My Mother... Need advice... (long)

LindsMichelle

I am a 26 year old woman, who will be 27 before the year end, and 27 when I birth this baby... And I am single. I've been dealing with the father for about 6 months, but we are not together - and won't be just for this baby, or likely any time soon...

I told my mother yesterday with a photo of my ultrasound and heartbeat that she was going to be a grandmother. Her response? 'That had better be a puppy.' And she has not mentioned it, or answered anything regarding it since. She's called and spoken to me since, but not about that, or texted me, but not about that... emailed, but guess what? Not about that...

I was pregnant once before, at 24, in a long term relationship, and got the same type of reaction - but she didn't really like the guy (go figure it didn't work out anyway) but it ended in a miscarriage, of which I got not support or sympathy from her.

I really am not sure how to deal with this. I've sent the long text (we really only communicate that way... she's more like a sister than mother, maybe that's the problem?) about how I'm not in high school, I'm not 20, 21, 22, etc. where I just got pregnant and I'm so young and not ready for this... I've been looking forward to having a family for as long as I can remember.

I am EXCITED about this baby, and that everything seems to be going well - symptoms, and heartbeats, all of which I didn't have last time... I planned to tell her at 12 weeks, but decided to tell her now because I got so excited after hearing the heartbeat, I wanted to share that with her - that's what mothers are for, or so I thought. Now I really just wish I had kept it to myself.

She was 20 when she got pregnant with me, 21 when she had me... by a man who was married and pulled the whole 'I'm leaving her for you' for a few years leading up to baby bump, then she walked away - me in tow. It's not about judging her, but I feel like I've already bypassed where I could have 'followed in her footsteps' over having a baby at a very young age, or with a married man for Christ sake...

I could really use any advice or opinions on how the hell I can handle her. Most moms get excited over the idea of being a grandmother. The father of this babies mother is EXCITED... why can't mine be? 

20thirteen

I am so sorry you're going through this with her.  My mom's reaction (she's a super Christian) was just "Whatever you do, I hope you don't abort this baby.  It's against your faith and upbringing" (upbringing, maybe, but she doesn't realize we don't share the same faith). But then we didn't talk about it again until I was about 6.5-7mo pregnant. I saw/see my mom all the time, and it hurt to not be able to talk about this with her for that long because BD wouldn't talk to me about it, and I was doing all the research about everything on my own.

Maybe your mom just needs time to let it sink in, maybe her issue isn't that you're too young for children (because you're not) but that you'd be single like she was?  Or that she's envious that you're older than she was when she had you and she lost her "party years" when you got to experience yours?  I'm also assuming she doesn't like this baby's father either?  That could also be her problem.  My mom strongly did not like my DD's BD.

I hope she comes around and starts supporting you.  Also, I hope you stick around, we're a pretty tight group and (hopefully) a good source of support.

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tig594

Ditto previous posters.  Give her some time.  It may not happen over night or next month or whatever.  But I'd bet when she sees you're belly grow or her tiny grandchild her attitude might change.  She probably knows all about how hard it is being a single parent and doesn't wish that on you.  

JoJoPlus2

I agree with the previous posters. Give her time to come around on her own. My mom was livid when I told her I was pregnant with my first son and I couldn't even mention him around her. She reluctantly agreed to go to the gender ultrasound with me and the father and I think that's when she finally started getting excited. I actually saw tears of joy in her eyes. Don't give up hope. I hope she comes around soon for you. And we are always here to gush to and share yout excitement too!! (((HUGS)))

LongIslandMama1114

My mom did not like this baby's father at all. She knew he wasn't as great as I saw him to be ("love" is blind"). She wasn't jumping for joy at first. She needed time. Now this baby is all she talks about and she's already spoiling him rotten.

Just give her time. She'll come around. In the mean time, we're all here for you! :x

LindsMichelle

Thank you ladies. It's appreciated.

I told my grandmother (76 years old) day before yesterday, and even her reaction was better... she wasn't super excited - because of course in HER DAY you got married, etc... but she asked questions... who is he? Where does he live? What does he do? etc etc etc.

She asked my mother about it and apparently she just shut it down with 'I don't want to talk about it right now.' Le sigh. She'll talk to me about anything else though.

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LindsMichelle

I don't know what is considered a single mom on this board I guess. I'm not with the father, we aren't in a relationship - but we are very close, and may grow into one in the future.

I will be giving birth and living in Florida, where he is, so that he can help support, etc the baby. When I say single mother - I suppose I mean that I am just that, single... but not that I will be going the whole journey alone. 

20thirteen

LindsMichelle said:

I don't know what is considered a single mom on this board I guess. I'm not with the father, we aren't in a relationship - but we are very close, and may grow into one in the future.

I will be giving birth and living in Florida, where he is, so that he can help support, etc the baby. When I say single mother - I suppose I mean that I am just that, single... but not that I will be going the whole journey alone. 

You're close with the father, that's fine.  You're not in a relationship, you're a single mom.  For now.  But also, I'm in a relationship with a man who is not the father of my child, who has been there for my baby since day one.  Him and I actually began dating when I was about 8mo/8.5mo preggo (note: I've known him for years).  Technically speaking, I'm not a single mom.  But I was on this board the moment BD and I broke up and I had assumed I wouldn't be dating for a very long time.  And I like these girls.  We're a blunt, straight-forward crowd of support.  You're welcome to be here, we just assumed the father wasn't going to be around.

With that said, I agree with @becwheat that she may not be excited that you're having a baby and not in a relationship with the father, a single mother.  She probably knows a bigger struggle than you will know.  And if things don't pan out with the father, maybe she's thinking about what will happen with you and the LO.   She needs time.  Let her have that time.  Like I said, my mom was not at all excited at first.  But now, she's over every weekend and telling me how glad she is that I didn't put DD up for adoption (which was the original plan) and watching DD every chance she gets.  I can't guarantee that you will have the same outcome, but it took my mom several months before we were able to discuss my pregnancy and the plan for the baby.

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