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AOBtahoe

Hi to all. I haven't been on thebump much in years but am looking for support and this seemed like a good place to start! Here's my story:

I'd been having problems with DH for years- he's never been very helpful with our two girls and in the past year or two we've started fighting a lot more. He's very good at twisting fights so I am always wrong and he becomes the victim. About three weeks ago, he got really drunk and started calling me names, tried to kick me out of the house and tried to wrestle my oldest out of my arms, twisting my arm behind my back and pushing me to the ground in the process. I called the cops, who arrested him on domestic battery and child endangerment. I've had to deal with CPS and Victim Services. I took the girls across the country to my parents house and have since been wrestling with all kinds of emotions, from thinking we can work it out to wanting to draw up divorce papers immediately. I just read a book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship and identified a scary amount with the book- though my relationship had times that were great, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells and never sure what the next outburst would be about. 

I'm flying back to my house (which DH has agreed not to live at) on Saturday because of upcoming work commitments. When I talk to DH, he is insistent that he doesn't have an alcohol abuse problem (many of our fights where he's been mean have been under the influence and I think he's a binge drinker) and that the problems we have are due to "communication problems" (whereas I think he has anger management and rage issues). 

I've been very confused and frustrated but I think divorce is probably the right option. I don't believe my DH can change and frankly, I no longer trust him. I'm very scared for my next steps- going back and telling him I want to divorce. My support system is on the East Coast and I will want to take the girls back east, but I'm afraid my DH will fight me and make it incredibly difficult. He hasn't gone to trial yet for his charges and I'm wondering if I should try to move immediately in case the child endangerment charges are dropped and he can file for joint custody. My parents have offered to support me in whatever ways they can, but I've been mainly a SAH mom for years and am afraid of everything this will mean- losing my house, leaving the area and friends, basically changing my entire life. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated!

Helenahhandbasket

Wow-- first I want to say that I am sorry you are going through all of that. 

I don't have much advice in terms of if you should move back east or not, as I don't know if there are any laws about that, but I do think you need to be where your support is.

I hope you are able to come to some type of decision soon so that you and your girls will be safe.  Please stick around, this is a very supportive group.

20thirteen

Wow, that's a scary situation.

First:

You need to establish residency somewhere, and that means living in a place for (I believe) 6 months. Then I don't believe he can file for joint, only visitation, but again, I'm not sure.  You would have to look into state laws where you lived with your husband and, possibly, wherever you move to. I moved back with my dad, but BD and I live in the same state so that is a different situation.  Why do you think the child endangerment charge(s) would/might be dropped?  If he's is or has been hurting the children, I don't think a judge would drop the charge(s) unless there is proof that what he did didn't hurt the children.

Second:

I think that in your case, with all the information provided, I would ask for a divorce.  But if you are afraid to tell him that because you think he might hurt you, I wouldn't do it face to face.  I would wait until all the work obligations were over, fly back to my parents and then call him.  Or contact a lawyer and have him served with the paperwork.  He'll use that against you (again, assuming his personality from the information provided), but it's better to be out of harm's way than to be in the hospital.  Also, research lawyers.  Some people just pick one without really researching and end up getting screwed. If you do move to your parent's area, I believe you will still need a lawyer in the area where you lived with your husband (don't use DH, he's not dear to you anymore especially if he's hurting you.  Sorry if that sounds harsh).

Third:

The job market is scary for anyone who's spent their days as a SAHM, but there are still opportunities out there for you.  Also, you can use the system to your advantage and we all know how to help you with some of the processes.  Such as daycare, insurance, food stamps (if need be).  I think one or two of us can help with housing processes but I don't remember.  But then again, if your parents will take you in, then let them.  It'll help you save money while you look for a new place.

Last but not least:

Do whatever it takes to let your girls know that you are their greatest protector. If he has hurt them in the past, put on your mama bear pants and protect them.  If they saw him hurt you, you need to put on your mama bear pants and show them how to stand up for themselves, that its NOT OK for anyone to treat them the way he treated you. Help them grow up to be strong women by showing them that you are a strong woman, that you won't take this kind of treatment.  I know you still have love for him, I can see that in your post, but you have to let him go.  He's not going to change. You can and deserve better.

