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July 2013 Moms
PrimRoseMama
member
Dementia/ Elder Care (Long)
PrimRoseMama
member
Any Experience with Dementia & Elderly Family Members?
This is long. Sorry!
Hey y'all! I'm posting as a half-vent, half-asking for help for my mom.
My Grandmother lives with my Mom. She is 93 & slowly declining. Right now the issue is mini-TIA strokes robbing her little by little of cognitive function. So, processing of information & memory are a crap shoot. She has fixations & no amount of talking her through it seems to matter. She is bound & determined that X is going to happen if she just keeps asking.
My mom is also not in good health. She is still teaching high school, but uses a walker to get around. The mystery MS-autoimmune disease is causing progressive weakness in various extremities. So she has limitations plus fatigue etc.
My Step-Dad stays home with my Grandmother (bless him) & really tries hard. She hates him & treats him horribly. So the care giving stress is taking a toll on their marriage. He also has other health issues that make getting rest/tolerating this hard on him.
They both keep chugging along. The latest has been this obsession from Gram about moving out on her own, driving etc.
I've explained it when we visited. The doctors have all explained it.
She cannot live alone. She can't lift pots/pans or bathe herself. She needs help in the restroom sometimes. Basic things like hair dressing etc. so it's just not possible. The end.
She had two broken hips, two broken wrists in various stages of function. All from falls she has sustained while not listening to any of us about ALWAYS using her walker. No exceptions.
She is convinced you guys. She writes me letters & has skype conversations trying to convince me that "if we just listened she would show us she can do it". It must be awful having almost 85 years of independence & then being told you can't. I feel for her.
My mom needs to rest & not stress, but the constant arguments over this issue really seem to bother her because Gram gets nasty about it. The dementia had eliminated her filter. So she will say awful hurtful things & then literally cannot remember what was said 5 minutes ago.
My poor mom has tried to price out assisted living but it's expensive & she feels despondent/depressed/guilty for even wanting to put Gram in a home. Part of her illness (Mom's) is crushing fatigue & some mood issues too. So she goes back & forth on this hamster wheel of frustration.
She feels awful but she's confessed to feeling relieved at the idea that Gram could pass in the next year or so. She loves her mom but the caregiver stress is wearing her down & her husband too. They are both giving 100% to basic functions & their marriage has taken a hit.
They are states away. So I can't do more physically/practically. My brother is MIA & doesn't call/write/whatever. So I have some butthurt/resentment stewing about him & his inability to be there for people. He did the same to me with Dad's stuff & afterward.
Hospice would be on the table if her situation was more dire. It's not. It's just a slow decline but until then I think my mom is up shit creek without a shred of TP.
They have house cleaners & some nun friends that come occasionally but the majority falls on them.
I guess is there any other respite elderly care that is available? I listen to her & cheerlead her.
Do you have experience with anything like this? I know child rearing is similar too.
I'm sorry for the post, word-vomit. Naturally my phone battery is going to die...
July13: do you have any T&P, encouraging words and/or resources that I can pick your brain for?
Cookies for all who waded through that!
This is long. Sorry!
Hey y'all! I'm posting as a half-vent, half-asking for help for my mom.
My Grandmother lives with my Mom. She is 93 & slowly declining. Right now the issue is mini-TIA strokes robbing her little by little of cognitive function. So, processing of information & memory are a crap shoot. She has fixations & no amount of talking her through it seems to matter. She is bound & determined that X is going to happen if she just keeps asking.
My mom is also not in good health. She is still teaching high school, but uses a walker to get around. The mystery MS-autoimmune disease is causing progressive weakness in various extremities. So she has limitations plus fatigue etc.
My Step-Dad stays home with my Grandmother (bless him) & really tries hard. She hates him & treats him horribly. So the care giving stress is taking a toll on their marriage. He also has other health issues that make getting rest/tolerating this hard on him.
They both keep chugging along. The latest has been this obsession from Gram about moving out on her own, driving etc.
I've explained it when we visited. The doctors have all explained it.
She cannot live alone. She can't lift pots/pans or bathe herself. She needs help in the restroom sometimes. Basic things like hair dressing etc. so it's just not possible. The end.
She had two broken hips, two broken wrists in various stages of function. All from falls she has sustained while not listening to any of us about ALWAYS using her walker. No exceptions.
