2nd baby help?

Belovedvirgo0209

Hey guys so Averie is 2 months old and has acid reflux and to be honest is spoiled a little bit. Anyway Averie cries whenever she is put down and for the most part I don't mind holding her most of the day the only problem is I went back to work PT so Heather has both girls Sat and Sun.She is ALWAYS complaining about Averie and honestly it feels like she doesn't like her. She always says things like she likes you more or you two have a bond I don't and Addy didn't cry all the time. Addy didn't cry but she was the type of baby feed me and put me down she didn't like to held so Heather is use to that.She said she loves Averie but it hurts my heart to leave Averie with her while I work not because I'm worried she will do anything to hurt her but mainly because I feel she won't comfort and leave her to cry it out.Yesterday I worked 16 hours and I ended up leaving Averie with my aunt for the first 8 hrs just so I wouldn't be stressed all day at work.Now keep in mind we have been together for almost 13 years and have almost 2 yr old so I can't figure out why she is like this with Averie.She was so excited when we got pregnant, she picked out her name and I even gave Averie her last name now it feels like I'm a single mom.I do everything for her, I get up for all the feedings,I bath her and change her.Heather will hold her for maybe 20 mins a day so I can eat dinner but thats about it and  it is easier than to do just do it than listen to her constant complaining.We get into alot of arguments about this and i'm really at my witts end I don't know what to do anymore its really effecting my feelings towards her .She even made a comment she wasn't claiming Averie until she was 1 she was joking but it still hurt.I know she is hurt that people say Addy looks like me(she was adopted) and Averie I carried but that is what we decided I can't and wouldn't change that.I love both my girls equally and I don't know why she is being like this.I don't know how to get her to bond with Averie.

2MamazInSeattle

My initial thought is Heather may be suffering from some flavor of post partum depression, which can affect either parent in the first 4 months or so. Either way, I'd suggest couples counseling to really uncover what is at the root of her behavior and feelings for Averie. If you feel afraid, and she's essentially neglecting the baby a bit, I'd definitely get some professional guidance.

Karlamo

It seems from reading your post there are mutiple issue going on.  It sounds like the baby may be colickly or a high needs baby if she wants to be held all the time and you can't put her down.  I have one of those and its exhausting.  My wife and I both said we're glad he's our first  becasuse we don't know any better but with it being your second you know what an "easy" baby is like. 

As the mom who didn't carry my child, it was so difficult in the begining when I was trying to figure out my relationship with my baby.  There were times that only my wife could calm him down and that hurts like hell.  You wife is adjusting to the new baby and trying to figure out her relationship to her.  You can't force people to bond, it just needs to happen on its own.  What worked for me was an understanding wife who listened to me when I cried that R was never going to love me like he does her.  Now R is 6 months and I see how far I've come with bonding with him.  He adores me and I him.

As for her taking care of the kids for 16 hours/day.  Oh my!!! That's a long day taking care of 2 kids, with 1 that doesn't let you put her down.  My guess is your wife is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  I agree with @2MamazinSeattle, she may be suffering from Post Partum Adjustment.  Try asking her what she needs on those days to make it easier for her and your kids. 

Good luck.  I know it's hard when you're in the newborn haze.  I hope that as time goes by you all feel bonded. 

 

 

2momsinCA

Both my boys have significant issues with reflux and not only can't we put them down much of the day because they love to be held, we actually aren't supposed to put them don't for the first 45 mins after they eat to help prevent the big spit ups. Consequently our ergo carriers and moby wraps are getting well used.

Anyways, to me it sounds like an attachment and bonding issue that is a form of nongestational parent ppd. These first few months where breast feeding is the big soother can be hard for the non-breast feeding mom. The comments she makes and the way she is acting might be from a fear that the baby prefers you and she doesn't want the baby to reject her/not like it when she holds her/only be happy with you etc. Try to talk about it or seek counseling if you can before it gets worse or causes more relationship issues. Just a thought.

Belovedvirgo0209

Thanks guys I never thought of it like that.I was so use to seeing her with Addy I just thought it would be the same with Averie.Addy was adopted so Heather has no bio ties to either kid.So I really could not understand why she treated one differently.We will sit down and try to talk about things and I will see what I can do to make it easier for her.

channe9

The other thing I would suggest -- and I have to qualify this with I'm NOT a mom yet and it might sound strange -- is having a look at Adlerian Family constellations. Unfortunately, second children often have it difficult. The first one is the responsible, "good" kid whilst the second is the screw-up "bad" kid -- obviously it's not TRUE but that's how it can play out in families. (I'm the first-born "responsible" one and my poor brothers fit neatly into middle and youngest child roles. I WISH my parents had seen the patterns they were setting up while we were growing up!!!) Maybe if you and Heather read a bit about how this happens (and/or see a therapist who understands Adlerian constellations) it would help to see how parent behaviour/reactions can create these roles/relationships. Obviously Averie ISN'T "bad". It seems that Heather is having trouble figuring out how to relate to baby #2. 

JGY

If counseling is an option for you guys, I would definitely recommend it.  The bonding between a non-bio parent and child is complicated, and it's not a one-time problem to fix/get through.  It ebbs and flows and it's really helpful if you can put some strategies in place to help get through it for the long term.

Good luck!

 

 

CageyMack

This was exactly the age when I was at my worst with Baby W.  He was all kinds of needy and I could do things right all day and still feel like it was wrong.  Baby was very needy, could never be put down, but wasn't really snuggly.  Thankfully, he gave great eye contact, but I've known babies who still had fuzzy gazes and it really drains a person to give so much and get so little feedback.

It does get better, but it also takes time.  And sometimes help, either in the form of a babysitter, nanny, family member, therapy or something like that.