Lurker finally introducing myself, unfortunately

Pennilyn Novus

I've lurked for a few days but I figured I should introduce myself.

This is my third miscarriage, second missed miscarriage.  I heard the heartbeat, strong in the 160s, at 11 weeks.  I went in a week and a half later for the NT scan, and discovered my baby had died.  I had a D&C the next day.  In the following days, I had too much bleeding, a med to stop the bleeding that gave me horrifying cramps, a 10 hour trip to the emergency room for abdominal pain where I found I had a UTI and retained tissue, and would need a repeat D&C. Thankfully the next day all of what remained came out and I thought I could finally start to grieve.  But then I got blood clots in my leg, so I had to give myself twice daily blood thinner shots, and the bloodwork came back with a possible Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying my blood clots when it shouldn't, and that I may have gotten a clot in my placenta that killed my baby. And if I'd been on aspirin it might not have happened. 

So now I'm finally in a place where I can start to grieve and I feel frozen in anger at the world.  I waited a year to get off a med so I could get pregnant, and then we managed it the first month, and I made it 12 weeks with everything fine.  I'm 35, so I know time is of the essence, and I'm so scared it won't happen again, that I'll just keep miscarrying. 

follourdestiny

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had a D&C at 11 weeks and some minor complications after. Have you had your homeocystein levels checked or been tested for MTHFR? This mutation causes clotting. I'm positive and will need to take lovenox injections the next time we conceive. My midwife this time around didn't think it was necessary which I now know is not true. They may have saved my baby. May be worth looking into. My thoughts and prayers are with you during your healing process. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Hugs xx

FigureSkater8

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.  You are a trooper to have to deal with all that - I know I get super frustrated with ANY medical complication.  Also- I understand your anger.  I'm angry too.  I just turned 36 on Friday and we found out the M/MC the next day.  What a birthday gift and the doctor said well, some MCs are due to being "advanced maternal age."  Thanks for that.  Anyway- hugs to you dear.  You are brave and strong.

QCSouthernBelle

Love to you all, ladies!   So glad there are folks on here that can relate. 

We lost our sweet Olivia Grace just 2 weeks ago ... the WORST part for me, was knowing for 2 days that my little girl's heart had stopped, and waiting while my body went through the labor and delivery process.    My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child.

And I will definitely agree that there is a piece of me that has angry thoughts ... all the women in the world who get pregnant "accidentally" - or any woman faced with the option of abortion - or who put a child up for adoption.  I do not mean to judge those choices as I don't know the whole story ... however it is so easy to target them, and I have definitely done that.  It's hard to make sense of why these things happen to women, who like us, want children - want a family, and can provide a good loving home.

It has helped me this past couple weeks to do some journaling to get some of the emotions out. 

Will be thinking of you all~   

ctk181

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you went through. I'm glad you have found this board, it is a great source of comfort and support. Please be patient with yourself and taie care of yourself as you heal. This is a long difficult process but it does get a little easier with time.

centralperk

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the feeling of feeling frozen in anger. I hope your recovery isn't too bad and like others says try to be patient and kind to yourself.

joolaya

I am so sorry for your loss and everything that you have had to go through.

4N6s

Ugh... Praying for you.

Pennilyn Novus

Thanks, ladies.  The hemotologist tested for several clotting diseases, and Lupus too, but the tests haven't come back yet.  There's a good chance that next time I get pregnant, I will have to do Lovenox or Heparin injections daily, but I was actually getting used to them in the end, and if the result is a happy, healthy baby, I will do what I have to do. 

Huge hugs to you all.

kyliehopeful

I'm sorry for your loss and feel your pain and anger.