Tough conversation of when to stop trying

sunflwra

Hi ladies-  I know many of you have already been through this conversation and tough decision or it's something that weighs heavy on your heart.  During our consult last week, the MFM brought up the fact that she would recommend that, if we lose another baby, we doing an amnio before delivery to ensure that we get the most information possible.  It brought up the conversation that I had been dreading between DH and I- how much more could we go through before we end this journey?

Since we had a clear explanation on our first loss and it was not expected to be something we had to worry about repeating, we tried again with no question.  With no answers for our last loss, we are definitely trying again, however DH has said that if we have another loss, he doesn't know if he can do it again.  He did say he might reconsider if there was a specific reason for the loss and we weren't in the unexplained situation we're in now, but either way, it was tough to hear. 

I'm not trying to borrow trouble, I'm very hopeful that the precautions we're putting in to place for a future pregnancy will be successful and we will have our rainbow, but I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not feeling added pressure that this could be our last shot. I know we can often forget how tough this is on our SOs and I was selfishly thinking only about how much more I thought I could handle and not that he could be coming to his breaking point.

Has anyone else had this tough conversation lately?  What is your (or your SOs) breaking point and/or deciding factors? Yet another thing to log under the "Shit decisions no one should ever have to make".

 

 

buggirl72

I'm sorry that you even have to be thinking about this (((hugs))).

It is so important for both of you to be on the same page and it is good that the two of you are talking about this. I think one of the most important things to remember in this conversation is that whatever you and your DH decide, it is not set in stone. I have seen many people who have made this decision only to change it after time has passed.

For us, I know my H's breaking point would be another loss after a HB and especially another second trimester or later loss. There is a fine line between him not wanting to see me hurt and how much his heart can take.

jjbmstinco

((hugs)) that is a hard conversation to have.  

We haven't had that conversation quite yet, but wanted you to know that we are here if you want to talk.  Wishing you luck.

O2girl

All I have are ((((hugs)))). MH and I have had a similar discussion..... I'm the one saying I don't know that I can do it all again if this next try doesn't work...... It all blows and I'm sorry you are going through this too.

sunflwra

buggirl72 said:

I'm sorry that you even have to be thinking about this (((hugs))).

It is so important for both of you to be on the same page and it is good that the two of you are talking about this. I think one of the most important things to remember in this conversation is that whatever you and your DH decide, it is not set in stone. I have seen many people who have made this decision only to change it after time has passed.

For us, I know my H's breaking point would be another loss after a HB and especially another second trimester or later loss. There is a fine line between him not wanting to see me hurt and how much his heart can take.

@buggirl72 - this is very much ours too.  I think the fact that both of ours have been 2nd tri losses have fast tracked this conversation too.  We get through the first tri and the genetic testing and find out the sex and everything seems to be going well only to be stabbed in the heart again.  And I know a lot of it is him doing everything he can to get me through it and kindof putting his on feelings on hold for a bit until he can process it.  Just some shitty, shitty stuff.  Hugs to you too lady

stinybean

I'm sorry that you are up to the point where you need to have this conversation. I would like to offer many ((((HUGS)))) !

daystardreams

We briefly discussed this after my D&C. He stated at the time that if we ever lost another he was done. That was a pretty emotional day but I agreed with him at the time. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

mflowers929

What a horrible conversation to have to have. I'm so sorry that anyone has to get to that point, but it's good when we're comfortable enough to discuss it with our SO's.

