PPD/PPA/PTSD Checkin

ElTrain5

It's been awhile since the last check in and I wanted to see how you ladies were doing. I know a lot of us are making yet another difficult transition back to work, and how change can often cause worsening of symptoms or setbacks. How is everyone coping?

ElTrain5

I'm....not coping. Not worsening, just, still not coping. I still haven't had the burst of courage to write down my birth story, and for some reason I decided to google some of the medical things that happened and realized even more things my midwives should have seen but didn't. It just brought everything back full force. Baby is in the swing right now, and I'm googling therapists, like I've done a million times since his birth, but haven't made any calls. I had a particularly bad day yesterday after coming home from a visit with my parents in ny, and just wanted to sleep all day. I actually found this website where people share traumatic birth stories, and I'm thinking that might be good for me. To share it, but not here, I still just can't bring myself to do it. Of course I actually have to write it first.

steprozz

hugs @ElTrain5‌!

I'm still struggling with seeing all the people who are announcing pregnancies/posting bump pics/having their babies. it's the one postpartum issue I have dealt with both times now that never really seems to go away. and I really don't know why I can't deal with it and why it bothers me so much. I have never heard of anyone else having these feelings towards other people. you are supposed to be happy and excited for them and I feel irrationally angry and jealous of them. i don't like it but I don't know what to do about it either. I don't think meds will help and therapy doesn't work for me (but that's a whole other issue)

ElTrain5

@steprozz‌ I feel like therapy is 100% about the therapist. It sucks, but I feel like I connect with 1 in 1,000 providers out there. Otherwise I feel like I'm talking to a telemarketer.

lest12

Hugs @ElTrain5‌ , and everyone.

It's like this board is psychic, though. I've been having a pretty tough setback. I'm working part-time until I go back full-time in November, and I'm pretty overwhelmed trying to juggle as well as flat-out distraught that I have to leave LO. Add on sister's wedding next week and a lot of "involved" family... I'm not feeling very... Good, mental health wise.

sjn00

Each day is touch and go.. with LOs health issues and complications didn't help. I am finding myself to have more anxiety then I do depression. I stopped taking my medicine while my indurance was in limbo and I am seeing that effect so I started taking them again.

curlylocks3

I am actually, knock on wood, doing well. I'm not sure quite what happened but in the last week or two it's like something flipped and I'm feeling more like myself again. I am still more anxious than I was prior to delivery but my obsessive thoughts seem to be quieter (or maybe I'm talking myself down better?). I went 2.5 weeks without having any! I never ended up starting the meds my OB prescribed either. Due to a separate medical issue I had decided to delay starting them an once that issue was resolved I was doing better. Still have the filled prescription at home though. I've also been cleared to scale back therapy appointments to once a month with the understanding that if things get worse we will increase again.
So...not entirely resolved- and I've been told it might not be until 1 year postpartum- but overall much improved.
Lots of hugs ladies.

curlylocks3

Also, sign it's not fully resolved is that I took the babies for their 4 month checkup on Monday and at the reception desk the nurse gave me a survey on PPD/PPA to fill out. I did it through my OBs office at my 6 week checkup and declined to do it again. The nurse got kind of pushy and told me it wasn't optional and I burst into tears in the middle of the office. Not pretty. They told me if I refused to fill it out I would need to talk to the pediatrician about it...which I did and explained that I had already been diagnosed, was being treated, and couldn't handle doing another survey about it OR getting a call from a former coworker about it. It's not that I'm ashamed I've got PPA/PPOCD, I just do not feel the need to discuss it with people I have a professional relationship with. I trust them to maintain my privacy but I know it would be in my mind during future interactions. Fortunately our pedi was VERY understanding- and apologetic about the way it was handled.

And I might have written an angry note to the state department of health about how their survey addressed only PPD and not PPA.

