides telling me I'm dramatic. I wouldn't even post on this board the things he said to me about a 1st tri baby. DS is going to be 2 in dec and is a handful (good and bad), and I'm feeling like I do everything. If I don't cook/clean/grocery shop/do laundry/take care of DS/etc, it literally just doesn't get done. I put T down for naps, during the week drop him off and pick him up from school, do dinner, bath, bed. On top of it my H is just so mean/rude to me and still treats me like I do nothing and I'm just a b*tch when I bring anything up. Btw, I also work 40-50 hours per week (so does H, I work from home though for a major tech company) Sorry, guess I just needed to vent! Thanks ladies.

ETA: Spelling

lilmac2929

This whole process (and being a parent in general) can be so rough on a relationship. Feel free to vent!  I am concerned he doesn't listen to your concerns.  Can you suggest therapy? Tell him how bummed you are with how things are? Get a date night to reconnect? 

rachels615

I feel your pain, we have a 2.5 yr old and after our first loss H barely said anything about it, second loss, same thing, third he didn't say a word other than 'well ok well try again some time' I don't know if I've just been harboring resentment because he didn't have to go through it or what but it's a real strain, ttc has become kind of a chore, we both want it but it's just a frustrating process. Hopefully you guys will be in a better place soon, I wish you all the best!

morganlmw

Nothing test a marriage like a 2 year old! Hang in there.

dmsmth

Dh did not get why i was so upset over my m/c. Ttc is stressfull and so is having a young lo. Just in the last year has our relationship gotten better. Our youngest is now almost 3.5.

bearfootz

I am very sorry for your losses. I think men handle things differently, I know my DH internalized it and didn't say too much probably because he thought it would make it harder on me but in reality I wanted someone to cry with. (though maybe he didn't feel the same connection I did since I was the one carrying the baby? I don't know).

People are shocked when couples split after they've been TTC - but I don't think it's a shock at all.  I think the stress of it seems to just highlight any issues that might have already been there, that and your emotions and hormones are totally out of control at times. I think it is very important to work through those issues, and decide what the real problems are. If he's downright rude to you then that's a concern and not something that's going to get better unless addressed.  Obviously none of use know the details of your relationship. 

This might not be the perfect book but I did find it helpful when we went through a rough patch while ttc the first time: https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

 

 

 

ambmama

Thanks ladies. I can't say H does "nothing," because he does stuff that is important to him or will sometime watch the little guy, but it's definitely getting less and less. Plus, since I work from home, I think he has this expectation that I should be getting cleaning/cooking/laundry done. I seriously think he doesn't understand how stressful my days are with just work alone. But you're right, I need to find a way for him to listen to my concerns.

lhoweth

I am so sorry. I know I resented DH a lot after the loss because he seemed so un-phased and went about life like normal... all while I felt like I was drowning. I know I had a lot of bitterness towards him for that and it wasn't til we sat down and talked I realized he was just grieving differently. Also, I think the two losses caused a lot of my anxiety issues to spike. 

I too suggest counseling. It might just be nice to have an unbiased 3rd party help you guys see each other's side.

purplehaze11

I'm sorry, two losses this year along with a two year old has been really tough and definitely tested our marriage, but we are hanging in there. I think a two year old is a challenge on a good day, without the stresses of loss and TTC

Bat_Ish_Crazy

I'm so sorry for your losses.  Marriage is work. And sometimes it's challenging. Having a toddler is even more work. Dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss on top of all that? I hope you have a stocked wine cellar!

I think everyone needs to vent from time to time about their spouse. Housework.  The struggle is real.  We've found a balance that kind of sort of maybe works a little. Ish. I agree with PPs who suggested telling him exactly what you want done.

And, I think it's typical for men to deal with pregnancy loss in a less personal way. BUT, the fact that he called you dramatic raises a huge red flag for me. It would be very difficult for me to get past that.  That single word in that particular scenario would be enough for me to demand counseling.  Consider raising the possibility with him. 

Millimeter

Raising kids is tough. Add in housework and careers and sometimes it seems impossible. I know with my husband, he needs to be told exactly what needs to be done. What bothers me doesn't even phase him, so dirty dishes and socks all over the house would just stay there.

