Virtual Showers

schnitz9

ordinary1 said:

First off, I don't care about age because age doesn't equal maturity. I know many people that are younger than me that are quite mature just like I know. Many people older than me that are immature. So if you're going to play the age game, I don't have the patience for that crap. Second of all, there is a difference between suggesting a donation to a specific cause and demanding one. It is the same with any other gift. If someone asks, what you need/want, suggesting donating to a certain charity or a certain item is fine/normal. Someone asking what you want/need and saying we are only accepting donations/whatever else item is tacky and rude, because it is telling someone how to spend their money. Third of all, no there are no written rules, but personally I would rather not offend a family member/friend by possibly making them feel uncomfortable.

This has been my point all along.  Why the big debate there are no rules.  We should all just be allowed to do what we want.  My point with age is not maturity it is in regards to experience.  Over the last 15 years that I have been attending these types of events as an actual planner, traditions have changed and they are ever evolving.  10 years ago no one would have ever thought of a virtual shower, there was no skype or widely used video chat.  Women are having children much older.  I went to my friend moms baby shower (yes her 51 year old mother had twins.) She had a shower because the last time she had a baby was 20 years prior.  I didn't find it tacky i thought it was great! We need to realize that times are rapidly changing.  So my point with you being 23 has nothing to due with  your maturity in no way and I'm sorry if that offended you.  But when you look back at yourself in 11 years you may see that what you think is in your terms "tacky" now may in-fact become the norm.

ordinary1

I agree that time changes, but etiquette shouldn't be thrown out the window. In real life, as well as the bump, I see many things that go against politeness. Some of these things are rude and will always be rude; one of which being told how to spend my money as a guest. If I am close enough to you to be invited to a shower for you (or really any other celebration), I am close enough to decide on a present I think you will like/enjoy. Being told how to spend my money makes me feel like I am funding something, not celebrating. Again, yes times change and virtual showers can be helpful to someone (or whatever other new thing), but the comfort of a guest shouldn't be compromised.

schnitz9

ordinary1 said:

I agree that time changes, but etiquette shouldn't be thrown out the window. In real life, as well as the bump, I see many things that go against politeness. Some of these things are rude and will always be rude; one of which being told how to spend my money as a guest. If I am close enough to you to be invited to a shower for you (or really any other celebration), I am close enough to decide on a present I think you will like/enjoy. Being told how to spend my money makes me feel like I am funding something, not celebrating. Again, yes times change and virtual showers can be helpful to someone (or whatever other new thing), but the comfort of a guest shouldn't be compromised.

HAHAHA...Ok my friends we actually telling people they didn't need to bring a gift at all. According to you it is rude to expect gifts and ask for them.  They were simply saying if you feel the need to spend money do so in a donation.  If was a suggestion not a requirement.  When you go to a funeral or see a death announcement,  it usually say in lieu of flowers the family is accepting donations to XYZ charity. Please don't tell me you find this tacky.   Same exact thing in my eyes.

ordinary1

The line of 'in lieu of gifts, the family would appreciate abc' is different than dictating. To me that is the same as putting a registry; it's a suggestion. I have seen people say we will only be accepting xyz and that is rude. I haven't been to many funerals and haven't really seen the in lieu of (and didn't use it when I planned my mom's), but I can see why people would suggest an alternative to flowers.

schnitz9

ordinary1 said:

The line of 'in lieu of gifts, the family would appreciate abc' is different than dictating. To me that is the same as putting a registry; it's a suggestion. I have seen people say we will only be accepting xyz and that is rude. I haven't been to many funerals and haven't really seen the in lieu of (and didn't use it when I planned my mom's), but I can see why people would suggest an alternative to flowers.

Yay we agree on something.  My friends were in no way dictating.  They were simply saying in lieu of gifts.  People still bought them gifts and they were still excited.  They just didn't want people to feel obligated to get something.  To them this was a celebration and a get together not a gift party. 

jaztastic

holachicaaa said:

I think people should also keep in mind that they might be offending people without knowing it, and putting things on a public forum like this can make you aware to faux pas you are not even sure you're doing (just to make clear, this is the universal "you"). For example, a person might not tell you in person that they are offended, but this is a way to look at things from all angles. Like I would tell my best friend that something was off, but not a random cousin. This also works in reverse. I had never heard of a virtual shower until The Bump, and now I see situations where it can really work.

@jaztastic, I think giving guests the option of donating to a cause is fantastic. I would be more than happy to donate to a friend's cause, but also might like to get her something small.

@foxslaw, generally people think things are "tacky" when someone is dictating how people spend their money or when it appears that events are held just for a gift. Games have nothing to do with that. I haven't been to a shower with games in years.

I hear you... but thats a slippery slope. Its almost impossible these days to do anything without offending someone. I think thats where the thought process of just do what makes you happy comes from.

In regards to donating... I wanted to mention it as a way to bring awareness, but opted to just go with my moms idea of simply donating on my own. 

jaztastic

@schnitz9 I am definitely having a party/get together. Its more like a reception than a shower. Im so tickled to finally have this baby and so are my friends and family. Like you, its been a long time coming getting to this point. Ive been with DH for 10yrs and married for 7.  

ordinary1

I agree with not always knowing what can be seen as tacky or offensive. When I first heard about books instead of a card, I thought what a cute idea. But then I talked to my grandma (and read on TB) that it is dictating guests how to spend their money. I never thought of it that way and frankly was embarrassed I had suggested it.

jaztastic

ordinary1 said:

I agree with not always knowing what can be seen as tacky or offensive. When I first heard about books instead of a card, I thought what a cute idea. But then I talked to my grandma (and read on TB) that it is dictating guests how to spend their money. I never thought of it that way and frankly was embarrassed I had suggested it.

 I think this is what bothers me most about the "tacky vs not tacky" debate. You didnt think anything was wrong. It wasnt offensive to you at all. It wasnt until someone else was offended that you became offended by it. 

Where as I am the type of person that if Im not offended, Im not offended. Talking to someone else about it doesnt make it offensive to me.  (Clearly we are only talking about baby shower stuff, and Im not saying that in life I dont care about what offends people) 

I guess everyone tries to push the boundaries and envelope on trying to be different and unique when it comes to throwing a party. Because as a woman, of 31, I cant tell you HOW many baby showers Ive been to. They all start to run together and become a PAIN after a while. So changing it up and seeing different themes, styles, sizes, makes them more enjoyable for someone like me. not really offended...  

ordinary1

It wasn't so much that someone found it offensive, but why it was found offensive or rude. Not everyone is going to agree on everything, but based the reasoning behind things is what does (or in some cases doesn't) give me pause.

jaztastic

@ordinary1  I can get behind that. 

BeckyP005

Oh my gosh the swing/shower story made me cry... Hugs...

jaztastic

@BeckyP005‌ thank you... It was a hard time, but it resulted in a precious godson I was able to pour my love in.