TTCAL too much of a good thing?

PinkCamino

I've admittedly taken a step back from this board. I lurk often but don't always contribute because on certain days I feel like I'm on a different journey or path. I guess at this point I'm in a place where we are trying but have sort of accepted the fact that I might never get to move on.

I've been thinking about my first months here, maybe even the first year and it's gotten me to a place where I question if TTCAL and the environment here is healthy? I mean, do we get to a point where all the protection provided by this board skews our real life perceptions of this journey? Does the "safe-space" environment provided here translate into this expectation that we can somehow transform our real lives into safe spaces too? Conversely, does interacting with other women who promote this idea of space space actually skew our perceptions of what is realistic in the real world? Is it fair to assume that we can live life avoiding everything pregnancy and baby forever? Is it perhaps a temporary solution to our incredible heartbreak?

I'm curious what everyone thinks. If you're new here I'd love to know how you feel about the protection TTCAL provides you. If you've been here for some time I'd like to know how the TTCAL environment translates into your real life perceptions of these issues.

I know this is totally long-winded and potentially makes no sense to some but I suppose I'm just curious if the essence of TTCAL can actually be damaging to us while being comforting at the same time.

jms627

Hi @pinkcamino.  I am new here, so speaking from a newbies perspective.  I can see where there is potential for what you've mentioned.  I haven't been here long time so I don't know that the board has "skewed" my perspective on this painful process. 

What I've got from the safe space here is the tools with dealing with the real world.  I know I can't avoid any and all things pregnancy and baby related, nor would I want to.  I've found this board to be helpful in the way that I can see how other women have responded to those situations when they arise (like having a pregnant friend or relative, dealing with questions from people who didn't know you m/c'd etc.).  The board has also made me much more empathic.  Admittedly, I'd had friends who experienced losses and always thought "oh, that's really sad" and then barely gave it a second thought.  The shared experience here, albeit a shitty one, will help me be a better friend/person to those dealing with loss in the future.  I'm not one to have many triggers, at least not anymore (for example, seeing pregnant people on tv, movies, etc), so those don't really apply to me.  However I can see how they could help some people.

Not sure if that's exactly what you were asking, but it is a thoughtful question.

mrsjg2013

Good morning.  I've considered this very thing myself.  Honestly, I think it really depends on each person's "use" of the board.  For me, this board has been an amazing opportunity to become part of a community that truly understands my pain, that provides me advice, and that allows me to express myself "safely."  I don't have anyone in real life that really gets it.  This is my support group, and some days I don't know where I'd be emotionally without it.

That being said, I'm not at a place in my journey where I feel the need to hide from reality.  (Although I've enjoyed the blanket forts every now and then!)  I love that when I come across something in real life that does cause an emotional reaction, I can TP them/it "safely" and then move on.  If I'm truly feeling like I need to step back from a RL situation because I may not be in a good place emotionally at that time, it's nice to have a group of ladies to talk to about it who won't judge me for it.  

Some of us really are hiding from reality here.  Would it be better to be hiding without any support?  Others of us may sound like we're hiding because this is a safe place to say those things out loud in a vent or to process a situation.  If we couldn't get these feelings "out," would be me more likely to start hiding?  For me, I feel like I get just as much (if not more) comfort in providing support to others than I do myself.  Granted, I've often thought that some advice I've seen given may not be what I would consider "healthy" advice, but it's not my place to judge.

BOTTOM LINE- I feel like joining this community is one of the few things I AM sure of right now, and I know that it has contributed to a better well-being over the last 3+ months.  Each person's journey is their own, and I'm not going to judge someone for "hiding" here if they feel that's what they need right now.  If someone decides that TTCAL is working against their healing, then I wouldn't judge them to taking a step back either.  

BIG ((HUGS)) to everyone who has made me feel so at home here.

jms627

ktlovess said:

From the negative side, TTCAL can lead to me obsessing over my loss. This is not a good thing. Sometimes, I just don't want to think about it, and, sometimes, TTCAL forces me to think about it. I know what it was like to be in the first few months after a loss... it was a time full of raw emotions and TTCAL got me through that time. But, now that I am passed that point, this board is sometimes a bad thing.

I definitely agree with this as well.  I'm prone to obsessing and overthinking and the loss just amplified that.  I think that would be my negative if I had to articulate how the board can sometimes be detrimental, however that's probably more on me than the board itself.  The support though is still phenomenal.

