~ Loss Check-In ~

CherryPicked

Hi ladies, I hope you have been kind to yourselves this week.  

Welcome to the check-in! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too. 

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)?

CherryPicked

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

My dad was traveling for work and we were able to meet up for dinner.  It was nice to talk to someone who cares and brings up Caroline.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

I am still working on getting healthy and have been dieting and working out more often.

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)? 

Thorn: I am frustrated by people I know that haven't bothered to ask how I'm doing or give me a hug.  Losing a child makes it really clear who your real friends are.

Bud: I am getting dinner with another loss mom in a few weeks and look forward to catching up with her and talking about our little girls.

Rose: We had the flowers from Caroline's funeral preserved in a rosary and it arrived this week.  It is absolutely beautiful.

CheesyPeas

**Living child mentioned in QOTW**

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I attended my second grief group meeting this week, and was able to speak about my daughter with more composure and fewer tears than last month.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I really want to focus on my marriage and relationship with DH.  it's been a little toxic recently actually as we take things out on one another rather than supporting and grieving with one another.  We're considering TTC this cycle, so we definitely need to be on better terms with one another to make that work.

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)? What in your life is giving you hope? What are you looking forward to (bud)? What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)? My thorn recently has been jealousy and anger with other people's pregnancies and pregnancy-innocence.  My bud is the possibility of another pregnancy in my future now that we're off the bench and can try again whenever we please.  My rose is my son; my second round of blood clotting tests from last week seem to point to a stronger possible cause for my two losses, which of course makes me think of all of the "what ifs" had we somehow known prior to getting pregnant with Layla and where I might be today.  It also, however, makes me think about how my pregnancy with my son could've ended but thankfully did not.  Having a loss prior to DS means that I honestly have not taken him for granted at all but this additional bit of info adds to the realization of just how fortunate I am that he arrived safely.

shandorfml2

Hi ladies, I'm having a really rough week, so bare with me. 

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not sure. I just found out my mom has pancreatic cancer. It's not good. It's really a matter of "how long" as opposed to her getting better. Aparently it's one of the most aggressive and fatal kinds of cancer. I am beyond devastated, and terrified. She is my rock. She helped me get through Ana's death. I am not ready to lose her. I want her to be there for my rainbow, and we're not sure she will make it until he/she is born 7 months from now. I am in shock, angry, bitter, so so sad. I don't know how I will do all of this without her. Learning about her diagnosis has brought up a lot of feelings I had when I lost Ana...anger, wondering why the hell this is happening, the fact that I don't deserve this. I did have therapy the day after I found out, which was helpful. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?  I am back to doing my "steps" that we did after Ana died. One thing at a time. Next step, I'm going back to my house tomorrow, and will work Sun-Wed. My Mom has a doc apt on Monday where they will stage the cancer. Then we will know more about time line. I think our best bet would be a year, but I think more realistically we'll have a few months. Then after work on Wed. I will come back down to my parents for a few days 

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)? Thorn....my Mom's cancer. Why the hell is this happening to me? It's not fair. Bud...the precious rainbow growing inside of me. Rose...my wonderful family.

sbaz

**living child mentioned in QOTW**

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
i quit lurking and posted this week. screw denial, gotta start admitting this for real really happened before it can get better, right?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
i started couch to 5k. running--and just exercise in general--has always helped me feel better and was something i missed doing while pregnant, but was too exhausted to even attempt. is a lil depressing to see how out of shape i am...but it'll only get better, right?

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)?

thorn: this is going to sound so incredibly shallow, but every time i have to get dressed in not scrubs (i work in the OR) it's depressing and another reminder of the suckiness of all this. my regular clothes don't fit bc of the baby weight and i refuse to wear my maternity clothes. it just really sucks to be reminded every. single. time. i try unsuccessfully to put on a pair of jeans.
bud: have had several co-workers share their late pregnancy losses with me. hate that they can relate, but has been sweet. support from other people who have been there feels nice and have appreciated all their kind words--as well as their kick-in-the-pants telling me to quit pretending everything's ok
rose: my son. had an early miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and all his hugs and laughs have really helped...now if i can quit being a helicopter mom from worrying that something bad might happen to him, too...