When we first got married, we had a chore chart. No stickers, though haha. We listed what needs done weekly, and we each picked chores we would do. It helped a lot!

I now stay home with the twins so I do most of the child care and housework. I do get super frustrated sometimes, and that is when I need a break. He will watch the kids while I run to get groceries so I have some time away. I get stuff done but also have a sort of break.

Your husband may assume (incorrectly) that since you work at home, you have more time to do housework. I would sit down and tell him what you need. Not "you don't do xyz," but "I can't do it all in my own, and I'm feeling unappreciated" and make a new game plan. Saying "I feel" is the key to talking to my husband. He doesn't feel attacked, but I get my point across.

I'm sorry about your losses. I had an early loss and took it very hard. My husband didn't seem phased, but he was being strong for me. He handles things differently. I was sad and was really angry and frustrated. As women we physically experience it and the baby was a part of us, so when something happens we actually lose a part of us. Perhaps his saying those things was his way of handling the loss and the stress?

I would also suggest counseling, as others have stated. TTC, parenting, and loss is hard. Some people don't know how to handle it all, and they need a little help figuring out how to release their emotions.

Good luck!

ambmama

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate all of the advice. We talked about counseling before but really didn't know where to start. The more time goes by, though, the more I'm realizing without it this marriage may not work! I wish I had a more thoughtful response but I'm really just trying to sort out what comes next.

centralperk

Millimeter said:

Raising kids is tough. Add in housework and careers and sometimes it seems impossible. I know with my husband, he needs to be told exactly what needs to be done. What bothers me doesn't even phase him, so dirty dishes and socks all over the house would just stay there. When we first got married, we had a chore chart. No stickers, though haha. We listed what needs done weekly, and we each picked chores we would do. It helped a lot! I now stay home with the twins so I do most of the child care and housework. I do get super frustrated sometimes, and that is when I need a break. He will watch the kids while I run to get groceries so I have some time away. I get stuff done but also have a sort of break. Your husband may assume (incorrectly) that since you work at home, you have more time to do housework. I would sit down and tell him what you need. Not "you don't do xyz," but "I can't do it all in my own, and I'm feeling unappreciated" and make a new game plan. Saying "I feel" is the key to talking to my husband. He doesn't feel attacked, but I get my point across. I'm sorry about your losses. I had an early loss and took it very hard. My husband didn't seem phased, but he was being strong for me. He handles things differently. I was sad and was really angry and frustrated. As women we physically experience it and the baby was a part of us, so when something happens we actually lose a part of us. Perhaps his saying those things was his way of handling the loss and the stress? I would also suggest counseling, as others have stated. TTC, parenting, and loss is hard. Some people don't know how to handle it all, and they need a little help figuring out how to release their emotions. Good luck!

I agree with a lot of other posters have said and the bold above has really helped MH and I communicate better. We went through counseling last year and it really helped us learn to communicate better with each other.

MH was someone that needed help figuring out how to release his emotions. He grew up in a family where everyone just kind of swept it under the rug and never talked about it.  I grew up in a family where you openly shared and discussed things. It was complete opposites family situation so it took awhile for us to come up with a good way to communicate where we both felt satisfied and happy.

When I am feeling really frustrated about something I have to remember to not just say to MH you don't do xyz or I\m always doing xzy why aren't you helping more because then he will shut down and feel attacked. Learning to phrase things with I feel or I think helps get the message across without the angry or blame.

We too have divided up different chores and now each take one certain tasks. We started doing a cleaning schedule 3 months ago. One of us tackles one room while the other quickly tidy up our living room kitchen area as this is where we spend the most time each day. It takes around 15 minutes and has saved a lot of frustration. Plus we don't have to spend a weekend day cleaning since we do most of it during the week. Once a month we do a deeper clean on Sundays. I try to get DS to help out with this as well so it is a family activity.  

I\m not in the U.S right now but when I did live there I am pretty sure I either called my clinic and asked for a referral or called my insurance company and asked who and what would be covered under my insurance plan.

I also know some places offer reduced rated base on income or if you are out of pocket.