Cheetara2

Newbie here! This board for me is a way to interact with women who can truly relate to what I'm going through. Although I have people in my life who empathize and care about our loss, I don't think they could ever truly understand unless they've suffered a loss themselves. To interact with people who've unfortunately been there, is a breath of fresh air, it does help. I'm still opting out of baby showers, I just can't. I'll try to push myself, but when I really start thinking about it I'm just not ready. I can't control running into a bunch of pregnant women when I'm out, but I avoid the things that I can. And that's ok. I do try to push myself sometimes to just deal with being around pregnancies because I feel like I can't let this loss consume me and control my entire life, but it's hard. 

I haven't been around long enough to know if this board gives a sense of false hope, but I do think that having a 'safe place' like this does more good than bad. 

tigerlynx31413

I guess I'll take the "inbetween-er" perspective since I've been here for about 5 months now. In the beginning this safe space truly helped me mentally understand what I did not understand before about this kind of loss. I got to see how everyone else was grieving and different ways to cope. When I have my bad days or even have unexpected triggers I know I can turn to you all to get some hugs or just some perspective. 

I guess in some ways I can understand trigger warnings in conversation for some ladies, but for me, to create a warning as a topic is a little unnecessary. I don't doubt that some do like the idea, but it's not realistic. In order to avoid triggers we would have to shelter ourselves from everything and that is not healthy.

I may also be a SS in thinking that sometimes dealing with triggers is healthy and allows us to grieve/deal with our situations. If we put our grief only in the bubble of TTCAL we will continue to grieve/hurt because we will not have the ability to cope.

ETA: I tried having this not be all over the place and I can't think clearly on how to do it. So sorry if it seems wonky.

yellowcat10

I have not been the most active poster here, and the last few weeks have wavered between becoming more "involved" on the board and stepping back some more.  Part of it has been that I think since I arrived here almost 6 months ago there seem to be more newbies who need more support in regards to triggers etc.  I am not judging, and am glad this place is here, and I know I could not have gotten through my losses without that kind of help from everyone here.  That being said, I am personally past a lot of this and do not want to revert to my hiding ways of the past as others have said.

I think the most important thing I got from this board is the confidence to open up to a friend who has been through all of this before.  I needed a place to be unsure of myself and gain reassurance before I could articulate what I felt and thought, even to someone I knew would be a good source of support in real life.  For me it was not a place to hide, but a place to work things out with women who would not judge.

I have learned a lot here, and most of it from people who were here for a long time before I came along so I think it is important that they feel safe and at home here as well.  I am not sure if there is a way to find balance between everyone at different stages in the greiving processes, but at least it is safe to talk about it.

PinkCamino

ktlovess said:

jms627 said:

ktlovess said:

From the negative side, TTCAL can lead to me obsessing over my loss. This is not a good thing. Sometimes, I just don't want to think about it, and, sometimes, TTCAL forces me to think about it. I know what it was like to be in the first few months after a loss... it was a time full of raw emotions and TTCAL got me through that time. But, now that I am passed that point, this board is sometimes a bad thing.

I definitely agree with this as well.  I'm prone to obsessing and overthinking and the loss just amplified that.  I think that would be my negative if I had to articulate how the board can sometimes be detrimental, however that's probably more on me than the board itself.  The support though is still phenomenal.

@jms627 - I agree that the support is a great thing. But, when you have an obsessive personality - like me, like you (probably like others) - this board is sometimes not fun. I just wish I didn't know all the things I know.... ignorance is truly bliss at times.

I find this interesting. I'm obsessive by nature too and it makes me wonder if we're (and I mean people with this personality trait) are drawn to communities and venues like this because we have this obsessive need to work through things?

When I first got here I was a mess. I introed on TTCAL 2 weeks after my first loss and looking back on it I realize and admit that ttcal was not the place for me. My loss was so so fresh yet I was determined to get pregnant and get pregnant fast because at the time I felt it was the only thing that would heal my heart.

Looking back on that time, I realize that in an effort to heal my heart I submerged myself in this online loss world where most people understood my need to distance myself from IRL situations. My life essentially got divided and I was living in this loss world and trying to avoid the real world because I didn't feel like I could handle the triggers. I lulled through that for nearly a year until I felt ready to dive back into living. Was it healthy? Absolutely not.

