Not doing so well ... letting all emotions out

tamlynd

Hi fellow heartbroken ladies, I have been reading posts for a week now. I am 26 , married for 3 years and went off the pill to try for a baby and fell preg straight away. unfortunately I had a miscarriage a week ago. My whole world has been turned around and is upside down. I started noticing a tiny bit of old blood (brown discharge) on Wednesday last week and called the doctor. I only noticed it when I went for a wee and wiped. But it really was a little. I called the doc and they told me to monitor it and come to my already scheduled appointment on friday. It sort of went away and I had a lovely appointment on friday and got to see my little precious xxx and hubby and i heard the beautiful heartbeat . All was good although doc had noticed a hb of 114 at 6 weeks He made a note but didn't mention it to us. This was our first pregnancy and we didn't know what to expect. We went home very happy and doc wasn't concerned. Then on Sunday it all started. I started having cramps and they got worse. I was at my mom's birthday lunch and had just ordered. I went to the bathroom a few times to check and it started off with there being just a little blood... to more and more... I ended up leaving and got my hubby to take me to the hospital. As I got to the hospital I felt a gush and made it to the bathroom. I lost my little child in that random bathroom with ppl in the waiting room just sitting there. My hubby got me a pad from the staff and I went into the emergency room and waited for my gynae that was on call. When he arrived he took me to his room and immediately did an internal scan and told me that it didn't look good and that I had had a miscarriage. He was very supportive and compassionate. He sat hubby and I down and spoke us through what had happened and the way forward. I went in for a d and c the following morning (the evac with the suction) to clear out the remaining tissues. I woke up in a bit of pain which felt like period pain, then the meds kicked in. I have such an empty feeling and have not been coping. I went back to work too early (2 days after the op) and have had to ask for more leave now. The bleeding is stopping and basically stopped now and has been light after the d and c. I know with all of me that my child is in heaven with the Lord God and this brings me comfort and peace. I still feel empty though. Still feels like a bad dream. I am so emotional and cry and cry and cry. My friends and now my mom too want me to see someone to talk to. I have always been a sensitive woman and now with the pregnancy hormones still in me. I feel that it is worse. I only knew my child was growing in me for 3 and a bit weeks. But oh were those 3 weeks wonderful and they felt like a lifetime. I am and was so attached to my little one. My tiny incomplete baby who hubby and I named Bai like Bay which means pure x and if he is a she when we meet him or her one day... then her name will be Bailee. X we are using the ways we know best to try and cope. I have been through a whirlwind of emotions this last week. Doc had assured us that there was nothing I did or didn't do. But you all know the feelings, the questions, the heartache. I know I have to just accept it now. But I am finding it hard to. The first few days I still felt pregnant, but now it is just that empty feeling. Did you guys talk to someone? Sorry for all the details. But I do feel that this will help x

KingLED

I'm sorry for your loss.

ctk181

I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well how you feel. I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea. I know some ladies here have done that and it has helped them process the emotions. I am considering it for myself.

Eveiii

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a horrible thing to go through. It's so beautiful you can take comfort in knowing that your angel is in heave with god and you will meet them one day. (It was one of the only things that helped me get me through)

I think talking to someone is a great idea and it can't do no harm. It's great to talk to someone you don't know and that you can open up to and not feel judged or their opinion on you.

I personally really struggled with it and went and talked with my doctor and was prescribed anti depressant. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help.

shadowandme

Hi Tamylnd. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. 

I personally believe therapy can be a great help. The grieving process is different for everyone and therapy allows you to have a safe place to grieve for however long and in whatever ways you need to. A good therapist will listen to you and be there for any emotion, anger, sadness, confusion, fear... They will guide you, hold hope for you when you have none to hold, let you vent, or simply just be with you while you grieve the loss of the baby you already loved so much. Like Evelil says, there is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. 

Take care of yourself and do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself through this difficult time. 

Lots of love.

GummiBearJ

I am very sorry for your loss. It's a devastating and often lonely experience, but I promise you will find ways to cope and live with this and be ok again. Take all the time you need and if you want to focus on just getting through minute to minute, that's fine too. I do recommend talking to someone whenever you're ready, and focusing on your own wellness - eating well, meditation, whatever gives you some sense of control again.

tamlynd

Thank you for taking the time to reply moms to angels. So sorry that we all are here, meaning that we all have lost our little one or more than one little one. I appreciate your condolences and hugs and love. I went to see a psychologist today and had a good session. I really felt a little lighter after our talk. I was very nervous to go and didn't know what to expect ,even though I did do psychology as a subject for my teaching degree. I really liked the way he ran the session and we managed to talk about the hows and whys and whats of what I am feeling and dealing with. I really feel that it was worthwhile as losing my baby has felt different to losing my dad to cancer suddenly 3 years ago. I was extremely close to my dad too Different loves and dreams and different missing or longing for too. I am glad I went. I also went past my gynae and the anesthetist and gave them a little gift of chocolate and a special card. I wanted them to know that I appreciate what they have done for me. Both Drs had been very compassionate and caring and I am the kind of person that is brought great joy in showing others that they are appreciated. It felt healing. Xxx I also felt that as I left the town back to my home town, I had grey clouds behind me and beautiful African blue skies in front of me x to me it was a reminder from God that blue skies are ahead x I am still emotional and will find ways to successfully integrate my loss into my life. I will never forget my Bai and my experience, so I will learn to cope and manage in time. I encourage you ladies to do something that you know makes your heart smile. Like the small gifts of appreciation and kind words in the cards that I gave out today. It can slowly help heal. Do something you know will make you feel a bit better for a little while. Xxx hugs xxx

ScienceMama

Hi We Are Glad You Are Able To Share And Let Your Emotions Out. Especially With Those Who Truly Understand. Take A Look At The Spiritual Encouragement thread When You Need Encouragement As Well. God bless

tamlynd

Hi Sciencemama. Thank you xxx I had a look for the spiritual encouragment thread but could not find it. I'm new to thebump.com and still finding my way around groups and threads etc. Please guide me to where it is x thanks again

jms627

@tamlynd - I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I experienced a lot of the same emotions and I know how hard it can be/still is sometimes.  I hope you find the comfort and support you need and sending prayers your way!