Single Parents

Damned if I do/ don't

Hi Ladies,
I'm mostly a lurker and have written in a few times. The short story is that H is a very grumpy guy, and is unkind at best, bullying at worst, especially to DS. I have worked with him on this with counseling, medication, my own modeling, educating on child development, etc., various methods of self control, etc. Etc. Nothing sticks. H nit picks, hollers, and acts completely rigid and inflexible with every interaction they have. Tonights argument between them was about turning pages in the bedtime story. The child is 3 years old for F sake, and H is 40.

DS is now telling me that he doesn't like Daddy, wants us to go away from him, and even while I'm there, wants very little involvement with him. My heart is breaking. I contemplate getting us away from this jerk, but honestly, I can't imagine sending my kids to him unsupervised for weekends, etc per a divorce decree. He may be grumpy and unpleasant, but he thinks he's trying to be a good dad, and would argue that pretense in court. At least I can keep my eye on things under one roof.

Does anyone have experience with a situation like this? No idea what to think, but my baby is hurting and I need to do something. Thanks for reading.
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Re: Damned if I do/ don't

  • My worry is if this happens when you are there what happens when you are not?
    My mom stayed with my stepdad and tried so hard to protect us. She had no idea how bad it really was when I was alone with him.
    I would start building your case - document document document - and have your therapist do the same. Then I would get in touch with a women's advocacy group and make an escape plan. I can only imagine how he is treating you. And if your son is only 3, it will only get worse I would imagine as he gets older.
    Gosh, I'm sorry this is happening. I wish I had more advice but I only know what happened to us.
    And the women's group can give you tips on how to safely document so that your hubby doesn't find it.
    I hope others have some more advice for you.
  • Get your ducks in a row and leave this asshat. Unless you want your son to start modeling his behavior and treating people the way he does. Sorry you're going through this, but GTFO.
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  • Documentation would give you ammo for supervised visits if you were to move, IMO.  Your DS is unhappy, you're clearly unhappy, and H is the cause of your unhappiness.  I wouldn't call what he's doing "trying to be a good father", I'd call it "manipulation" and "signs of worse things to come". Document, record if you can (Best Buy has some mini pocket recorders small enough to hide in your bra).  Look into the law about recording, though.  Some states require all parties to know they're being recorded ahead of time. But run (don't walk) away, for the sake of your DS.
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  • I second what @becwheat says. I'm not in your home to know for sure if it's abusive or not, but it sounds to me like you've done all you can do and at that point, I'd walk away.
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  • I third @becwheat. Give your son a better example. You can't do it with this man around. It will be hard as hell, but you need to GTFO as someone else mentioned. Sounds like it will be the best decision you will make.

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
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