I suppose that is what triggered this thread. I've been questioning these issues for months now but never really wanted to bring it up because I'm not here to judge someone elses grief process. The statement we all grieve differently is absolutely true and as a result it's not up to me or a community to stand there and chastise someone if they don't feel they are ready. But, we also need to be aware that at certain points we might inflict or impose this safe space idea on the community in areas of life that don't necessarily need it. It isn't necessary in my opinion to list television shows that may contain a trigger. If we're to start listing all the possible triggers out there we'd never be able to step foot outdoors. It's not realistic. For example, one of my major triggers is double strollers - early on in this journey I remember posting a TP because that specific day I'd seen 5. In some convoluted way I believed the universe was out to punish me with that brutal reminder - I clearly made it about me when in fact it wasn't.

So many ideas going on here. Thanks for sharing ladies.

PinkCamino

Nieko0423 said:

I guess I'll take the "inbetween-er" perspective since I've been here for about 5 months now. In the beginning this safe space truly helped me mentally understand what I did not understand before about this kind of loss. I got to see how everyone else was grieving and different ways to cope. When I have my bad days or even have unexpected triggers I know I can turn to you all to get some hugs or just some perspective. 

I guess in some ways I can understand trigger warnings in conversation for some ladies, but for me, to create a warning as a topic is a little unnecessary. I don't doubt that some do like the idea, but it's not realistic. In order to avoid triggers we would have to shelter ourselves from everything and that is not healthy.

I may also be a SS in thinking that sometimes dealing with triggers is healthy and allows us to grieve/deal with our situations. If we put our grief only in the bubble of TTCAL we will continue to grieve/hurt because we will not have the ability to cope.

ETA: I tried having this not be all over the place and I can't think clearly on how to do it. So sorry if it seems wonky.

I have to agree with this. Not necessarily because I think it's the "right" approach but because of my own experiences. The thread about listing triggers in fall t.v shows for example strikes me as an attempt to protect oneself from emotionally charged moments right? On the flip side, reading it forced me to make a mental list of all those shows and has permanently labled them as "Triggers" and likely I'll skip over them if they're on T.V because I've got that mental note kwim? Is it healthy? nope. I sort of hate that I've been warned about something that I ultimately would be able to handle but those triggers rev up my anxiety and make me worry about it. Take EDDs for example or other loss related anniversaries , the anxiety leading up to them is absolutely horrible but once the day comes it's usual emotional but not nearly as horrible as we've created it to be in our minds. I view this sort of the same way - trigger warnings can actually make the anxiety or fear of a situation worse than the reality of it.

tigerlynx31413

yellowcat10 said:

*Snip*

I think the most important thing I got from this board is the confidence to open up to a friend who has been through all of this before.  I needed a place to be unsure of myself and gain reassurance before I could articulate what I felt and thought, even to someone I knew would be a good source of support in real life.  For me it was not a place to hide, but a place to work things out with women who would not judge.

I have learned a lot here, and most of it from people who were here for a long time before I came along so I think it is important that they feel safe and at home here as well.  I am not sure if there is a way to find balance between everyone at different stages in the greiving processes, but at least it is safe to talk about it.

I love how you articulated this, especially the bold. This is exactly what this board did for me. DH and I have been in our own bubble of denial to the outside world about both of our losses. This board gave me to courage to discuss it with my BFFs, my Mom and my SIL (the later who both have suffered miscarriages). Without this "sounding board" of support I don't know that I could have done that.

Km380

I can definitely see how there can be negatives. I agree with what a lot of the pp’s have said. For me, when I first joined I was not emotionally doing well. I was lost and alone and just in a bad place. Finding this support (in addition to therapy) did wonders for me. Do I think I can hide from pregnancy in the world, in media, in books? No. And 90% of the time, I don’t want to hide. But there are still days when hiding is good, temporarily. To be able to come here and TP something or just vent, it helps. Am I going to go to a baby shower? No. I recognize that I am still not in a place to handle that. I hope I will not always feel this way. Had you asked this 4 months ago, I probably would have had a different answer  

I do have days where maybe I just want to not think about it and TTCAL is not a good place. Days where this journey just exhausts me. Perhaps sometimes surrounding yourself with people in the same situation is just not a good idea. But friends IRL don’t understand, and I hope they never do.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, the support I get here has helped and continues to help me, but I don’t live in a bubble and that is a good thing.

 

Geez that felt like a ramble, hope it made sense!

Eta weird copy/paste formatting

tigerlynx31413

PinkCamino said:

Nieko0423 said:

I guess I'll take the "inbetween-er" perspective since I've been here for about 5 months now. In the beginning this safe space truly helped me mentally understand what I did not understand before about this kind of loss. I got to see how everyone else was grieving and different ways to cope. When I have my bad days or even have unexpected triggers I know I can turn to you all to get some hugs or just some perspective. 