CheesyPeas

Oh @shandorfml2‌, I'm so sorry about your mom. That's such terrible news. I pray for the best possible news from the doctor and that she will get to hold and love on your little one in 7 months. ((Huge hugs))

stefuge

@shandorfml2‌ - I am so sorry to hear the news about your mom! Just awful. I hope you get as good of news as possible at the appointment next week and can at least go from there.

mrslucid

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
My daughter's funeral was on Tuesday which was extremely hard.  We met with a grief counselor on Wednesday and set up weekly appointments for the next month.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I will be going back to work on Monday.  I don't know how it will be.  My husband is going to drive me just so we can talk on the way.

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)?
Thorn- I went to the doctors on Wednesday with sinus issues.  He came into the exam room and asked about my daughter's stuffed animal that I was holding.  When we explained we just lost her, at first he sounded sympathetic and then he started to tell me how I should feel and that I needed to move past it.  I got up and walked out of the office.
Bud- My husband and I are making plans to do more together.  We were always so busy with work and Ava.  Now we are going to do some day trips occasionally just to get away, its hard to be home- its so quiet now.
Rose- I'm thankful for my family.  They have been a huge help and support to us since we lost Ava last week.

msunshine123

@kderoy - I know what you mean about people not asking - it hurts (hugs). Also Caroline's rosary sounds beautiful! I have no idea how they do that with flowers, but it sounds awesome.
@CheesyPeas - our group had helped us a lot too. Also the idea of a rainbow gives me hope too:)
@shandorfml2 - I am so very sorry about the news of your mother. I will be thinking and praying for your family - so many hugs!
@sbatz -  I know what you mean about clothes - it's so frustrating when things don't fit that use to and you don't want to wear any maternity stuff.
@mrslucid - good luck on Monday. I'll be thinking about you. That's great that you have a schedule already with your counselor.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
My job starts in another week since we moved. My husband is traveling for work so I am going to visit family while he is away. It helps to be around people.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
Still working on getting back in shape and organizing things after the move.
QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)? A thorn - we passed our 3 month mark of loosing our son, but I didn't hear anything from friends about it which kinda hurt. Everyone kinda just goes back on with their lives.
A bud - the possibility of a future rainbow. Rose - I am so thankful for the support we have been given over the past few months from family and friends, our new home, our new jobs...

forevermyfenix

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
I got prescribed an antidepressant (Remeron) this week. I felt like I was getting toooo low and suicidal thoughts were increasing, so I think it was a positive move. I've never been on antidepressants despite many recommendations (I'm dysthymic), so I'm still getting adjusted. 

We were feeling our house was too quiet, and we had an empty cage since our green cheek conure died, so DH and I each got a baby bird. They're helping to give us something to expend some nurturing energy on, and who doesn't like baby bird snuggles. 
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
I need to eventually get back to working on my internship hours, but it may still be too much for me to work in a high school. Soon though, because getting this degree is the best thing for this family. For now, I guess the goal is to get on a set schedule of taking my Remeron and then at my follow up appointment get some BC.
QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)?

Thorn: DH is behind on getting his degree and it makes me worry we're never going to get out of this god forsaken state or this house. Waiting until January to TTC is tough too. I just want to feel those movements again. 

Bud: definitely looking forward to January to TTC again. 

Rose: I'm thankful for DH and our little birdy family. Our family support has been pretty great too. 

diamante1181

@shandorfml2 I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My gma had pancreatic cancer so I'm familiar with the feeling of despair about it.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

I have not. I don't know how to do this, I feel incapacitated.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
My next goal is to pass my Series 7 license. I need it to continue working and I'm really hoping to pass it on my first attempt. I'm focusing really hard on the studying.
QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)?  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)?  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)?

