Help- Update on work stress, unsupportive boss. Need advice.

Lmsq1611

So I have been experiencing a lot of stress with work.  We have a new VP who is making some changes that are basically resulting in me receiving a demotion.  I have not yet been told why this is happening, only that my interim promotion is ending and that it is NOT because of the pregnancy.  No other reason yet given.  They will also be bringing back a very toxic employee to work with me who I had replaced two years ago.  She caused a lot of drama in the past and the thought of working with her makes me feel sick.  On top of that I have been struggling with a lot of morning sickness and early in the pregnancy was also having migraines.  I have called in sick a few times since June all pregnancy related but my being sick has not been well received at work and has been questioned more than once.  I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety about work, about whether my position is secure, if I am being judged negatively for having sickness during my pregnancy and what the future holds for me.  Now anytime that I do miss work I feel so much guilt that I often break into tears over the thought of having to call in.  Just for the record I am not someone who cries frequently and even during pregnancy I have not been crying over other things.  

Last week when I went to the doctor for a check up she asked about work stress and I kinda tried to brush it off.  I don't know why I did that.  I just feel like everyone has stress and why make a big deal about it, but then I talked to my husband and started reading up on how stress can affect pregnancy and decided to call my doctor back.  When I explained the anxiety and even depression surrounding work that I feel the nurse asked that I come in for an appointment as soon as possible.  I went in yesterday but only met with the NP. She made me feel just awful.  She kept saying "I'm just not sure why you came in here or what it is that you want."  I told her that I was worried about how work stress was affecting me and that I wanted information about how that affects the pregnancy, advice for how to not let it affect me so much and to discuss what my options were.  She kept throwing the same question back at me though and then told me "There is no reason why you should be missing work at this point in your pregnancy.  Are you really too sick to go to work?"  I told her that even on Diclegis taken twice a day, most mornings I am still dry heaving and just this weekend I started vomiting.  So she prescribed Zofran to take on "bad mornings".  I took the Zofran today and immediately threw it up.  I ended up coming in two hours late to work and was crying and so upset over the thought of missing more work.  

I'm in my 16th week of pregnancy and I understand that in many pregnancies people are over the morning sickness.  But I am not.  And I don't understand why the NP was so rude about that situation.  She made me feel like it is all my fault that I am getting sick and that my work has a right to be upset with me.  I fully understand that no one wants an employee who misses work but I am legitimately sick.  I'm just not sure what to do.  I feel so frustrated at work and depressed with the entire situation.  Now after seeing my NP I feel that this is all somehow my fault and that there is something I am doing wrong in this pregnancy.  What would you guys do?  Would you try to talk to someone else at the doctor's office?  My baby is healthy and that is the number one most important thing, and I am so thankful for that.  But I do not feel healthy right now and feel like I am at the end of my rope.  

Zanza_3

I would definitely find someone else to talk to, either at that office or a different one. For some people the ms takes a long time or never goes away. I would think she should know that. Either way, it wasn't right for her to act like that. As for work, I'm not sure what to do there. Maybe you can get a note from your OB saying that ms is common and can severely affect a person?

Skrittens

I am so sorry. I also have a lot of work stress...which is made worse with chronic illness and a rough pregnancy. I feel you.

I would do a few things - first document your sick days due to pregnancy and try (I know it is hard) to at least go in to work for part of the day every day. I would see a therapist. I would also see a psychiatrist for anti-anxiety medicine. My perinatologist feels they are safe - however my psych refuses to prescribe to me while I am pregnant so I am looking for a new one.

Again, so sorry for this stress. Hugs your way.

jordanbohr

I would try to seek help from a therapist. A lot of times anxiety/depression can manifest in different ways, not saying it is making you physically sick, but it probably isn't helping with your hormones out of whack. Just focus on getting yourself the right type of help!!

