"Move on"

forevermyfenix

Some of you may have already seen this article, but I saw it for the first time a few minutes ago and I felt like I needed to share it.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/08/letting-grief-move-in-is-the-way-to-move-on-christina-oflaherty/

The paragraph that spoke the most to me, at least at this moment, is this one:

"To share what “moving on” means to me, I should start with what moving on is not. It’s not stuffing your feelings and putting on a brave face to the world. It’s not forgetting or replacing one person for another. It has nothing to do with how grateful you are for what else is in your life. It’s not about letting go of the past, or as the phrase implies, deciding to move away from the experience by leaving it behind."

"It has nothing to do with how grateful you are for what else is in your life"

That line in particular stuck out for me. y

When Fenix died, my family came out and did their best to keep me too busy to really think about things, thinking that would lessen the pain. But I think I needed to be alone before I could try to even begin "healing." 

Now, over a month later, family calls and is obviously worried, and understandably so. I don't try to call them, because, well, "Hi I've been having suicidal thoughts and flashbacks to the hospital, how are you?" isn't exactly polite conversation. When they do call, talk predominantly focuses on how I need to "Focus on the positives" and "Make sure you're going to church." 

To which my emotional mind automatically responds with "my baby died. there are no positives."

But when I use my logical mind, yes, there are. I've got family that is concerned for me. I've got my DH, still here by my side. I've got understanding colleagues and professors who are supporting me and allowing me to complete my masters degree on an adjusted time table. I've got resources. 

But I'm still grieving. "Focusing on the positives" isn't going to bring my baby back and nothing will. And I need people to understand that. I won't be the same person as before. I will still always have that empty space in my heart. And it will change me and continue to change me. 

So while I appreciate the gestures of trying to make me feel better, telling me to "Focus on the positives" doesn't work. 

Let me grieve. Let me be sad. Let me discover life without my son on my own terms and in my own time.  

I had a family member tell me "it's so hard as a family member to watch it change someone like that"

Well, it's hard for me too. But I can't change it, and neither can you. 

lexusolsen

The bottom line is that they just don't get it. My parents and siblings would never tell me to let go but they are obviously feeling lost with how to react. I've heard another loss mom say that she wishes she could give people some insight without wishing this on them. Just so they would be able to understand.

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much right now. You have so much going on with your grief, hormones, school, and your other health issues. Is there someone you can talk to about your thoughts?

msunshine123

Thank you for sharing the article! I agree - I have so many good things I am very grateful for in my life, but I still miss my son so much and that's normal. He is not replaceable. I am sending you hugs and prayers. It is such a roller coaster we are on. I agree with PP about finding someone you can talk to. Our counselor and support group have really helped us.

mmsweeney1

I'm sorry it's so rough right now. It is so easy to feel like nothing is positive. Don't worry about trying to be strong or pretend to be ok for others. This is a time in your life where it's all about you and your feelings. You're right that it changes you forever. When I had my loss last year I was more upset at some family members because it felt like they got over it too quickly. I was mad that it didn't change other people enough. Because only you and your husband really live with the pain every day. (I am glad it sounds like you still have each other to lean on. It can be a hard time for couples.)

sugarstar1784

To the original poster: 

I feel ya. Thank you for sharing how you feel. That's the message I am getting, too, these days. The worst thing I hear, nearly daily, is that we can try again. I don't want to try again! I don't want to go through this pain again. I don't want to look forward to tomorrow. Today is difficult enough. I don't want to have to think positive and count my blessings. I have lost a child. I have lost my hope for the future. I have lost my sense of self. I have lost my reason for living, for getting up in the morning. Can't they see that?

*hugs*

forevermyfenix

**Hugs** @sugarstar1784 , Looks like we may have gotten our horrible news on the same day. May I ask your baby's name?

sugarstar1784

Thank you @artgeek009, we called him "baby bear".