I guess in some ways I can understand trigger warnings in conversation for some ladies, but for me, to create a warning as a topic is a little unnecessary. I don't doubt that some do like the idea, but it's not realistic. In order to avoid triggers we would have to shelter ourselves from everything and that is not healthy.

I may also be a SS in thinking that sometimes dealing with triggers is healthy and allows us to grieve/deal with our situations. If we put our grief only in the bubble of TTCAL we will continue to grieve/hurt because we will not have the ability to cope.

ETA: I tried having this not be all over the place and I can't think clearly on how to do it. So sorry if it seems wonky.

I have to agree with this. Not necessarily because I think it's the "right" approach but because of my own experiences. The thread about listing triggers in fall t.v shows for example strikes me as an attempt to protect oneself from emotionally charged moments right? On the flip side, reading it forced me to make a mental list of all those shows and has permanently labled them as "Triggers" and likely I'll skip over them if they're on T.V because I've got that mental note kwim? Is it healthy? nope. I sort of hate that I've been warned about something that I ultimately would be able to handle but those triggers rev up my anxiety and make me worry about it. Take EDDs for example or other loss related anniversaries , the anxiety leading up to them is absolutely horrible but once the day comes it's usual emotional but not nearly as horrible as we've created it to be in our minds. I view this sort of the same way - trigger warnings can actually make the anxiety or fear of a situation worse than the reality of it.

The TV shows thing is exactly what I was thinking about. I think every single show I watch would have some form of trigger. I'm not going to stop watching a show I love just because it may contain a trigger. If it does and it affects me, I'm sure I'll cry about it. But then I'll move on because it has no effect on me and my situation. Hell, it's a story!

PinkCamino

Km380 said:

I can definitely see how there can be negatives. I agree with what a lot of the pp’s have said. For me, when I first joined I was not emotionally doing well. I was lost and alone and just in a bad place. Finding this support (in addition to therapy) did wonders for me. Do I think I can hide from pregnancy in the world, in media, in books? No. And 90% of the time, I don’t want to hide. But there are still days when hiding is good, temporarily. To be able to come here and TP something or just vent, it helps. Am I going to go to a baby shower? No. I recognize that I am still not in a place to handle that. I hope I will not always feel this way. Had you asked this 4 months ago, I probably would have had a different answer.

 

I do have days where maybe I just want to not think about it and TTCAL is not a good place. Days where this journey just exhausts me. Perhaps sometimes surrounding yourself with people in the same situation is just not a good idea. But friends IRL don’t understand, and I hope they never do.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, the support I get here has helped and continues to help me, but I don’t live in a bubble and that is a good thing.

 

Geez that felt like a ramble, hope it made sense!

Yes it made total sense. My initial post was a ramble in itself so I'm just grateful that everyone is taking the time to respond and share their opinion. Not only does it give me some insight into where you are in your journey but it also helps me understand the need for this safe space idea that I guess I'm lost touch with recently.

yellowcat10

One other thing I want to add (just reminded of this as a delivery of drugs came to my house!).  For me, TTC is now a bit tainted, and as much as I want to get pg, there is the constant fear of another loss.  I find that I am able to talk about TTC here because most people understand this fear and I do not need to articulate it.  I am not active on other boards mainly because I feel my fear might cause me to not be as supportive as I should be, while here it is a known entity and no one expects people to give more support than they are able.

negritosmami

im relatively new as well and i think about this subject alot actually.. I wonder if this board is going to make me even more terrified than i already am if im ever able to become pregnant again. I have learned so much here about loss/infertility that i am now wayyyy more aware of what could go wrong. That is terrifying.

That being said, this has been a place where i can truly say EXACTLY what i feel and know that countelss other women may know that feeling as well. nothing positive comes without its negatives so i accept the good with the bad. But i definitely understand what you are saying @pinkcamino

PinkCamino

negritosmami said:

im relatively new as well and i think about this subject alot actually.. I wonder if this board is going to make me even more terrified than i already am if im ever able to become pregnant again. I have learned so much here about loss/infertility that i am now wayyyy more aware of what could go wrong. That is terrifying.

That being said, this has been a place where i can truly say EXACTLY what i feel and know that countelss other women may know that feeling as well. nothing positive comes without its negatives so i accept the good with the bad. But i definitely understand what you are saying @pinkcamino

This.

It's a curse. I know so much now that I can't possible take this process lightly and NTNP for example. I need to know how many DPO I am. I need to know this because I know what the color of a potential line should look like at any given DPO. The result of knowing too much is not being able to stop knowing or to stop charting or to stop POASing OPK. I had this conversation with my husband the other night and to keep my sanity I need to keep doing all the things that makes me insane. It's a viscious viscous cycle.