Lark425

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not right for your work to question why you are calling in sick. A lot of people I work with call in "sick" when they want a day off just because. I wouldn't worry too much about what others think. You just need to focus on you. As long as you aren't going beyond your work's absenteeism rules, you should have nothing to worry about.
As for that NP, she clearly has no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes ms is debilitating and yes, sometimes you do just need to call in sick because of it. I think you are right for feeling frustrated. I would ask to see someone else, someone that won't shame you. That's just not right.
I hope your ms starts to dissipate and that you start to feel better soon. Take it one day at a time.

starsailorr26

First I think you do need to talk to a specialist. Whether it's someone else at the same practice or a therapist elsewhere, you should be talking to someone. Sometimes talking to a professional is a huge help and can help relieve some of your stress.

I know it's easier said than done, but once your work day is over leave it behind and do things at home that will help you relax and relieve stress. Try to take things one at a time, or a day at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed. Hang in there.

psychbear

I'm sorry that sounds very stressful. Unfortunately, your NP sounds very unsupportive. Ditto PPs on seeking therapy to talk about the stressors in your life.

cafecreme

I'm probably the minority here, but if there's something in my life that is impacting me negatively, I try to change it. Change your OB/NP, and start looking for another job. I know it's easier said than done, but at least you can try. 

I also 2nd talking to a therapist/someone who is supportive. There was a period of time where I hated my last job, and came home crying every day. My husband was really understanding and was able to console me and talk to me about it.

It really makes me angry how some people treat people; especially an emotional pregnant woman. Your work and co-workers sound horrible, and I'm sorry about your douche canoe NP. 

jess412love

That's awful for the NP to act in such a rude manner, I would definitely not go back to her ever again. Morning sickness sucks and it doesn't just magically go away for all women! For work it really just depends on how much you "need" the job. Stress is not the best for you and baby, but at the end of the day bills do need to be paid. I hope things get better soon. Good luck mama!!!

colleen4019

I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much stress. Have you looking into intermittent fmla?

Lmsq1611

Thank you ladies for your quick responses and support.

@RQuinlin‌ You bring up a good point that the stress may actually be making the morning sickness worse. It definitely seems like I'm stuck in a cycle because the ms is much better on the weekends.

To everyone who mentioned talking to a professional you are right. I'm supposed to catch up with a good friend who counsels women dealing with postpartum so hopefully she will have some advice. My husband and I go to therapy to deal with the abuse he experienced as a child. It teaches us how to communicate better and overcome his previous emotional injuries. I think it's a place for me to start to share with a professional how I am feeling. The NP made me feel like such a failure for having ms. Honestly I thought I would leave there with a doctors note that would at least explain to my work that I am legitimately sick and instead I left with the feeling that it was somehow my fault.

@cafecreme‌ and @JessicaMontello412‌ You both bring up the suggestion of leaving the job. Here is where things get a bit more complicated. We are waiting to hear back in a promotion/relocation for my husbands work. Fingers crossed it comes through. Although selling our home and moving to another state would be stressful while pregnant the thought it what keeps me going when I'm stressed at work. If that doesn't go through then my plan is to work as long as I can (whether that is through maternity leave or not remains TBD) and then look for a new position post baby.

@colleen4019‌ I looked into disability in CA but I would need the doctor to support that and clearly at least the NP would not think that is necessary. How does FMLA work before the baby is born?

Thanks again ladies. I am also going to start a prenatal yoga class just to try to let go of some of the stress so at least it's not affecting my evenings too.

Skrittens

JessicaMontello412 said:

That's awful for the NP to act in such a rude manner, I would definitely not go back to her ever again. Morning sickness sucks and it doesn't just magically go away for all women! For work it really just depends on how much you "need" the job. Stress is not the best for you and baby, but at the end of the day bills do need to be paid. I hope things get better soon. Good luck mama!!!

sweetmama17

Looks like you have a good plan laid out. Good luck!

rm2013

@Lmsq1611 Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this! Two things to add to what's already been said:

1- I dont think you need to find a new OB, just don't take appointments with that particular NP. I would make sure you see your actual doctor on the next visit and talk with them about it.

