My long woeful tale of conception

firestronaut

It feels like everybody has somebody to sit beside then throughout their pregnancy, and I'm stuck here alone, waiting for a friend to have some free time to make me feel special and be excited with me.

I started talking to baby's father online. I told him about my anxiety so he never pushed me too hard to go out for a date.
We talked for hours almost every single day. He'd send me cute messages while he was at work and reply to mine as quickly as he could. He raised my confidence and made me feel good about myself. Made me feel special and wanted. After a few weeks, I agreed to go out on a date with him.
The day was perfect. The weather was good and we went for a walk around a local beauty spot, followed by a meal at my favourite restaurant.
Afterwards, he took me home and things just happened. I never felt pressured and it just felt right. He stayed for a while and we cuddled afterwards and just talked about nothings.
He messaged me when he got home to tell me he'd had a wonderful day, which put the anxieties that had been rising up since he left, back to rest.
The next day, conversation lagged and he was slow to reply, but he was working so I just figured he'd contact me when he could.
The day after, I tried another attempt at messaging him, asking him what day he was free for a cinema trip we'd planned on. I got a bunch of excuses for the weekend.
The day after that, he'd blocked me from all messaging platforms.

I felt used and unwanted. He purposefully went out of his way to make me feel special, and used all of my anxieties against me to gain my trust.
I had a really hard time believing it at first, believing that I had done something wrong, and I managed to convince myself I wasn't good enough.

A few weeks later, a partner of my friend told him (to spite me) and he unblocked me to message me, asking me to get an abortion or he'd kill him because his depression and panic attacks were flaring up.

This was all coming up to two months ago now, and I'm still hurting over it. I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep and hate myself for ever trusting somebody that quickly, for letting them in without a second thought.

It just feels so lonely. He built himself up to be my perfect partner, we had so much in common - and I can see through it now but it doesn't stop the feelings that I was never good enough. That I was only good for one thing and not worth the effort afterwards. I'm struggling to hold it together, and my hormones don't really help! I just want to be able to stop hurting and move on with my life, and be excited because I'm having a baby - not a permanent reminder of how I was manipulated and used. I feel so lost.