This upcoming Sunday, Sept. 14, our first baby should have been turning 1. It is killing me knowing that we never got to know that baby, share all our love with that baby, or celebrate special occasions or events, such as their first birthday with the baby. This would be the weekend we would celebrate a whole year of life, but instead I'll be working the night shift and then returning home to an empty house until my parents bring DS home later Sunday afternoon.
To make things slightly harder is the fact I work in a NICU. I'll be spending the night before our angel's first birthday trying to keep other families' babies alive so they can have those celebrations as time goes on. All it makes me think of this time of year is how I am able to keep their babies alive, but couldn't do anything for my own.
I apologize for this being so long. I just needed to let it out with people who understand and won't make me feel bad about how I've been feeling, or the fact that I still grieve every September.
Thank you ladies for all the love and support you have given me over all this time. While what brought us all together as a community isn't anything I would wish on anybody, I couldn't be any more thankful for the women that make up this group. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
Our angel's first birthday should have been in April while I was pregnant with DD. It was hard to reconcile the feelings of sadness for our loss with the joy of expecting our rainbow so soon (she was born in May). Everyone kept telling me that "this is how it was supposed to be" because if it hadn't been for our loss, we wouldn't be having DD. While I couldn't imagine having a more amazing baby, she is not a replacement from our losses. Those are her siblings, and I still grieve for them.
I'm sure that work for you this weekend will only compound your grief, but I think that you are amazing for doing it. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to be a little sad for what should have been, even if it's just to yourself. Your angel will know you have not forgotten. You're a wonderful mama! ((Hugs))
BFP#1 8/3/12~EDD 4/1/13~Natural M/C 9/1/12-9w6d
BFP#2 5/30/13~EDD 2/3/14~Confirmed CP 5/31/13
7/12/13 Hysteroscopy & Lap Lysis of Adhesions
1st Cycle on Clomid Aug '13: BFP#3 8/24/13~EDD 5/3/14
I'm more of a lurker here lately but I wanted to send you some love and hugs.
As a mom who's first baby should have turned three yesterday, you are not alone. It's okay to grieve in whatever way you need. But as a mom who's living children are alive today because of people like you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It takes an incredible kind of person to work in a NICU.
Married 9/22/07, began TTC 8/10
Diagnosed with DOR, LP defect, mild endometriosis and cysts
BFP #1 EDD 9/10/11, natural miscarriage at 6w
BFP #2 Medicated cycle, twin boys born 4/4/12 at 29w4d
BFP #3 EDD 8/8/14, D&C for missed miscarriage at 8w, baby boy with triploidy
((HUGS)). It is so hard to go through those moments, especially when no one else seems to even remember or care. We all understand those feelings, which is why this is such an amazing place. I hope you are able to find some peace this weekend.
TTC since 11/2009; Lap/HSG/Hysteroscopy: 5/2011 (endometriosis - removed; endocervical polyp - removed; high pressure in bilateral tubes - cleared)
BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d
Huge hugs! You are a good mom to your DS and your angel baby.
**Warning: Losses and living child mentioned** BFP#1 1/31/12, EDD 10/6/12 Harrison Gray born sleeping @ 18w6d. You changed our lives little guy. BFP#2 EDD 10/29/13, C/P 2/25/13, Bye little Ish, we barely got to know you. BFP#3 EDD 12/21/13, Baby Boots born 11/23/13Myrainbowbaby!
(((Hugs))) EDDs are hard, even when we have our rainbows. My first little one would have been 2 this past Sunday. I've now past my EDD three times, and it still makes me sad. It is alright to still grieve what you have lost.
I can understand how being around other people's struggling little ones must be hard, but the work you do in the NICU is truly amazing. I spent last years EDD in the NICU with our daughter. The nurses were there for us in one of the most trying times of our lives, and I will forever be gratetful for the care they gave my daughter.
TTC started Oct '10
Me: AMA w/RSD, atypical PCOS w/IR, LPD and High Prolactin. Controlled HP post-loss.