Elliecat17

I think that alot of the pros and cons have been covered already. But for me this is a place to come where people will understand why somedays I am really happy for friends/coworkers who are expecting and why other days it makes me want to cry and eat all the chocolate. It's nice sometimes to be able to talk with others who might have been where you are, and know what questions to ask, and who are in a way being advocates for you. 

But this can be very dangerous because it could be a bubble of unreality. 

However for me this place is simply some place I can go and talk openly about loss, difficulty conceiving/keeping a LO and simply be hurt at times. I know this isn't the real world, but it actually helps me deal with the real world. I work with pregnant women and newborns and children up to age 3. If I was super bothered all the time by this I would be jobless, but I love my job, and sometimes loving my job means needing to grip about how easy it looks sometimes for others. Hope I made sense.

Also This board gives me hope, and has allowed me to be more open about loss, which has allowed me to help others IRL.

Edited: more thoughts...

rslh10

For me personally the board was a place to come and tell my story to a room full of women who knew what I was experiencing. I had no one IRL who I could speak to about it as openly as I have here. Sure I had DH, and obviously we talked about it (more than he probably would have liked), but I needed to grieve with people who could relate. 

Now, I love coming and offering support to people who are experiencing the same feeling I had. Lots of you made me feel very welcomed when I posted my intro, so I want to be that "light" for people in a very dark place who may not know how to handle it. I just want to make sure that person knows that they're not alone, even if it's not IRL.

I don't live in a bubble, I can't. I can't "escape" triggers, and honestly, I don't want to live my life like that. If I feel like going somewhere, and there is a pregnant person there...I'm not going to leave. It may make me feel sad for a second, but I don't know their story. Who knows if they had struggles, or if they had ease. I can't judge that person for being pregnant.

This is a place that I can come to offer support, receive support, or joke around about stupid drinking gifs when we feel like it. I've also made a few friends whom I love dearly, and am SO thankful to have as part of my life, even if we met online and under shitty circumstances.

That's what TTCAL is to me.

mrsjg2013

It seems to me that we are all very self-aware, which is great.  Some know that spending a lot of time here is not always in their best interest (due to obsessing, having difficulties seeing other's posts, etc) and some know that they thrive on a high level of involvement.  For those in the middle, I think it's a bit more difficult, but as with most things, moderation is key?  I think as long as we are aware of this, we can take measures to either distance ourselves and limit our bumping, or dive right in and lean on the support offered.  

matiekae

I can relate to other newbie posts about how this is such a great place to hear how others cope, and to be able to say what I feel here to people who really understand. No one IRL has said anything about me "getting over it" yet, but it's only been 3 weeks... so when they do I'm sure I'll be very happy to have this available. I am also way more comfortable talking about it IRL because of you.

 Speaking of 3 weeks, I feel that because of this community it feels like it's been longer. I feel that being educated and comforted by you all has helped so much to soften that sharp blow. I have a long way to go, and I don't expect you all to get me there alone, but knowing I have you is an amazing feeling.

Something I want to add is that the day after I got my BFP I joined in my "Birth Month Club." I was so excited, and I was on there almost every free moment... but when I had my MC it was like my day was missing something, and work has been very slow so I was alone with my thoughts for 11 hours out of the day. I decided to check this community out and knew this was the place I needed to be. It really helped to ease the sudden exit from A15.

As for knowledge gained from the board making TTC more scary, I suppose it does a little. But the strength that you ladies seem to have really gives me an optimistic feeling that even when the TTC challenges get harder, you don't have to give up. And that outweighs the fears at this point for me.

 I can't relate to how those of you who have been here the longest feel about the board, but I can definitely tell you that I'm glad you are here or the board would be different for me. So basically, thanks for being here!

.... This became much longer than I intended....

PinkCamino

Thank you for all your responses ladies. I've noticed most of you pointed out that it was rambly but I think that the entire topic in general is a difficult one to articulate and process. I'm so grateful you've all taken the time to respond and share your points of view.

Buttercup509

I definitely feel like the board can make me obsess about my loss and TTC. That's why I have taken a huge step back. I have been lurking some, but I haven't posted in about three weeks. I feel like I could have typed exactly what @momentomori did. I can't open intros because it is hard to read loss stories over and over again. TTCAL was a huge help in the beginning and I am so glad this board is here. However, I feel like I don't really belong here anymore. 

