My dog is dead. Well, the dog I adopted in high school. My mom "took him over" when he was like IDK...4 or 5. She put him down today after a long, long struggle. It was his time (I graduated 10 years ago and he was adopted in 10th grade). He had cancer, Lumps all over his body. Hard for him to get around, etc. He was playful though until the very end. Sad and it sucks really bad. My mom has NOBODY. Like her sister is dead. Her mom is dead. Her dad is dead. No SO. Like nobody, so this will be especially hard for her.
I've been an emotional basketcase all day. Trying hard as hell not to just have an all out melt down on the floor.
The job I was hoping and counting on that had been sending out "We're still trying to figure this out, bare with us" emails just sent one this morning saying they decided to go with someone internal. That was like my only hope for a job before the end of the year. It was a work from home position with a military non profit. This upsets me more than you can imagine because now, I have to decide how the FUCK we are going to make it and if I have to move or not and how the FUCK that's going to work out. I just feel like I am in the same emotional state as when I was trying to figure out how the FUCK I was going to be a mom and how the FUCK I was going to support a baby on my own. I'm deflated. Drained. Exhausted. Upset. I have no idea how I am even going to get approved for a place to live without a job/income...let alone a private person asks for like 2 months at once and I cannot and have never been able to do that.
Also fuck it that DD has been SCREAMING for the better half of the day. She has her two front teeth coming in. I know it hurts like hell for her and I hate it. I am trying to put myself in her shoes. Today is just not the day. We had a great morning at the park in beautiful shade and cool weather on a blanket.
I am trying so hard to remind myself how beautiful my daughter is, how innocent she is, how thankful I am for her, and that she has no clue how much I struggle and am sad right now. It's just so fucking hard. I know nobody said it would be easy and I get everyone has problems but now I'm not just trying to figure out how we are going to make it, I'm trying to figure out how myself and a child are going to make it.
PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014