Newbie to this board

Jmaddiso

Hi.

I was on the 'TTC after 35' board for a while but this morning, after taking a hiatus from the boards all together, i found this one. I really wish i had known y'all were out there before today!! I would have showed up sooner!

My SO (i call him my 'Significant Other' as we aren't married yet. Getting there...just not yet), and i are both 35. I'm actually a month older than he is. Lol. We've been together 2 1/2 years and have a very solid, happy relationship. He really is my very best friend!! He knows all the good and bad things that have gone on in my life and doesn't judge me for them, just loves me more. I'm type 1 diabetic and have a thyroid disorder. We want children together so much we decided that we should probably get started on it because of my medical issues. HOWEVER, my doc gave me a beyond glowing report a few weeks ago when i saw him. My numbers are great, and he said that i shouldn't let my diabetes worry me with getting pregnant. Which is a HUGE relief!! It has been. I keep thinking about it. So that was awesome news. But even so...we aren't getting any younger and we'd like to have kids while we can still get off the couch to play with them.

It's been a difficult and long 9 months. We were lucky enough to find out we were pregnant in January and were the most ecstatic people you ever saw. But by our first appointment at the end of February, we had no more baby. To say we were devastated was an understatement. As you all know. I won't go into all the details about it...the finding out and all that. It's still very raw. To the point where we have skipped out on more than one baby shower in recent months because of it. It's just too painful for us still. And lets face it...jealousy is an ugly beast.

In April after we found out we had lost our little bean, and after a few weeks laying on the couch turning to my BFF at the time: Ben & Jerry's, i had to go in for a sonohysterogram as this was my second loss. The first one was about 8 years ago with my ex. My doc said that because i'm overall healthy and both losses were really early (the first at 10 weeks, this one was 6) they are more than likely just chromosomal issues. The test came back good and my doc said i had a "pretty uterus"...i guess that's a compliment in the gyno world. She said that if we were able to "get back on the horse" right away and conceive within 6 months, our risk of MC would go down quite a bit. Apparently there are studies behind this. I was all about it actually. Wanting to have a baby with my SO is ALL I THINK ABOUT!!! Well not really, but i'm sure you know what i mean. Anyway, so we've been trying. Today marks 6 months since we got that green light and yet another BFN. Last month at this time i found myself sobbing in the wine isle at the grocery store with my SO. I'm trying not to sob into my coffee at the moment. I was awake at 7:30 this morning and peeing on a stick hoping and crossing all of my appendages for that second pink line. No second pink line. So here i am.

I've tried talking to a few of my friends who have also suffered losses, but they are both busy now with their new babies (i see this and think...there is HOPE!!!). I'm tired of feeling like my body is failing me. I'm tired of peeing on sticks each month and failing the test. I'm tired of CRYING (tears are flowing now)! I'm BEYOND tired of being asked if we're pregnant yet. Or by one of my friends "Well you're drinking a beer...guess you're not pregnant" WHO SAYS THAT?! And it makes it SOOOO much worse as SHE went through this crap herself 15 years ago!!!! I'm tired of feeling jealous of my friends on FB who post constant pics and videos and stories about their babies and how in love with being a mom they are. I'm tired of feeling like it's because of me that my SO may never have children. I'm tired of feeling like life is SO bloody unfair and it seems like everyone is getting pregnant at the drop of a damned hat but me!! Crack heads get pregnant easier!! I'm tired of hearing people say "It'll happen when it happens" of "it'll happen when it's MEANT to". THAT'S NOT HELPFUL!!!! And then i feel horrible for complaining. It's only been 6 months of trying.

But then i wonder...maybe it hasn't been. It's been 6 months, but i'm not sure we've been really trying much. My SO told me a couple weeks ago that he's finally to the point where he's excited to start trying again. Up to that point, he hadn't mentioned that he was still struggling with our loss. When i think back on the last 6 months, i find that there were several months in a row that he was either working really late during the ovulation week and was exhausted when he got home, or he was super sun burned after a trip to the beach, or something else. So those months we were lucky if we hit 2 of those 7 days. So maybe it's not fair to say we've been trying for 6 months. Maybe more like 2.

I've stopped tracking my temps, and logging in all my symptoms of anything and everything on my apps. I've deleted all but 1. And that one i rarely look at. I haven't been on these boards in....2 months. I feel like on one hand to not focus on it anymore and then maybe it'll happen. Like people always say.