2 - Pregnancy is a PROTECTED medical status. They cannot give you grief about taking sick days or take an adverse reaction against you (ie demote, fire) because of pregnancy. Make sure you document everything like a PP said (in fact, try to record everything that's already happened while it's still fresh). If it gets worse I'd talk to HR, at the very least about you getting push back on being sick and treated negatively. If you end up moving for DHs job then great but I'd definitely do whatever's needed I protect your interest in this job just in case. I dont think many people realize pregnancy is considered protected now, it seems fairly new. I saw it for the first time a couple months ago when I had to do my yearly EEO/Harrassment training. So sounds like you superiors need a quick tutorial.

https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/pregnancy.cfm

colleen4019

Lmsq1611 said:

Thank you ladies for your quick responses and support.

@colleen4019‌ I looked into disability in CA but I would need the doctor to support that and clearly at least the NP would not think that is necessary. How does FMLA work before the baby is born?

Thanks again ladies. I am also going to start a prenatal yoga class just to try to let go of some of the stress so at least it's not affecting my evenings too.

Intermittent fmla works for when you have frequent symptoms or doc visits or medical treatments that require/force you to miss work. It offers you security & job protection. You do need a doc to sign off monthly that your absences (or tardiness) are due to your chronic condition.

In terms of the treatment by your NP I assume she is not the OB or CNM who is overseeing your care? I would go directly to that person. I don't think a NP could do the fmla paperwork.

Here is a link that has the details for CA.

https://www.documents.dgs.ca.gov/ohr/supervisor/DGSFMLAPolicyProcedures.pdf

If you've been in your company for over a year and your company has 50+ employees you should be qualified. Also Cali has some of the best protections and benefits for women in the US. I would do some searching/calling around to see what else is offered.

Let me know if I can help. I'm in RI but I helped a few staff complete the requirements, it is complicated but your hr should (and I think has to) help you complete it!

jessicad8586

I'm having bad morning sickness as well and I figured out a semi solution. I changed my hours to 9:30-5:30 instead of 9:00-5:00 but I'm still getting up at the same time. I brush my teeth immediately because that's usually when the puking starts. And then I puke, for like 30-40 minutes. After I feel okay I start getting ready the best I can. I take a bag with me for the car ride to work just incase. Sometimes I get sick while driving sometimes not. Sometimes I puke in the bathroom at work, sometimes I don't make it and get sick at my desk but at least I'm there working. I've basically told myself calling in is not an option. If I have to puke at my desk I have to, it beats being the stereotypical pregnant girl that calls in constantly. It's so easy to use morning sickness as an excuse but when you tell yourself it's not an option it gets easier. There's no reason to miss an entire days worth of work because of morning sickness. If I was your boss I'd be annoyed too but I'm not a sympathetic person when it comes to missing work. Tough it out. You're stronger than you think. You may be uncomfortable but pregnancy and motherhood isn't going to be roses and butterflies.

bdazzld

colleen4019  it can be your OB or your GP but I'd consider this.  It will eat into your "maternity" leave coverage and the amount of time your job would be considered "safe" I believe.

cesquer

I would talk to HR or employee relations about your concerns. This is just to protect yourself. You need to document this.

MissyCee

I went through something similar when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was extremely stressed at work due to more responsibility than one person can reasonably be asked to handle (when a coworker left, their responsibilities were given to me, on top of my "normal" job), my boss was a crazy bitch half the time, and I worked in an office with a very unpredictable and aggressive woman. That same woman actually because violent one day, literally throwing things past me across the office and it scared the crap out of me. I left for day very soon after that incident then called in sick the next day and went to see the Dr. about it. He was sympathetic but said there wasn't much he could do. He told me if I didn't NEED the income it sounded like I should leave the job, then wrote me a doctor's note to take a week off. After the week off, I went back in for a day, then quit that evening. I just couldn't do it. I was so stressed and so unhappy and it was making me feel sick and anxious every waking minute.

In your case, I agree with the others that you should keep your own record of the days you take off due to sickness and keep a record of anything said to you in regards of that. I also agree with talking to HR about it; you want things in writing and on the record to help protect you. However, be careful about calling in too much. I know it sucks, but really try to go in, even if you're sick. If you have to get sick at your desk, do it; let your employer send you home if they don't like it, then it's on them. Make sure you're completing your job duties too, because while they wouldn't be able to say they're terminating you because you're pregnant, they could find some other reason, any reason, to get rid of you if that's what they want.

