We put the fun in dysfunctional!

ReeceFamily

Anyone want to vent with me? This will be long: Things had been improving with DH since he was on his new meds...until suddenly they weren't.  He's in school, which has been causing friction in our marriage because he hasn't been studying for his classes, but still expects me to take on 95% of parenting duties so that he can "study" (i.e., play video games.)  If I say anything, he won't study because he reacts against me "nagging."  By this month, he realized that his procrastination was going to result in him having insufficient credits completed to meet his term requirements. He fell into an emotional pit and hasn't climbed out since.  I am having trouble feeling sympathetic because...procrastination!  Is it a result of his mental instability?  Maybe, but at some point he has to take responsibility for his actions.

So last weekend he went over to his friend's house to watch the Raiders' game for a few hours...and came back like 6 hours later totally drunk and climbed in bed to sleep it off.  I was fine with this, he needs to blow off steam (it's rare for him to drink) but given that he had a nice free day I thought I would ask for a girls' night out since I LITERALLY have not been out without the baby (except for work) since March.  His answer?  An angry "I'll think about it" and stomping out of the room.  I followed him and this resulted in a conservation in which I was told that I am selfish, that I am the only one that gets my needs met in the relationship, that it is my fault he can't study (because I stress him out) and that there is no positive side to our relationship, I am a source of stress, period. Also, I don't love him and I don't listen to him EVER.  I know he was speaking in anger, but I am so sick of taking his crap.  We've barely spoken since, and I refuse to approach him and apologize, etc., like I always do.  I'm NOT sorry.

I'm giving it a couple months, and he is starting actual counseling next week which could help, but I'm thinking that this is not a relationship I want to be in, since it's not really a relationship at all. He doesn't want to do marriage counseling until he is "done" with personal counseling (which could be years).  I am going away for work Sun through Wed, and he will be watching DD.  It will be interesting to see what happens.

Also - my mom is in town to help while I am traveling for work and offered to watch DD last night while I went to grab a drink with a friend (since DH has made it clear he doesn't really want me to go out for some reason).  Again the first time since March I have been out without DD!  It was lovely. I got back an hour and a half later to hear DD screaming upstairs in dad's arms, and for some reason my mom had broken down and was sitting in the dark on the couch drinking wine, I guess because DD was crying?  And DH wouldn't speak to me (which is fine because he's already not speaking to me).  

I don't know what's happening, but my family seems to be breaking down before my eyes.

Anyhoo - how are you guys?

OhBaby+2013

Hugs. I'm not really sure what else I can say. You are way stronger than me. I hope things get better for you soon.

Mom2anAngel2

((HUGS)). I hope that everything works out, whatever that may be. I wish you happiness, strength and peace.

URMySunshine77

I'm so sorry that things have backslid. I hope that you can find peace in a resolution soon. Sending hugs tonight.

OakTreeMommy

It all sounds like too much. I'm sorry that your dealing with this right now and I really hope things get better for you soon. I'm sorry I can't remember if you've mentioned this before but have you considered counselling for yourself? My DH and I went to counselling when his mom was having a "break down" for lack of a better term. We didn't understand what was happening to her or how to handle it and it really helped us. It might be helpful for you to have a professional give you some information or insight into what could possibly be going on with your DH and hopefully suggestions for how to handle him and what to do next. 

ambmama

Hugs, I'm so sorry things have broken down again! I almost posted a vent about h today and decided against it, but totally understand the doing 95% of everything and still being treated like you do nothing. It's really hard and it's a question I ask myself quite a bit - is it really worth it? I really hope things go well while your away for work - definitely go out for a drink to two while you're away! Good luck to you!

URMySunshine77

ClaryPax said:

Hugs.  DH and I have our ups and downs, but I can somewhat communicate with him.  I think we are OK as long as he is not too stressed. 

I like the suggestion of counseling for yourself to figure out what you want and help you through the process. 

@ClaryPax: I so understand you here.

Chappy_jr

I, too, want to offer a big hug.  My DH went through a crazy emotional pit last year - quit his job with no notice and didn't look for one for 6 months (although he lies and says he did), picked fights, accused me of being selfish and a bad mother, asked ME to leave HIM, etc., etc.  He did reach out for counseling but never went and I was almost ready to call for an appointment for myself. 

It. was. hard.

It had everything to do with his feeling inadequate (and thus, resulted in a self-fulfilling prophecy) but he has been better since he got a job that pays more than his last - and almost as much as mine.  He's happier than he's been in years and we're now able to talk calmly about the things he was doing and saying last year.

Since I've been there, I suggest making yourself your number one priority (though you'll get accused of being selfish).  Make sure that you're meeting your own personal, social, spritual needs because you'll need them to stand through this storm.  When you need time, see if your mom will watch the kid at her house.  Encourage your husband to do things he is good at and enjoys (school doesn't seem like one of those right now), maybe fixing things around the house, grilling,  whatever can give him a sense of pride. And encourage his attending counseling, though you could use couples counseling don't push it until he is comfortable with his own, because it is really hard for a man to admit he needs help but to admit he needs two counselors, forget it!

Enjoy your time away! 

ReeceFamily

Thanks ladies. I have a fabulous counselor, who I had to take a break from until DD was done with daily swim lessons.ill start up again in October. Honestly I'm not sure if I care if the marriage lasts right now. I have fantasies about living a peaceful life on my own, throwing parties again, not dealing with the stress of DH. I'm doing a lot of reading on the subject and will put off any decisions until after the holidays. Anyway, the advice and hugs help, so thank you!!!!!

spainy17

I am so sorry mama.  You sound like you have a good perspective and are taking care of yourself which is good.  Just focus on your DD and what is best for the two of you.  And vent here

DCKate

Ugh. I am the first person to be sensitive to and understanding of mental illness. But, I am also a mom. Keep putting yourself and LO first. We are here for you, so vent away:)

ambmama

@ReeceFamily‌ you're so strong to put it until after the holidays. I, too, fantasize about peaceful days and boring nights! I probably would have done something about it except: my worst part of the day is when h comes home, but DS's favorite part of the day is when he comes home. Makes it so hard! Hugs and I'm here to chat!

ReeceFamily

@ambmama, yes I struggle with this too! But have been reading studies that indicate that kids are sometimes better off in single parent homes that are happy rather than intact but unhappy marriages...so I'm keeping that in perspective. I remember you had some pretty heavy drama with YH a few months back. Is it better?

bennikki

Hugs mama!  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I echo a pp that said, school is probably not the place for your DH to figure out his stuff.  You are a strong woman!  I hope you find those happy and healthy days ahead!

jobiann

I'm a firm believer that kids are way happier in a single parent happy household then a two parent unhappy one. Kids are smart, they know what is going on. The two parent/unhappy household situation scarred two of my nephews. They are 16 and 13 now and have no confidence, hate confrontation and cannot be in an kind of stressful situations. My sister now deeply regrets not getting herself and the boys out of the verbally abusive and neglectful relationship. 

Listen to your gut. If you have given it your all, then make a plan of what's best for you and DD. Just be sure to consult an attorney first and figure out what his custody/visitation will be. You want to be sure you are comfortable with her alone with him. I have a friend who is literally stuck in her marriage because she won't leave him because he will get part time custody of the two kids. He is an alcoholic and she is worried he will "take" them drinking with him. She won't risk there lives, she feels at least this way she is with them 100% of the time. It's very sad, she is a wonderful person and doesn't deserve to live the life she is living. 

Hugs to you Mama, I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you.