Should we give SS a choice?

JessH1474

My SS is 13 and we have him him EOWE and the normal holiday and summer schedule.  We live 1.5 hours from BM.  Last weekend when SS was over he was to stay through Monday as it was our year for Labor Day weekend.  Apparently BM forgot about this and so did SS so when we told him he was with us through Monday he said ok but then asked if he were to ever want to go back to his mom's would he be allowed or would he have to stay with us.  DH and I were caught off guard and told him that while we wouldn't want him to feel like he's forced to be at our house, we do only get to see him a few days a month normally and that is the schedule that we have in place.   It got me thinking how things will be as he gets older.  We do understand that at his age, he'd much rather be with his friends on the weekends then hanging out with either of his parents and he doesn't really have anyone to hang out with in our town except DD which is 2 years younger than him.   We've tried to encourage him to participate in things when we have him for longer periods of time like the summer so that he can meet some new people, but he doesn't want to.  For those of you who have teenage step children, are you flexible with visits as the kids get older, or do you stick to the same schedule until they are 18?  Of course we want to see SS as much as possible, but I hate to think that he's missing out on things as he gets older b/c he feels like he has to come over every other weekend and half the summer.  I just think about how much DD does and how often she's with friends and off doing things with others on the weekends, I'm sure she would hate it if she felt like she had to give that up to hang out with her parents all weekend every other weekend.  Just trying to put myself in SS's position.  Any thoughts/suggestions? 

CurlieWhirlie

Good for you for being so empathetic and trying to see your SSs perspective. I think you're right, as he gets older he probably won't always want to come to your house on your visitation weekends because he's got other things going on. I have thought about this eventuality with my own SSs and my DS, and I think that if you take a hard line, as with anything, you'll just make him more resistant and he will not enjoy the time with you. However you don't want to be too flip about it, either. "Yeah, sure, whatever, do what you want." I think you are on the right track to be flexible the way you think about it, but to make sure you let him know that you want him to be with you as much as possible.

As he gets older you're going to have to let him do his own thing more and more no matter where you live. Even if he lived with you full-time you'd see less of him as he grows up. Maybe you can try to be accommodating by letting him participate in activities with his friends during the day, but then driving out to get him to bring him back to your place for the evening?

Good luck.

Mkherren12

Let him decide. I think instead of him coming to you on your weekends he will want to hang out with friends but it may mean y'all going to him on what would be your weekend to see him. I would think that would mean a lot to a kid that my parent let me do what I wanted and they also came to see me. Hopefully the busier he gets doesn't mean he skips every weekend with y'all.

Ilumine

I think it depends on each individual circumstance. 

kids are self-centered creatures by nature (not all, but that is the average maturity level most child psychiatrists and studies have shown).  And other studies have shown the necessity of having a father in their lives. 

So while I would work with jobs or a team sport, I am not going to give up my time for a birthday party.  My 5 yo pretty much had a birthday party every other weekend this past summer.  If I were NCP, that could mean I would not get to see my child for 1/4 of my visit every visit.  Yeah...no. 

Because honestly, even though my daughter was invited to a party every other weekend, her intact family had plans for many of those parties and she did not get to GO to them.  Because parents in intact families run the schedule, not the kids. 

hopanka

I do think age matters. A 5-yo...no, but a 14-17yo teen, yes. I think at that age the traditional weekend visit may sometimes be substituded for more flexible short visits depending on circumstance. Such as, going to see the teen's game/practice and going to dinner afterwards during the week, as oppossed to having them begrudgingly at your house on Saturday, when they're missing out on something with their friends or an event that seems important to them in their CP's town. I believe at that age, you have to give a little more in terms of respecting their growing independence while still plugging in to their life where it's important, school/extracurriculars/choice of friends...etc. Quality outweighs quantity here, as the core of the relationship is aleeady established from the early years when you hopefully did put in the time (quantity matters there).

SueBear

I would allow him to participate in school / extra-curricular activities without you (for example, going to a football game when his HS has a home game, or participating on travel soccer).  

I would accomodate special events like a friend's birthda (by the time kids are teens, they don't invite the whole class to a birthday party, so it is more likely a  close friend).  Unless he has a sweet 16 party every weekend (which may happen), and at that point I would say he needs to choose.

However, I would not give up time with him "to hang out with friends."  I also don't think that EOWE is a hardship.  Time with dad / family is important.  Hopefully you can work with BM to work together.  For example, if the HS football games are on Friday and he wants to go, you can pick him up Saturday am and have more time with him on Sunday.   

SS is reaching the age where his friends are important, but at the same time, he is old enough to have a conversation about how family is important, too, and that you want to see him and he has to organize his time and reach a compromise that works for everyone (SS, you/DH, and BM).

Ilumine

I just look at what happens in intact families.  My parents, my friends parents, my parent friends now would never allow the child's desire to "hang out with friends" supersede family time.  

If it worked within our plans, sure. 

But in a divorced situation, the NCP's family time is, for all intents and purposes, less.  If you have an every other weekend parenting plan, then your child and the BM have more time to lose to hanging with friends. 

We cannot demand that an NCP treat his/her child as an equal in some things (getting their own space, equal toys, inclusion in all family vacations/activities, but then say that he isn't going to have equal time (as equal as possible given the custody) with the parent. 

Not FAIR.  

So no, I would not just GIVE my SS free time to hang out during our time when he could just as easily - and less detrimentally to the relationship - take the time out of his mother's parenting time.  

DH does not have the ability to say "we have plans this weekend, so why don't I run you over to hang with little Johnny after school on Tuesday."  BM does.  

jess9802

Because of the distance involved (cross-country) we haven't exactly faced this issue. SS gets to see his mother twice per year, and the visits are longer (three weeks at Christmas, the entire summer break). Yes, it sucks that he misses out on things here (like the first week or so of team practice, spending time with friends) while he's visiting her, but those visits and his time with her take priority. Honestly, I don't think DH or his ex would permit SS to make those kinds of decisions about his visits until he's 18.

JessH1474

Thanks ladies, I appreciate the responses.  I think we will just play things by ear and see how it goes as he gets older.  For right now, the schedule is the schedule and DH will not allow SS to make changes to that unless it's something that makes sense.  We have and will always continue to be flexible with him, but with the limited amount of time that we see him, I don't think it's too much to ask that he spend 4 days a month with us and his sisters.  The funny thing about SS is he's all about being at our house when we're doing something fun that weekend or going on a vacation, but if we're just hanging around or working around the house, that's when things like this come up.  I'm sure that's to be expected though.  BM has also put it in his head that he can come home whenever he'd like and that it's his choice, yet she would expect DH to drive him home, which as I've said is 3 hours there and back.  

As he gets older, we may do as a few of you suggested and have more visits in his town, maybe not as many overnights.  I don't know, we'll see.  As of now, he's not involved in any clubs or sports, so we don't really have that to worry about, but we may as he gets older.  I wish talking to BM about all of this was even an option, but it is not.  She would probably view all of this as us trying to get out of seeing SS instead of trying to put ourselves in his position and work with him.  We try to involve her as little as possible with things.