Change in child care plans? Now?!

silliegirlie143

DH and I had our child care all figured out: he got laid off from work, we are planning on moving right before I go back to work, and he'd be SAHD because we would be able to afford a single-income lifestyle in the new place. We'd also be able to fulfill our dream of being homeowners... Finally!! Everything was copacetic!

Then (gosh darn him!) he went and got a new job. In all seriousness, I'm totally stoked that he was able to find work. Two incomes right now will be a huge financial blessing... And it will be good that he has an income when I go out on unpaid leave. 

However, he's now decided that he doesn't want to quit his new job when I go back to work. So we're left wondering what to do for day care. His parents have offered to help us. Obviously this means we all need to sit down and iron out details, but here are my concerns: 

- If he keeps this job, this means we can't move and we definitely cannot afford to be single-income... Nor can we afford to buy our own home (home ownership on two incomes in our current area is totally out of the question)

- "help" to me means 1-2 days a week or for a few hours so he can have a break, not 12-hr/day newborn care every day while we both work

- His parents are getting up there in age so I'm not sure I really feel comfortable leaving full time child care on them

- His mom and I have a rocky relationship. While I am thrilled that the baby being with them means the baby will be cared for by someone who loves her, I do NOT want that much involvement/opinions on our life on a consistent basis

- I work out-of-state midweek, every week and, at the risk of sounding psychotic/paranoid, I just know my IL's will spend every interaction with my DH trying to talk him out of moving. When we're both there it's harder for them to keep up the pressure. When he's on his own, I'm afraid he'll blow up at them... Then where will we be for help?

- My IL's don't have the best track record for respecting the child rearing ideals of their other children so of course I feel like there will be constant battles over getting them to respect our wishes when it comes to raising our child, especially if I'm gone a lot...

Honest opinions needed:

Am I being ungrateful for the offer to help?

Anyone who has experience with family helping with child care: did you have similar anxiety while making arrangements?

Anyone have to find child care at this point (I'll be back at work in February)? Did you find many places closed to you due to long wait lists, or were you able to find availability pretty easily?

I've already been feeling very stressed that I won't be done with the things I need to get done before LO arrives... Now with this added on top, I feel on the verge of hyperventilating...  

angeltennis3

1) breathe :-)

2) it may be a challenge to find a daycare facility, but there is no harm in asking around. I would make a list and start calling.

3) you also have the option of an in home daycare facility. Does your area have a local "moms" Facebook group you could ask? I see women in my city post there all the time looking for daycare recommendations.

4) as far as your ILs watching your child, i completely understand it is harder to approach them about respecting your decisions as a parent to make see they take care of your LO the way you want. I would just make sure you set realistic expectations. For example, if you plan to EBF, it would be 100% unacceptable for them to give formula to your LO. so they need to be aware of that boundary. However, maybe you aren't crazy about the way they rock LO to sleep. To me, that's less of a deal breaker. You have to keep in mind even a daycare wouldn't do things just as mom and dad do, either, so you need to determine what is important vs preference.

The other thing to consider is the ILs helping can be temporary. Accept their help until you find a more permanent daycare solution and then switch LO to daycare full time. Really for a while outside of making sure LO is safe and fed, your ILs car undermine your parenting choices til baby is older.

My mom is going to watch our LO one day a week and it makes me nervous, yes. But, I also need to take my own advice and make sure my mom and I are on the same page about what is important. I know my mom loves her granddaughter so she will never put her in harms way. Sure, she may make different decisions than I would, but that doesn't necessarily mean that either of us is wrong!

Good luck!!!!

golfingdarwinfish

If you have all these concerns, and you can afford daycare or a nanny, I would just opt for that route.  Or, daycare/nanny 4 days a week and your ILs one day.  

For me, it's easier to have LO with a nanny, and that is what we will be doing.  I live in the NYC area so there tends to be very long wait lists for daycare centers, but every area is different.  Start scheduling tours now!

MrMrsandBaby

You lost me...were you planning on moving out of state?  Why would you not be able to afford a home with MORE income?  My first suggestion would be to talk with DH and make a solid decision on if you are moving or not.  Nothing else can really happen until that decision is made.  Then, go from there.  One decision at a time.  Start searching daycare if you don't move - if nothing else you will need backup care if your IL's can't watch the baby one day or they are sick or something.

And I agree...Breathe!

ss265

I remember feeling overwhelmed when looking for childcare for my first. Depending on what state you live in, you might be able to find a list of licensed day care centers/in home day cares online and even look into their performance on surprise inspections. 

I live in Texas and easily found a list of licensed centers/in homes near me and then narrowed it down by looking at their inspection reports. I then visited my top 3 choices with a list of questions and picked the center I did based on proximity to my home (some people prefer child care closer to work but for us, closer to home was better) and the "feeling" I got from visiting the center. I put down a deposit in July for care in January so 6 months out but depending on where you live, you might be able to get into a place sooner. 

You can try lurking on the Working Moms board - they get lots of child care related questions. 

Regarding family caring for your LO, that's a tough one. Based on your post, it sounds like you already have a lot of concerns around this and not having confidence in your child care will be super stressful once you return to work. Yes, they might do things differently just like a day care will but it's much harder to instruct family to change how they do things than it is to tell a day care. And having a back up plan if they can't care for your child at the last minute is key as well. 

Good luck! I'm sure that everything will work out. 

RMiller25

My MIL watched DS for a few days a week for about two years. There were definite pros and cons to the situation. She loves him, very much, and the savings from only using part time daycare were awesome. But she wasn't good at keeping to a schedule and we had a few issues (like with her feeding him formula when I was providing breast milk, she told me she thought he "didn't like it", we got that cleared up but it was definitely an issue!). I also didn't like that she was becoming more of a disciplinarian with him, even times when I was around, and that wasn't the sort of relationship I wanted him to have with his grandmother.

