How do you hold on to hope without destroying yourself?

ritacita

I am going in for an u/s tomorrow to check follies, and likely IUI #2 Monday or Tuesday.  This cycle has been hard, I just feel like I'm going through the motions, but I don't even know why.  I have felt from the beginning that this cycle is pointless and isn't going to work (completely fabricated in my crazy brain, there is no medical reason why it wouldn't, other than the usual odds).  I feel like I can't go in to a procedure with 0 hope but at the same time, I don't want to be destroyed in a couple weeks if it doesn't work.  Maybe I just need a break?  I don't know.  Also, these meds are turning me into a whiner... What do you ladies do to keep going and stay (at least somewhat) positive?

ritacita

Thanks @amylev80 We are planning a break after this cycle so that we can get the hell out of town for a while  And Wine!  How silly of me, I'll go buy a bottle right now.

BunnyBerry

For me, I don't see that hope serves much of a purpose. I like it when things are just puttering along, and I'm not feeling too excited...because, just like you, I hate to set myself up for disappointment! I don't mind not feeling hope for that reason. In fact, I've been trying to quash the very high hope that for some reason (also no medical reason!) has been infiltrating my brain this 2WW. 

Perhaps a break is in order, but honestly I see the hopelessness and being kind of inured to the ups and downs of each cycle, which may be a good thing in some ways.

lebradford

I am hopeful that I will eventually have a child, but I go into each individual cycle assuming it likely won't work. I'm not sure if that's healthy or not, but there you go.

Also, therapy, wine, chocolate.

ritacita

YOU GUYS OMG *****pregnancy mentioned... not mine... obvi******

While trying to get myself out of this pity party, a friend IM'd me on facebook and announced her pregnancy... WTF universe?!  We haven't talked in months/years I was definitely blind sided by that.  Where's that wine? Maybe I should go straight to the bottle of gin in my cupboard...

mindaa

AlaskaDee23 said:

This has been my biggest struggle....it's like I've almost become resentful towards hope. As corny as that sounds. But I also can't imagine not being hopeful. I just always prepare myself. Not in a negative way, but just allow myself to be hopeful, but then each month that AF shows up, I grieve and try my best to move on. I'm obviously on a different path than most 3Ters, but I've finally (for today anyways) come to terms with not having a bio child, but I still get hopeful every month! I just pray that someday I know no longer worry about it... Don't beat yourself up...I think we've all felt this way. ((Hugs))

I don't think that's corny at all - resentful towards the hope is good way to describe it. I was actually starting to get really angry at myself each CD1 for letting myself get hopeful, only for the hope to be continuously crushed.

ritacita

mindaa said:

AlaskaDee23 said:

This has been my biggest struggle....it's like I've almost become resentful towards hope. As corny as that sounds. But I also can't imagine not being hopeful. I just always prepare myself. Not in a negative way, but just allow myself to be hopeful, but then each month that AF shows up, I grieve and try my best to move on. I'm obviously on a different path than most 3Ters, but I've finally (for today anyways) come to terms with not having a bio child, but I still get hopeful every month! I just pray that someday I know no longer worry about it... Don't beat yourself up...I think we've all felt this way. ((Hugs))

I don't think that's corny at all - resentful towards the hope is good way to describe it. I was actually starting to get really angry at myself each CD1 for letting myself get hopeful, only for the hope to be continuously crushed.

Yep. That.  Resentful towards hope.  Not corny at all, that's exactly what I'm feeling.

theholmanherd

As thankful as I am that DH is getting this new job, we found out he will be on-call for up to 3 years after he finishes his 15 week training. My first reaction was to flip out about how this will hurt our chances TTC. Wife of the year over here. I hate that IF is my first consideration for everything.

Hard liquor for all of us.

ritacita

Ha! @kkeglar13 'master of emotions' I love that.  If only it were so easy!

@theholmanherd I would just like to say that I am thankful for the photos in your siggy... that is all 

ritacita

angelina2404 said:

Honestly, it's been helping me lately to constantly keep the NEXT month's plan in my head THIS month. I just keep telling myself every day, "if this month doesn't work, it's ok, next month we move onto Plan B/C/D, etc."

That's actually really helpful advice.  We are taking a break no matter what after this cycle, so I can look forward to that, and then focus on where to go from there.  Plus DH keeps saying "You don't win the game in the first quarter" LOL!  His ridiculous sports analogies are occasionally helpful

Pintobean39

The only way I ever got through every cycle was to prepare for the next when it didn't work. It's so hard to be hopeful because you are trying to protect yourself. I think it's normal.

I'm the worlds worst at putting up a brick wall to protect myself. I can remember my therapist over the years always trying to get me to take down my wall. I finally let it down last night and it's not pretty, it was ugly crying. I think personally I have to do that sometimes, then I eventually get back up and continue on.