Three in a year... my marriage is falling apart

heaven22tw

After four years of infertility 5 miscarriages and five years of marriage, the amount of care for my 3 kids is tearing our marriage apart.  We adopted and found out we were having twins two months later.... im afraid we have just been through too much!!!!! We dont communicate and we constantly fught but part of me is wondering if this is somewhat normal.... how did your multiples affect your marriage?  If you had issues were yiu sbke to recover?

absolutelymaybe

I haven't had my multiples yet, but may I suggest counseling?

legaleagles

Having kids...even one kid (let alone multiples) is so freaking hard on a marriage. Like really really hard...and it's never ever really talked about. We have a 3 year old and 4 month old twins. It is currently the hardest time in our lives right now. I'm ridiculously sleep deprived, feeling pulled in every direction, feel like my husband works too much and doesn't help out enough at home....but what we really really find important is getting time away from the kids. A date night costs us an arm and a leg because we need two babysitters, but it's so worth it. 

Get help so you're not so run down at home, so you get some you time and you and DH get some time alone. Honestly, we are throwing money at things when they get tough. It's really hard on us financially, but it's keeping our marriage together. We had a night nanny for the first 12 weeks and she'll probably be coming back when I go back to work in a month because my boys aren't anywhere near STTN. 

I'm also in therapy and DH comes from time to time for us to have a neutral space to check in. 

Hang in there...it is so hard on a marriage, but you can get through it. The first year with my daughter was really really hard, but got easier and easier (that was until we had the twins

kbeach82

DH and I have argued more since the birth of our twins than we ever did before (which was hardly ever). The adjustment period after we had DS1 was a walk in the park compared to the complete chaos our relationship has been through over the last 16 months.

We argue a lot, especially on the weekends when we should all be enjoying spending time together. Our arguments are very ugly and we both say things that really cross the line. We struggle to keep our children from being exposed to the worst of them, but that is one thing that we both work very hard on.

The work with a 3 year old and 16 months old twins is honestly never ending and can feel so suffocating at times. We both know that making time for the two of us alone is extremely important to our communication and our relationship in general, as well as finding time for ourselves somehow. But we struggle with fitting those things in and really need to make more of an effort on that front. I also know that I need therapy to deal with my anxiety and depression, and I think that will make a big difference for us as well.

I am sorry that you are struggling. I hope that hearing that what you are going through is completely "normal" will help you to feel a little better. Children can be extremely tough on the most secure of relationships and caring for 3 young children is so, so difficult, but your relationship can survive if you both work at it.

Lyndsey13

I'm sorry to hear this. You are not alone! Having twins was very hard on our marriage but now we're on the other side of it. Honestly, what helped was my husband going on anti-depressants. I'm really hoping baby number 3 doesn't have the same impact.

FaeryStarGazer

People always said that the first year of marriage was the hardest and they were wrong- it was the first year with children. You HAVE to talk to one another. You HAVE to ask for help, specifically-- you can't say "The bottles need to be washed..." you need to say things like, "Will you please wash the bottles after dinner?" It's no picnic, but you two are in this thing together, neither one of you can give up or expect the other to tow the line. Sit down, and hash it out- don't cry, don't yell, don't spaz. Write down things that you are focusing on to help you stay on topic. Once you fight it out, the topic is dead- you don't get to hang on to it or harbor resentment over it. 

Marriage after kids can be really, really hard.