going through a divorce

absmama

hi ladies,

i'm new here.  my husband who has been thinking about what he wanted for our relationship has decided to divorce me.  i have two kids--2.5 and 5 months.  he travels a lot for work so i am already alone more often than not so it won't be a total rude awakening but i'm obviously very sad.  i don't want to split up but he is no longer willing to put in the effort to work on our marriage.  someone tell me i can get through this.  i have only told one person in real life because i am so ashamed and i don't want to even talk about it at this point.  it's ironic because my parents went through a very messy divorce and it really scarred me so i used to always say before marriage i would never divorce--not an option.  but you can't control what others do.  when he told me he was unhappy i did everything in my power to change things for the better.  but then he said he didn't know if he would even accept my change...he waited til he couldn't take it anymore and didn't even want to give me much of a chance.  and i could go on and on about the ways he has done me wrong. but really i am scared for my kids.  i absolutely hate with my entire being that they are going to go through this and live this life.  i'm sort of in shock still...he told me 3 days ago.  i have just kept to myself and hardly talked to anyone.  i was hoping to find a community to share with. my two year old is in the thick of the "terrible twos" and she has been acting out big time (athough we don't fight in front of her) and been sooooo extremely hard to handle.  she knows i am sad.  thanks mamas

MinnesotaMomma91

You can get through this and you will. Theres nothing to be ashamed of. Divorce doesnt have to be bad and scary and messy it can be ammicable.

Please remember divorce isnt always a bad thing, you tried, he didnt. There is no shame and handing in the towel.

On that note, get a lawyer to handle your divorce. That will help protect you, your interests, and your rights and could possibly keep things from getting so messy it traumatizes your children.

But they are young enough i think it matters more how you and your stbxh handle yourself post divorce

20thirteen

I agree with the previous posters. I'm also a child of divorce, my parents never fought in front of us and we never knew there were any problems.  

Seek counseling, trust me, it is very much so worth it.  I saw a counselor throughout my pregnancy and up until DD was about 4-5 months old.  It healed a lot more for me than I could do on my own or with friends. It sounds like you need an unbiased reassurance that you did what you could do, he didn't.  This isn't your fault.

I also encourage you to open up to family and friends about this.  You will need their support and that is what you will need starting now.  Your children could also benefit from this, as well.

Were/are you a stay-at-home mom? 

jellybean529

It will be one year ago on the 21st of this month that my husband and I split up. Our divorce isn't final yet, but we now live in different states and it's been a huge transition. You can get through it, and your kids will get through it too. I'm in a better place with the divorce now than I was a year ago.

My daughter was 5 (she's now 6) when we split up. It's been a rocky road for both of us but at the end of the day we're each other's safe place to land. She's in counseling (and I am too) which has helped both of us tremendously. 

Stick around, this is a great group of supportive ladies. Good luck to you!!

absmama

thank you so much everyone.  it's a scary time but thank you for the comfort and advice.  i am a work from home mom but we aren't swimming in dough over here so i'm not looking forward to the expenses.  i have been seeing a therapist but now i'm reluctant to keep spending that money although i probably need to talk the most right now....

Helenahhandbasket

You can do this.  It's nothing to be ashamed of-- so please hold your head high.

I would absolutley look into a therapist.  There's no better investment than in yourself, and if you have insurance, it can be very affordable-- I pay 15.00 a week OOP.

I am also in the process of divorcing, and while my story is a bit different that yours-- feel free to PM me any time.

MaggieF516

I can really relate to your situation.  My ex and I were never married, but we decided to go our seperate ways after a 3 yr relationship when our son was 1 and it has been a year now (he's now 2 yrs, 2 mos).  My situation was the same, my ex traveled a lot for work and I did near 100% of the childcare anyways, so my day to day stuff did not change except I actually got more free time to myself, to be honest, as my ex now has my son 2-3 day a week.  The hardest part is having that time away from him, but you can focus on doing things you enjoy and keep yourself busy.  I also try not to focus on things that I cannot change.  Am I heartbroken I don't spend everyday with my son, yes, but I know that it is better than him being exposed to constant fighting and resentment between us.

Plus I feel like I put A LOT of energy into trying to fix our relationship, figure out what my exes problem was, etc. so it was like a burden was lifted off of me when we actually seperated.  I could be free to think about me, what I wanted ,my sons needs and not what I was doing (or not doing) that didn't make my ex happy. It is awful to feel that way all of the time.  I also got myself very worked up over what it would be like to be a "single parent" and was so scared about that possibility, but the actuality wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. 

 

And your kids are so young, they will not even remember you guys being together.  It is better that it ends now when they are young versus when they are older and know what is happening.  My parents had a highly contentious divorce when I was a teenager, and it was awful.  Your kids will grow up knowing they are with mommy certain days and daddy on others, it will just be how their life is. 

 

Try to focus on you when you can and doing things you enjoy. I met new friends, started new hobbies, etc.  I agree that therapy might help.  It is a big life adjustment being alone all of a sudden, but it gets easier everyday.  Hang in there!!

freeatlast2014

@MaggieF516‌ said it right.

I'm in the process of divorce, my kids are almost 2 and 3.5. We've been separated for over 6 months. We had/have a very bad relationship and an even messier divorce. I am so happy my kids don't have to see that as much if at all any more. It is hard. I cry still because I wish it were different. But I can't make him love me or treat me the way I should be treated. I'm financially a mess but im making through some how. I always said divorce was not an option either but after years of couples therapy I know that I tried and did what I could. I can't keep us together from sheer will alone.

And I most definitely have more free time now than I ever thought I would as a mommy of 2 little ones. However it is so exhausting that I now welcome the breaks. I miss them like crazy but I soak in the quiet. You will get through this. You have to.

I also choose to tell anyone who will listen. I need and want support and I want to hear stories of people who have been there done that and came out on the better side of things. Good luck!

Ndm410

My dd's father and I divorced when she was 5 months. It was difficult but I made it through and now at 10 she is very well adjusted. It is going to take a lot of work but you can and will get through it. I also agree with pp that you should not be ashamed!

Hugs and prayers!