Telling older kids about a new baby

kneehighchaos

I have third grader twins and a first grader -- and just found out I am pregnant again (oops!). We haven't had any discussions about how babies are made, and I know this is going to come up when we give them the news. It's one thing to have the s-e-x talk all on its own... but wouldn't it be extra freaky for them to get this information in the context of their own parents having a baby? Like I almost feel bad for having to deal with it this way! Any advice or words of wisdom on how to explain all of this? We are usually very matter-of-fact and forthcoming when the kids have questions about difficult subjects, but I feel like I'm in over my head on this one. 

neverblushed

Well, it will only be "extra freaky" if you treat this topic like it's something dirty and shameful.  If you handle it in a matter-of-fact way that answers your kids' questions, it will seem like the most normal thing in the world to them.  

Here's how I would handle it:

When you're ready to make the announcement to them, just say, "Hey guys, we've got big, exciting news for you!  We're going to have a new baby in our family!  Mom is pregnant!  The baby will be here in Month."  Don't mention reproduction at that time unless it comes up.  It's likely that the kids' immediate questions will be more related to practical kid concerns like will the baby have its own room, will they have to share stuff with it, and who will stay with them while you are in the hospital.

Later, though, you can talk to them about the baby's development, and it will lead to questions about how babies are made.  At that time I would say it this way:  A baby starts when a cell from the mother and a cell from the father join into one cell.  Then that cell divides into two cells, then those two cells divide into four, and so on until there's a ball of cells that looks like a raspberry.  After that, the cells start to do different jobs, and when the cells divide, they also change so they can become the baby's different body parts. 

Your 3rd graders might ask how the cell from the dad and the mom get together.  When my kids got to this stage, I just said, "the cell from the dad is called a sperm and the cell from the mom is called an egg.  The dad puts his penis in the mom's vagina, and the sperm cells come out and travel through the uterus to where the egg from the mom is.  It's a hard journey for the sperm cells.  Only one special sperm will make it to the egg, and that's the sperm that will join with the egg to become the first cell of the new baby."

When you tell the part about the penis and vagina, the kids will probably say something like, "eww, that's gross!"  You can say, "I know this sounds gross when you hear about it the first time, but it's actually very normal and natural."   Don't get into sex and relationships.  Just stick strictly to reproduction at this stage.  A little later you can begin to talk to them about how this biology lesson connects to sexuality, emotions, relationships, and morals.

You might want to tell this part to the 3rd graders even if they don't bring it up, because I can guarantee you there are kids in school with them who already know this stuff and who may be talking about it in ways that ARE freaky.  You want your kids to get the message that this stuff is private but natural and normal.  Use your best judgment with the first grader, depending on his/her maturity and how much the older kids are likely to talk about this to their younger sibling.  If the 6 year old asks, it's not too early to have this conversation.  My kids were 6 or 7 when we talked about it with them.

HTH!

ppants

I have 3rd grade b/g twins.  We've talked about reproduction over the years.  They've know for a long time (since around 3.5 yrs) that it's an egg and a sperm that make a baby.  At that time, they asked about how they came out of my "belly".  I explained the baby comes out through the vagina.  They've also know that a baby grows in the mom's uterus. 

We left it at that for a while and answered questions as they came up.  About a year ago, it was asked about how the sperm and egg meet.  I took a breath and said the penis goes into the vagina and that's how the sperm are released.  They'll meet the egg and the cells will divide and baby will form.  In previous conversations, we've talked about birth control in the fact that DD said before that she doesn't want to have children.  I said you can take a pill if you want.

This summer, we were in the car and we were talking about babies.  They asked about how their DC teacher could be pregnant, but not married.  I explained that there are consequences to having sex (a word I don't recall using before), and pregnancy is a possible consequence from sex.  They asked about what sex was and I explained again that a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina.  They were both like "eww, gross".  DD said she'll never have sex.  I said you don't *have* to have sex.  It's a choice you make when you are older.  I also said that a man can put a cover on his penis also to prevent pregnancy.  We talked about the pill again to prevent pregnancy.  I also talked about how emotions are involved in sex and it's a big decision to make.  I also said to please ask me if you have any questions about it or their own bodies. 

We've haven't talked about it in that much detail again, but I plan on answering questions in a honest, matter of fact way as they come up.  Very soon, we'll have to have a more in depth talk about it I'm sure.  I work in the medical field (nuclear medicine technologist) so it's been important to me that they know the proper names of their parts and how they work.

@neverblushed Care to fill me in on the what 3rd graders know stuff??

neverblushed

ppants said:

@neverblushed Care to fill me in on the what 3rd graders know stuff??

Example:  my DD had a friend at that age who came from a very traditional/conservative family.  I'm pretty sure the mother told this child nothing about where babies come from, based on things I've overheard from the kid and how conservative her mom was about other stuff.  

The result was that the kid was really curious about anything related to people's private parts and sex.  Since she didn't have the real facts, she had cobbled together information based on movies, TV, and stuff she'd heard from her older sister's friends.  In situations like sleepovers, this friend would attempt to pass off her bogus info as facts to other kids.

An example of the type of thing this kid would say would be something like, "I heard a guy's peenie can get big because it blows up with air.  It could get so big it explodes!"  She was full of this crap, and I was forever having to reassure my kid that this stuff was nonsense. 

Thankfully, my kid went to another elementary school and they drifted apart before middle school!