angel baby and rainbow baby

mmsweeney1

I just came here to share tonight because I figured some of you would have had similar feelings.

I have a few pictures of my stillborn son, and because of health complications I had at delivery I don't really remember seeing him. I dislike many of the pictures because his mouth is hanging open, and, for lack of better wording, he really looks dead. (That really does sound terrible.)

Tonight I was watching my 5 week old baby girl as she fell asleep after nursing. She was sleeping with her mouth open and she looked so much like her brother. Every once in a while it hits me how much she resembles him. It makes me sad because they should be cute little siblings who grow up together. I also hate the fact that we never got to see our son's face making cute little expressions. It's like now that I have a living baby I know even more what we are missing after losing him.

Just had to get some of that out I guess!

lexusolsen

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a sunshine baby and sometimes dh and I feel the same way. Even happy events remind us that they should be doing whatever it is together.

stefuge

****DS mentioned****



((Hugs)). I have had many of those same thoughts about our photos of Colton - in some it looks like he is sleeping but in others he really does look dead and I just cringe every time I see them. We have had the same thoughts about our sunshine child also - we have lived through all of the baby stages and watching him grow and it is a daily reminder of everything we are missing out on with Colton. I choose, on good days, to use it as a reminder of how precious our older son is and to enjoy the moments we have with him, rather than wallowing in all that we have lost, although I do go there often as well. There is a quote I love from the book "an exact replica of a figment of my imagination" where the author talks about her love towards her angel baby and her rainbow baby - "the love for the first magnifies the love for the second and vice versa." Your love for your living child feels strengthened because of the loss of your angel baby, and yet your love for your angel baby feels strengthened because of the life with your living child. PAL is tough. So many big ((hugs)). Enjoy these moments with your new LO and just take it moment by moment.

mmsweeney1

I love that quote. I do feel especially thankful for my new daughter. My husband and I often talk about how losing a baby makes us love our rainbow more. I think we overlook the challenges of the newborn stage because no matter what we are so glad to have her. We are truly able to just love and enjoy her without complaining. Of course it's still early, but we never complain about her. My husband commented that even if she screams it's better than the silence we have experienced. I really do believe it is the one good thing to come out of losing our first.

princezjk

~~~sig warning~~~

@mmsweeney1‌ - I could have written this post myself. I have a nasty habit of waking my rainbow when he is sleeping to make sure he is breathing. It is very terms of endearment. Our rainbow looks different enough from our angel, but sometimes, especially when he sleeps, I see her. I am curious how that will change as he grows since I only knew my angel as a baby.

@stefuge‌ - love that quote and love that book. It is the best one I've read on loss. I love the last sentence of the book. "It is a happy life, but someone is missing. It is a happy life, and someone is missing. It is a happy life." I just love the idea that the love we have for out children doesn't have to be either/or. We can both grieve our loss and rejoice in our rainbows simultaneously.

mmsweeney1

@princezjk‌ I am constantly making sure she is breathing too. I wonder if that will ever get better. I'm irrationally afraid of SIDS even though it's so rare. But then, so is stillbirth and I've already been on the wrong side of that statistic!

lexusolsen

mmsweeney1 said:

@princezjk‌ I am constantly making sure she is breathing too. I wonder if that will ever get better. I'm irrationally afraid of SIDS even though it's so rare. But then, so is stillbirth and I've already been on the wrong side of that statistic!

Statistics are great until you are one. They mean nothing to me anymore.

Noethola

***Ticker***

Right there with you. They look so much alike. There are times when he is sleeping he looks as still as she was, and there are moments of utter panic. But his chest continues to go up and down as he breathes. 

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY/rainbow baby mentioned***




I'm the same way with my rainbow baby. Even though we have an AngelCare monitor (and she's 8 months old now), I am constantly checking on her. I didn't think she and Devon looked alike, but when she sleeps, she looks exactly like how I remember him. It breaks my heart but also makes me smile because I feel like a piece of Devon will always be with his sister, even as she grows and doesn't look like him anymore since I only know him as a baby. I love that quote that was shared by pp, too. PAL is much harder than I thought it would be, but those precious moments with Mia help me get through missing Devon. So many hugs to you.

angelsnight

mmsweeney1 said:

@princezjk‌ I am constantly making sure she is breathing too. I wonder if that will ever get better. I'm irrationally afraid of SIDS even though it's so rare. But then, so is stillbirth and I've already been on the wrong side of that statistic!

Ticker warning

I am too, I hardly slept the first few weeks after we brought our rainbow home because I was absolutely terrified of something happening to her.  I still am, but I think now it has morphed into normal parent worry.  But the other day she was in her jumperoo while I did some housework.  I came into the room and found her facedown with her head on the toy tray of the jumper.  I freaked and immediately ran to her....she was just napping, but it looked like such an unnatural position it scared me so bad.

I was just saying today how I always wonder what our angel would have looked like at this age, and how much she would have looked like our rainbow.  It's hard to tell since our angel was only 22 weeks gestation and her face was pretty bruised, but they definitely had the same nose and lips (mine).  I am so so thankful for my rainbow, but I get very sad that we didn't get to do these same things with our angel.

kflynn81

I will probably constantly wonder if this rainbow baby looks like Jack. Since we didn't choose to meet him after delivery we only have the 3D ultrasound from 15 weeks to guess what he would have looked like. I'm actually really hoping this is a girl just for anxiety purposes. I think having another boy would only intensify that curiosity.