Perhaps I'm not doing as well as I thought?

steprozz

what are these surveys? neither my OB or my pediatrician gives these out.

elsa1688

curlylocks3 said:

Also, sign it's not fully resolved is that I took the babies for their 4 month checkup on Monday and at the reception desk the nurse gave me a survey on PPD/PPA to fill out. I did it through my OBs office at my 6 week checkup and declined to do it again. The nurse got kind of pushy and told me it wasn't optional and I burst into tears in the middle of the office. Not pretty. They told me if I refused to fill it out I would need to talk to the pediatrician about it...which I did and explained that I had already been diagnosed, was being treated, and couldn't handle doing another survey about it OR getting a call from a former coworker about it. It's not that I'm ashamed I've got PPA/PPOCD, I just do not feel the need to discuss it with people I have a professional relationship with. I trust them to maintain my privacy but I know it would be in my mind during future interactions. Fortunately our pedi was VERY understanding- and apologetic about the way it was handled.

And I might have written an angry note to the state department of health about how their survey addressed only PPD and not PPA.

Perhaps I'm not doing as well as I thought?

I do know that they try and screen all moms at pedi appts so that no one is missed. I'm sorry it upset you though. PPMD are rough.

curlylocks3

@steprozz my hospital has a huge Perinatal Depression Program and I had to do screenings during each trimester and at my 6 week checkup. It makes sense that they'd screen moms at pedi appts too so that no one falls through the cracks like @elsa1688‌ said, but it caught me really off guard.

The state survey is a ridiculously invasive one the state of IL is "randomly" selecting moms for. Most of it was questions about what I did before and during my pregnancy in order to figure out why I didn't have a "healthy" pregnancy. A small section of it dealt with PPD but they didn't even mention other postpartum mood disorders, which I felt was wrong. I was annoyed by the survey to start with though.

sjn00

curlylocks3 said:

Also, sign it's not fully resolved is that I took the babies for their 4 month checkup on Monday and at the reception desk the nurse gave me a survey on PPD/PPA to fill out. I did it through my OBs office at my 6 week checkup and declined to do it again. The nurse got kind of pushy and told me it wasn't optional and I burst into tears in the middle of the office. Not pretty. They told me if I refused to fill it out I would need to talk to the pediatrician about it...which I did and explained that I had already been diagnosed, was being treated, and couldn't handle doing another survey about it OR getting a call from a former coworker about it. It's not that I'm ashamed I've got PPA/PPOCD, I just do not feel the need to discuss it with people I have a professional relationship with. I trust them to maintain my privacy but I know it would be in my mind during future interactions. Fortunately our pedi was VERY understanding- and apologetic about the way it was handled.

And I might have written an angry note to the state department of health about how their survey addressed only PPD and not PPA.

Perhaps I'm not doing as well as I thought?

Wow! So glad to know about this before it happens! Thanks for the heads up' ((hugs))

sjn00

Its at night when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest. My husband and I fight sooo much now. We are both fighting for sleep and with the baby crying, we take it out on eachother. This sucks soo bad!!

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katekat8721

The past couple weeks knowing my stupid in laws are coming over and knowing I have to return to work have majorly set me back. I spent most of last week crying and fighting with DH.

I went to the doc and she prescribed me zoloft and a therapy appt mid Oct. I'm waiting to start them because 1) they scare me and I've never taken them before 2) I don't feel comfortable taking them yet as the prescribing doctor was a moron and just filled the script and left before I could ask my questions and 3) I want the therapist to see me at a baseline first before I start anything.

My in laws come in today and I'm so anxious. I've already laid down the law with DH as far as what they can and cannot do and how my priority is babies first, everything else second. His mom isn't the problem, it's his brother and his GF. Luckily DH hates them too so I'm not getting much push back.

katekat8721

@shiggybop‌ that's it exactly... the kids aren't the problem, they're fine! It's everyone else!

RedMar

((Hugs)) everyone!! I feel bad because I'll miss DH when he's gone all day and think of what a sweet man he is, but as soon as he gets home he annoys the hell out of me?!!!

elsa1688

SaraJoy00 said:

Its at night when my anxiety and depression hit me the hardest. My husband and I fight sooo much now. We are both fighting for sleep and with the baby crying, we take it out on eachother. This sucks soo bad!!