We went ahead and put him in full-time daycare this spring. DH still feels guilty about "taking him away from her" but it really has eased some tensions between her and me. You have to do what is right for your family. But I'll echo everyone else, just breathe. We had no trouble finding a part-time spot in a daycare for DS and we didn't start looking until he was born.

MsMacual

It sounds like you have a lot of reservations about having your ILs care for your child.  I agree with the other mommy's who suggested having outside care most of the time and using your ILs one day per week or just when you need a someone outside of work hours.

How much time you need to find care is going to depend a lot on your area, budget, and what type of care you are looking for (center, licensed in home, nanny, etc).  With our first, I knew we would go with a center and toured when I was around 32-34 weeks.  I knew that centers were more likely to have an infant opening so I wasn't super worried about starting our search closer to when we were due.  I put in our deposit at the center we chose when our son was a week old.  Infant spots in licensed in home day cares are much harder to find (like our provider only takes kids under 1 from her exisiting families).  We moved our son to a licensed in home when he was 14 mo and it took me about 2-3 mo to find an opening with a provider whose hours worked with our needs.  I would start looking now for a Feb opening so you know that you have something lined up.

AmandaJean12

I totally agree you need to make a moving/job decision before you get too hung up on child care. That changes everything.

But as for being ungrateful, I really don't think so. If one day a week or something feels ok that could make your in laws feel included, but personally I hate having to make business-y arrangements with friends and family. They can get messy, so I wouldn't feel bad about looking elsewhere.

KelliRR

I'm in a similar boat as far as the last minute daycare planning, though no offer of help from anyone, so I'm not sure if that is more or less stressful. My work let me know at 33 weeks they won't be able to bring me back after maternity leave full time (but no indication whether it will be half-time, 3/4, etc.), and I don't think it makes sense with our budget to pay for daycare for only part time, so I've put off even looking until after the babe gets here and I know what my work will do as far as my schedule. I have unfirm plans for the first few weeks from a friend who is unemployed, but may find work by the time I need help. I would normally freak out about all this, but every thing else has been so stressful that all my freak out-energy is tapped out. Just trying to relax these last few weeks. Not sure this makes you feel better, but know you aren't the only one with this dilemma.

atraveller

I think the other PPs who have posted have offered a lot of great advice - the best one being - breathe! We haven't figured out our full child care plans yet either, if that means anything and I go back in mid-January.  And we are in the same boat, having my MIL take on some of the childcare when I go back, and then planning a part-time nanny for other days - we're going to do the mad dash search for the nanny, Oct/Nov. 

Have you thought about a nanny? Even if you do one part-time, that will allow you to split the time with your IL's and can use that time to find a day care situation down the line if you prefer daycare. And in terms of your inlaws - I guess you just have to set boundaries as best you can and give in some areas and set down the law in others. That's kind of how I'm dealing with my MIL. 

Just some thoughts....good luck and hope you are able to figure it all out. Look on the bright side -its a good thing your husband getting a job and it doesn't  mean you can't move in the future if you absolutely want to move....The extra money for the time being, might even help with that.

Eastie156

MrMrsandBaby said:

You lost me...were you planning on moving out of state?  Why would you not be able to afford a home with MORE income?  My first suggestion would be to talk with DH and make a solid decision on if you are moving or not.  Nothing else can really happen until that decision is made.  Then, go from there.  One decision at a time.  Start searching daycare if you don't move - if nothing else you will need backup care if your IL's can't watch the baby one day or they are sick or something.

And I agree...Breathe!

I don't understand not being able to afford a home with more income, either. Is the COL so outrageous where you are that you were planning to move far from where you were?

Also, it doesn't really sound like you want your IL's watching your child. I'd take them up on their offer for help, but I'd start researching daycares, in-home and center as well as nannies, right away. It sounds like they'd be great backup but not a full time constant thing.

silliegirlie143

Eastie156 said:

MrMrsandBaby said:

You lost me...were you planning on moving out of state?  Why would you not be able to afford a home with MORE income?  My first suggestion would be to talk with DH and make a solid decision on if you are moving or not.  Nothing else can really happen until that decision is made.  Then, go from there.  One decision at a time.  Start searching daycare if you don't move - if nothing else you will need backup care if your IL's can't watch the baby one day or they are sick or something.

And I agree...Breathe!

I don't understand not being able to afford a home with more income, either. Is the COL so outrageous where you are that you were planning to move far from where you were?

Also, it doesn't really sound like you want your IL's watching your child. I'd take them up on their offer for help, but I'd start researching daycares, in-home and center as well as nannies, right away. It sounds like they'd be great backup but not a full time constant thing.

I should have been more specific: even with two incomes in our current state we cannot afford a home. COL in our current state is astronomical. We may not even be able to afford daycare without financial aid if we stay here...

We were planning on moving out of state since prices are much more reasonable. Also, we were slated to start house hunting in December so we can move while I'm still out on leave.

I guess a part of me is grieving the loss of that possibility, too...

DH talked to his parents again last night and they reiterated their offer to watch the baby full time. Aside from having differing opinions of child rearing making me hesitant to take their help, I want his parents to be able to enjoy being grandparents, not raising my kid.

silliegirlie143

Thanks ladies for the insights. I appreciate the feedback

Now that I've had a night to sleep on it I have a better prospective: let the IL's watch the baby in the meantime... When we do move we'll be far away and looking back we will be glad they got to spend so much quality time with the LO.

Oh... And I'm making sure I'm breathing.