Sorry for the essay, I just wanted to know you're not the only one to go through something like this, and it really sucks, but you have to hang in there unless you're financially able to leave. Push yourself to go to work and in the meantime try to find something else if that's what you want. I wish you all the best!

starsailorr26

@Lmsq1611‌ I didn't realize you were in CA. I work in HR and leaves and FMLA are my specialty. I'd give you a response regarding Pregnancy Disability Leave and how it works in conjunction with FMLA/CFRA but I'm mobile and I'd take way too long. I will try to type a response tomorrow from my desktop. Alternately if you have an HR department they should be able to walk you through the process.

psychbear

jessicad8586 said:

I'm having bad morning sickness as well and I figured out a semi solution. I changed my hours to 9:30-5:30 instead of 9:00-5:00 but I'm still getting up at the same time. I brush my teeth immediately because that's usually when the puking starts. And then I puke, for like 30-40 minutes. After I feel okay I start getting ready the best I can. I take a bag with me for the car ride to work just incase. Sometimes I get sick while driving sometimes not. Sometimes I puke in the bathroom at work, sometimes I don't make it and get sick at my desk but at least I'm there working. I've basically told myself calling in is not an option. If I have to puke at my desk I have to, it beats being the stereotypical pregnant girl that calls in constantly. It's so easy to use morning sickness as an excuse but when you tell yourself it's not an option it gets easier. There's no reason to miss an entire days worth of work because of morning sickness. If I was your boss I'd be annoyed too but I'm not a sympathetic person when it comes to missing work. Tough it out. You're stronger than you think. You may be uncomfortable but pregnancy and motherhood isn't going to be roses and butterflies.

I find this advice really unhelpful. Not every woman is going to experience pregnancy and m/s just like you, nor does everyone have the flexibility to shift work schedules. What if a woman has a job where just puking whenever/wherever is simply not acceptable? Do you just work through migraines also? There is a reason FMLA protects pregnant women who aren't as lucky to just be able to "tough it out."

thursday

So sorry you are having this issue. Nothing worst than being pregnant at an unsupportive job. I hope everything works out and DH gets the job so you can leave yours. I had a co-worker who had horrible ms with her son and she was treated so badly and basically blacklisted years after because of her absences back then. She was the best employee in the entire department and they ran her out. I would try to leave if possible. You don't want their negativity to ruin your career

Lmsq1611

@starsailorr26‌ I would love to talk to you more about all of this. The situation has gotten much more difficult.

Here's an update. I would love any advice anyone has. On Thursday I spoke to my therapist about the work stress. It felt wonderful to have my worries and feelings validated by a professional. In the midst of t though I had a panic attack. I was able to calm myself down but still felt a lot of abdominal tightness. There was no cramping but I had shooting pains on my left side and continued tightness in my abdomen.

Come Friday and the pain increases at times with exertion such as crying, walking more than a short distance, and definitely with any emotional unrest. Friday morning my supervisor met with me to discuss my situation. She told me the reason for the demotion is that she has been observing me and she doesn't feel like my personality is the right for for my job. She also mentioned that I blink frequently and she believes that some of our donors may find this upsetting or make them uncomfortable. She didn't have any issue with my actual performance. She suggested that she believes the blinking is a psychological issue and that I should take to a doctor or therapist about it. I told her a doctor had previously diagnosed me with dry eye. She said I needed to do something to take care of it. She also suggested that I do some soul searching and start thinking of other areas where I would be happier. To be clear, I never said I was unhappy.

Obviously this news has caused a lot of upset. It felt like a personal attack. I plan on talking to HR on Monday and I have an ob appointment with my doctor (not NP this time) on Monday. I went to urgent care today because of the continued abdominal pain and they said if it gets any worse to visit the ER. They also asked that I take the next several days off work and get bedrest and provided a note.

Anyone have any thoughts on next steps? Should I consult a lawyer? I plan on telling HR everything. I'm not sure what to do but I worry how much this stress is affecting my pregnancy and the baby.

colleen4019

I would absolutely document a timeline of what you have experienced both at work AND In terms of interfering pregnancy symptoms. I would ask your OB to sign off on the pregnancy issues (confirm that you were suffering from severe ms etc). If you suspect that your job is in danger I would indeed consult a lawyer/hr specialist.