I'm sorry you are struggling. Is counseling an option for you two as a couple? We see one weekly and it's really helped things. We just bring the baby with us. Big hugs.

curlylocks3

@redmar yup! I talk about being lonely and missing adult conversation but then he gets home and wants to talk- about his day or even the news and I'm like "enough! Leave me be!" I don't get it.
@katekat8721‌ I really hope the visit goes smoothly- I know you've been worrying about logistics for it. ((Hugs))

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tbmadeamistake

My problem is that I have plenty of patience for other adults but none for my kids or husband. The meds are definitely helping but if I don't get enough sleep I have big problems. Therapy is going great and is currently the highlight of my week.

JmeJoLee83

I have been depressed lately. Cried myself to sleep the past two nights because LO is so fussy and I'm the only one who can calm him down. I don't feel like anyone in my life can understand or truly help me. I feel like I need a break from LO then feel guilty feeling that way since I will be back to work full time in a few weeks. I felt do hopeful when his colic seemed to improve now the 4th month regression is setting us back again. Every night I am walking and bouncing the baby in the dark through the house fighting tears of frustration only to get a few hours of sleep

coffee89

I just wanted to say each and everyone one of you are amazing, strong, beautiful women. I hope everyone of you finds the light at the end of this dark tunnel soon.

tbmadeamistake

@JmeJoLee83‌ please don't feel guilty for needing a break. You are a woman in your own right as well as a mother and you need to take the time to satisfy that part of you. Being a mom is hard. We all need breaks and there is nothing wrong with that.

elsa1688

@Rachel5130‌ I would start with a therapist. If you don't have one in mind, your doctor might have some referrals. Or you might have friends that have one they like. It's great that you are aware enough to ask for help.

rainbowdashh

@Rachel5130‌ after my first daughter, I felt totally fine. 4 months pp, depression/anxiety hit me hard. Definitely go see someone about it! Bottling it up made for a very difficult and miserable year. Hugs to you.

Hugs to you all!

curlylocks3

@Rachel5130‌ I'd still talk to your OB. They'll likely be familiar with therapists specializing in this and have some recommendations for you vs you blindly looking for one. Also if you do need meds they could likely RX as well. Good luck. PPA is awful.

meritsamomma

I feel like I'm drowning. DH and i just got in yet another fight because after I had another very long day with a screaming baby who refuses to nap right now, I was upset he wanted to go out with friends. He started laying into me about how he's the one working and I need to stop spending money (my spending is on frivolous things like groceries and breast pads, meanwhile he threw away $100 in a football pool he's already out of) and started telling me that he's sick of all my crying. Yeah, well my PPD is pretty much all about us, not about the baby. If you want me to be happier maybe try actually being around. I have never felt so isolated from him. I've been trying to put in the work to keep our relationship strong but I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us. I feel ready to throw in the towel and I never thought I'd say that.
I was diagnosed during pregnancy with PTSD and was flagged as high risk for PPD and PPA. PPD set in a couple months ago and PPA seems to be settling in over past couple of weeks. Still trying to get insurance so I can go back to the psychologist I worked with through the pregnancy...

JmeJoLee83

@meritmacalpine‌ that's rough...big hugs to you. Hoping things get better.

Maladroit

Well, I will admit, I have PPA and a little PPD.  I told my OB about it about a month and a half ago and started on a couple of meds (safe for BF'ing) and start counceling on Monday.  It's been a hard admission to accept, but I was miserable, lost 20lbs more than my prepregnancy weight and was sleeping all the time.  I'm back to work and pumping has been really hard...been beating myself up over my low supply - blaming myself and being lazy. DH has tried to be supportive, but doesn't get how I can be so happy with DS and so pissy with everyone else.  Our relationship has been a rollercoaster since DS arrived, some good some bad. 

mrscbrad

So I have a question for you ladies dealing with PPA/PPD- I was lucky enough to have dodged the PPD/PPA bullet as I know it is a huge struggle but I think DH may have male PPD. From what Ive read it happens to 10-25% of fathers. He's been going through all of these emotions and questions about where he fits into the puzzle. He's even cried some which is pretty out of character. It's definitely put a strain on us bc I'm on the outside looking in and not really able to understand. How can I best support him? I know this is a really difficult thing to deal with and can make someone feel alone. What kind of support has been best for you all?