I also think that some of the warnings are overkill, but I am not here to judge. Like someone else said, we all grieve differently. I'm also seven months out from my loss so I would imagine my opinion is different than someone fresh from a loss. I have bad days sometimes, but I don't really have triggers. 

Sorry I rambled a little. I am glad you brought this up, Pink. I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

sunflwra

***LC mentioned below- feel free to move past my reply if difficult- it factors in to my experience so I did think it was important to mention***

 

 

 

So, as noted above, I definitely realize that my experience is different than many here since have a LC.  I joined TB while TTGP and then moved on to my BMB.  I have fantastic support there however, while a few had experienced early losses, none had gone through a later loss and I was on a mission for information, so I needed other help.  I started with the loss board and while they were absolutely amazing while I was going through it and about 2 months afterwards, as I was getting nearer to TTC, it became too much.  As others have said, it made me aware of just how often these things happen.  As I was trying to get to a place where the excitement of getting pregnant outweighed the fear, I was overwhelmed and I had to leave.  I felt horrible bc they had done so much for me but I couldn't be there and provide the support that I wanted to and not let it put me in a really bad place.

TTCAL has been a wonderful safe haven for me over the last 8 months.  For me, it's not about triggers so much- there are definitely days that are tougher than others but I know that I am so beyond lucky to have my daughter and that she has saved me a time or a thousand throughout this horrible journey.  Again, I hope this mention is not coming off as hurtful because that is absolutely not my intention- I just hope it explains my perspective.

For me, this has been a place of huge support. I have wonderful people in my life but no one that has gone through anything like this and as much as they try, they will never understand.  That's what I've found here- understanding.  I've taken a step back here and there when I'm going through a rough patch and don't feel like I can give the support I should and you all have always been a welcoming hug back, no matter what.

I can definitely understand how this place could become a protective bubble but for those that may feel that way sometimes, I hope the support given and received here can also give some courage to face those triggers.  I know many here haven't shared their losses beyond family or close friends but I do think that talking about my losses here started making it easier to talk about it outside of the bubble. I guess all of this is to ultimately say that I hope ladies can use this place for the support, comfort and protection that they need at times but that it also helps build them up to deal with the world outside of the protective bubble as well. 

kittymeowbark

I have been on this board since my loss seven months ago. At first this place was my "go to."
Bad day, good day, did not matter because I could be found here. Productivity at work clearly dropped, but I found a place where people understood what I was going through. The heartache, the broken dreams, the stupidity of others who say "it happened for a reason." This place which is made up of so many wonderful women was here to support. For that I am extremely thankful. I truly do not know and do not want to think about the dark place I could have been in without this board.

That said, as time has passed and so many women came and went, I am in a place where I feel this board reminds me of the fact that 7+ months later, I am still not pregnant. I am aware it takes 1+ years, however it is a sobering feeling to watch my EDD check-in go from 15 people to 4. I still feel this board can offer so much to so many people, but for me personally, I have began slowly stepping away. I am hoping I can be in a better place to come back and offer the support I once did. 

katib77

As one of the few posters who is CFNBC my perspective is in the process of changing.

I didn't post in the multiple loss check in this morning because I wanted to wait until I had time to come home and not post mobile - and when I saw this post I thought the same thing.  

Because I'm now not only past my two loss EDD's, but I'm now living life knowing I'll most likely never ever get pregnant (After five years of infertility we have a 3% chance of getting PG on our own and we've given up on more treatments and haven't bothered to time sex in the last year) I have been pulling further away the last three months.  I'm now at the point I don't *need* the board anymore...I come here several times a week now (instead of per day) simply from habit or boredom.  

After each loss, this board was cathartic to feel less alone, share, and support.  And with so much time in the infertility world I felt it was good to pass on my IF knowledge where I could, this board included.  

But yes, there is a time for needing this board - and there is a time where you find you can just move on.  I may not be 100% there but for the first time I found myself having not stopped by for days, and not checked in to any check ins for five days and thought "Maybe it's time to just walk away."  I have some lifelong friends I made on TB but after five years, I just find myself giving less and less support.   And that's OK....because I need so little myself.  Now it's just the habit I'm trying to break.  

But more than anything - because everyone is in different stages, grieves differently, and copes differently it's up to each person to decide who and how they'll stay in touch with those they connected with and when it's time to just move on.  For me that time is getting closer by the day.  I am forever grateful for the support I got, and what I could give.  And I think it's healthy that I'm doing well enough to silently slink away. 

meredithcarole

So I am answering this without reading the other responses (I'll go back, but I wanted to give an unbiased opinion).  The opinion below is, of course, my own and I certainly do not judge anyone who feels differently.  We are all on our own paths, even if they have converged here, and ultimately the only person you need to please is yourself.  

