Husband not ready?

cbmikk

This week was my ovulation week. I got 4 positive tests( which I knew I would) and I told my husband it's go time. He wanted to know when my days were so we could try. Well not that my days are here he doesn't want to try at all. He says he's tired or not into it. Should I just not tell him next time? Should we wait longer to give him more time?

beemaya83

Oh my, I'm sorry to read about this. It must be a little frustriating. It sounds like there may be more than being tired. Talk to DH and see if he can spill the beans. My DH tends to stress out more when he knows we need to "do it" because I'm ovulating. I think it just puts pressure on him and takes the romance out of the whole thing. If after you talk to DH and he says he still wants a baby,  maybe next time, if you know you are ovulating, don't say anything and just have sex. This may take a bit off of pressure.

mflowers929

Definitely talk to YH about it. As PP said, it does put a lot of pressure on a guy when they have to perform "on demand" as it were. MH is pretty good about it, but there's been a few times when I'm literally naked on top of him (sorry, TMI!) and I'm like "you're not into this, are you?".

But yes, sometimes not mentioning it does help lol

negritosmami

yea my husband didnt say the words but after doing it every other day for my entire "fertile week" (just in case...im not temping yet) on the final day i could DEFINITELY tell the pressure was on for him..and i can imagine it must be hard. Can you imagine if ur husbands dreams depended on you climaxing but u have a headache and just want to sleep? dont take it personally..its very hard for them as PP's said.

PinkCamino

ktlovess said:

I'm sorry. You can't force your husband to be ready if he isn't.

Not to be a stickler for TTCAL protocol, but you haven't posted at all here since your introduction back on August 12. TTCAL works as a community, meaning that we give support to get it back. This means commenting on other people's posts, participating in check ins, and being present on the board so others can get to know you. We are all busy, but we take the time to be active participants.

Although I agree that TTCAL is a give an take community I'm not sure if it's always the best idea to point it out. OP isn't a serial thread starter so maybe her intention is to give support Kwim? Pointing it out might just chase her away from the community.

Km380

Yep been there. It's so frustrating I'm sorry. After our 2nd loss it got to the point where we couldn't have sex in our bedroom bc mh was feeling too pressured even though he was ready to try. We also got to the point of fights happening like clockwork around the fw. Definitely talk to YH, if he is not ready then don't force it. I'm mobile so I can't see siggy or check intro, if your loss was recent he might need more time. My other advice is ask him if he just doesn't want to know. That was our solution and it helped with the pressure and for us to reconnect intimately. And lingerie! I'm rambling but one last thought - I made a conscious effort to be intimate and seduce mh during non fertile times too.

Belle0720

I think a lot of women can probably relate to this.

The first (and only) month we tried I got my positive OPK and told H let's go! He was definitely into it. But then later that night I wanted to go for round 2 and he nearly turned me down(which never happens!). I think the whole science of it probably took a little bit of fun out of it for him. Instead of just wanting him, it was obvious that I was into it more because I want a baby. So I spiced things up a bit and he decided he wasn't too tired anymore.

I think it can be a lot of pressure for men. I'd talk to him about it so you know how to approach him next cycle. Maybe he thought he'd want to know when you're ovulating but when the time came it freaked him out a bit. As long as he is on board with TTC, instead of 'alerting' him when it's time, I think it's okay to just go for it.

rslh10

@ktlovess‌ I was going to say the same thing. I have no idea who the OP is.

buggirl72

OP, welcome back to the board. 

I'm confused on what you mean by "doesn't want to try at all."  Is your husband now saying that he does not want to TTC? If that is the case, remember that it was probably very traumatic when he had to rush you to the emergency room and that he may have a lot of fear about losing you on top of still grieving over the loss of your first pregnancy.

I think the best thing you can do is to sit down and talk with your husband. Make sure that the both of you are on the same page about TTC. If you are, he may wish to take a more relaxed approach. You are newlyweds. Enjoy this time together and, maybe NTNP, may be your best course over the next few months.

LizBlue

Hi OP, welcome back. After four+ years of dealing with IF, my husband actually said out loud that he would rather spend $15,000 to have a doctor knock us up than keep trying during my fertile window because it became so stressful. He was half kidding, but only half. As others have said, I think it's better to open the lines of communication now.

Remaining intimate, happy and healthy while having difficulty conceiving is hard work. Be sure to express your feelings to your hubby and make sure he feels able to express his feelings to you. And by all means, try to keep a sense of humor when possible.

Good luck to you. ((Hugs))

LizBlue

RE: board protocol - I know how much @ktlovess‌ cares about this board and I take her comment in that spirit.

Personally, for me, I air on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt and I try to model behavior of giving support and being kind rather than telling people they have to, KWIM? Unless someone is a total douchecanoe- then all bets are off.

But this board works because we self govern in a way. We all react differently and I think that's why the board works.

Good talk, shut up now LizBlue.

eliida

Nothing new to add, just ((hugs)).

lyndz333

Like a ton of PP have mentioned, hubs is probably just feeling the pressure.  Find a way to make it enjoyable and fun instead of a means to an end.  I need to take my own advice. Ha!

RNMoMmy17

I agree with what most everyone has said so far. My DH has said to me how the pressure of the "window" is stressful and can be a turn off. He can tell that I try too hard during that time. That was hard to hear  We aren't always in the mood either but we all know when we need to get busy! Talk to him and make sure he's still ready to TTC and if so come up with a game plan together to make it more interesting or, don't tell him when the window is, just get your sexy on! :-*

 

sgarmand

I think it's safe to say that generally, the science behind baby making usually turns our DH's off. They want the hot side of it! Not the side where we pee on everything in sight (unless anyone's DH is into that, not here to judge). But in my experience, my DH will talk a little about my FW and possible O days with me, but then he seems to get mad. Which I realize now is him feeling pressured/stressed/turned off.

Communication is gonna be your solution here, and maybe a lack of communication when it comes to your cycle details if that's what YH needs!

You have us to come spill about TTC to! That's what I have to do since my DH doesn't want to hear about it near as much as I talk about it.

cbmikk

@CFearsy‌ thank you for that. At first I did have a hard time finding the correct board to post on. I have replied to other people but I don't really know how to work this whole thing. Both times I've posted I have felt yelled at by people. But I am here for advice and to give it. We are all in this together. Thank you for the kindness and advice.

cbmikk

The hubs and I talked and we seem to be on the same page for next month (if I'm not pregnant already)

kreardon11

My DH sometimes needs to know when I'm O - helps him prepare. We also had a very difficult time grieving, so I wonder sometimes if he's emotionally ready. Perhaps your DH is still dealing with emotions from the past? Just a thought. 

If all else fails, I get some sexy things to wear. That usually does the trick ((hugs))

buggirl72

cbmikk said:

@CFearsy‌ thank you for that. At first I did have a hard time finding the correct board to post on. I have replied to other people but I don't really know how to work this whole thing. Both times I've posted I have felt yelled at by people. But I am here for advice and to give it. We are all in this together. Thank you for the kindness and advice.

I'm sorry you felt yelled at. Nobody was mean to you in either post. Please go back to your original intro and read the responses that were given after you apologized for being on the "wrong" board. You will see you were not only invited to stay but also told that we have many members who are avoiding for nor reason or another.