JmeJoLee83

@mrscbrad‌ what about writing a letter or card to your hubby "from" baby? Tell him how much he is loved, appreciated etc. Maybe since LO can't talk to express his/her feelings this might make you DH feel good? Just a thought!

mrscbrad

Thanks for your help! @JmeJoLee83‌ @jmar2011 @krystalann94‌ I really appreciate all your suggestions! I'm just trying to make sure he knows he's appreciated and that his feelings matter. PS yall are warriors! This is mom thing is hard without the PPD/PPA struggle.

meritsamomma

@JmeJoLee83‌ and @jmar2011‌ Thank you! It's taken me a while to post on this thread and I kind of wish I'd done it sooner. I always try to ascribe to the notion to never speak bad about your husband but sometimes a gal just needs support. J14 is always there and I couldn't be more thankful! We still haven't spoken since he walked out yesterday and if he came home at all that night he slept in the living room on the cpuch. Then he left work early to come home and nurse his hangover. Super responsible parenting on his part. But at least I had a good Mommy day today. That's enough for me right now.

tbmadeamistake

I finally had a full, good week! No meltdowns or yelling at the toddler from Monday through Friday. It was amazing.

Also, as much as this has sucked, a friend from my first bmb had her second last month and has also been going through PPD. I was able to reach out and let her know she's not alone in this and she really appreciated that.

AandJ28

This thread is exactly what I needed tonight! Huge hugs to you all!! Like @Rachel5130‌ I have been fine until a week ago. A switch was flipped and I don't know what to do. Like a few of you, I'm totally fine with LO but am miserable and bitchy about and to everyone else. I have been fighting back tears and finally let them out tonight... And now can't stop crying. I was feeding LO today and literally felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that it felt as though bugs were crawling on me. I recently transitioned to being a SAHM and I know that has some part of how I'm feeling. But the rest of it I just can't shake. I've looked into mom groups in my area and have come up empty. I find myself obsessing over milestones and worry that she's not developing certain skills fast enough. I'm going to call my OB and schedule an appointment but in the meantime I needed to let I it out.
It's refreshing to know that others have the same thoughts as me about missing H all day and then wanting him to leave me alone when he gets home. I feel bad but I have been so angry at him lately. He'll send texts all day about missing us but then the second he gets home he's out the door again - going to the gym, for a massage, or grocery shopping. I've tried to explain that I would like an hour at the gym or to be the one going grocery shopping but he doesn't understand. I'm really hoping that my OB can provide some direction... And thank you all for sharing your experiences...

ElTrain5

Big hugs and love to you ladies. I know we're all going through this in our own ways, but at least we have this safe place to vent.

babygabe614

Just wanted to pop in and offer big hugs to all you ladies. I have been lurking this thread since it helps me to read what you are all going through, as I try to muddle through all the emotions I've been feeling since LO was born. I haven't sought any help yet since the majority of what I feel is directed toward DH, but I think it could probably help. Anyways, you all are amazing and are doing a great job. Hang in there.

jacksoha

So I haven't posted in a PPD check in yet because up until a few of weeks ago I was hoping jt was just baby blues. I got my first PP period a week or so ago and all of a sudden I feel miserable. I was hoping it would stop when my period ended but it hasn't and I'm getting worse. DH and I have been arguing more, I have no patience with anyone, loss of interest in activities, no sex drive (which is super unusual because I'm typically all over DH), etc. After being in tears multiple times today at work over nothing I called my OB who scheduled an appointment for me at our hospital's behavioral health center. I may look for my own therapist but I at least figured I could start there. I'm super nervous because I've never talked to anyone like this. But I'm grateful for this thread to know I'm not alone! If it wasn't for you guys I probably wouldn't have called and I would have just tried to wait it out. Hugs to all of you!

sjn00

Gubffyhfdstvhingstkbcznkid

I dont even know where to start

sjn00

I am just really wondering how much more of this single parenting I can mentally take. Especially during a wonder week and watching my husband walk Around doing whatever the fuck he wants. Im pissed and I just want to cry. The End.