Thorn: Yesterday was the Mass for Phoebe. Of course we were running late but we made it. Afterward we had refreshments at our house (it was just close friends and my mom). I dont know why I keep involving my mom in things, because she cannot see beyond the scope of her own existence. First, I told her "mom, we're doing coffee at the house if you wanna come", to which her response was, "idk. i walked here (meaning to the church)." "So? Walk to your car and drive up to the house." She just said "well you know parking is hard by my house". I told her 'fine, don't come. I'm not here to make anyone be there for us or our kids.'  My bff then offered to take her to our house and take her back, which I would have preferred if she didn't. Then when she was here, my dh and I were getting things ready (to which she never offered to even stick toothpicks in the friggin' cheese), she asked my cousin all kinds of questions about her nephew (who is around the same age as the twins would've been) RIGHT in front of us. Um, were we NOT just at church for Phoebe?!? And I can see that this is upsetting dh by the way he was slamming dishes in the sink, so I was swift to turn around and say "Could we NOT talk about babies in this house, since we just lost ours??" Like why did it even have to go there?? I told my other bff that my mother is not allowed to be involved in our life after this, and that next time she'll just receive a post card.

Bud: I am hopeful for the future point in which we will be okay. And by okay, I mean not wanting to cry at every possible moment, to not look at pregnant people or new parents with contempt for God, to be able to hope again without reservations.

Rose: I am not happy about anything, but I am grateful that my dh is such a wonderful man. We have had several breakthroughs and I believe our marriage is very strong.

shandorfml2

***siggy

Update: my Mom saw the oncologist and we have a plan! Worst case scenario, 12-18 months which is a lot longer than we thought, and there is a good chance she will get to see our rainbow baby. Thank goodness

stefuge

@shandorfml2‌ - so happy to see your update. Glad you got better news than you were expecting and a plan for going forward. Big ((hugs)) as I'm sure today was a very difficult one.

Bgirma

@shandorfml2‌- so happy for your better than expected prognosis. Sending hugs during this difficult time.

jonahsma

****ds, dd and rainbow mentioned****

@shandorfml2‌ keeping you all in prayer! ((Hugs))

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?  No new steps,I find myself keeping really busy so I don't sit here and"think" as much.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I plan on returning to school in January. I only have a couple of classes left to enter.the Lvn program. I plan on working towards my Bsn in nursing. I want to work in L&D

QOTW: A thorn, a bud, and a rose: What is something that is bothering you (thorn)? The fact that no one mentions my baby, not my mother or my sister. I feel like just because they didn't see her that she never existed.

  What in your life is giving you hope?  What are you looking forward to (bud)? Dh, dd, ds and Mia help me get through this journey . We are all looking forward to meeting our rainbow soon.

  What is something that makes you happy or you are thankful for (rose)? My family makes me happy and I am so thankful that I was able to have Emily here with me even for a short amount of time . I thank God for blessing me with her and for choosing me to be her mommy

:x :x

CherryPicked

@CheesyPeas - Congrats on getting ready to TTC!  I wish you all the best.

@shandorfml2 - I'm so sorry about your mom's diagnosis, but glad that you got better news than expected at her appointment.  Praying for you and your family, and that your mom is able to meet your LO!

@sbaz - I'm frustrated by clothes too - none of my jeans fit but I currently refuse to buy new ones because I am trying to lose the weight.  

@mrslucid - How did going back to work go?  I hope that you are being gentle with yourself.

@msunshine123 - It is so frustrating when friends don't remember milestones.  I'm so sorry.

@artgeek009 - Congratulations on the baby birds!

@diamante1181 - I'm sorry that your mom is a source of frustration right now : (

@jonahsma - Your Emily is definitely a blessing!

msunshine123

@artgeek009‌ I'm so glad you have a baby bird:) good for you - recognizing that you might need an antidepressant right now and I hope it helps.
@diamante1181‌ I am so sorry you and your husband were dealing with your mother's insensitivity on the same day as Phoebe's mass. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you!
@shandorfml2‌ I am so glad you had better news than you anticipated at your mom's appointment and I hope and pray that you continue to get nothing but better news ((hugs)).
@jonahsma‌ I think that's awesome that you are planning on going to nursing school and you will be such an amazing addition to L&D after your personal experience. I'm so sorry your mom and sister don't talk about Emily.((hugs))

kpeterson404

*lurking*

Sorry to hear about all of your losses everyone....

mrslucid

kderoy- I've had my good days and bad.  Wednesday and today was particularly tough.  My husband picked up Ava's ashes on Wednesday.  It makes it so real, it's been two weeks today and I still can't believe she is gone.

CherryPicked

@mrslucid ((hugs))