Childcare Woes

redrockmama

My week of fun is almost over yay! J left Tuesday morning for DC and then we fired our nanny Wednesday afternoon. She gets home around 11:30 tonight and I can hardly wait. 

So, our parenting values are based around attachment parenting and we wanted to make sure we hired a nanny who understood that and was willing to care for him as closely to how we would as possible. That goes for most parents I think, right? We did two interviews and called references. The second interview we all based on attachment parenting philosophies and explaining to her our expectations to make sure that it would be a good fit for her as well as us. Everything seemed great and we felt like she was the best candidate. 

After the first week, we had a really long check in conversation to make sure she understood our expectations and asked how everything was going with paced bottle feeding, cloth diapers, responding to his cues immediately, not letting him just cry, holding him, cuddling him to sleep, etc. We both saw her leave him alone a couple times and let him cry and reiterated that he should never be left to cry (with the exception of using the bathroom of course). Oh, we also let her know in the interview that we would have cameras and she was cool with that. 

Wednesday I checked in on the cameras right when they got home from a walk. She put him in his carseat on the ground and then disappeared. I figured she went to the bathroom and would be back to get him out in a few minutes. 40 minutes went by and she was nowhere to be seen. We have a tiny 1000 sq ft house and the camera shows the living and dining rooms. He was crying off and on the whole time. I could hear him crying and see his carseat moving, so I know he wasn't asleep. Finally, when he started screaming she showed up and got him out. 

Then, a little later he was awake and she set him in his bouncy chair and disappeared again. He sat there playing for about 10 minutes, again she was nowhere to be seen. He started screaming and I sat here for about 3 minutes watching before I told my boss I was going home. I only work 10 minutes away and by the time I got there he was asleep and she was holding him. 

I called J on the way home and we decided to just let her go instead of giving her another chance. I asked her about the 40 min time and her original explanation was that it was just 10 minutes and he was sleeping and fussed a little bit. She said she was in the kitchen cooking. What in the world is she cooking for 40 minutes? She backpedaled after I explained that I saw it on the camera and it was much longer than that and he was crying because I could see and hear it. Her response was "yeah I guess I should have picked him up" She said the second time she was doing laundry*-something we specifically asked her not to do. We told her multiple times not to clean, do laundry, etc. Her job was 100% to watch him, interact with him, keep him safe, and respond immediately to his cues. I don't really understand why she thought doing what we asked her not to do was more important than doing what we did ask her to do. People are weird. 

Oh and to add to that, when I came home I found her IN my bed. Like in the covers, holding M while he slept. Weird right? I was too focused on getting my baby in my arms that I didn't even ask about that bit. 

Right now it looks like my sister is going to watch M Tuesday-Friday and I am going to watch her daughter on Mondays. Or, we will look into daycare centers, or another nanny. I know people leave their kiddos and go to work and trust their caregivers. Is it a gut instinct thing for y'all that have done it? Or letting go of expectations? I know mine are pretty high. 

*I found out later she put our cloth diapers in the washer. I was so worried they were ruined, but they seem ok so far. 

mallory4284

Wow. That's crazy! I can't believe she left him for a full 40 minutes!! I can understand if he was sleeping and she didn't want to disturb him, but really?? And yeah the sitting in your bed under the covers is a bit weird....

Hopefully you can find someone new that works well for you and follows your parenting philosophies and your wants in a caregiver! (That's worded weird but I'm sure you know what I mean hopefully lol)

I wouldn't ordinarily tell someone not to look into daycares (being that I work in one and would be out of a job if no one took their children there) but based on what I've read about wanting a caregiver that can essentially continue the attachment parenting, daycare prob isn't a good fit. They're typically small class sizes and we don't let babies cry unnecessarily, but it's harder to respond immediately when they're "competing" against other babies in the class. He would definitely be taken excellent care of but, from experience, I know that sometimes they have to cry a little when the caregiver(s) is/are trying to tend to other babies. Just my two cents...

2momsinCA

Not good!! And honestly scary! You did the right thing by firing her immediately.

Jazibel

We practice attachment parenting too (or our own unique fashion of it).  I'm so glad you had cameras.  Definitely a wise decision to make, I will definitely be getting cameras. With LO(s) that can't speak there is no way to know what's going on when you're not around. Your post thoroughly freaked me out. 

I think practicing a/p without it being a go-to philosophy is hard. Some people don't think a little crying/fussing is a big deal. I babysat in my home (small daycare) for a family that wanted me to let their little girl fuss/cry herself to sleep. Its not my philosophy so it was hard, and I was perhaps a little more lenient - but I did my best to adhere to their request because they dealt with the consequences and also knew their kid.  Anyway I say that because perhaps finding a nanny who has a natural inclination toward a/p, has practiced it before, etc. would be the most helpful.  Or perhaps a small in-home daycare where M could be held/worn etc., by the provider more easily because of the "home like" setting?