Not trying to be harsh.  I wish you so much luck and sending love your way. Stay strong and stay safe.

tig594

Sorry you're here.  DD's dad is an alcoholic but never physically abusive (yet).  He was/is manipulative and a bully when things started to NOT go his way and he just got worse from there.  Your husband is an alcoholic.  If he can't admit it he won't get help, even if he goes to get help, if that makes sense.  Because of your kids I'd suggest at least a long term separation.  Good luck!

AOBtahoe

20thirteen said:

Why do you think the child endangerment charge(s) would/might be dropped?  If he's is or has been hurting the children, I don't think a judge would drop the charge(s) unless there is proof that what he did didn't hurt the children.

I just don't know a lot about the system. The cops didn't actually see anything so it's basically my word against my H's (you're right, definitely need to stop to using DH!). I don't want him to go to jail, but I want to make sure I do whatever it takes to get sole custody and be able to move closer to family and friends. 

Thanks for the words and advice so far and no worries if it's harsh- I think I've probably let too much of H's bad behavior slide in the past and I realize I do need to be stronger and stand up more for myself and my children. 

20thirteen

Btw, going on what @tig594 said, he is an alcoholic.  You said you think he's a binge drinker, binge drinking is a different form of alcoholism, but it's still alcoholism.  BD's mom is a binge drinker, I used to be one when I was 22.

Binge drinkers are a little harder to deal with because they think they don't have a problem because they don't drink often. Its just that when they drink, they binge because "I don't drink often", "I don't have a problem with alcohol", and "I'm fine".  BTDT, I was not fine, I had a problem, and I drank more often than I told people.  I still struggle with it but now I have people who help me keep myself in check when I go out.  Even when I do go out, I usually avoid places with alcohol.  Not everyone can do that though.  They have to really want and utilize the help. Your H does not sound like the type of person that will go seek the help he needs for it.

freeatlast2014

https://www.barrygoldstein.net

I know this man personally. He has given me advice on my situation. I have heard him speak. I have also found great info on his website.

My EX is/was abusive. Put his hands on me once to intimidate and not hurt. Did damage to personal property many times. I now have a permanent restraining order against him and we are in the middle of a very nasty divorce. I was a SAHM for over 3 years and got a part time gig 3 months before we separated.

It's ugly. It's sad and heartbreaking. I am here for you. We all are. PM me if you would like.

Good luck

tig594

I know you say you don't want him to go to jail.  I'm in the same situation you are except FF a year or three.  I don't want BD to go to jail either.  I'd rather he get some help.  But we've been down that road several times.  He's been to rehab both on his own and ordered by the court.  He's been to AA meetings ordered by the court.  He's had counseling and anger management classes several times, all ordered by the court.  It's great for the court to order all this stuff, but it won't stick unless they WANT it to and are ready to admit their is a problem and take the help seriously.

BD is sitting in jail now and I have been ordered to testify against him today.  It sucks because he's facing prison and, like you, I don't want him to go to jail/prison.  I feel bad about it.  I feel guilty about it even though I know it's not my fault no matter  how much he likes to tell me it is.  He is there because of me.  But I didn't make him stalk me or drink and drive or break into my home to steal my clothes or violate his probation in whatever other way he has. HE made those choices.  

We have children to raise.  Children who depend on us for every single thing in their little lives right now.  Children who need our attention and do NOT need a stressed out/scared version of us due to their father's childish behavior.  I know how you feel.  I still love DD's daddy.  But I'm to the point where enough is enough.  

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.  

AOBtahoe

tig594 said:

BD is sitting in jail now and I have been ordered to testify against him today.  It sucks because he's facing prison and, like you, I don't want him to go to jail/prison.  

We have children to raise.  Children who depend on us for every single thing in their little lives right now.  Children who need our attention and do NOT need a stressed out/scared version of us due to their father's childish behavior.  I know how you feel.  I still love DD's daddy.  But I'm to the point where enough is enough.  

I am so sorry you are going through that! I still don't know whether or not I will have to testify against H but the possibility of it makes me nauseous. You are absolutely right though- enough is enough. Best of luck today and thanks for the sharing!!