Problems with FI's family

dmndsr4eva

FI and I have been together now for about 3 years.  It has been a long bumpy road.  Mainly because it began right after I broke up with ex and wasn't really ready for a new commitment.  However we both for whatever reason have decided to continue the relationship and sort through our issues.  We had broken up for about a 2 month period.  During that time he had tried dating other women.  I say tried because it was mostly just texting and lunch and nothing serious.  We have since reconciled. 

However, prior to us breaking up he had already started trying to date.  So there was a huge fight when I discovered that he was (again) texting other women while he had said he was committed to working on our relationship.   Well for various reasons his family and my family heard about what happened.  So basically at this point his family does not like me and told him they don't think we should be together. 

So this has made things incredibly difficult.  We plan to stay together and I don't know going forward how to handle holidays, etc.  I really hate to do everything apart from his family but things are so incredibly strained I just don't see how I would want to be around them for the holidays.  I already skipped his birthday celebration with them.  I am not as concerned about his parents as I am with his daughter.  If I don't find a way to reconcile with her I can see there is really not much point in staying with him as I don't want to deal with animosity with her forever.  

Have you dealt with strained relationships?  Is there any way to mend it?

ambrvan

Not exactly the same boat, but FWIW...

My family, mostly my mother *strongly disliked* H from the time we started dating because he had been married before and had a child. My mother disliked, pretty much outright hated, everything about him - the way he talked, where he was from, how he acted, how he looked, lack of education, his job, EVERYTHING. And she did not hide it. She didn't even just leave it hanging in the air. She spoke out about it to him, to me, to everyone she could.

H never made me choose. But I did. I told her if she could not respect me enough to respect me choices in love and family and could not respect my, then, FI then there was no reason for us to continue a relationship. I didn't ask her to like him, just respect my choices and, as an extension of that, him also. She couldn't. So I followed through, and we ended up not speaking for at least a year.
She still doesn't like H, but he is secure in the fact I will not let my live and respect for him be influenced by outsiders. And my mother is sure that my loyalty is to my husband and my children, always first and foremost. The choice from there on is hers.

And as for issues with my MIL... H does not want to choose sides, so while I disagree with his passive stance when his mother is meddling or deliberately causing drama between us, I have learned that H appreciates it more when I deal with the issue myself. So she and I handle our own problems now, without him involved at all. For many that would not work and would only fuel the fire, but for us, it works perfectly well.

dmndsr4eva

I can see that the only way this works is if each of us tell the respective family members that we plan to be together and hope they will support it.  I have no problem doing that on my side.  I can see how this will be an issue with his daughter as I think he tends to just avoid it all together rather than upsetting her or disappointing her. 

 

riverbed

I am in the same boat, except it is my family that is having trouble accepting him. His family (brother & mom) voiced their concerns, but we have talked and they have accepted me, and things are back to as if nothing happened before. As for his daughter, after we decided to get back together after a month and 1/2 apart we talked to her, and things were fine. 

It got a little rocky when I had a miscarriage this summer. I was an emotional mess, hormones had been crazy while pregnant and then losing the baby sent me into a not good place. We decided to be completely honest with her about what had happened, because we knew she could tell the situation was strained again. We wanted to assure her that it wasn't anything either of us did that was causing me to be on edge. We talked with her about the pregnancy and how unexpected it was and all the stress that came with it, and about the miscarriage. She is 13 and she was very glad we told her. She confessed that she was worried that I was going to leave and hurt her dad again. (I broke up with him the first time because we were stuck in a crazy cycle & he didn't handle it well- neither did I, but she didn't see that).

Now if we have a disagreement or I get frustrated, I make sure and talk to her, the same way I do her dad. Like the other morning I was PMSing and he drank the last of the OJ, and I got all upset, for like 2 minutes.  I walked outside took 5 deep breathes and on my way back in I told her that I was being ridiculous, and then I apologized to her dad. I think it is important that she sees adults admitting to and owning their mistakes and behaviors.

My family on the other hand, I have just decided to ignore it, they will come around. He will be at family functions like holidays. We invite my mom to do things, and she is slowly coming around. My sister is, too. She just told me yesterday that she can see how happy I am, and that is really the only thing that will change the way she feels about him, to see me happy.

So I suggest talking, be open, own your mistakes, focus on you, if he is happy and his family can see that, they will come around.

Oh and he was torn about talking to her, and he used to be the type to keep it in, and act like the kids can't tell something is wrong. He finally saw that they can, and they will make up their own reasons in their heads as to what is happening and who is at fault, and its not going to be the birth parent. For us, we find it best to be open with her. With the younger kids we try to just deal with any situation as it comes along.