Soooooo....ALLLLLLLL that to say....(sorry for the length of this. I know it's a lot)...i'm frustrated and a bit overwhelmed. I think a nap is in order.

BookishMomma

Welcome to the board. I think we all can relate to some of these things... feeling like everyone and their sister is KU, being tired of questions from friends & family. 

We have an AMA check-in for ladies over 35 that you are welcome to check out next time it's posted.

meredithcarole

I am sorry for your losses.  It is hard dealing with the questions about "when" from everyone and seeing happy updates from friends.  And they don't get it if they haven't been through it (and apparently 15 years might be long enough to take the edge off judging by yours who seems to have forgotten herself).

There is one study that was done in Scotland that indicated what your doctor said about 6 months, but I wouldn't get hung up on the results of one study.  Everyone knows someone who can counter the study with their own experiences (another loss within 6 months or a success after a longer period of time).

Welcome to the board.

[Deleted User]

Sorry for your losses. I can relate to the overwhelming feelings of jealousy. I try to avoid looking through my Facebook feed. I just stick to posting and staying on my own page, it helps. Big ((hugs)) Welcome to the board. 

SWMcFarland

I'm so sorry for your losses.  

ctk181

Welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure many of can relate to a lot of what you are experiencing, it is tough. FB has been many enemy ever since my loss as it DOES seem like everyone I know is KU or already has a baby. It's so hard when that is ALL you want! I'm glad you are here because I think you will find a lot of support from all the great ladies here, I know I have!

Jmaddiso

@BookishMama Thank you. I'll check that out. I think this board is more my speed.

@HMR11913 Thank you. It may be time for me to take a FB break. I may totally loose it if one more BFP announcement hits my feed before we get one.

@meredithcarole Thank you. That's a very good point. I hadn't thought of that to be honest. And yes, others just don't get it unless they've been through it. I've told a good many ladies about it, and some haven't said a thing. Just changed the subject. Which is a great way of making someone feel completely alone, and like what's going on doesn't matter to anyone but them.

@YorkieLove83 Thank you. I think i should follow your lead for a while.

I really appreciate all your thoughts and kind words. Thank you. It does help make me feel better that there are folks out there who do know what this feels like and like i'm not alone. I hope you all have a great week. And thank you again.

Jmaddiso

@SWMcFarland Thank you.

@ctk181 Thank you. I hope so too. I told one of my good friends recently that if she got pregnant before i did, i'd scratch her eyes right out. We both had a good laugh about it. Sadly i can't tell the people on FB that. Lol.

beemaya83

Hey there and welcome to the board. I am very sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to many of the things you posted about. I hope that this board is helpful to you as its been to me. This whole TTC can get overwhelming, so I think it is okay if you are not tracking your temps at the moment. I too have been hearing from my friends that it will "happen" and not to stress so much about it. However, lets face it, getting pregnant at our age is all about timing, so perhaps you should consider at least using the OPKs. Looking forward on getting to know you on this board. @Jmaddiso

beemaya83

@jj32 , I'm sorry about your FB feed. My husband mentioned a few days ago I should consider deleting my FB for a while. There have been so many annuncements for the past few weeks....I find that pregnancy announcements hurt more than birth announcements.

dawnstar898

Welcome and so sorry for your losses.  I can totally relate to almost everything you are saying! (((hugs)))

Jmaddiso

Thank you all so much!! I appreciate each and every one of your comments and support.

@Beemaya83 I've thought about the OPK's though i've never used them. I do wish there were reusable ones as i'm sure they can get pricey. Perhaps this next month i'll get a few. Give it a go. Thanks!

@jj32 I'm right there with you hun!! I counted once...in one week i saw 9 PG announcements and 3 new baby announcements. That was back when we weren't trying, so i can only imagine how terrible that would be to see right now. But yes...it's nearly a daily occurrence.

@ashtog i don't sleep well right now either. It takes me HOURS to fall asleep and i wake up a LOT. Lately it's been because i can't stop thinking about getting PG and when i do sleep, i have dreams of being pregnant. Night before last i had a dream that i peed on the stick and got two pink lines. Which woke me up because i was so excited in the dream. I had hoped that would have been a good precursor to today's test.

Thank you all!! ((hugs)) back to each of you!!

MrsPhD83

I'm so sorry for your losses. We can all relate to what you're going through, and I hope you find the support and comfort that you need here. Welcome to the board!

tlc35

I'm so sorry and can relate to a lot of you feelings.  I hope this board brings you comfort and knowledge.

eliida

((hugs)) I'm sorry for your losses.