I think that it is good to have TTCAL as a safe place; it is good to be "around" those who understand, but you do still have to be able to transition to real life.  Real life doesn't stop just because my heart is broken.  Real life doesn't stop because I don't want to participate at points.  Real life doesn't stop and let me catch up. 

For some women FB is too much.  For me, well, it is reality (or as real as Facebook can be).  Do I pause and get sad for a moment seeing something about someone being KTFU?  Yes.  Do I congratulate them anyway?  Yes.  To me it is not worth not knowing what others are up to because I might occasionally experience some hurt. 

For others seeing a PG woman is too much.  At times it is for me, too.  I cried at Starbucks one day because the barrista was, but it's real life.  PG women are going to be there.  I can reflect and mourn a bit (and I do), but I cannot hide my head in the sand forever.  I need to be able to participate, I don't want to be constantly on the periphery.  

I haven't been on this journey nearly as long as some.  I think it is entirely reasonable and right to think that one's perspective changes over time.  Right now I am in a place where I still have hope, I know I may not forever. I think my husband put it in the best terms for me: it is okay to want to be in the same condition as someone else, but would you take it part and parcel?  If you want part of their life would you be willing to take all of it?  And my answer is no.  I want this for me, for us.  I do not want someone else's joys because I do not want their sorrows.  

So I think that TTCAL is a good place for me where I am right now.  I think the mutual support and encouragement is what I need for where I am.  Do I see that there would come a point where I would (need to?) move beyond it?  Yes.  I think you know when you are there one way or another and there is no shame in it.  Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and step back into the light.  One might find it is not as frightening as one thinks.

skategirl128

At one point this board was my safe haven. I was fresh from my loss and needed advice. Then when I discovered through my time of grieving that my then ex was cheating on me the ladies here helped me through. They saw me through the evolution of a friendship into what is now my SO.

Over the past 20 months that I've been here I've seen many friends come and go. In the last little while I've really pulled away. I have been tta pretty much the entire time I've been here and I'm pretty well settled on not ttc again. I do run the tta check in because I know how hard of a place that can be. But, I don't need the trigger warning and I am around children and babies all the time. I can't escape and wouldn't want to. I do love the ladies here and give support when I can. Being here has magnified my loss though and I know that it's not always healthy.

BookishMomma

ktlovess said:

jms627 said:

ktlovess said:

From the negative side, TTCAL can lead to me obsessing over my loss. This is not a good thing. Sometimes, I just don't want to think about it, and, sometimes, TTCAL forces me to think about it. I know what it was like to be in the first few months after a loss... it was a time full of raw emotions and TTCAL got me through that time. But, now that I am passed that point, this board is sometimes a bad thing.

I definitely agree with this as well.  I'm prone to obsessing and overthinking and the loss just amplified that.  I think that would be my negative if I had to articulate how the board can sometimes be detrimental, however that's probably more on me than the board itself.  The support though is still phenomenal.

@jms627 - I agree that the support is a great thing. But, when you have an obsessive personality - like me, like you (probably like others) - this board is sometimes not fun. I just wish I didn't know all the things I know.... ignorance is truly bliss at times.

-------

This is me, too. I have a high strung & obsessive personality. But if I didn't have this board I would probably wear out DH with my obsessing. I have diagnosed anxiety & depression that I've dealt with for years, long before my losses.

I don't doubt some of my TTC related obsessing is unhealthy. For this reason I often have taken breaks from temping. I think I'd still obsess even without the board, though, and just feel more alone about it.

rubysi

I have been on this board now 11 months. In the beginning I truly needed this board. I was a mess and had no one to confide in. I think my DH just wanted to be able to stop the tears. Looking back therapy would have been helpful. The continued words of encouragement and sense of security got me through the first few rough months. The nice thing about this community is everyone here knows what you are going through. Now I am mostly a lurker for both here and pgal. I like to here the success stories much more now then the introductions. I have found I am able to speak more openly IRL about my loss because I have found the strength here to do this. I am not in the raw stages that I need to be warned of triggers in shows but maybe in the first few months I would have. I don't get offended by people who have children,  pregnancies. I find the support I need now on my check ins I participate in. I answer newbie questions if I have something different to offer. And for now I still love everyone here and do my best to contribute.

gscoville

So many thoughts roiling through my brain, I've loved reading everyone's responses here although now I feel like I have a dozen+ people I could quote or relate to and say "that's how I feel!" but don't know where to start!