We've only had the one loss thus far, but we actually had a conversation about it before we got married. Losses unfortunately run in my family - nothing we ever do can be easy, I swear. We haven't set a number or anything, but he has told me that if we have problems, we'll adopt. I'm sure that if the time ever comes that we have to make that decision that it will be heartbreaking, but at least we have a plan.

purplehaze11

I'm sorry you've had to Start thinking about it we had a brief conversation after my last loss, and have decided to curb it for now, as we are both willing to try one more time. All my testing has shown nothing, but if we have another loss I'm not sure what we will do.

meredithcarole

((Hugs)) That is not an easy conversation. I know I got really defensive when DH tried telling me how hard it was for him to watch me go through a mc (during the conversation it felt like he wasn't willing to try again). He is okay with trying again for now, but I am not sure what the breaking point would be for us. We have discussed that we would both be willing to adopt if it became apparent that this wasn't going to work in a biological sense, but I would be sad to have to say "I've had enought, I can't do this anymore." I am hoping your conversation puts you and H in a good place with each other and your journey. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

BethKate2

I'm sorry you're in this position to start thinking of this.

We've been having this conversation lately too. We're playing it by ear right now, but I think the consensus for right now is that we have one more year in us. We've been TTC for over two years and are just about to start treatment. I think if we do two IUIs and one or two IVFs in the next year and are unsuccessful, that might be it for us.

Km380

I'm so sorry you're at the point of this conversation. We haven't talked about it recently but, our last conversation was another loss, we try IVF. Another one after that, is the end. But if we do IVF soon without having gotten pg on our own, well we haven't talked about that scenario. (((Hugs))) I hope you can both be on the same page. More (((hugs)))

gscoville

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place. ((hugs))

Our situation is a bit different in that we've only had the one loss, but in discussions with my hubby I've come to realize how traumatic even just that one was for him.  He was the one who had to follow my sirens-on ambulance an hour into the city, and freak the fuck out when they stopped by the side of the highway at one point to stabilize me and he didn't know what was going on.  He was the one waiting and worrying for hours for my midnight emergency surgery to be done.  Of course I was the one physically going through all of this, but I don't know if having to watch and wait through it all is any easier on our guys, and given I was under sedation or general anaesthesia for much of it I wasn't even truly aware of all that was going on at the time, whereas he was the one wondering if he'd be losing his spouse that night.  I've found it's easy to forget where he might be at in all of this because I'm so good at expressing myself openly, crying when I need to, etc..  But precisely because he doesn't like to voice his feelings very openly, when he does I really have to sit up and pay attention, and give his side of things the weight it deserves.  Even if I might feel willing to keep trying, I may have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't and might never be ready again.  It's tough, but ultimately we're in this together, and we both have to be on the same page moving forward.

sunflwra

Thanks for your responses ladies. I really do appreciate it.  Obviously I'm really hoping that our next pregnancy is our rainbow and we never have to talk about this again, but I appreciate knowing that I can lean on you ladies if we do get there.  Big hugs to all of you lovely ladies as well

lyndz333

Sorry you are both facing such a shitty crossroads. I hope you can both find a place where you are comfortable moving forward.

ellebelle2384

Lots of hugs.  That is such a tough conversation to have.  DH and I have talked and decided we are only going to try once more on our own before moving to IVF with PGD.  Meaning if we have one more loss we'll take a shot at IVF with PGD since our RE thinks that would treat our issues.  If that ended in a loss I think we would be done.  We've gone through a lot together but each loss is more of a strain on our relationship and our family.  At some point I think we would just need to focus on each other and what we have.  ((hugs))

4N6s

I haven't discussed it since I've had one miscarriage but it's something I would never want to think about!
You have to do what you feel is right. I don't think anyone can make that decision for you!
I wish you the best.

peregrinefalconx

I'm sorry for everyone being in this boat. We've discussed it too recently and are going to marriage counseling next week to further discuss. He originally told me that he would stand by me no matter what I chose to do, unless I was hurting myself, but it has switched to age related deadlines and not wanting to live his life with the craziness of TTC, being P, then losing, then recovering, rinse, repeat. The kid thing is kind of non-negotiable in my mind (until I am ready to stop, of course). He can't just decide to stop (I don't think he will but his concerns need to be addressed and he needs to be and feel heard). Enter counselor. Professional guidance will be welcomed, even if it just means that the DH doesn't feel like his feelings are being steamrolled.