We're actually considering an au pair (not sure if that's an option)?

ATXmommas

40 minutes in a car seat while clearly awake and fussing is unacceptable in my book. There certainly is some release that has to happen when you leave your child in someone else's care, but having a nanny that you employ for the sole purposes of caring for your one child should provide you with more security that your preferences are being closely followed. After all, I'm sure you are paying a higher price tag than you would if M were in center based care. My son is in a center, and I would be shocked and appalled if I found out Ash was left unattended for 40 minutes in his car seat (and I would promptly report the incident to licensing).

I'm really sorry that happened. I hope you get everything resolved soon!

bfonz619

DW and I are not quite there yet so unfortunately I do not have any advice.  I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your experience and hope everything comes together for you soon.

Himee33

Sorry you had a bad experience with your nanny and had to let her go. Sometimes finding the right fit can be hard.

I have been a professional nanny now for over 14 years. I don't practice attachment parenting so I won't apply to a family seeking that. I know many nannies that do and they have taken classes and are extremely knowledgeable when it comes to techniques and listening to the parents. I know an agency I work with even holds classes for nannies so they can get more experience for when they work with a/p families. 

I've never worked in a home with a nanny cam and I probably wouldn't except a position that had one, but the fact she knew up front you had them and would be watching and still acted the way she did is really shady. I understand your need for one. There are some bad nannies out there that make it hard for the good ones to be trusted.  I don't know what daycare ratios are now but when I was an infant teacher my ratio was 1:3 and there would be times all 3 would be crying and I couldn't pick them all up at the same time, so that might not be a good fit for you guys. My advice is to interview as many nannies as you can, call every single reference and make sure they have reference letters. Also do a trial with the nannies you like while you are home to see if its a good fit. You might also try reaching out to attachment parenting support groups or mommy groups to see if that have any referrals for you.

Good luck! I hope you find a good nanny. Trust me, we are out there

mallory4284

Himee33 said:

I don't know what daycare ratios are now but when I was an infant teacher my ratio was 1:3 and there would be times all 3 would be crying and I couldn't pick them all up at the same time, so that might not be a good fit for you guys.

I don't know if it's the same in all states... But here (Indiana) it's 1:4 in the infant rooms!

And I still stand by the fact that the people that make up these ratios have obviously never had to take care of four babies at one time... By themselves. It's hard!

ATXmommas

mallory4284 said:

Himee33 said:

I don't know what daycare ratios are now but when I was an infant teacher my ratio was 1:3 and there would be times all 3 would be crying and I couldn't pick them all up at the same time, so that might not be a good fit for you guys.

I don't know if it's the same in all states... But here (Indiana) it's 1:4 in the infant rooms!

And I still stand by the fact that the people that make up these ratios have obviously never had to take care of four babies at one time... By themselves. It's hard!

------------------------

In Texas it's 1:4 or 2:10. Texas has tried to lower ratios in the past few years, but there is a strong provider lobby against it - increases costs, which they say will be passed down to the parents who are already facing high day care bills. It's a very tough balance and will be unlikely to change in Texas without legislative involvement. (I work on the regulatory side of child care.)

redrockmama

I hope my quotes work, I'm mobile nursing bumping and have been working on responding to y'all all weekend.

Jazibel said:

I think practicing a/p without it being a go-to philosophy is hard. Some people don't think a little crying/fussing is a big deal.

I definitely agree. Our ad asked for someone who would use ap philosophies, but I don't think it can work if it's not natural for the person.

ATXmommas said:

having a nanny that you employ for the sole purposes of caring for your one child should provide you with more security that your preferences are being closely followed. After all, I'm sure you are paying a higher price tag than you would if M were in center based care.

Exactly! We were also paying quite a bit above the average salary here. Oh well.

Himee33 said:

l never worked in a home with a nanny cam and I probably wouldn't except a position that had one, but the fact she knew up front you had them and would be watching and still acted the way she did is really shady. I understand your need for one. There are some bad nannies out there that make it hard for the good ones to be trusted.

We interviewed a couple who sad they were uncomfortable with cameras, obviously not a good fit for us. Really they were more for us to be able to see M throughout the day. Leaving him is the hardest, most unnatural thing I've ever done. I miss him and want to be able to see him, and of course make sure he is ok. I trusted her as much as I could trust a stranger with my 8 week old baby, otherwise we wouldn't have hired her, but you're right I wouldn't trust another stranger now.

Thanks for reading my novel and offering words of support and understanding. I never knew it would be so hard. I was sure I would be so excited to go back to work and continue building my career. We are pretty sure we've decided I will quit my job in November and be a SAHM while starting over with my art career. Life is a rollercoaster for sure.