At any rate, having been here for over a year and a half, I've definitely found my need for and use of this board has changed a great deal.  Like was said earlier, this place is my crack, my habit, I come here every day even though I don't often post as much as I used to.  I do find I'm distancing myself to some extent as our TTC journey comes to an end, and as such I have a hard time reading intros and connecting with newbies.  I just don't feel like I can invest, KWIM?  And I do feel bad about this, as I know I was a newbie myself and welcomed in at some point, but I suppose it's just a part of the inevitable cycle of TTCAL.  I know I relate much more to those who came here around the same time I did, and the newbies joining now will likely forge those same closer relationships with other newbies around them.  

I appreciate the safe place aspect that is needed for many, especially those who are newer to loss, but sometimes I find the board to be a bit heavy and I get impatient with the drama of maintaining the safe space.  I've moved on to some degree I guess, and have a hard time scaling myself back to that more heightened awareness of triggers and raw pain that I know those newer to loss are experiencing.  When I do post I find myself being more blunt, tending more towards 'tough love' (thanks Wicked for articulating that for me too) than hugs, and sometimes have to remind myself that the people I'm responding to may be hurt by that tougher approach and I should step back.  Ironic given the Most Patient award in my siggy I suppose! .   

I do find myself more on TTGP where I can fly my blunt flag without feeling guilty about it, it's more raucous and light hearted there and suits my current frame of mind better.  Right now every day I'm on TTCAL I seem to just see a board full of checkins and newbies and I feel kind of like the fossil out of date with the new world.  I post on the odd thread, but my heart just isn't in it, I don't feel like I can relate anymore.  I still have some hurt that I'm dealing with in regards to where we are on this journey, but it's such a different place from where the majority of the current board is at.  I do still like posting on the fun threads, and offering advice where I feel I can, but I just don't feel as invested as perhaps I should.    I guess my rambling point here is that while I don't know quite how to 'quit' TTCAL entirely, as I still appreciate the social aspect and the interactions and friendships especially with the 'longer termers' I know, I do feel like I have outgrown it to a large extent. I should probably feel more sad about this, but given where we're at it just feels inevitable and I've sort of been mentally preparing myself for this for a while now.  

I do know that love the haven TTCAL has been for me for so long, and I cannot express enough love and appreciation for everyone for just being here all this time!!  

MrsKush1014

So much of what I feel has already been said.  My loss was 5 months ago today and you lovely ladies helped me through a dark time.  I only hope I have provided as much support as you all have given me.  I haven't been active as much the last month due to my work and travel schedule, and I find myself wondering what's going on in the TTCAL world.  I wish I could give all of you hugs IRL for the tears and laughs we have shared.

I believe that most of the warnings on the board are excessive, but at the same time they made me feel safe when I needed them, so I guess it is all in the eye of the beholder.  I felt fragile my first couple of months post-loss and this board made me stronger.  I still avoid Facebook because it seems as though everyone and their sister is pregnant or just had a baby or whatever.  It's still a bit overwhelming to be bombarded by birth announcements, ultrasound photos, pregnancy announcements, etc. whenever I log in.  For the most part I don't miss Facebook as much as I thought I would.  Eventually I'll get back on and reconnect with people I've been avoiding, but for now I don't miss it.  

BethKate2

I agree with the sentiment that after a while, you kind of "graduate" from the board. For those of us who are dealing with RPL, IF diagnoses, extended periods of TTA, or the likelihood of being CFNBC, it can be hard to see the revolving door that is the nature of TTC boards. It also can be hard to be reminded of the emotions (or even the hope and naiveté) of being fresh from loss and newly TTC.

I've found myself being less active on the board recently, but at the same time, I'm still at a point where I enjoy being able to offer support and advice to others, most days. I also know how invaluable this board has been to me in the last 15 months.

I agree that this board isn't real life. We try to protect ourselves and the other ladies here in ways that just can't happen IRL. I have no desire to live in a bubble, but I do see the value that this board brings and understand the need to try to keep this a safe place as much as possible.

I still love this board and come here almost daily, but I don't "need" it the way I did a year ago.

stephy1221

Really good discussion topic.

I am relatively new here, been on for a few months. It was very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings about my loss for a long time and posting on the miscarriage board was my only outlet to work through this. Once I felt a little better I also posted/hung out here.

 I do okay in most real life situations that are common trigger so I feel like having a community of people who completely understand this journey is a nice support to have but I do not expect the attitudes of this community to cross over to real life.