FrecklesInside

What the fuck/?? You blink too much and that means she thinks you have a psychological issue??? This all sounds really, really inappropriate. I hope you get everything documents with HR and that your husband gets the job transfer so you don't have to worry about this toxic work environment.

skatergrl

I work in HR. Don't consult an attorney before you've met with your HR department and exhausted everything with them. You don't want to go the lawyer route unless you have no other options. HR folks know employment law and should respond within the law. They need to somehow show that excessive blinking negatively affects your ability to do your job (that sounds crazy by the way). If they can do that, there is likely very little an attorney could do to prove otherwise. While HR has a responsibility to protect the company, they are there for YOU! Go see them and lay everything out. Be open to a mediation with your supervisor if it's suggested. They can be really helpful. Good luck!

Lmsq1611

Thanks ladies. I am meeting with a coworkers father today who was an HR director so hopefully he can give me some pointers in talking to HR. If I am on medical leave is it best to schedule an in person meeting with HR? Is it best to verbally tell them what happened or to write everything down? Also does anyone have experience with medical leaves or disability while pregnant? At this point I wonder if my doctor will see that the environment is too stressful to be in while pregnant.

To be clear I have been told that I can stay in the job I was hired for two years ago but that my interim promotion ends on Sept 30. Though I was advised to look for other opportunities bc of my blinking/personality disability. And of course also told "this has nothing to do with your pregnancy". Unfortunately it also has nothing to do with my performance and two years of excellent reviews and results.

skatergrl

If you can see HR in person, that would be best. It's good to write things down and you can tell HR you have. They may or may not ask to see it. As for the excellent performance reviews, be sure to remind HR of that. What were the terms of the interim promotion? Were you in that interim role for a whole 2 years?

Lmsq1611

I was hired as an associate director two years ago and then one year ago I was promoted as the interim director. The VP at that time promised that they would conduct an official search shortly and that I was the favored candidate. He always assured me I had nothing to worry about. Obviously he was breaking an HR rule by saying any of that. Prior to all of this I worked in another position within the same team. All of my reviews there have been very strong and I have had good results in my fundraising efforts. At this point all I want is to protect myself while I am there and to get this into the record with HR bc while I don't plan on being there long I don't want my coworkers to experience this sort of treatment.

starsailorr26

I highly suggest you speak to HR before you see a lawyer. That should be a step you take only if you feel your employer and HR are not responding to your concerns. I will try to make this as simple as I can.

In CA, you are able to take up to 4 months (88 working days) of Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL). This time can be taken as needed and does not have to be continuous, and can be used for severe morning sickness, childbirth and as ordered and certified by your doctor. If your company is required to offer FMLA, it would run concurrently with the PDL although FMLA would run out first as it's for up to 12 weeks. Even so, your employment is still protected as long as you're on PDL.

As for the post partum period, PDL still applies during the 6 or 8 weeks of disability once you give birth. In CA, we also have CFRA, which allows up to 12 weeks of baby bonding time and must begin to run after the post partum disability ends. This is completely separate from FMLA and is unpaid, except for 6 weeks of which you can receive pay through the state under Paid Family Leave.

While unable to work because of PDL, you can apply for State Disability, and if you have any other Short Term Disability through your employer, you would likely qualify for that as well.

Feel free to ask if you have any questions or need clarification.

skatergrl

As far as the interim promotion, you are correct that they shouldn't have told you all along that you were the favored candidate. I imagine HR won't appreciate that too much. Interim assignments don't ever guarantee someone the position but it is hard to justify not selecting the person who has been doing the role on an interim basis unless there is documented evidence to show that they have not been doing a good job. Regardless, them telling you that isn't really going to help you much except make HR more frustrated with your supervisor. I'd recommend calling your HR department to schedule a time with someone in Employee Relations. You don't need to wait to meet with your friend's dad who was an HR Director. HR people aren't scarey and there for you. Just go tell them exactly what you told us. The more time you waste, the longer you're putting yourself through this.