DH: Low-T and borderline morph
18 cycles, 3 medicated w/RE to get to a BFP!
EDD 9/7/12, Saw HB @7w3d,missed m/c 1/30 @8w3d, d&c 2/8
11 AL cycles, 9 medicated/IUI cycles. All BFFN!
Moving forward with IVF
BFP#2 our little cycle break surprise on AL cycle 12! EDD 10/27/13
Beta #1: 41 Beta #2: 398; perfect u/s 3/11 hb @133bpm
u/s 3/25 one perfect hb @183 bpm, adjusted EDD 10/23/13
MaterniT21 and carrier screens normal. It's a girl!!! Severe Pre-E, HFpEF, PE, AMA & IF= OAD
Re: Struggling with weekend events
Our angel's first birthday should have been in April while I was pregnant with DD. It was hard to reconcile the feelings of sadness for our loss with the joy of expecting our rainbow so soon (she was born in May). Everyone kept telling me that "this is how it was supposed to be" because if it hadn't been for our loss, we wouldn't be having DD. While I couldn't imagine having a more amazing baby, she is not a replacement from our losses. Those are her siblings, and I still grieve for them.
I'm sure that work for you this weekend will only compound your grief, but I think that you are amazing for doing it. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to be a little sad for what should have been, even if it's just to yourself. Your angel will know you have not forgotten. You're a wonderful mama! ((Hugs))
As a mom who's first baby should have turned three yesterday, you are not alone. It's okay to grieve in whatever way you need. But as a mom who's living children are alive today because of people like you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It takes an incredible kind of person to work in a NICU.
TTC since 11/2009; Lap/HSG/Hysteroscopy: 5/2011 (endometriosis - removed; endocervical polyp - removed; high pressure in bilateral tubes - cleared)
BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d
BFP # 2: 5/7/12, EDD 1/10/13, DS2 born 1/4/13
BFP # 3: 11/8/13, EDD 7/17/14, mmc 10wks
BFP # 4: 5/16/14, EDD 1/15/15, praying for our 2nd rainbow baby
BFP#1 1/31/12, EDD 10/6/12 Harrison Gray born sleeping @ 18w6d. You changed our lives little guy.
BFP#2 EDD 10/29/13, C/P 2/25/13, Bye little Ish, we barely got to know you.
BFP#3 EDD 12/21/13, Baby Boots born 11/23/13 My rainbow baby!
January PAL Siggy Challenge: Good Advice
I can understand how being around other people's struggling little ones must be hard, but the work you do in the NICU is truly amazing. I spent last years EDD in the NICU with our daughter. The nurses were there for us in one of the most trying times of our lives, and I will forever be gratetful for the care they gave my daughter.
TTC started Oct '10
Me: AMA w/RSD, atypical PCOS w/IR, LPD and High Prolactin. Controlled HP post-loss.
DH: Low-T and borderline morph
18 cycles, 3 medicated w/RE to get to a BFP!
EDD 9/7/12, Saw HB @7w3d,missed m/c 1/30 @8w3d, d&c 2/8
11 AL cycles, 9 medicated/IUI cycles. All BFFN!
Moving forward with IVF
BFP#2 our little cycle break surprise on AL cycle 12! EDD 10/27/13
Beta #1: 41 Beta #2: 398; perfect u/s 3/11 hb @133bpm
u/s 3/25 one perfect hb @183 bpm, adjusted EDD 10/23/13
MaterniT21 and carrier screens normal. It's a girl!!!
Severe Pre-E, HFpEF, PE, AMA & IF= OAD
All IF/AL Welcome!
Clomid 50mg,100mg,150mg | Injectables + IUI#1 & IUI#2= BFN
IVF#1~ 8/2012~ 13 frosties~ BFP! OHSS
12/4/12 Luke & Kyle born @ 18 weeks
SHG+ Hysteroscopy+ FET= BFP | Cerclage+ Lovenox+ 5m Bed Rest
~Our wee guy is here! 11/27/13~