She is convinced you guys. She writes me letters & has skype conversations trying to convince me that "if we just listened she would show us she can do it". It must be awful having almost 85 years of independence & then being told you can't. I feel for her.
My mom needs to rest & not stress, but the constant arguments over this issue really seem to bother her because Gram gets nasty about it. The dementia had eliminated her filter. So she will say awful hurtful things & then literally cannot remember what was said 5 minutes ago.
My poor mom has tried to price out assisted living but it's expensive & she feels despondent/depressed/guilty for even wanting to put Gram in a home. Part of her illness (Mom's) is crushing fatigue & some mood issues too. So she goes back & forth on this hamster wheel of frustration.
She feels awful but she's confessed to feeling relieved at the idea that Gram could pass in the next year or so. She loves her mom but the caregiver stress is wearing her down & her husband too. They are both giving 100% to basic functions & their marriage has taken a hit.
They are states away. So I can't do more physically/practically. My brother is MIA & doesn't call/write/whatever. So I have some butthurt/resentment stewing about him & his inability to be there for people. He did the same to me with Dad's stuff & afterward.
Hospice would be on the table if her situation was more dire. It's not. It's just a slow decline but until then I think my mom is up shit creek without a shred of TP.
They have house cleaners & some nun friends that come occasionally but the majority falls on them.
I guess is there any other respite elderly care that is available? I listen to her & cheerlead her.
Do you have experience with anything like this? I know child rearing is similar too.
I'm sorry for the post, word-vomit. Naturally my phone battery is going to die...
July13: do you have any T&P, encouraging words and/or resources that I can pick your brain for?
Cookies for all who waded through that!
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dementia/ Elder Care (Long)
I know what you mean by independent streak. When my grandpa was in failing health, he was briefly in assisted living. My mom told him he could go home and live at his house only if he could get his license renewed...he needed to be able to drive to appointments and to get groceries--she was a few hours away and working.
(She thought it was an idle threat because he was 90 and in ill health.)
He got his 95-year old cousin to drive him to the license place. When he failed the test, the worker at the DMV said "well you can try again tomorrow." So Grandpa did. And passed the test. And called my mom to come move him or he was going to call the livestock hauler to do it (retired farmer.)
So my poor mother let Grandpa move home and hired a live-in nurse that his doctor helped her find. Would that be a possibility? Doctors might know of decent options.
Maybe partial hours to save costs?
It seemed to be the best possible situation-- some semblance of home, some help. Peace of mind for my mom, who visited on weekends. But it was also super rural low col area so maybe that's why it was affordable.
Many thoughts and prayers with you Prim. >:D<
A similar situation happened with my great-grandfather. We ended up getting state-assisted 24 hr nurse care (note that this was in NJ and he was a police officer in the early 1900's, so I understand that the situation is quite different). I do highly reccomend round the clock care. Many home health aides will do cooking and cleaning as well, so perhaps you could remove the expense of your mother's regular cleaning person.
My grandma developed dementia a year after my grandpa died and it was no longer safe for her to live on her own. This was heartbreaking because we had to have her declared mentally incompetent to do what we needed to get her to a safe place. She had enough lucid moments at that point to figure what was happening. Her decline was very rapid once she was in the home but we didn't have to worry about her safety and we all visited often. It is so hard to be a caretaker especially, I think, for that particular independent, headstrong generation. I would help them look into assistance services (I have no idea about anything health care related in the states) and see what would be covered in a seniors home. Also, was she a veteran? Is there an assistance program for veterans? (We have various veterans affairs coverage in canada but again, I don't know about the states.... A lot of my grandmas care and all of my grandpa's expenses were covered by veterans affairs).
Good luck prim, I am sending lots of thoughts and blessings your way. This situation is difficult especially being farther away and I know how tough it is. >:D<
She openly berates my Stepdad & mom needs a break. Stubbornness is a family trait.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
It sounds like assisted living or some sort of dementia care facility would be best. Where I live there has to be a formal diagnosis by a geriatrician before family is able to override the patients wishes. There is just so much to it and with any luck she could get some support through veterans affairs or a similar program. Good luck, it is so much to deal with.....please feel free to pm me if I can offer any further advice or just an ear to listen (eyes to read.....lol).
Karen - 36 DH - 39